Need advice for dealing with a family member that won't do anything independently

[Anonymous]

I love my mother in law, and my children adore her. The problem - we don't live close by, and she will not travel alone to come visit us. Our children are her only grandchildren, and I am resisting the premise that either we have to take the kids to see her or that she can only come visit when my father in law can accompany her. The family - my husband included - completely coddles her, and explains this problem as "her nerves", which prevent her from getting on a plane alone (hell, even driving on a major highway alone!) But I really think she's missing out on a golden time with her grandchildren, and I think my husband and his father should push her a bit more to broaden her horizons. She's only 60 and has loads of free time, so I feel like we shouldn't give up on her yet!

Here are the things I've suggested so far (they haven't worked):
- my mom offered to fly to her, pick her up, and fly to our house (this is a multi-state, multi-country endeavor). My mother in law politely declined, despite the fact that she knows my mom, and they get along very well.
- in a time of crisis, when we really needed help with the kids, I asked my husband to ask for her help. We offered to pay for her flight and all expenses. My mother in law said she'd see if my father in law could arrange a trip for the two of them to help, but he has work obligations and couldn't make it work.

I know this is my husband's problem to sort out, and he doesn't "want to make her feel badly", but it's driving me nuts. He's taking our two older kids all the way to visit her in a week or so, and I'm annoyed that we're giving in to this situation. Am I wrong to be annoyed?

[Anonymous]

You know who she is. This is what she does, so never expect any differently from her. Don’t waste any further energy on hoping she becomes someone else.

[Anonymous]

Is it that she won’t do “anything” independently, or simply that she won’t travel independently? Honestly you sound a little entitled. Not her responsibility to help with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you’re wrong to be annoyed. Who are you to say what she should be doing? Just deal with who she is. You and/or your husband Travel to her as much as you can/want and let the rest go.

[Anonymous]

You need a different back up plan that is independent of your MIL.

My mom gets so anxious that she also won’t travel to any unfamiliar locations (driving or flying) alone, and it’s only getting worse with time. She is abysmal at reading maps and gets confused really easily. She’s also got some incontinence issues that are embarrassing for her to talk about, so she only goes to places where she knows the lay of the land implicitly and doesn’t want to have to discuss this with someone who isn’t very very close to her. Your MIL could have some similar issues, or maybe it’s something else. Point is, it isn’t up to you to decide what she feels capable of.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This truly comes from a place of love, and a desire for my children to spend more time with their grandparents. If it's that they see them sporadically because we can't afford to take a family of five on an expensive and long trip, than I will accept that. I don't expect her to come help with our children (we've made the choice to live away from family; it's our responsibility to deal with childcare). I simply thought it might provide the right type of incentive to convince her to come visit us.

I just don't want to give up on her. I could imagine a scenario, for example, where we fly her out to stay with us for an extended period of time (as we do with my mom). She'd get loads of time with the kids, which I know she would love. It's just about getting her over this little hump.

I know it hurts my husband's feelings that they don't take the initiative to visit us, and then he feels guilty for not going to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This truly comes from a place of love, and a desire for my children to spend more time with their grandparents. If it's that they see them sporadically because we can't afford to take a family of five on an expensive and long trip, than I will accept that. I don't expect her to come help with our children (we've made the choice to live away from family; it's our responsibility to deal with childcare). I simply thought it might provide the right type of incentive to convince her to come visit us.

I just don't want to give up on her. I could imagine a scenario, for example, where we fly her out to stay with us for an extended period of time (as we do with my mom). She'd get loads of time with the kids, which I know she would love. It's just about getting her over this little hump.

I know it hurts my husband's feelings that they don't take the initiative to visit us, and then he feels guilty for not going to them.

You want free babysitting.

Don’t you think her son and husband know her well enough that when they decide not to fight her on this it’s the right choice? Why do you know better than they do? Do you do everything better than them?

[Anonymous]

OP, it doesn’t matter whether you think it’s a loving gesture or not. She doesn’t want to do it. It’s not you giving up on her, it’s you accepting her. Help your husband give up on feeling guilty, as there’s no need for that. Nor should you try to make her feel guilty. Sorry, but you are wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This truly comes from a place of love, and a desire for my children to spend more time with their grandparents. If it's that they see them sporadically because we can't afford to take a family of five on an expensive and long trip, than I will accept that. I don't expect her to come help with our children (we've made the choice to live away from family; it's our responsibility to deal with childcare). I simply thought it might provide the right type of incentive to convince her to come visit us.

I just don't want to give up on her. I could imagine a scenario, for example, where we fly her out to stay with us for an extended period of time (as we do with my mom). She'd get loads of time with the kids, which I know she would love. It's just about getting her over this little hump.

I know it hurts my husband's feelings that they don't take the initiative to visit us, and then he feels guilty for not going to them.

You want free babysitting.

Don’t you think her son and husband know her well enough that when they decide not to fight her on this it’s the right choice? Why do you know better than they do? Do you do everything better than them?

OP here. It's really amazing to me how cynical this is. I don't need or want free babysitting. My children are in school full time, and we have our own sitters if/when we need them. This is about fostering a relationship between my children and their paternal grandmother. I will absolutely accept her the way she is, but I will not feel guilty when she drops hints about missing her grand kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it that she won’t do “anything” independently, or simply that she won’t travel independently? Honestly you sound a little entitled. Not her responsibility to help with your kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

She is free to choose to not visit solo, but that shouldn't put added pressure on you to fly there.

[Anonymous]

You are entitled.

[Anonymous]

OP, decide on what schedule, of you visiting, would *not* make you feel resentful. Traveling to her with the kids once a year? 2 or 4 times? Only you can answer that. Then, accept it. Do only that. Let the chips fall where they may. Your husband can make extra trips, alone or with the kids.

Btw, don't "announce" your decision on your schedule, just quietly enact it.

Don't waste a second more trying to figure out "the why".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This truly comes from a place of love, and a desire for my children to spend more time with their grandparents. If it's that they see them sporadically because we can't afford to take a family of five on an expensive and long trip, than I will accept that. I don't expect her to come help with our children (we've made the choice to live away from family; it's our responsibility to deal with childcare). I simply thought it might provide the right type of incentive to convince her to come visit us.

I just don't want to give up on her. I could imagine a scenario, for example, where we fly her out to stay with us for an extended period of time (as we do with my mom). She'd get loads of time with the kids, which I know she would love. It's just about getting her over this little hump.

I know it hurts my husband's feelings that they don't take the initiative to visit us, and then he feels guilty for not going to them.

You want free babysitting.

Don’t you think her son and husband know her well enough that when they decide not to fight her on this it’s the right choice? Why do you know better than they do? Do you do everything better than them?

OP here. It's really amazing to me how cynical this is. I don't need or want free babysitting. My children are in school full time, and we have our own sitters if/when we need them. This is about fostering a relationship between my children and their paternal grandmother. I will absolutely accept her the way she is, but I will not feel guilty when she drops hints about missing her grand kids.

You brought these opinions on yourself, OP:

"-in a time of crisis, when we really needed help with the kids, I asked my husband to ask for her help. We offered to pay for her flight and all expenses. My mother in law said she'd see if my father in law could arrange a trip for the two of them to help, but he has work obligations and couldn't make it work."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I will absolutely accept her the way she is, but I will not feel guilty when she drops hints about missing her grand kids.

This. Op, you've already written the appropriate way for you and your husband to deal with this. Don't just say it, do it.