DH appears overly chummy with much younger woman

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut

[Anonymous]

I’ll admit, I’m married and in my 40s, and it feels nice to feel admired by men at an age where I see my beauty waning...I’d never cross a line, but I could see where your DH could simply be enjoying an ego boost, and maybe that’s all. Question comes down to will power, how selfish someone is, and self-discipline.

The majority opinion here is that it’s suspicious behavior.. But what is OP to do?

Does anyone have some suggestions on what steps she should take? I wish I did...depends on what OP wants the outcome to be: keep marriage together even if she doesn’t like what she learns; get every penny out of him that he has?

Do you confront or do you spy and hire a lawyer before confronting?

I’m sorry, OP, to lay this out, but the forum participants should offer some practical, actionable advice if we have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this all happening at work?

If he's pursuing friendships with other women outside of work that's 100% inappropriate. If that's the case I would put a stop to that. Most couples make friends with other couples. Not seeking out the opposite sex, especially single ones. If he's doing that he falls under the "creepy married" guy.

No, they did not meet at work.

What a mixed bag of answers here. I honestly don’t know what to think. She’s really outwardly at least kind and interesting, she’s never married but has lived in several different countries. I *think* she’s from Bulgaria or it might be a neighboring country that she grew up in, lived elsewhere in Europe but definitely Eastern European. I know her by name. She is a neighbor and met my husband at a bar, and we have a lot of mutual friends (ranging from her age to our age). All I can say is DH and her have taken some kind of unusual liking to each other, especially her. A few things bothered me when talking to her, like her asking probing questions like “how did you meet?” and apparently knowing details about him that I didn’t realize he was sharing. And he’s helped her with her car and furniture a while back and has given her a ride home when her car was in service, etc. DH has generally been that kind of guy with friends, male, female, married friends ...but something still seems inappropriate.
Am I just intimidated because she’s 30, slender, and has a “sexy” foreign accent?

Also, our mutual friends have never said they suspected anything, not that I’ve asked. They like her.
OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this all happening at work?

If he's pursuing friendships with other women outside of work that's 100% inappropriate. If that's the case I would put a stop to that. Most couples make friends with other couples. Not seeking out the opposite sex, especially single ones. If he's doing that he falls under the "creepy married" guy.

No, they did not meet at work.

What a mixed bag of answers here. I honestly don’t know what to think. She’s really outwardly at least kind and interesting, she’s never married but has lived in several different countries. I *think* she’s from Bulgaria or it might be a neighboring country that she grew up in, lived elsewhere in Europe but definitely Eastern European. I know her by name. She is a neighbor and met my husband at a bar, and we have a lot of mutual friends (ranging from her age to our age). All I can say is DH and her have taken some kind of unusual liking to each other, especially her. A few things bothered me when talking to her, like her asking probing questions like “how did you meet?” and apparently knowing details about him that I didn’t realize he was sharing. And he’s helped her with her car and furniture a while back and has given her a ride home when her car was in service, etc. DH has generally been that kind of guy with friends, male, female, married friends ...but something still seems inappropriate.
Am I just intimidated because she’s 30, slender, and has a “sexy” foreign accent?

Also, our mutual friends have never said they suspected anything, not that I’ve asked. They like her.
OP

Ok, OP. There are situations where you have to trust your gut. This is one of them. You can't articulate it, but you feel there is something inappropriate here. You are an adult woman with a lot of experience and in my opinion that is enough. Trust your gut.

The next part to this inquiry: what do you do about it? Do you feel comfortable talking to DH? Do you feel comfortable asking him to stop seeing her?

[Anonymous]

I’d also be Googling her big time.

[Anonymous]

Just tell him how you feel. If he pooh-poohs it, ask him how he would feel if you had the same relationship with a handsome, up-and-coming 30 something colleague and was calling him “dear” and telling him details about your life. Sometimes, you have to spell it out for people.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are in the minority of married couples I've realized from my time on DCUM but neither one of us would find a tight friendship with an opposite sex person 30 years younger appropriate in the least. Why is your DH "chummy" with any woman he's not related to at this point in your lives? People are weird and have no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

She lives by you AND met your husband at a bar? How long has she lived by you and when did he meet her?

[Anonymous]

OP how is your sex life with DH?

[Anonymous]

Have you read his texts/emails? How often does he have an opportunity to be alone with this woman? I find it odd you say he has a big job but then has time to pick her up and give her a ride home? I think her age and looks are largely irrelevant...men can cheat with all types.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s normal for men that age to become infatuated with much younger women who either look up to them professionally or in this case it sounds like he helps her around the house since she lives alone.

It’s up to your husband to not cross the line, and he doesn’t have the relatively clear rules of an office setting.

I don’t think it would be inappropriate to check in with him about it in a non-accusatory way. Of course it might not change anything or he might lie, but try to be gentle in case it’s just a crush. That happens. It can be reinvigorating and he may have no intention of crossing the line. Even if he doesn’t want to have an affair, there can be a lot of angst involved. It would be easy for you to be pissed about the angst but try to be compassionate - everyone goes through stuff. It may be a lot more about aging and a lot less about you/your marriage.

Either way recognize that it’s hurtful for you to see him so excited about a diffferent woman and take some time for self care and connecting with friends. Step up activities you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this all happening at work?

If he's pursuing friendships with other women outside of work that's 100% inappropriate. If that's the case I would put a stop to that. Most couples make friends with other couples. Not seeking out the opposite sex, especially single ones. If he's doing that he falls under the "creepy married" guy.

No, they did not meet at work.

What a mixed bag of answers here. I honestly don’t know what to think. She’s really outwardly at least kind and interesting, she’s never married but has lived in several different countries. I *think* she’s from Bulgaria or it might be a neighboring country that she grew up in, lived elsewhere in Europe but definitely Eastern European. I know her by name. She is a neighbor and met my husband at a bar, and we have a lot of mutual friends (ranging from her age to our age). All I can say is DH and her have taken some kind of unusual liking to each other, especially her. A few things bothered me when talking to her, like her asking probing questions like “how did you meet?” and apparently knowing details about him that I didn’t realize he was sharing. And he’s helped her with her car and furniture a while back and has given her a ride home when her car was in service, etc. DH has generally been that kind of guy with friends, male, female, married friends ...but something still seems inappropriate.
Am I just intimidated because she’s 30, slender, and has a “sexy” foreign accent?

Also, our mutual friends have never said they suspected anything, not that I’ve asked. They like her.
OP

What you describe sound like my ex dh’s affair down to the rides and help. Check his cell phone records and get a gps for his car. Do not confront; he will deny and hide better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this all happening at work?

If he's pursuing friendships with other women outside of work that's 100% inappropriate. If that's the case I would put a stop to that. Most couples make friends with other couples. Not seeking out the opposite sex, especially single ones. If he's doing that he falls under the "creepy married" guy.

No, they did not meet at work.

What a mixed bag of answers here. I honestly don’t know what to think. She’s really outwardly at least kind and interesting, she’s never married but has lived in several different countries. I *think* she’s from Bulgaria or it might be a neighboring country that she grew up in, lived elsewhere in Europe but definitely Eastern European. I know her by name. She is a neighbor and met my husband at a bar, and we have a lot of mutual friends (ranging from her age to our age). All I can say is DH and her have taken some kind of unusual liking to each other, especially her. A few things bothered me when talking to her, like her asking probing questions like “how did you meet?” and apparently knowing details about him that I didn’t realize he was sharing. And he’s helped her with her car and furniture a while back and has given her a ride home when her car was in service, etc. DH has generally been that kind of guy with friends, male, female, married friends ...but something still seems inappropriate.
Am I just intimidated because she’s 30, slender, and has a “sexy” foreign accent?

Also, our mutual friends have never said they suspected anything, not that I’ve asked. They like her.
OP

What you describe sound like my ex dh’s affair down to the rides and help. Check his cell phone records and get a gps for his car. Do not confront; he will deny and hide better.

If you did that to me and I was not guilty, it would destroy the relationship for me.

[Anonymous]

Normally I would say you are fine because I can't imagine the average 30 year old woman wants to get with a 65 year old man.

Maybe she has daddy issues and he is a replacement dad for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this all happening at work?

If he's pursuing friendships with other women outside of work that's 100% inappropriate. If that's the case I would put a stop to that. Most couples make friends with other couples. Not seeking out the opposite sex, especially single ones. If he's doing that he falls under the "creepy married" guy.

No, they did not meet at work.

What a mixed bag of answers here. I honestly don’t know what to think. She’s really outwardly at least kind and interesting, she’s never married but has lived in several different countries. I *think* she’s from Bulgaria or it might be a neighboring country that she grew up in, lived elsewhere in Europe but definitely Eastern European. I know her by name. She is a neighbor and met my husband at a bar, and we have a lot of mutual friends (ranging from her age to our age). All I can say is DH and her have taken some kind of unusual liking to each other, especially her. A few things bothered me when talking to her, like her asking probing questions like “how did you meet?” and apparently knowing details about him that I didn’t realize he was sharing. And he’s helped her with her car and furniture a while back and has given her a ride home when her car was in service, etc. DH has generally been that kind of guy with friends, male, female, married friends ...but something still seems inappropriate.
Am I just intimidated because she’s 30, slender, and has a “sexy” foreign accent?

Also, our mutual friends have never said they suspected anything, not that I’ve asked. They like her.
OP

What you describe sound like my ex dh’s affair down to the rides and help. Check his cell phone records and get a gps for his car. Do not confront; he will deny and hide better.

Absolutely not. If you do that and he catches you and he isn't having an affair with the younger, foreign woman...he most certainly will now. Or he'll look more favorably on her than you.

OK, so you know the woman, and you're on good terms with her, right? Maybe try and play matchmaker for her? You even have mutual friends, so that should make this easier and provide context to do so. Suggest some age-appropriate singles that you may know. If you don't know any, be vague and make one up. "The guy who used to staff for our congressman... he's been traveling in Europe and now he's back, I'm sure he'd like to meet you!" Something like that. Innocuous and vague enough but that she gets the picture.