Would you date a man previously married to a man?

[Anonymous]

Hell no

[Anonymous]

He needs a lot more therapy to work out who he really is before he can commit to any man OR a woman. I would pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not gay or bi. Married because the guy made him feel special and wanted. This is in the context of a difficult childhood. Thought he was in love because of that. He was 19/20 at the time. Marriage lasted 4 years. He had one previous relationship with a man that was transactional and lasted 3 years. No other relationships with men.! Has been divorced nearly 6 years. Has been to therapy. Has been dating the last 3 years exclusively women. Would you hesitate?

He was in relationships with men for 7 years, and you are claiming he isn't gay or bi? Umm . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on, OP. My 17 year old son is gay. We have lots of very close gay friends. Every single one of them would tell you this is a bad idea. Straight men do not marry gay men and have sex with them for four years. The guy may be struggling. But he is definitely gay.

Or bi. A lot of men feel some homosexual attraction but prefer women. Of course, actually being married to a man is pretty clear sign that he isn’t straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs a lot more therapy to work out who he really is before he can commit to any man OR a woman. I would pass.

+1

I agree with the therapy part. Maybe you can just be his friend for now. It honestly sounds like he needs a good friend more than anything.

[Anonymous]

This such a sad story. And it's sad that everyone is saying just to not date him. He may be a great person, although he's obviously led a really sad, troubled life.

1. I would absolutely assume that he was sexually abused as a child. Probably repeatedly, very likely by multiple people.

2. He might be bi, but I don't think that's a given. There are boys who are sex trafficked who have sex with men because they are forced to -- that doesn't mean they are bi. And there are lots of women who sleep with (or marry) men they aren't attracted to in order to have financial or other security. Most straight American men wouldn't do that, but for a kid that grew up raped by men, he might not have the same psychological barrier to sex with men. (Like girls who are sexually abused as minors seek out similarly abusive relationships as young adults -- it's likely what he knows and grew up with, so it may be "normal" to him, or was at that point in his life.)

3. You need to assume that he has major ongoing psychological trauma. That doesn't mean you shouldn't date him, but just have your eyes open. I'd be somewhat concerned about why he's not in therapy any more. It may be that he takes breaks, and then goes back, and that's fine, but I'd want to make sure he's realistic about the help he needs and what his triggers are.

4. He has a very high risk for STDs, and you should be really careful about that. You may want to ask for an HIV test, and definitely be consistent about using condoms.

You don't say anything about yourself, but you need to think about your own situation. For instance, if you have a young child, this relationship is probably not the one for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This such a sad story. And it's sad that everyone is saying just to not date him. He may be a great person, although he's obviously led a really sad, troubled life.

1. I would absolutely assume that he was sexually abused as a child. Probably repeatedly, very likely by multiple people.

2. He might be bi, but I don't think that's a given. There are boys who are sex trafficked who have sex with men because they are forced to -- that doesn't mean they are bi. And there are lots of women who sleep with (or marry) men they aren't attracted to in order to have financial or other security. Most straight American men wouldn't do that, but for a kid that grew up raped by men, he might not have the same psychological barrier to sex with men. (Like girls who are sexually abused as minors seek out similarly abusive relationships as young adults -- it's likely what he knows and grew up with, so it may be "normal" to him, or was at that point in his life.)

3. You need to assume that he has major ongoing psychological trauma. That doesn't mean you shouldn't date him, but just have your eyes open. I'd be somewhat concerned about why he's not in therapy any more. It may be that he takes breaks, and then goes back, and that's fine, but I'd want to make sure he's realistic about the help he needs and what his triggers are.

4. He has a very high risk for STDs, and you should be really careful about that. You may want to ask for an HIV test, and definitely be consistent about using condoms.

You don't say anything about yourself, but you need to think about your own situation. For instance, if you have a young child, this relationship is probably not the one for you.

Why would you assume a gay person was sexually abused?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This such a sad story. And it's sad that everyone is saying just to not date him. He may be a great person, although he's obviously led a really sad, troubled life.

1. I would absolutely assume that he was sexually abused as a child. Probably repeatedly, very likely by multiple people.

2. He might be bi, but I don't think that's a given. There are boys who are sex trafficked who have sex with men because they are forced to -- that doesn't mean they are bi. And there are lots of women who sleep with (or marry) men they aren't attracted to in order to have financial or other security. Most straight American men wouldn't do that, but for a kid that grew up raped by men, he might not have the same psychological barrier to sex with men. (Like girls who are sexually abused as minors seek out similarly abusive relationships as young adults -- it's likely what he knows and grew up with, so it may be "normal" to him, or was at that point in his life.)

3. You need to assume that he has major ongoing psychological trauma. That doesn't mean you shouldn't date him, but just have your eyes open. I'd be somewhat concerned about why he's not in therapy any more. It may be that he takes breaks, and then goes back, and that's fine, but I'd want to make sure he's realistic about the help he needs and what his triggers are.

4. He has a very high risk for STDs, and you should be really careful about that. You may want to ask for an HIV test, and definitely be consistent about using condoms.

You don't say anything about yourself, but you need to think about your own situation. For instance, if you have a young child, this relationship is probably not the one for you.

Why would you assume a gay person was sexually abused?

NP here. What are you talking about? How in the world did you get to that pp was assuming gay people were sexually abused? PP even implied that he might not even be gay.

[Anonymous]

Don’t date him. He’s gay or bi. Are you that desperate? You can be friends, have fun, etc but he has sex with men and married one when he was 19 which means he thinks he was gay at 19. This goes way beyond sexual experimentation. He’s gay. He may decide he doesn’t want to be gay but he is.

[Anonymous]

No one is gay at 19 and is not gay at thirty unless they are lying to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Has he f’ed you yet? Can he F you?

[Anonymous]

Wouldn't date a woman who waspreviously married to a woman so nahhh.

[Anonymous]

Uhhhhhh

[Anonymous]

OP you take the cake for the dumbest woman to post on DCUM the last quarter of 2018. He is gay. Or worse so co fused and screwed up mentally he is a disaster. I can’t believe you even have to ask this question. For the love of god, this man probably needs residential mental health treatment.

[Anonymous]

Im curious as to why everyone says not to date/marry someone who is bi? I totally understand why OP shouldn't date him if he's gay, but bi? Seems a bit restrictive. Bi does mean that he can fall in love with someone (and stay monogamous) regardless of gender.