Need advice for dealing with a family member that won't do anything independently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another viewpoint...

OP, I have serious driving anxiety on the highway, to the point where I have almost passed out while driving. I t came on slowly and has peaked during menopause. And, am on daily meds, but cannot take a benzo to lower anxiety even more and drive, because I fall asleep. I am working on overcoming it but am in year 5 of therapy, it is not easy.

So, I feel for you MIL. I would be ok traveling with someone else, but will still have some anxiety during the trip. My mom has the same problems, but never sought too much help other than medication, as is common with her generation.

It's not an easy, and your MIL probably does feel really sad she does not see grandchildren because of this problem, I know I feel sad I can't get together with friends and family as much as I want. Like I said, I'm working on it.

It's gotten better, but I always had anxiety flying alone (the thought I was gonna die among strangers!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This truly comes from a place of love, and a desire for my children to spend more time with their grandparents. If it's that they see them sporadically because we can't afford to take a family of five on an expensive and long trip, than I will accept that. I don't expect her to come help with our children (we've made the choice to live away from family; it's our responsibility to deal with childcare). I simply thought it might provide the right type of incentive to convince her to come visit us.

I just don't want to give up on her. I could imagine a scenario, for example, where we fly her out to stay with us for an extended period of time (as we do with my mom). She'd get loads of time with the kids, which I know she would love. It's just about getting her over this little hump.

I know it hurts my husband's feelings that they don't take the initiative to visit us, and then he feels guilty for not going to them.

You want free babysitting.

Don’t you think her son and husband know her well enough that when they decide not to fight her on this it’s the right choice? Why do you know better than they do? Do you do everything better than them?

OP here. It's really amazing to me how cynical this is. I don't need or want free babysitting. My children are in school full time, and we have our own sitters if/when we need them. This is about fostering a relationship between my children and their paternal grandmother. I will absolutely accept her the way she is, but I will not feel guilty when she drops hints about missing her grand kids.

Then that’s your solution: you shouldn’t feel guilty, nor should your DH. It is what it is — she won’t travel alone, despite loving and missing her grandkids, and your family can only afford to visit her sporadically. Nothing is going to change that. Accept her for who she is; you’re giving up on trying to change her, but you’re not actually giving up on HER. That’s a misperception on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

another person who does not understand anxiety. You think she is just going to "wish" it away, 'try harder'. How about you try harder to be empathetic and understanding
Would be no reason for therapists if we could all 'just try harder'. Stop being selfish

Oh, please. Not everyone with anxiety is like the PP who has been in therapy and working on it for 5 years, actually making a major effort to improve. Most of the people we are talking about use their anxiety as an excuse, and never actually try do anything about it. I do understand anxiety a bit, as I have real physical symptoms when flying - sweating, rapid heartbeat, nausea, intestinal distress, feeling like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I travel every couple of months and honestly, it never gets easier. It is very uncomfortable. But I recognize that these are just feelings and symptoms and if my little snowflake self wants to keep her job, she'll figure out a way to push through, either through medication, therapy, or white knuckling. Some folks have anxiety that is completely debilitating, but most fall somewhere on a spectrum where they could improve if they sought help. Point being, you can't make people change who don't want to change.

It would also be reasonable for someone in your position to find a job that doesn’t require frequent travel. I hate flying and can suck it up for vacations but would never take a job where I have to do it every few months. That doesn’t make me inferior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to learn more about mental illness. Or she may have another physical issue that she does not want to disclose.

My SIL decided to "push" her MIL to fly alone. MIL had a panic attack in the first flight and the airport staff took her to the ER in the layover city. SIL's DH (MIL's son) had to drive to the layover city to pick her up. She has refused to fly at all, even with a family member, ever since. Is that what you want?

Okay then. If she prefers to prioritize mental illness the so be it.

OP, you can’t force her to get better. It’s no different than an alcoholic who refuses treatment.

All you can do is set boundaries. If she complains about missing the children, let her know she has an open invitation to visit anytime. Aside from that, let it go. And above all, don’t enable the behavior. No extra trips. No dipping into your vacation fund to fit in extra trips.

She will get mental health treatment when she is ready and not one second before.

Avoiding treatment for alcoholism is a totally different ballgame than avoiding flying due to panic attacks. You can’t compare the two. That’s ridiculous.

OP is well-meaning, but bull-headed.

[Anonymous]

Why are people still going on about OP's MIL? She travels twice a year overseas, yes with her DH. How many 60 year olds or for that matter 30 year old travle overseas several times a year just so? Not for work? Not many that I know. My mom is 70, and in the past she would come visit once a year from Europe, and stay a bit longer. Now she is looking for a direct flight, avoiding Frankfurt airport, my dad passed away so she is also talking about how it is not the same. In the past she traveled on her own to SubSuharan Africa to visit us! This is all normal for people. Even young people. OP is being ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

And what a ridiculous comment that this is no different than alcoholism! MIL traveling overseas twice a year, but not wanting to go on her own and change flights etc is nothing like alcoholism!