Regret having children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will raise my hand, and hang my head in shame.

I suspect most people here either have kids who have launched, and thus have some more distance, or, as some previous poster, have very young kids.

I have a tween and a teen, and if you had asked me even two years ago, I would have said that my kids are amazing, that I love them more than my own life, and that I couldn't imagine my life without them. The first two of those statements still hold true, but over the past year I have been longingly daydreaming about the day when they are finally out of the house.

They both have some mild special needs, and the hormones are not helping, but they are both difficult, rude, argumentative, stubborn and dare I say lazy. We have spent countless hours and $ on various therapies for both, we put every support imaginable in place to help them, we spent a lot of time exposing them to every possible beneficial EC but let them chose their own path and interests in which we have been unfailingly supportive. Yet, they barely get by academically, are selfish and inconsiderate of the effort that it takes to keep our household running and meeting their every need, and take little to no responsibility for their own failings - everything is always someone else's fault.

I am sure that we as parents are partially to blame for this, but I am not sure what else we could have done. I have read many parenting books, taken classes, I am in therapy myself for the anxiety that keeps mounting because I worry so much about my children. We support them academically, help with homework, remind about projects, instrument practice, take them to playdates, drive them to and from their chosen sports, make sure they have enough downtime, spend enough time outdoors, provide healthy meals, travel to both fun and educational places, and yet, none of it seems to make any difference.

I fervently hope that this is just a stage, and that my smart, funny, sunny kids will eventually return to us, but right now I am dejected and almost dreading walking through the door each afternoon, only to be faced with a new drama, or some other way that I have allegedly failed them. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. So maybe you just caught me at a bad time, but if you are asking me today whether I regret having children, the answer is "yes, absolutely".

There, flame away.

no flaming here. *mutely hands PP glass of wine*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

Oh, come on! My kids are super emotionally draining, but it's not because they are needy or sensitive. It's because kids are super emotionally draining. Full stop. It hits some parents harder than others (News flash: people are different!). You realize this person just told us that what her mother told her was incredibly painful for her and you basically doubled-down on it? I hope you are kinder to yourself and to others in person, because on the internet you suck.

Um no. Reading comprehension is your friend. PP's mother was honest with her about kids being emotionally draining. You just admitted yours are too. Does that mean you don't love your kids even if at times you might wish you didn't have them at that moment? Because if so then you are just as bad as PP's mother. BUT I suspect that's not really what you meant when you said that and neither did PP's mom. However, PP is carrying on about being traumatized by this statement which is an extreme reaction to a very honest, self-aware feeling that her mother had, and apparently one that many others, such as yourself, also share.

PP is also being self-aware and honest and expressing her honest feeling about being told raising her was difficult, and you are not giving her the same level of understanding that you do her mother for expressing her feelings of trauma at being a mother. Many people share PP's feelings of trauma at being told by their parents they were not wanted, or were difficult, or that their parents would have made a different choice if they could do it over again. Yet that doesn't seem to be good enough for you to acknowledge her feelings as legitimate, even while you allow that her mother's feelings are legitimate in part because others share them.

Pot meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

I actually feel it's very comforting to read the facebook page.

I have 2 kids each with a different special need, they are hard hard hard to raise. Love them, they are draining and sometimes I just want to cry and feel sorry for myself for having such difficult kids. Sometimes I think friends would faint if they had to deal with some of the things I've had to on a regular basis.

Reading the facebook page makes me feel not so alone.

Despite it all, I don't regret having them for a second, I would still do it all over again, though I don't judge others for admitting they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

Oh, come on! My kids are super emotionally draining, but it's not because they are needy or sensitive. It's because kids are super emotionally draining. Full stop. It hits some parents harder than others (News flash: people are different!). You realize this person just told us that what her mother told her was incredibly painful for her and you basically doubled-down on it? I hope you are kinder to yourself and to others in person, because on the internet you suck.

Um no. Reading comprehension is your friend. PP's mother was honest with her about kids being emotionally draining. You just admitted yours are too. Does that mean you don't love your kids even if at times you might wish you didn't have them at that moment? Because if so then you are just as bad as PP's mother. BUT I suspect that's not really what you meant when you said that and neither did PP's mom. However, PP is carrying on about being traumatized by this statement which is an extreme reaction to a very honest, self-aware feeling that her mother had, and apparently one that many others, such as yourself, also share.

PP is also being self-aware and honest and expressing her honest feeling about being told raising her was difficult, and you are not giving her the same level of understanding that you do her mother for expressing her feelings of trauma at being a mother. Many people share PP's feelings of trauma at being told by their parents they were not wanted, or were difficult, or that their parents would have made a different choice if they could do it over again. Yet that doesn't seem to be good enough for you to acknowledge her feelings as legitimate, even while you allow that her mother's feelings are legitimate in part because others share them.

Pot meet kettle.

PP with the mom who called me "emotionally draining" here. It isn't just that one comment.

When I was in my mid-20s, my mom told me, "You have been so difficult that I can't give you emotional support or comfort anymore." Maybe I really had been that difficult, but I'm struggling to figure out how. I did well in school, never got in trouble, graduated with honors from college, went to grad school, got a job. Heck, I went to boarding school for high school and spent summers away from home, so I didn't even live at home full-time after I was 14 years old.

I did lean on my mom for help when I was stressed about things, but I think a lot of people do that.

Now, when she comes to visit, there's always something to criticize. Our house is too cold, our pantry isn't well-organized, we don't use the right type of sponges in our sink, etc. etc. etc.

It's just never-ending.

[Anonymous]

pp, sometimes parents just suck.

[Anonymous]

I’m a really good mother and I have never loved anyone as much as I love my son. But I regret having him nearly every day. His dad is a very different person than I believed before we were married; he did a great job of concealing his true self. And since Trump has become President, he has felt much more empowered to be the sexist, racist POs I never knew he was. I feel like a fool. I am a fool. And at this point, not only am I not in a healthy marriage, I frankly wouldn’t even be Facebook friends with my husband if we didn’t share a child. I feel utterly trapped. On top of all that, my DH has substance abuse and anger issues, and he is vindictive when he thinks someone is imhis enemy, which divorce would immediately do. No matter what path I choose, I have created a child into a very, very unhappy situation.-!: he is going to suffer from it. Worst case scaneio, he may turn out like his dad. Best case, he will see two parents in a terrible relationship or terrible divorce, but he will come through it with empathy and kindness and sensitivity. But I am so, so sorry to have created a person with such a father and such an unhappy marriage.

[Anonymous]

No. The toddler years were hard, but at 12, DH is good to go. He wants, food, money, bed, shower, internet, school. Easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, NEVER tell your kid you might not have had him/her, if you had known how difficult it is.

My mom has repeatedly told me, "I love you and your sister so much, but if I had known how emotionally draining raising children is, I don't know if I would have done it."

Mind you, my sister and I were relatively easy kids--we did well in school, neither of us has special needs of any kind, we didn't do drugs/smoke/have sex or even skip class--and we're both married to nice guys and have professional careers.

I'm sure you can imagine the number that has done to me, so please--just don't share your thoughts with your kid.

I think it’s sad that you can’t appreciate your mother’s honesty and insight. I was a surprise pregnancy for my parents and there is no way in hell they would have chosen to have me, but I know they love me. I’m not hung up about the fact that they would have made a different choice, if they’d had a choice. It’s not a reflection on me—it’s just a reflection of the fact that raising kids is damn hard and not something you should really do unless you’re well set up for it. Really, I think more people should be more honest about this. Your mother was trying to make sure your eyes were open and tell you it’s okah to choose not to go down that road.

My MIL who is an awful person and was an awful mother, gushes no end about how being a mother is the most important thing and of course it’s the best thing she’s done. She has no insight or self-awareness at all.

My mom has made it abundantly clear that "I only ever got pregnant when I wanted to." My sister and I were 100% planned.

There's a difference between saying "it's ok to not want to have kids" and to say "you and your sister were so emotionally draining that I might not have had kids if I had to do it over again." It has led to me constantly wondering what made me so emotionally draining. It has led to me constantly striving for my mother's acceptance and approval, even though I know I will never really get it.

It has been horribly painful.

Ok I think you're being a bit dramatic here. Sounds like you ARE emotionally draining because you're so needy and sensitive.

I'm just being honest. It's a pretty dramatic situation.

So opt out, PP. You're choosing to do this dance with her.

Dance? What dance?

She baits you and you respond by "constantly striving" for her acceptance and approval though you know you'll never get it. Unless you enjoy the drama of this dramatic situation, why do you put up with it?

I don't know. My daughter loves her, so I don't want to cut her out of my life. I tried severely limiting contact right after she berated my then-fiancé (now husband) for 2 hours the first time she met him, but that led to her calling me constantly to tell me how awful I was being. She finally came down to DC and basically forced me to meet with her.

Enabler. Stop engaging and stop complaining. Take control of your life. Take responsibility instead of blaming her. CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY, DUMMY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you regret having children, then you are a miserable, self-centered excuse for a human being, and very obviously a crappy parent.

This is not true and I say this as someone who loves being a parent and if Would have loved to have had more .
Just like you can hate your job, be great at it and love the people you work with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never regret it, but nobody warns you about the teenage years. They can be awful. I have one of each. DD is off the grid bad and DS is the opposite.

I’m guessing this has to do with you’re labeling them/pigeon holing them into certain roles. Your DD almost certainly knows that you see her as the “bad” one & feels like she might as well live up to that label — especially since she can never be as “good” as her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. The toddler years were hard, but at 12, DH is good to go. He wants, food, money, bed, shower, internet, school. Easy.

You mean DS right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had known how hard it was going to be and how much of my life would have been affected, I may have made a different choice. Once they are here, there is no going back.

I am grateful that my mother was pretty clear with me on this. Yes, it was also hard knowing she regretted having kids, but it saved me from making the same mistake. Her words were basically 'think long and hard before you do it, because there's no way out for the rest of your life'. I am a content DINK with a fun, meaningful life, and I get to be honorary aunt to my friends' children.

Sorry but you are probably 32. Some day you will long for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets! I’m more proud of the wonderful young adults we’ve raised than anything else we’ve ever accomplished. They are all married and parents themselves and I really enjoy when they ask me for advice on parenting, investing etc. and OMG do I ever adore my grandchildren. For part of the year we all live less then an hour apart and it’s a perfect day for me when we are all together.

I do feel very sad for those who regret having children and I feel sorry for their children.

It’s a good thing that you are close to your adult children because I very much doubt that you have any close friends or are still close to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I had known how hard it was going to be and how much of my life would have been affected, I may have made a different choice. Once they are here, there is no going back.

I am grateful that my mother was pretty clear with me on this. Yes, it was also hard knowing she regretted having kids, but it saved me from making the same mistake. Her words were basically 'think long and hard before you do it, because there's no way out for the rest of your life'. I am a content DINK with a fun, meaningful life, and I get to be honorary aunt to my friends' children.

Sorry but you are probably 32. Some day you will long for kids.

Why do you assume that everyone wants/will eventually want what you do/did??? I am 40, don’t want kids, & never have.

I have a pet Pygmy goat, wanted one for years, has never once regretted getting one. Do you want a goat? If the answer is no, you just think you don’t want one. There is no way you can live a happy, full life goatless, you are just too young to realize this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I will raise my hand, and hang my head in shame.

I suspect most people here either have kids who have launched, and thus have some more distance, or, as some previous poster, have very young kids.

I have a tween and a teen, and if you had asked me even two years ago, I would have said that my kids are amazing, that I love them more than my own life, and that I couldn't imagine my life without them. The first two of those statements still hold true, but over the past year I have been longingly daydreaming about the day when they are finally out of the house.

They both have some mild special needs, and the hormones are not helping, but they are both difficult, rude, argumentative, stubborn and dare I say lazy. We have spent countless hours and $ on various therapies for both, we put every support imaginable in place to help them, we spent a lot of time exposing them to every possible beneficial EC but let them chose their own path and interests in which we have been unfailingly supportive. Yet, they barely get by academically, are selfish and inconsiderate of the effort that it takes to keep our household running and meeting their every need, and take little to no responsibility for their own failings - everything is always someone else's fault.

I am sure that we as parents are partially to blame for this, but I am not sure what else we could have done. I have read many parenting books, taken classes, I am in therapy myself for the anxiety that keeps mounting because I worry so much about my children. We support them academically, help with homework, remind about projects, instrument practice, take them to playdates, drive them to and from their chosen sports, make sure they have enough downtime, spend enough time outdoors, provide healthy meals, travel to both fun and educational places, and yet, none of it seems to make any difference.

I fervently hope that this is just a stage, and that my smart, funny, sunny kids will eventually return to us, but right now I am dejected and almost dreading walking through the door each afternoon, only to be faced with a new drama, or some other way that I have allegedly failed them. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. So maybe you just caught me at a bad time, but if you are asking me today whether I regret having children, the answer is "yes, absolutely".

There, flame away.

(Hugs) I don't have a lot of advice to give, as I only have a 2yo and one on the way. I don't know if this will help, but my MIL talks a lot about how difficult my H was as a teenager. Constant fighting, drugs and alcohol, etc. The entire family was in therapy because of him, according to her. I find these stories SHOCKING because H now is the most incredible person I know. He's smart, gentle, hard working, a complete equal to me in our household, and obsessed with our daughter. He has a top 5 MBA and well paying job that he loves. I am not saying all this to randomly brag about my H but to say that your post sounded a lot to me like how MIL talks about his teen years, and now it's clear he is a joy in her life (as is our kid). I hope you have a similar light at the end of your tunnel. You sound like a great mom and your kids are lucky to have you. And they will leave eventually one way or another