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[quote=Anonymous]Hmmm.  I think this has many causes, and while parents aren't always at fault (like the case of the schizophrenic upthread), I think parenting has wayyyyyy more to do with it than is politically correct to admit.

People see their friends who are doing a generally good jobs of managing their lives (they're good employees, they're nice people, they're well intended, and so on) and they assume that they must be good parents.  Unfortunately, people who are functional and nice people can do a lousy job of parenting one or many of their children.

Simply put, parenting is its own...thing.  Some people are suited to it better than others, and some of the nicest people can be lousy parents.

A few failure to launch stories in my life:

- My younger brother was never held to any standard for anything.  He was coddled by my mother at every turn.  He was a super sweet child who was teased in elementary school, so she was incredibly protective of him.  My mother is a good person who was trying to be a good mom, but her own upbringing was so dysfunctional that she really had no framework for normal.  I think she thought she was meeting him where he was at, but the total lack of expectations at home caused him to never develop confidence.  She also went back to work during his middle school years (which, normally, would be no problem), but in his case, he filled those couple of hours after school with drugs.  After being teased in elementary school, he was ready to be "cool".  My mother also has a remarkable ability to stick her head into the sand, so she never really heeded the warning signs.  I don't put this on my father because he disagreed mightily with how she handled him.  I think he went along with it to keep the family together.

- My good friend's is very wealthy from a commission-based sale that he made.  He made about $10 million in his 30s, and neither of his kids ever really had any idea how hard it is to make a normal living.   Neither of his kids saw either of their parents work - but they did see 4 luxury cars in the driveway, live in a McMansion, shopping sprees, dinners out all the time, and they took what was probably a $40,000 vacation every quarter.  I don't think those kids had a damn clue as to what it takes for most people to earn a normal living (and if I'm honest, I don't think the parents do either).  Older son is "launched" but suffers from major mental health issues including an eating disorder.  Younger son is a complete train wreck, unemployed, drug addict, and has had many STDs.  My friend, the father, got sick of his entitled kids (despite the fact that he and his wife basically created the problem), and cut them off in their early 20s.  The kids had no confidence and they didn't know how to appropriately navigate the real world.

- Younger cousin's parents (my aunt and uncle) placed an enormous emphasis on a my cousin's abilities to play football.  He was remarkably talented, but it was all football...all...the...time.  Constant football, to the exclusion of developing any skill that might actually help in the real world.  They straight up thought my cousin was going to be in the NFL.  When football ended, and it was clear that the NFL was not knocking at their door, my cousin fell into a deep depression and had the worst time launching.  My aunt was also very controlling, despite being a great person.  She was wonderful, but still very much a "This is the way it is supposed to be!" kind of person (you know the type!).  I think he was close with his mom and had a hard time with not wanting to disappoint her.  He ended up launching eventually, when he met a woman as controlling as his mother.  And surprise, surprise - the marriage is dysfunctional and my aunt hates her.

I think most of these FTLs are a combination of low expectations and low confidence.[/quote]

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