Pregnant with non-boyfriend - he wants me to keep it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes, my own, living, right-here-at-home now kids would be THE one and only key thing to consider here. This would rock their world twice over (new stepdad and new sibling) and would also possibly set up a huge divide in your home: Your kids with your ex, and "his" kid for whom the "has millions" dad could provide. There is no plan at all for his being a parent to your children and you have zero idea how he might treat them, or whether he is in any way equipped mentally or emotionally to be their stepfather. He has no children of his own, he hasn't even met your children (yet you have known each other as friends for years so... he's never even met them casually before you were sleeping together?). I would put my own existing children first and recognize that this is recipe for a divided household.

Also: He offered marriage only after he got you pregnant. I know that can work out; I've seen it work. But honestly I'd always wonder if he would have wanted to marry me without the "oops" pregnancy. Not a great basis for a solid life together.

The Catholic thing is just dumb. Does he actually attend church? Participate in a religious life? If his only "Catholicism" is that which emerged when he told you he doesn't like abortion, then he's not really religious; he just has qualms based on a knee-jerk response to the idea of abortion. Don't let the religious claim sway you at all here.

Your post indicates you are not thrilled and also not in some kind of gooey "We're having a baby and that will bring us closer together!" romantic phase about all this. Follow your instinct here. If you keep this baby I would consider doing it without marrying him until AFTER the baby is here and he has had a lot of time to get to know your own children well. And I'd get all the legal ducks in a row for child support and custody arrangements until you do marry him -- if you do. If you choose not to have this baby I would not lie and invent a miscarriage but would have the abortion and then tell him. He will likely break up over it so be ready for that.

DP. If he truly has millions and this situation is as you describe, please understand that everyone FOREVER will always think that you were a desperate single mother who "accidentally" got pregnant by a millionaire to trap him. It doesn't matter whether it is true or not. That raises the question - why weren't you his girlfriend beforehand? Did you not want to commit? Or him? Or what?

All that said, I'm still in the "marry him" camp, but this poster raises some very important questions about the mans overall emotional health. I've known some long time bachelors who are truly over it by their mid-30s and settle down quickly and become great husbands, but it's impossible to predict without knowing him and your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry him, idiot.

+1

This man has never even met her kids. Seems idiotic to rush into marriage.

Eh, no more idiotic than half the stuff that his been done over the course of human history.

I mean, everyone wants the cookie cutter happy, stable upper middle class life without divorce, illness, mental illness, addiction, debt, etc. But that's not reality.

She can introduce him to her kids right away. She's been dating the guy for a year. And she's got almost another year before this baby is born. OP and the guy can go to some premarital counseling.

I realize that a surprise baby and a new marriage seem like a shock, but OP you don't seem totally convinced that abortion is the right thing. It's totally your choice though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remember in your thinking just because hes rich doesn't mean that you will get a windfall and be able to hire nanny's and outsource care as op said. Hes there to support the baby not make your life easier with his millions.

If he doesn't want to help make her life easier as the mother of his child, then why should she continue with a pregnancy only he wants?

This is a serious question. You're saying she shouldn't feel entitled to his money as a means to make her life easier. Well, why should he feel entitled to her body for pregnancy and efforts raising a child 'he desperately wants'? Why should he feel entitled taking away resources from her existing children to support his child?

OP, you really need to lay your cards on the table. Be up front about finances. Pregnancy and motherhood will have a huge impact on your career and your ability to provide for the two children you already have. What is he willing to offer in terms of help, financial, emotional, time, etc. You have very little time to make this decision. Don't go into it with vague assurances. Personally, if I already had 2 children, I would not continue this pregnancy with the terms that he's only there to support the baby and your needs aren't his concern.

It doesn't matter if he feels entitled to her body if a woman chooses to have a baby that she doesn't want and only does it to please the guy who's issue is that hers. Woman have choices but it doesn't entitle them to be taken care. its the child who should be provided for. Hes a millionaire not her, if she has his child the child will me entitled and an heir to his fortune.

As woman we hold the ball to what happens in scenarios like this. Yes a man should get a say but in reality he doesn't our bodies our choice. Now he should pay child support but enough to support the baby not her whole family. Support should be 50/50 not 100% all on him since hes the millionaire

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marry him?

[Anonymous]

Here's an idea...talk to him honestly and openly.

[Anonymous]

Once more for the kids in the back: Pulling out is not birth control!

[Anonymous]

Not enough information. How old are your DCs? How much custody do you have? Are you financially stable? Do you get spousal support (which will be gone if you remarry)?

If you love and want to be with him and are willing to because of these feelings have a baby with him...why not consider some alternatives. If your kids are 5/6 or under, they’ll adjust quickly to your non-Boyfriend. Regardless, why not spend time with new baby and boyfriend when DCs are with their Dad and keep a separate place with DCs which non-Boyfriend can come over to slowly get to know the kids.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t marry him, I’m sorry.

Have the baby if you want, but don’t marry unless you are both head over heels for each other. Tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry him?

I’ve thought about this. I worry, though, because he hasn’t even met my children, and it would be a huge change for everyone involved in a very short amount of time. Seems like a recipe for disaster.

Well, you're friends, you love him and he's suggested marriage. At 5 weeks, you both need to have the fast hard talk. Get an overnight sitter and hole up for 24 hours to figure it out. He has the means and from what he says, the desire to be with you and baby. He knows you have kids and still offered this commitment which means he is committed to your family. It's the best possible scenario.

Lot of details to work out but it can work. As long as your kids are loved and included in the process, they will be ok! You're not blending family, this will be their baby too! 9 months is a long time in kid time, they'll be ok!

+1

You don't need to marry him today, but it's an option you should think about since you two love each other. There's plenty of time for your kids to meet him and get to know him before you marry. You have been dating for a while, friends before that, etc. so you are not marrying a stranger.

[Anonymous]

All you DCUMers saying to marry the guy are blinded by his supposed "millions". Reminds me of 50 Shades of Grey. If he was some bus driver making $30K a year, we all know what the answer to OP's question would be. The hypocrisy is astounding. Personally, I don't think highly of people who end up in OP's situation..men or women...but it does sound like OP is one of those single moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry him, idiot.

+1

+1,000

[Anonymous]

People get married because they have to all the time, and they have for millennia. Just marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All you DCUMers saying to marry the guy are blinded by his supposed "millions". Reminds me of 50 Shades of Grey. If he was some bus driver making $30K a year, we all know what the answer to OP's question would be. The hypocrisy is astounding. Personally, I don't think highly of people who end up in OP's situation..men or women...but it does sound like OP is one of those single moms.

Nope, just being practical. It is an absolute fact that money can bring more stability to a marriage, and take out a whole list of stressors. Or course it is easier to marry a rich man who loves you vs. a poor one. If OP is a pregnant single mom, the stability that an established man who loves her would bring to her life would be a good thing.

On a side note, I'd be curious to know the general source of this guy's money. Is he self-made? Is he a layabout over grown party boy with a trust fund? Is he feeding at the trough of his parents' wealth, in which case they could cut off support at any time? Is he a responsible guy with a trust fund?

[Anonymous]

I have not been in this exact situation but I would abort and break up with him. Your current kids should be your priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes, my own, living, right-here-at-home now kids would be THE one and only key thing to consider here. This would rock their world twice over (new stepdad and new sibling) and would also possibly set up a huge divide in your home: Your kids with your ex, and "his" kid for whom the "has millions" dad could provide. There is no plan at all for his being a parent to your children and you have zero idea how he might treat them, or whether he is in any way equipped mentally or emotionally to be their stepfather. He has no children of his own, he hasn't even met your children (yet you have known each other as friends for years so... he's never even met them casually before you were sleeping together?). I would put my own existing children first and recognize that this is recipe for a divided household.

Also: He offered marriage only after he got you pregnant. I know that can work out; I've seen it work. But honestly I'd always wonder if he would have wanted to marry me without the "oops" pregnancy. Not a great basis for a solid life together.

The Catholic thing is just dumb. Does he actually attend church? Participate in a religious life? If his only "Catholicism" is that which emerged when he told you he doesn't like abortion, then he's not really religious; he just has qualms based on a knee-jerk response to the idea of abortion. Don't let the religious claim sway you at all here.

Your post indicates you are not thrilled and also not in some kind of gooey "We're having a baby and that will bring us closer together!" romantic phase about all this. Follow your instinct here. If you keep this baby I would consider doing it without marrying him until AFTER the baby is here and he has had a lot of time to get to know your own children well. And I'd get all the legal ducks in a row for child support and custody arrangements until you do marry him -- if you do. If you choose not to have this baby I would not lie and invent a miscarriage but would have the abortion and then tell him. He will likely break up over it so be ready for that.

I agree with this 100%.