Need advice for dealing with a family member that won't do anything independently

[Anonymous]

another person who does not understand anxiety. You think she is just going to "wish" it away, 'try harder'. How about you try harder to be empathetic and understanding
Would be no reason for therapists if we could all 'just try harder'. Stop being selfish

Oh, please. Not everyone with anxiety is like the PP who has been in therapy and working on it for 5 years, actually making a major effort to improve. Most of the people we are talking about use their anxiety as an excuse, and never actually try do anything about it. I do understand anxiety a bit, as I have real physical symptoms when flying - sweating, rapid heartbeat, nausea, intestinal distress, feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I travel every couple of months and honestly, it never gets easier. It is very uncomfortable. But I recognize that these are just feelings and symptoms and if my little snowflake self wants to keep her job, she'll figure out a way to push through, either through medication, therapy, or white knuckling. Some folks have anxiety that is completely debilitating, but most fall somewhere on a spectrum where they could improve if they sought help. Point being, you can't make people change who don't want to change.

[Anonymous]

Good God. Talk about burying the lede. You live in Europe and your in-laws need to take multi-leg flights to get there and you can’t understand your MIL’s hesitancy? You’re nuts lady. To many people, particularly an older generation the idea of going to Europe is a be deal and it can be emotionally taxing to think about leaving your country for another. OP, you’re being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why don't you see if she will come to stay with you if she has an escort each way. Your FIL takes one weekend and flies out with her to your home, spends a day or two and then flies home alone. She stays for some duration dependent upon how long you can tolerate her in your home and how long she feels comfortable being away from home and her husband. Let's say she comes out for two weeks. Then at the end, your husband flies with her to her home and flies back home alone. She has a a trusted escort for each trip who can take care of all of the travel issues that cause her anxiety and she doesn't have to worry about those. She just has to go for the ride. She'll be staying in your home for her visit, but she can stay longer than your FIL can take off from work.

OP here. We have done this before, and it works fine. The complicating factor is that we live in Europe right now, and the trip here is a bit complex given the small city they're flying from in the States. At least two connections, not cheap. My FIL has to come over 1-2 times a year for work. She will usually fly with him, and my husband will have to take a train or a plane to pick her up and bring her to our house. FIL will come later and then they fly home. So, in response to previous posters, this may simply be related to travel. However, I also think there is something to the idea that she and my FIL simply prefer/need to do everything together. I've never seen two people that are so intertwined. Again, I love them both, and mean no disrespect. I am simply trying to figure out ways to make her feel more comfortable coming to stay with us.

But I also hear what everyone is saying about anxiety/mental illness. I have anxiety myself, so I understand, but perhaps hers is so crippling that it's not possible for her to overcome it. I'll stand down, but ultimately feel sad for my children that they won't have the same relationship with my ILs as they do with my parents (who visit frequently).

I thought you were more reasonable before you answered here. Now I think you are unreasonable. Your MIL comes from a small city. You are asking her to fly to Europe on a flight that takes at least two connections and is not cheap. She will need to navigate not only travel, but visas. passports and customs and go through airports and local transportation where she might not be able to find someone who speaks English and you think think that it is trivial for her to come and visit you and that she has no reason for not wanting to do this alone?

Sorry, but not everyone is a worldly international traveler that can pick up and travel by themselves easily through multi-leg journeys that involve travel in foreign countries where they may have to communicate with people who do not speak the same language.

As you say, this works fine. So make allowances for her to come and visit you and arrange for her husband or her son to escort her each way. If they travel on weekends, then neither your husband nor your FIL have to take off work to escort her. Make each trip longer, like a month for a visit and you'll have her around more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So why don't you see if she will come to stay with you if she has an escort each way. Your FIL takes one weekend and flies out with her to your home, spends a day or two and then flies home alone. She stays for some duration dependent upon how long you can tolerate her in your home and how long she feels comfortable being away from home and her husband. Let's say she comes out for two weeks. Then at the end, your husband flies with her to her home and flies back home alone. She has a a trusted escort for each trip who can take care of all of the travel issues that cause her anxiety and she doesn't have to worry about those. She just has to go for the ride. She'll be staying in your home for her visit, but she can stay longer than your FIL can take off from work.

OP here. We have done this before, and it works fine. The complicating factor is that we live in Europe right now, and the trip here is a bit complex given the small city they're flying from in the States. At least two connections, not cheap. My FIL has to come over 1-2 times a year for work. She will usually fly with him, and my husband will have to take a train or a plane to pick her up and bring her to our house. FIL will come later and then they fly home. So, in response to previous posters, this may simply be related to travel. However, I also think there is something to the idea that she and my FIL simply prefer/need to do everything together. I've never seen two people that are so intertwined. Again, I love them both, and mean no disrespect. I am simply trying to figure out ways to make her feel more comfortable coming to stay with us.

But I also hear what everyone is saying about anxiety/mental illness. I have anxiety myself, so I understand, but perhaps hers is so crippling that it's not possible for her to overcome it. I'll stand down, but ultimately feel sad for my children that they won't have the same relationship with my ILs as they do with my parents (who visit frequently).

I thought you were more reasonable before you answered here. Now I think you are unreasonable. Your MIL comes from a small city. You are asking her to fly to Europe on a flight that takes at least two connections and is not cheap. She will need to navigate not only travel, but visas. passports and customs and go through airports and local transportation where she might not be able to find someone who speaks English and you think think that it is trivial for her to come and visit you and that she has no reason for not wanting to do this alone?

Sorry, but not everyone is a worldly international traveler that can pick up and travel by themselves easily through multi-leg journeys that involve travel in foreign countries where they may have to communicate with people who do not speak the same language.

As you say, this works fine. So make allowances for her to come and visit you and arrange for her husband or her son to escort her each way. If they travel on weekends, then neither your husband nor your FIL have to take off work to escort her. Make each trip longer, like a month for a visit and you'll have her around more.

OP here. She doesn't come from a small city; she comes from a major metropolitan East Coast city; my in laws only recently moved to a smaller city down South for warmer weather. She wouldn't even come visit us when it was a 45 minute flight to DC from her previous hometown. The current logistical details are only important because they make it impossible for someone to accompany her for a drop off.

[Anonymous]

NP, and I think OP is totally unreasonable and out of line. No wonder she didn’t mention where she lived at first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP, and I think OP is totally unreasonable and out of line. No wonder she didn’t mention where she lived at first!

This, and she insists the travel details aren't relevant.


The reason it is not easy to accompany her is the same reason it's especially hard for her to fly alone. It's long and complicated. You are asking too much of MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

another person who does not understand anxiety. You think she is just going to "wish" it away, 'try harder'. How about you try harder to be empathetic and understanding
Would be no reason for therapists if we could all 'just try harder'. Stop being selfish

Oh, please. Not everyone with anxiety is like the PP who has been in therapy and working on it for 5 years, actually making a major effort to improve. Most of the people we are talking about use their anxiety as an excuse, and never actually try do anything about it. I do understand anxiety a bit, as I have real physical symptoms when flying - sweating, rapid heartbeat, nausea, intestinal distress, feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I travel every couple of months and honestly, it never gets easier. It is very uncomfortable. But I recognize that these are just feelings and symptoms and if my little snowflake self wants to keep her job, she'll figure out a way to push through, either through medication, therapy, or white knuckling. Some folks have anxiety that is completely debilitating, but most fall somewhere on a spectrum where they could improve if they sought help. Point being, you can't make people change who don't want to change.

In other words, if I did it , everyone else should as well.

[Anonymous]

I think at 60 most people understand themselves ,their likes and dislikes. You need to leave this alone. You feelings are not coming from a good place. If says he were pressuring you to visit I may understand you trying to get change her. You cant change people. They have to want to change themselves.

[Anonymous]

This sounds about you wanting her to watch your kids and help when you need her. Clearly she doesn't want to come, maybe it is anxiety, depression. If her own husband and son won't push her, why are you inserting yourself? You want a relationship, go see her.

[Anonymous]

A lot of in-laws just don’t care about their kids or grandkids. Visiting and seeing them isn’t important. I had to realize that and now I feel better about my situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mother in law, and my children adore her. The problem - we don't live close by, and she will not travel alone to come visit us. Our children are her only grandchildren, and I am resisting the premise that either we have to take the kids to see her or that she can only come visit when my father in law can accompany her. The family - my husband included - completely coddles her, and explains this problem as "her nerves", which prevent her from getting on a plane alone (hell, even driving on a major highway alone!) But I really think she's missing out on a golden time with her grandchildren, and I think my husband and his father should push her a bit more to broaden her horizons. She's only 60 and has loads of free time, so I feel like we shouldn't give up on her yet!

Here are the things I've suggested so far (they haven't worked):
- my mom offered to fly to her, pick her up, and fly to our house (this is a multi-state, multi-country endeavor). My mother in law politely declined, despite the fact that she knows my mom, and they get along very well.
- in a time of crisis, when we really needed help with the kids, I asked my husband to ask for her help. We offered to pay for her flight and all expenses. My mother in law said she'd see if my father in law could arrange a trip for the two of them to help, but he has work obligations and couldn't make it work.

I know this is my husband's problem to sort out, and he doesn't "want to make her feel badly", but it's driving me nuts. He's taking our two older kids all the way to visit her in a week or so, and I'm annoyed that we're giving in to this situation. Am I wrong to be annoyed?

I wouldn’t let someone this weak and neurotic watch my kids. How would she handle an emergency?

[Anonymous]

There is nothing to deal with here at all. MIL comes twice a year with FIL, I thought it is going to be about someone not going grocery shopping instead we have a DIL who is pushy as hell and trying to get a companion and help with her kids.

[Anonymous]

Just teach them all to use FaceTime. Bazillions of kids only see their grandparents once or twice a year and have lovely close relationships.

I think you are foisting your wishes on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good God. Talk about burying the lede. You live in Europe and your in-laws need to take multi-leg flights to get there and you can’t understand your MIL’s hesitancy? You’re nuts lady. To many people, particularly an older generation the idea of going to Europe is a be deal and it can be emotionally taxing to think about leaving your country for another. OP, you’re being ridiculous.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

another person who does not understand anxiety. You think she is just going to "wish" it away, 'try harder'. How about you try harder to be empathetic and understanding
Would be no reason for therapists if we could all 'just try harder'. Stop being selfish

Oh, please. Not everyone with anxiety is like the PP who has been in therapy and working on it for 5 years, actually making a major effort to improve. Most of the people we are talking about use their anxiety as an excuse, and never actually try do anything about it. I do understand anxiety a bit, as I have real physical symptoms when flying - sweating, rapid heartbeat, nausea, intestinal distress, feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I travel every couple of months and honestly, it never gets easier. It is very uncomfortable. But I recognize that these are just feelings and symptoms and if my little snowflake self wants to keep her job, she'll figure out a way to push through, either through medication, therapy, or white knuckling. Some folks have anxiety that is completely debilitating, but most fall somewhere on a spectrum where they could improve if they sought help. Point being, you can't make people change who don't want to change.

In other words, if I did it , everyone else should as well.

I think PP summed things up very well. Yes, everyone with anxiety, even severe anxiety, should take steps to overcome it if they want a full life and value relationships with their extended family. I don't think it's reasonable for OP to expect too many trips to Europe though.