Telling your daughter she’s pretty every now and then- good thing or bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is pretty but I only tell her that when she wears something nice, dressy or when she beaming smiling or asks. When she does ask, I tell her she looks good without makeup versus when she puts it on. I wonder does it go to their heads? Should I not do it often? DD has little esteem so she’s always asking me if I think she’s pretty. I go into the whole song and dance it’s what’s inside that counts. Yata, yatta.

If she's always asking and has low self-esteem, then even telling her all the time that she's pretty will not help. It seems like there are deeper issues that need to be addressed.

Ignore this poster. If she's asking all the time, she's craving basic validation from her mom (and probably dad). Tell your children they're beautiful. If parents don't think their own kids are - or are so stingy with compliments they aren't willing to tell them - then the parents are the ones with deep issues. Which they're definitely going to pass on to their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling pretty depressed by the focus on looks.

I do acknowledge, jokingly, when my kids have put some effort into their appearance: "Wow, you clean up nice!" "Oooh, very sharp!" but I would never tell them that, in effect, their innate physical appearance conforms to conventionally accepted standards.

Excuse me while I vomit. Your poor kids.

My kids are gorgeous, funny, kind, and smart AF. I'm showing them what I value by what I comment on.

As are we all.

Do you value therapy? Because those kids are going to need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s worse not to talk about looks. At least if she’s getting compliments from her parents, she’s hopefully not going to cling to the first guy who calls her pretty. But I do think it’s important to compliment her on her natural beauty, tell her she looks healthy/radiant after exercise or a good night’s sleep or when she’s laughing, etc. If you only tell her she’s pretty when she’s dressed up, she’s going to be obsessed with clothes/makeup.

This is exactly what happened to me. My mother hated girls who got by on their looks. So she made sure I was not one of them and made sure she never said I was pretty. I still feel ugly.

You are the parents. The ones who give your kids unconditional love. Tell them they are beautiful. I tell my son that every time I feel it. He’s beautiful because he’s my baby and I love him. (Teen zits and all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s worse not to talk about looks. At least if she’s getting compliments from her parents, she’s hopefully not going to cling to the first guy who calls her pretty. But I do think it’s important to compliment her on her natural beauty, tell her she looks healthy/radiant after exercise or a good night’s sleep or when she’s laughing, etc. If you only tell her she’s pretty when she’s dressed up, she’s going to be obsessed with clothes/makeup.

This is exactly what happened to me. My mother hated girls who got by on their looks. So she made sure I was not one of them and made sure she never said I was pretty. I still feel ugly.

You are the parents. The ones who give your kids unconditional love. Tell them they are beautiful. I tell my son that every time I feel it. He’s beautiful because he’s my baby and I love him. (Teen zits and all).

+1
Absolutely. I honestly can't imagine who these parents are who deliberately don't tell their kids they're beautiful.

[Anonymous]

You have to parent for the world we are in and not the world you wish we were in. In this world, women are judged by their looks and you want your daughter to feel good about herself. I do not say that with snark. I had planned to never say anything about looks but I had a light bulb moment a few years ago. It's just as important that your daughter knows you think she's pretty as it is that she knows you think she's smart, strong, kind. Let her know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to parent for the world we are in and not the world you wish we were in. In this world, women are judged by their looks and you want your daughter to feel good about herself. I do not say that with snark. I had planned to never say anything about looks but I had a light bulb moment a few years ago. It's just as important that your daughter knows you think she's pretty as it is that she knows you think she's smart, strong, kind. Let her know.

So the fact that we live in a racist world means you would point out to your child that it's great that she's white?

If there are things you don't like about the world you live in, you don't shrug and go along. You unpack it for your kid and explain why you don't talk about looks and instead focus on what you admire about your child is how determined she is, or how patient, or any of a host of traits that indicate choices and character rather than the luck of the genetic draw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me I was pretty or beautiful growing up. It hurt. I tell my daughter every day that she's beautiful. Of course I also praise her when she works hard, doesn't give up, does kind things, etc. But yes I will always tell her she's beautiful.

I think you might not fully believe your parents when they tell you you are beautiful, because they are your parents, but you'd notice if they never said it.

My parents would tell me that I looked nice when I got dressed up for a dance, or my mom would compliment a hairstyle she liked, etc.--natural compliments that felt real and not forced. And they never, never, never said anything negative about my looks or my weight (only about my slouching). That really matters, too. And they complimented me when I worked hard, or got good grades, or achieved something, so it wasn't just my looks.

I tell my daughter she's pretty, that I love her sunshiny smile, that she looks nice, etc. It's not the only thing, or even the main thing, I compliment her on, but I see no reason not to say it, because I do think she's beautiful! I don't say it every day, but I also don't hold back on saying it when it pops into my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling pretty depressed by the focus on looks.

I do acknowledge, jokingly, when my kids have put some effort into their appearance: "Wow, you clean up nice!" "Oooh, very sharp!" but I would never tell them that, in effect, their innate physical appearance conforms to conventionally accepted standards.

Excuse me while I vomit. Your poor kids.

My kids are gorgeous, funny, kind, and smart AF. I'm showing them what I value by what I comment on.

As are we all.

Do you value therapy? Because those kids are going to need it.

I don't understand; what is PP doing wrong?

[Anonymous]

You may not be beautiful, but it's not for me to judge
I don't know if you're beautiful because I love you too much.

--Magnetic Fields, "Asleep and Dreaming"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling pretty depressed by the focus on looks.

I do acknowledge, jokingly, when my kids have put some effort into their appearance: "Wow, you clean up nice!" "Oooh, very sharp!" but I would never tell them that, in effect, their innate physical appearance conforms to conventionally accepted standards.

Excuse me while I vomit. Your poor kids.

My kids are gorgeous, funny, kind, and smart AF. I'm showing them what I value by what I comment on.

As are we all.

Do you value therapy? Because those kids are going to need it.

I don't understand; what is PP doing wrong?

Intentionally refusing to tell her kids that she thinks they are beautiful. When I tell my child she's beautiful, I don't mean "your innate physical appearance conforms to conventionally accepted standards." I mean, "You are beautiful to me. Your smile lights up the room and makes my heart hurt a little because it's so lovely."

It's also possible to tell your child that they are pretty every once in a while, and that they are smart, or funny, or kind, or brave, or creative, or resilient, or whatever other positive quality they have even more often. Deliberately NOT telling your children that you think they are beautiful seems so unkind. Why deliberately withhold a compliment? From anyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to parent for the world we are in and not the world you wish we were in. In this world, women are judged by their looks and you want your daughter to feel good about herself. I do not say that with snark. I had planned to never say anything about looks but I had a light bulb moment a few years ago. It's just as important that your daughter knows you think she's pretty as it is that she knows you think she's smart, strong, kind. Let her know.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am feeling pretty depressed by the focus on looks.

I do acknowledge, jokingly, when my kids have put some effort into their appearance: "Wow, you clean up nice!" "Oooh, very sharp!" but I would never tell them that, in effect, their innate physical appearance conforms to conventionally accepted standards.

Excuse me while I vomit. Your poor kids.

My kids are gorgeous, funny, kind, and smart AF. I'm showing them what I value by what I comment on.

As are we all.

Do you value therapy? Because those kids are going to need it.

I don't understand; what is PP doing wrong?

Intentionally refusing to tell her kids that she thinks they are beautiful. When I tell my child she's beautiful, I don't mean "your innate physical appearance conforms to conventionally accepted standards." I mean, "You are beautiful to me. Your smile lights up the room and makes my heart hurt a little because it's so lovely."

It's also possible to tell your child that they are pretty every once in a while, and that they are smart, or funny, or kind, or brave, or creative, or resilient, or whatever other positive quality they have even more often. Deliberately NOT telling your children that you think they are beautiful seems so unkind. Why deliberately withhold a compliment? From anyone?

Precisely. Why *wouldn't* you tell your children they're beautiful, along with smart, kind, funny, etc.? Deliberately leaving that out is just plain mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to parent for the world we are in and not the world you wish we were in. In this world, women are judged by their looks and you want your daughter to feel good about herself. I do not say that with snark. I had planned to never say anything about looks but I had a light bulb moment a few years ago. It's just as important that your daughter knows you think she's pretty as it is that she knows you think she's smart, strong, kind. Let her know.

So the fact that we live in a racist world means you would point out to your child that it's great that she's white?

If there are things you don't like about the world you live in, you don't shrug and go along. You unpack it for your kid and explain why you don't talk about looks and instead focus on what you admire about your child is how determined she is, or how patient, or any of a host of traits that indicate choices and character rather than the luck of the genetic draw.

Haha, what? You're nuts. Telling my daughter she's pretty (regardless of whether she's objectively gorgeous or not) is not the same thing at all. Well, good luck with that strategy. Your daughter will go away with the message that mom had to spend so much time focusing on other things because DD is so ugly.

Even if you tell your kid she's beautiful, she may stop believing you in her teens. But at least you've said it and said it when she's dressed up and when she's coming off the soccer field a sweaty mess.

I'm a huge feminist and believe me, I never thought I would compliment my daughters on their looks. But it is important in the world we live in. And doubly so for my kids, who are a minority and don't look like the classical definition of beauty. I'm not going to help give them a complex about their looks to prove a point. Society will do a good enough job of that.

[Anonymous]

I still really love when my parents tell me I am pretty (and I am middle aged!)

[Anonymous]

It is especially healthy for girls to hear this from their dads. (Along with other affirming things) If they don't hear it from them they will likely swoon over the first male who tells them this.