Telling your daughter she’s pretty every now and then- good thing or bad?

[Anonymous]

My mom never told us we were pretty. The farthest she’s go was to say things like, “this picture makes you look your best.” It was obvious, and it stung. Come to find later, men do think I’m really attractive, but for a long time there I thought I must not be.

For my mom, it was some parenting principle about not wanting us to base our self-worth on things like beauty. It went hand-in-hand with both parents telling us we didn’t have to get married, and telling us they’d be disappointed if we were cheerleaders.

I get it, now that I’m older. But at the time, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I tell my daughter (yes, I got married) occasionally that she’s pretty or looks great. “You look great” is a good, generic expression that might cover her looks, or maybe her clothes, or maybe even her spirit that day.

[Anonymous]

My mom gave me such a hard time about my looks and my weight I still haven’t recovered my self esteem as a married adult who is always told she is beautiful - even by strangers just walking down the street. I just don’t see it or believe it.
Teenage years are tough. You magnify all the negatives and if the person who loves you most in the world confirms that or fails to affirm you it can affect the rest of your life.
I see women across the spectrum of looks who are so confident in themselves that I envy them. They believe they are beautiful, and not all obnoxiously, and it’s great.
Looks aren’t everything. I don’t think about it very much anymore now that I’m in my late 40s. I make the best of what I have without the aim of looking beautiful-just ok.
I had a miserable time as a teen up to my 30s wanting to hide my hideousness-ugh. I made terrible (abusive) relationship choices because I believed, and unfortunately still do, that no one else would want me. In a stinky abusive marriage.
Please your sons and daughters that they are beautiful and that they deserve to be treated with respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure it matters what your parents say. My parents told me I was pretty, and it didn't matter so much. My brothers told me I was ugly, my friends made it clear I was "different" and those are the comments that mattered.

This is probably true, but it’s still nice to have parents who say, “don’t ever listen to them. You are BEAUTIFUL.”

[Anonymous]

Both sons and daughters need to be told that they are attractive by both of their parents.

[Anonymous]

I do tell my son that he is beautiful and smart and kind. I actually tell him I won the lottery in the kid department.

Growing up I always heard I would look so much better with makeup on. If I left the house without makeup, my mom would ask me why I don't have makeup on. She also constantly told me I would be pretty if I lost weight. This was when I was a size 6 instead of 4 or 2. No matter what the rest of the world may teach my son down the line, he will always know that his mother thought he was beautiful and all around great.

[Anonymous]

No one ever told me I was pretty or beautiful growing up. It hurt. I tell my daughter every day that she's beautiful. Of course I also praise her when she works hard, doesn't give up, does kind things, etc. But yes I will always tell her she's beautiful.

[Anonymous]

My mom never told me I was pretty and I went through life feeling pretty ugly. I have a son, and he's handsome, and I occasionally tell him he is, but make a point of complimenting his other good qualities, too. I also tell him that even if he were not handsome I'd love him because he's young and might only understand that mom would love him only if he looks good. I don't mind if it went to his head, I want him to be confident.

[Anonymous]

Don't wait for certain occasions... always build her up regardless of the dress or style. My daughter does two sports and no matter if she crushes it or fails horribly, I always let her know that I love watching her play. And I do. Win, lose or draw, your kid is going to be your awesome kid. Always let them know that.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh please tell your children they are beautiful. As someone who grew up hearing how smart I was from all corners but never being told I was attractive, I have struggled with self-esteem issues re: my appearance and it impacted my romantic relationships

[Anonymous]

I’m 42. My mom still tells me I look great. She also compliments me as a professional, mom, athlete (when I have that together) compliment all the things, pretty as long as it goes along with everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure it matters what your parents say. My parents told me I was pretty, and it didn't matter so much. My brothers told me I was ugly, my friends made it clear I was "different" and those are the comments that mattered.

This is probably true, but it’s still nice to have parents who say, “don’t ever listen to them. You are BEAUTIFUL.”

+1 And it is true because you are beautiful to them. All people, except wicked, evil or hateful people, are beautiful in their own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would NOT exclusively tell her she's pretty when she's dressed up etc. I tell my girls they are beautiful, but I tell them all the time - when they are in PJs, when they are dressed up, when they look ordinary - and I tell them they are so beautiful to me because I love them so much.

My mom commented on my appearance only rarely, and only when I REALLY looked good (or thin) and I think it messed me up far more than it would have if I'd heard it all the time.

Same here. Tell your girls they're pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is pretty but I only tell her that when she wears something nice, dressy or when she beaming smiling or asks. When she does ask, I tell her she looks good without makeup versus when she puts it on. I wonder does it go to their heads? Should I not do it often? DD has little esteem so she’s always asking me if I think she’s pretty. I go into the whole song and dance it’s what’s inside that counts. Yata, yatta.

My mom did that to me (she was an archetypical feminist) and I have zero self esteem now. I had to ask her all the time if I was pretty and she always said the same thing you say. It really damaged me.

[Anonymous]

It is so sad to hear there are parents who actually *avoid* telling their daughters (or sons) they are beautiful. Holy cow. If your child can't even be built up by her own parents at home, how is she expected to have the self-confidence to ignore the cruel remarks that will inevitably come at some point?

My parents always told me I was beautiful (yes, and smart, etc. etc.). TRUTH: girls will always want to know that they are pretty, no matter how smart or talented they are. Boys too - they need to know they're attractive, handsome, etc. It just cuts to the very quick of a person to grow up thinking they're plain or even ugly.

My MIL, who is a really nice person, never told me I was beautiful on my wedding day. She said she liked my dress, but that was it. I was stunned, until I got to know her better and realized that's just how she is - non-demonstrative. She's loving and kind but never comments on people's looks. My SIL told me one time that it was awful for her as a teen because her mom would never once tell her she was pretty or that she looked nice. Consequently, she's gone through life being insecure about her looks.

I tell my daughter every single day how beautiful she is and my son how handsome he is. Once they are confident about their looks, they can put that aside and focus on everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is pretty but I only tell her that when she wears something nice, dressy or when she beaming smiling or asks. When she does ask, I tell her she looks good without makeup versus when she puts it on. I wonder does it go to their heads? Should I not do it often? DD has little esteem so she’s always asking me if I think she’s pretty. I go into the whole song and dance it’s what’s inside that counts. Yata, yatta.

This is pathetic. Why on earth wouldn't you tell your child she's beautiful??