Need advice for dealing with a family member that won't do anything independently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to learn more about mental illness. Or she may have another physical issue that she does not want to disclose.

My SIL decided to "push" her MIL to fly alone. MIL had a panic attack in the first flight and the airport staff took her to the ER in the layover city. SIL's DH (MIL's son) had to drive to the layover city to pick her up. She has refused to fly at all, even with a family member, ever since. Is that what you want?

Okay then. If she prefers to prioritize mental illness the so be it.

OP, you can’t force her to get better. It’s no different than an alcoholic who refuses treatment.

All you can do is set boundaries. If she complains about missing the children, let her know she has an open invitation to visit anytime. Aside from that, let it go. And above all, don’t enable the behavior. No extra trips. No dipping into your vacation fund to fit in extra trips.

She will get mental health treatment when she is ready and not one second before.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation with my ILs although my its both my MIL and FIL. We have tried to push them to visit us more (its a 2 hour drive) but the bottom line is they are comfortable staying in their house in their small town. I am sure that anxiety plays into this. The older they get the more they just want to stay home. After many years and lots of frustration DH and I have tried to accept this. We wish that our relationship with them was different and that they visited more often but there is nothing we can do about the situation and we're trying to just accept them the way they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know who she is. This is what she does, so never expect any differently from her. Don’t waste any further energy on hoping she becomes someone else.

+1

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t assume that when she says she misses her grandchildren that she is “hinting around” that she wants you all to come visit her. She could be just making conversation.

[Anonymous]

So she wouldn't accept your mom as an escort.

There is more going on here. Enough so that there's no point in being upset, and yes it will make her life smaller.

Maybe FIL is awful and doesn't like to be separated (but they aren't telling). Maybe she doesn't like the separation.

Maybe she is manipulative and demanding.

Maybe travel terrifies her irrationally and she doesn't want your mom to witness.

Could be anything, but that's the end of the discussion. You can't fix this so don't try.

[Anonymous]

She has serious anxiety. It’s not a question of broadening her horizons or willpower. Anxiety is a real thing OP.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't want to. Yes, its nice to have involved grandparents but some just aren't willing. My mom is close, I had very involved grandparents who would come with no notice but my mom will not help at all.

[Anonymous]

So why don't you see if she will come to stay with you if she has an escort each way. Your FIL takes one weekend and flies out with her to your home, spends a day or two and then flies home alone. She stays for some duration dependent upon how long you can tolerate her in your home and how long she feels comfortable being away from home and her husband. Let's say she comes out for two weeks. Then at the end, your husband flies with her to her home and flies back home alone. She has a a trusted escort for each trip who can take care of all of the travel issues that cause her anxiety and she doesn't have to worry about those. She just has to go for the ride. She'll be staying in your home for her visit, but she can stay longer than your FIL can take off from work.

[Anonymous]

We tried for many years to have my MIL vacation with us. We offered all expenses paid, plenty of alone time with her only grandchild, etc. We asked her to go to the beach with her own room and bathroom. We told her we completely get it if being out on the beach is too much for her. We picked a house in a community where she could go to the pool or take walks or sit and read a book or watch a show or get her nails done. She always declined so we stopped asking. Now whenever we go on vacation, she pouts and is upset that we are going without her.

[Anonymous]

Can DH fly to her to escort her to your place? Or does she really not want to go if FIL can’t go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So why don't you see if she will come to stay with you if she has an escort each way. Your FIL takes one weekend and flies out with her to your home, spends a day or two and then flies home alone. She stays for some duration dependent upon how long you can tolerate her in your home and how long she feels comfortable being away from home and her husband. Let's say she comes out for two weeks. Then at the end, your husband flies with her to her home and flies back home alone. She has a a trusted escort for each trip who can take care of all of the travel issues that cause her anxiety and she doesn't have to worry about those. She just has to go for the ride. She'll be staying in your home for her visit, but she can stay longer than your FIL can take off from work.

OP here. We have done this before, and it works fine. The complicating factor is that we live in Europe right now, and the trip here is a bit complex given the small city they're flying from in the States. At least two connections, not cheap. My FIL has to come over 1-2 times a year for work. She will usually fly with him, and my husband will have to take a train or a plane to pick her up and bring her to our house. FIL will come later and then they fly home. So, in response to previous posters, this may simply be related to travel. However, I also think there is something to the idea that she and my FIL simply prefer/need to do everything together. I've never seen two people that are so intertwined. Again, I love them both, and mean no disrespect. I am simply trying to figure out ways to make her feel more comfortable coming to stay with us.

But I also hear what everyone is saying about anxiety/mental illness. I have anxiety myself, so I understand, but perhaps hers is so crippling that it's not possible for her to overcome it. I'll stand down, but ultimately feel sad for my children that they won't have the same relationship with my ILs as they do with my parents (who visit frequently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar situation with my ILs although my its both my MIL and FIL. We have tried to push them to visit us more (its a 2 hour drive) but the bottom line is they are comfortable staying in their house in their small town. I am sure that anxiety plays into this. The older they get the more they just want to stay home. After many years and lots of frustration DH and I have tried to accept this. We wish that our relationship with them was different and that they visited more often but there is nothing we can do about the situation and we're trying to just accept them the way they are.

+1. This is my parents as well. They are also a 2-hour drive away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't want to. Yes, its nice to have involved grandparents but some just aren't willing.

Ding-Ding-Ding! My MIL, who only lives just over an hour away, has never independently come to visit us. She was only 52 when we were first married, and had been out of the workforce for over a decade at that point. She complains that she doesn't see us and the kids enough, but refuses to come to us because, "you know I don't drive on unfamiliar roads". Sometimes DH picks her up and brings her to us and then drops her back off at her house. She won't take the train to us (station is close to her house and we would pick her up right on the tracks near us).

I understand that this is tied to anxiety, but I just can't understand the unwillingness to overcome it. Is this a generational thing? I have only come across this type of behavior in women of my parent's generation or older. Plenty of people have some anxiety with travel - I am an anxious flyer, but I put on my big girl pants and do it because "you know I just don't fly" won't cut it with my employer. I think that women who do this have been coddled their whole lives and will never change.

[Anonymous]

Another viewpoint...

OP, I have serious driving anxiety on the highway, to the point where I have almost passed out while driving. I t came on slowly and has peaked during menopause. And, am on daily meds, but cannot take a benzo to lower anxiety even more and drive, because I fall asleep. I am working on overcoming it but am in year 5 of therapy, it is not easy.

So, I feel for you MIL. I would be ok traveling with someone else, but will still have some anxiety during the trip. My mom has the same problems, but never sought too much help other than medication, as is common with her generation.

It's not an easy, and your MIL probably does feel really sad she does not see grandchildren because of this problem, I know I feel sad I can't get together with friends and family as much as I want. Like I said, I'm working on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't want to. Yes, its nice to have involved grandparents but some just aren't willing.

Ding-Ding-Ding! My MIL, who only lives just over an hour away, has never independently come to visit us. She was only 52 when we were first married, and had been out of the workforce for over a decade at that point. She complains that she doesn't see us and the kids enough, but refuses to come to us because, "you know I don't drive on unfamiliar roads". Sometimes DH picks her up and brings her to us and then drops her back off at her house. She won't take the train to us (station is close to her house and we would pick her up right on the tracks near us).

I understand that this is tied to anxiety, but I just can't understand the unwillingness to overcome it. Is this a generational thing? I have only come across this type of behavior in women of my parent's generation or older. Plenty of people have some anxiety with travel - I am an anxious flyer, but I put on my big girl pants and do it because "you know I just don't fly" won't cut it with my employer. I think that women who do this have been coddled their whole lives and will never change.

another person who does not understand anxiety. You think she is just going to "wish" it away, 'try harder'. How about you try harder to be empathetic and understanding
Would be no reason for therapists if we could all 'just try harder'.
Stop being selfish.