Need advice for dealing with a family member that won't do anything independently

[Anonymous]

I have several family members with such severe anxiety that they don't really fly. Occasionally they do, but not often and it's often a huge endeavor.

Patience and persistence. The more she does fly, even with FIL, the more confidant she'll feel. I'd also suggest she ask her doctor for a xanax (or something similar) for her infrequent flights. My DH does this, has a script for maybe 10 pills a year that he takes only when flying.

How old are your kids? Eventually they'll be able to fly alone to go see her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's really amazing to me how cynical this is. I don't need or want free babysitting. My children are in school full time, and we have our own sitters if/when we need them. This is about fostering a relationship between my children and their paternal grandmother. I will absolutely accept her the way she is, but I will not feel guilty when she drops hints about missing her grand kids.

I agree you shouldn’t feel guilty about her missing her grandkids but I am also 100% certain you can’t change her and you shouldn’t try. It is just going to make everyone miserable and not work.

[Anonymous]

It's called ANXIETY.

It's a legitimate mental health disorder. Lots of people are in denial and do not seek treatment, pharmaceutical or otherwise.

My mother suffers from the same symptoms, but much worse. She literally cannot leave her apartment without my father, and ever since he retired, they've been scotched together. Nothing I can do about it. And travel alone??? Ha! Forget it.

[Anonymous]

People say they are supportive of those with mental health issues, but really they don't understand them, nor are they supportive.

[Anonymous]

I have great parents but neither will come see us without their spouse. I too am annoyed at my inlaws doing this because my FIL works M-F and my MIL works Saturday and Sunday so they can't EVER come see us. When we visit them, she works all weekend. I wish she'd just come on weekdays to visit, but she will not.

My parents don't visit without each other either. My mom wouldn't even fly to my bridal shower because my dad couldn't come then (he works, she does not).

[Anonymous]

Continuing to pressure her to fly alone is not "not giving up on her." It's refusing to accept that a 60-year-old woman is the way that she is, and is unlikely to change, and dealing with her as she is and not as you wish she would be. She's clearly got serious anxiety about flying.

You need to just work with the situation you have. You (meaning you and your husband) travel to see her as much as you are able and willing to do so. You don't feel guilty that you can't do more. You ignore any hints about wanting to see her grandkids more. And you welcome her visits when she comes with her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People say they are supportive of those with mental health issues, but really they don't understand them, nor are they supportive.

This. I frequently hear people saying stuff like “I know she has depression, but if she would just try to be more positive...” No, you don’t understand.

That’s what struck me about OP’s post — how dismissive she is of her MIL’s refusal to come alone. OP is “sure” she would love the time with the kids — she’s probably right. But she’s not getting that flying alone must be an even bigger deal to get in the way of seeing her grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

"Nerves" are how many older people discribe anxiety. Here is what takes place when I exit my comfort zone independently: stomach troubles, sometimes just nausea, sometimes vomitting, diarrhea, excessive sweeting, dizzy spells, the shakes, chest pains and occasionally I pass out. Not things I want to do alone while travelling. Sorry this is inconvient for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to learn more about mental illness. Or she may have another physical issue that she does not want to disclose.

My SIL decided to "push" her MIL to fly alone. MIL had a panic attack in the first flight and the airport staff took her to the ER in the layover city. SIL's DH (MIL's son) had to drive to the layover city to pick her up. She has refused to fly at all, even with a family member, ever since. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Could your FIL fly with her to you and spend the weekend. He flies back and comes back to get her in two weeks. She doesn’t have to fly alone, he gets back to work and she gets extra time with the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it that she won’t do “anything” independently, or simply that she won’t travel independently? Honestly you sound a little entitled. Not her responsibility to help with your kids.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it that she won’t do “anything” independently, or simply that she won’t travel independently? Honestly you sound a little entitled. Not her responsibility to help with your kids.

This.

What?! This is a DIL who is trying to spend time with her MIL, not to get free babysitting. DIL isn't going away or leaving her kids with her.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she actually has anxiety like most PPs are assuming, or maybe she just doesn’t like traveling without her husband. I know quite a few people of that generation who just don’t travel separately - not because of anxiety or anything else outside of their control - just because they don’t go anywhere without their spouse. They don’t have that kind of independence. Regardless of the reasons, PPs are right that you can’t force her to change. But I would not take on the guilt. Whenever she makes comments about missing her grandkids, just keep repeating that she is welcome any time.

It’s only going to get worse as your kids get older and their activities increase and they want to spend more of their free time with their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it that she won’t do “anything” independently, or simply that she won’t travel independently? Honestly you sound a little entitled. Not her responsibility to help with your kids.

This.

What?! This is a DIL who is trying to spend time with her MIL, not to get free babysitting. DIL isn't going away or leaving her kids with her.

Yeah but besides flying/traveling she hasn’t even mentioned anything else that MIL supposedly won’t do independently.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't do 'anything' independently, or she doesn't travel internationally independently?