If you’re a minority or parent to a mixed race child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you move to upper NW, there will be enough mixed kids, especially half Asian, half white, that your kids will not feel like lonely only's. I was the only Asian in my elementary and middle school years, and that sucked, but being one of five in your class of 25 is not bad. My kids have never felt like they don't fit in, and many of their friends are also mixed-race. In fact, they really don't see mixed-race families as unusual or something worth commenting on. I would actually think that in some of the suburbs with large Asian populations that they would feel more "lonely" because the Asian kids will be "full" Asians, and there will be fewer mixed kids. The half Asian, half white kids at my high school (with decent sized Asian population but almost no mixed kids) always felt like they were not Asian enough to be Asian and not white enough to be white.

? Neither of my half Asian/white kids have remotely stated this, and we live in Rockville. There are *several* biracial children here, of all kinds. "I would actually think..." .. you thought wrong.

The mixed Asian kids I know are very white.

mine are not, I assure you, and the ones I have seen don't look white, either. Most half white/asian kids I have come across look mostly asian. I have two close friends who also have half asian/white children. I used to live an area out west where this combo was a dime a dozen. Most of the kids looked more asian.

I meant act white. My kids are Asian American. DH and I both grew up here in the U.S. My kids are also very American. Most of their friends are white. The mixed half white half Asian kids we know often have an Asian American mother and white American father. The kids are very American and white.

What exactly do you mean by “act white?” Having white friends? I’m Asian-American and DH is white and you might not know as friends that our kid eats lots of foods from my parents’ country, has two names and wardrobes, and that we plan to put him in language school when he is old enough.

[Anonymous]

I am white and DH is Asian, kid is biracial and does not pass for white, but is probably sometimes clocked as another ethnicity. We intentionally moved to a school that was somewhat less Asian than she would have attended, because her current school is also less white, with a much clearer majority of color (85% instead of ~50%). Cross-cultural solidarity was more important to us than her having lots of specifically Asian peers. The school is fairly mixed in terms of race and ethnicity, with lots of kids of immigrants— she fits right in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in DCPS. The only thing important to me (at the time) was that my daughter go to a good school. She goes to a WOTP school and has been one of maybe 2-3 black kids in the class for the last 5 years. It wasn't an issue until she asked if she could go to a school with more black kids. She says no one has been mean to her, but she feels like she doesn't fit in. It's a tough thing to resolve. I haven't found any solutions yet.

They may not be mean but I can guarantee they are doing things to exclude her. I was one of only a few black kids at an all white school and it was not a good experience. Get her into a more diverse school before her self esteem ends up damaged.

+1
I would not send my white child to an all black school for the same reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in DCPS. The only thing important to me (at the time) was that my daughter go to a good school. She goes to a WOTP school and has been one of maybe 2-3 black kids in the class for the last 5 years. It wasn't an issue until she asked if she could go to a school with more black kids. She says no one has been mean to her, but she feels like she doesn't fit in. It's a tough thing to resolve. I haven't found any solutions yet.

They may not be mean but I can guarantee they are doing things to exclude her. I was one of only a few black kids at an all white school and it was not a good experience. Get her into a more diverse school before her self esteem ends up damaged.

+1
I would not send my white child to an all black school for the same reason.

I think there is some overlap, but it's different if your kid is the majority race in society and hasn't faced societal discrimination.

[Anonymous]

We are a black/white mixed race family. First 3 kids in private I’m DC so I had an unrealistic belief that all environments would be similar. When our 4th came along, needed a larger house and we moved to a very white area of N Arlington and put DC in a very white public school. I genuinely never gave race a thought. I’m not American so that is probably why.

I was soon sadly disabused of my former belief. My child was miserable. I would not say the children were intrinsically racist but having just one child of color in the class (and clearly non in their broader lives) meant all their questions and weird notions were concentrated on my DC. DC became so self conscious of race which led to self hatred. DC had barely any play dates and felt very isolated. I have 3 other kids in 2 other schools with which to compare and I was and still am shocked by the difference.
Pulled DC out (too late in my opinion) and forked out for private and a lot of the damage is being reversed.

In terms of the neighborhood, compared with our previous which was a little more diverse and very very friendly, after 4 years only one one family speaks to us and their child happens to be at the same school as my other children. No invitations have been reciprocated and we have given up and socialize mainly with parents at the private schools in DC. Our friends in N Arlington are all from previous neighborhood and all mixed couples (white/East Asian, white/Latin American, white/SE Asian).

There is a school bus stop just outside our house and I once found a wallet belonging to one of the kids across the street. I took it over and the husband answered the door. I handed the wallet over and before I could open my mouth to explain he gets in my face and starts screaming at me asking why I had his son’s wallet, where I’d found it. I was too stunned to respond and as I stood there open mouthed his wife came and recognized me as the across the street neighbor and explained the same to her husband who went bright red and started spluttering something unintelligible. I was so sad as I was with the DC who had had the terrible experience at the public school (we were out walking the dogs).
I never ever gave race a thought when choosing our house but, sad to say, I should have.
Choose wisely OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in DCPS. The only thing important to me (at the time) was that my daughter go to a good school. She goes to a WOTP school and has been one of maybe 2-3 black kids in the class for the last 5 years. It wasn't an issue until she asked if she could go to a school with more black kids. She says no one has been mean to her, but she feels like she doesn't fit in. It's a tough thing to resolve. I haven't found any solutions yet.

They may not be mean but I can guarantee they are doing things to exclude her. I was one of only a few black kids at an all white school and it was not a good experience. Get her into a more diverse school before her self esteem ends up damaged.

+1
I would not send my white child to an all black school for the same reason.

I think there is some overlap, but it's different if your kid is the majority race in society and hasn't faced societal discrimination.

Hasn't faced societal discrimination? Are you kidding me?
Easy to say if you aren't the only white kid in an all black school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in DCPS. The only thing important to me (at the time) was that my daughter go to a good school. She goes to a WOTP school and has been one of maybe 2-3 black kids in the class for the last 5 years. It wasn't an issue until she asked if she could go to a school with more black kids. She says no one has been mean to her, but she feels like she doesn't fit in. It's a tough thing to resolve. I haven't found any solutions yet.

They may not be mean but I can guarantee they are doing things to exclude her. I was one of only a few black kids at an all white school and it was not a good experience. Get her into a more diverse school before her self esteem ends up damaged.

+1
I would not send my white child to an all black school for the same reason.

I think there is some overlap, but it's different if your kid is the majority race in society and hasn't faced societal discrimination.

Hasn't faced societal discrimination? Are you kidding me?
Easy to say if you aren't the only white kid in an all black school.

PP here. No, white kids do not experience societal/institutional discrimination.

Btw, our neighborhood school is predominantly AA, although there are a few white kids there. They're doing fine and haven't experienced any race-based issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much does this factor into what neighborhood you live in and what school you choose? I live in an area of NOVA that has a good number of Hispanics, Asians/East Asians and mixed kids, and my child is mixed Asian and white. I keep going back and forth on whether to find a house here or look in NW DC. I looked at Wilson High, Deal, Murch demographics and the numbers are more like 30-50%+ black and Hispanic and only 5% Asian and/or 2-5% mixed race. If you are a minority parent or parent to a mixed (especially Asian/other race mix), how did this factor into your decision making? Growing up in a white area myself, it was important for me to find an area that was racially and socioeconomically diverse, but I go back and forth on whether the specific kind of racial diversity is important. What are your thoughts? I hated being only one of 2 Asian kids in my school, so that is where I am coming from.

We are looking at purchasing a home and settling down and I would love to hear other opinions.

We live in downtown SS. Living in a racial diverse area was non-negotiable. DH grew up on a non-diverse area 90% poor AA and attended a completely segregated school. I grew up in a similar area, but attended a school with fewer than 20 other AA in the middle and HS. Being the only black kid in class when your well-meaning white teacher is stumbling through Huck Finn or Reconstruction is not a good feel. I still cringe thinking of things said to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a somewhat unique position, raising BOTH white kids and kids of color (adopted, for the Nosy Nancys).

Finding a diverse neighborhood was paramount, even if it left my white kids in more of a "minority" position. Growing up white in America, they are not going to lack for white role models in terms of teachers, administrators, doctors, dentists, elected officials, etc.

Living somewhere that allows my Black kids to see people like themselves in both authority positions and going about their everyday lives? And where they can get their hair cut and every store carries products that work for their skin? It's great.

FWIW, my white kids have experienced the tiniest bit of racial exclusion (of the playground variety), and their peer group is probably whiter than I'd like it to be, but overall it has been good for everyone.

[Anonymous]

When we were looking to buy, we made sure we bought in a predominantly Asian neighborhood. I too grew up as the only Asian kid in class, and it was awful. Our current school is 49% Asian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a black/white mixed race family. First 3 kids in private I’m DC so I had an unrealistic belief that all environments would be similar. When our 4th came along, needed a larger house and we moved to a very white area of N Arlington and put DC in a very white public school. I genuinely never gave race a thought. I’m not American so that is probably why.

I was soon sadly disabused of my former belief. My child was miserable. I would not say the children were intrinsically racist but having just one child of color in the class (and clearly non in their broader lives) meant all their questions and weird notions were concentrated on my DC. DC became so self conscious of race which led to self hatred. DC had barely any play dates and felt very isolated. I have 3 other kids in 2 other schools with which to compare and I was and still am shocked by the difference.
Pulled DC out (too late in my opinion) and forked out for private and a lot of the damage is being reversed.

In terms of the neighborhood, compared with our previous which was a little more diverse and very very friendly, after 4 years only one one family speaks to us and their child happens to be at the same school as my other children. No invitations have been reciprocated and we have given up and socialize mainly with parents at the private schools in DC. Our friends in N Arlington are all from previous neighborhood and all mixed couples (white/East Asian, white/Latin American, white/SE Asian).

There is a school bus stop just outside our house and I once found a wallet belonging to one of the kids across the street. I took it over and the husband answered the door. I handed the wallet over and before I could open my mouth to explain he gets in my face and starts screaming at me asking why I had his son’s wallet, where I’d found it. I was too stunned to respond and as I stood there open mouthed his wife came and recognized me as the across the street neighbor and explained the same to her husband who went bright red and started spluttering something unintelligible. I was so sad as I was with the DC who had had the terrible experience at the public school (we were out walking the dogs).
I never ever gave race a thought when choosing our house but, sad to say, I should have.
Choose wisely OP.

This is terrible - so sorry it’s been that bad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a black/white mixed race family. First 3 kids in private I’m DC so I had an unrealistic belief that all environments would be similar. When our 4th came along, needed a larger house and we moved to a very white area of N Arlington and put DC in a very white public school. I genuinely never gave race a thought. I’m not American so that is probably why.

I was soon sadly disabused of my former belief. My child was miserable. I would not say the children were intrinsically racist but having just one child of color in the class (and clearly non in their broader lives) meant all their questions and weird notions were concentrated on my DC. DC became so self conscious of race which led to self hatred. DC had barely any play dates and felt very isolated. I have 3 other kids in 2 other schools with which to compare and I was and still am shocked by the difference.
Pulled DC out (too late in my opinion) and forked out for private and a lot of the damage is being reversed.

In terms of the neighborhood, compared with our previous which was a little more diverse and very very friendly, after 4 years only one one family speaks to us and their child happens to be at the same school as my other children. No invitations have been reciprocated and we have given up and socialize mainly with parents at the private schools in DC. Our friends in N Arlington are all from previous neighborhood and all mixed couples (white/East Asian, white/Latin American, white/SE Asian).

There is a school bus stop just outside our house and I once found a wallet belonging to one of the kids across the street. I took it over and the husband answered the door. I handed the wallet over and before I could open my mouth to explain he gets in my face and starts screaming at me asking why I had his son’s wallet, where I’d found it. I was too stunned to respond and as I stood there open mouthed his wife came and recognized me as the across the street neighbor and explained the same to her husband who went bright red and started spluttering something unintelligible. I was so sad as I was with the DC who had had the terrible experience at the public school (we were out walking the dogs).
I never ever gave race a thought when choosing our house but, sad to say, I should have.
Choose wisely OP.

My N Arlington experience was not quite this extreme but I felt similarly excluded by neighbors and daycare moms for not being white. The worst experience was at our in home daycare when the moms were talking *right in front of me* about one of the children's birthday party and it was clear that my DD was the only one currently at the daycare (6 kids) and previously at the daycare (at least 4 other kids mentioned) that was not invited. Everyone else was white. Funny enough, daycare provider was the same race as me.

[Anonymous]

Living in Fairfax County has really been a boon - my DD's best friends are the children of Indonesian, Salvadoran, and Indian immigrants. As a mixed South Asian/White child, she is the whitest of the crew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are a black/white mixed race family. First 3 kids in private I’m DC so I had an unrealistic belief that all environments would be similar. When our 4th came along, needed a larger house and we moved to a very white area of N Arlington and put DC in a very white public school. I genuinely never gave race a thought. I’m not American so that is probably why.

I was soon sadly disabused of my former belief. My child was miserable. I would not say the children were intrinsically racist but having just one child of color in the class (and clearly non in their broader lives) meant all their questions and weird notions were concentrated on my DC. DC became so self conscious of race which led to self hatred. DC had barely any play dates and felt very isolated. I have 3 other kids in 2 other schools with which to compare and I was and still am shocked by the difference.
Pulled DC out (too late in my opinion) and forked out for private and a lot of the damage is being reversed.

In terms of the neighborhood, compared with our previous which was a little more diverse and very very friendly, after 4 years only one one family speaks to us and their child happens to be at the same school as my other children. No invitations have been reciprocated and we have given up and socialize mainly with parents at the private schools in DC. Our friends in N Arlington are all from previous neighborhood and all mixed couples (white/East Asian, white/Latin American, white/SE Asian).

There is a school bus stop just outside our house and I once found a wallet belonging to one of the kids across the street. I took it over and the husband answered the door. I handed the wallet over and before I could open my mouth to explain he gets in my face and starts screaming at me asking why I had his son’s wallet, where I’d found it. I was too stunned to respond and as I stood there open mouthed his wife came and recognized me as the across the street neighbor and explained the same to her husband who went bright red and started spluttering something unintelligible. I was so sad as I was with the DC who had had the terrible experience at the public school (we were out walking the dogs).
I never ever gave race a thought when choosing our house but, sad to say, I should have.
Choose wisely OP.

My N Arlington experience was not quite this extreme but I felt similarly excluded by neighbors and daycare moms for not being white. The worst experience was at our in home daycare when the moms were talking *right in front of me* about one of the children's birthday party and it was clear that my DD was the only one currently at the daycare (6 kids) and previously at the daycare (at least 4 other kids mentioned) that was not invited. Everyone else was white. Funny enough, daycare provider was the same race as me.

PP here.
I had a similar experience at my 4th child’s school when they were in kindergarten. I’d join in conversations and everyone was perfectly pleasant but I noticed that if they arranged a meeting with or without kids I would be excluded. If they were introducing everyone in the group to a new comer they would not introduce me. It took me a while to piece things together. Because that was our first year in the Arlington system I assumed most of them knew each other previously and only later found out that most of us had met at the same time with the exception of a few who had been at the same pre schools. Mine had been at a pre school in DC.
I noticed also that other parents somehow “gave me instructions to perform menial tasks“ if I was one of the volunteers for a class party or the ice cream social Etc and I think earlier on they thought I was more than likely the nanny, hence the exclusion? I don’t know. By the time they realized I was a parent, when my white husband showed up with me a few times, friendships had been formed and try as I might I could not make headway to breaking in.
I am genuinely not paranoid. It took a white friend of mine to help connect the dots for me. Also at the time I’d had 3 other kids in schools for up to 9 years so I was not new to American school environments. In addition the majority of my friends in my other kids’ schools are white so color and race had never been an issue before then. For a long time questioned whether I misconstrued things at that school but having spoken to the school social worker, other parents in different N Arlington public schools, my neighborhood and that school are notorious for what my child and I and experienced at the school and what we are experiencing in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

I am mixed race and international and grew up in a variety of countries and school systems.

I found it is always best to chose quality of education over any other criteria. Usually good schools will have socially-aware, politically-correct families who tend to be respectful of racial and cultural differences, and if not that, to at least pay lip service to those concepts.

Therefore I chose to live in Bethesda where there is a preponderance of wealthy white families, but some that are culturally Asians, Europeans, Central or South Americans and a scattering of others. Not too many Africans or African-Americans, which last is a consequence of Montgomery County's old real estate segregation, sadly. The ones I have met all moved to Bethesda for the schools. And speaking of...

I also have friends who live elsewhere in MoCo. They have told me interesting stories about the assumptions based on skin color, made in minority-majority districts. Assumptions made by teachers about Black students, and pressures Black students place among themselves. Don't know if it's the same for Latino groups. In certain schools, racism between minorities is expected and is so rampant, it's not dealt with as forcefully as the blackface incident at Walt Whitman last year, for example. I commented at length about that on a previous thread on race perceptions in MCPS.

Pick a school where your kid will have the best education money can buy (money for real estate, or money for private school tuition). The rest you and your child will learn to navigate.