Would you date a man previously married to a man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine being attracted to a man who’s been voluntarily sodomized. I could never take him seriously as a man.

Posts like this is why I don’t buy into hate is dying out. People like this are raising the next generation of ignorance.

How is it hateful to be repelled by a man having receptive anal sex? Some people are repelled by some sex acts. That’s their right.

Hate is not dying out, especially on anonymous forum and that troll above is one of many examples.

[Anonymous]

Nope. I'd be friends with him, but would assume at the very least he is bisexual. If you are ok with that, fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would guess that he was sexually abused as a child leading to him being very confused about his sexual identity for awhile. If that was the case and it took him time and therapy to deal with the abuse and figure out who he is, then I would proceed very cautiously - I wouldn''t write him off right away.

If he wasn't abused and was just angsty and unsure of himself then it would be a hard no. I would assume he was bi.

I don’t know if there was childhood abuse, and I don’t feel it’s my place to ask. What he has shared is that he was bounced between family members from 2-6 and then he was in foster care until he was 15. He ran away from his group home and met the first guy he was in a relationship with. I do know his husband was physically abusive.

This is sad. He had a painful start to life. Good for him for being aware and open about his past. I could not do it - I would suspect that there are too many other issues he ma my not have yet uncovered.

I also suspect you may have a savior complex by considering this relationship given all the risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in your background, OP. People who lack the judgment to bypass situations that everyone can see will end disastrously are often themselves deeply damaged. What happened to you to injure your sense of self-preservation and make you willing to sacrifice yourself to obviously harmful situations?

This. 1000 times again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This such a sad story. And it's sad that everyone is saying just to not date him. He may be a great person, although he's obviously led a really sad, troubled life.

1. I would absolutely assume that he was sexually abused as a child. Probably repeatedly, very likely by multiple people.

2. He might be bi, but I don't think that's a given. There are boys who are sex trafficked who have sex with men because they are forced to -- that doesn't mean they are bi. And there are lots of women who sleep with (or marry) men they aren't attracted to in order to have financial or other security. Most straight American men wouldn't do that, but for a kid that grew up raped by men, he might not have the same psychological barrier to sex with men. (Like girls who are sexually abused as minors seek out similarly abusive relationships as young adults -- it's likely what he knows and grew up with, so it may be "normal" to him, or was at that point in his life.)

3. You need to assume that he has major ongoing psychological trauma. That doesn't mean you shouldn't date him, but just have your eyes open. I'd be somewhat concerned about why he's not in therapy any more. It may be that he takes breaks, and then goes back, and that's fine, but I'd want to make sure he's realistic about the help he needs and what his triggers are.

4. He has a very high risk for STDs, and you should be really careful about that. You may want to ask for an HIV test, and definitely be consistent about using condoms.

You don't say anything about yourself, but you need to think about your own situation. For instance, if you have a young child, this relationship is probably not the one for you.

Why would you assume a gay person was sexually abused?

NP here. What are you talking about? How in the world did you get to that pp was assuming gay people were sexually abused? PP even implied that he might not even be gay.

+ 1. Plus, OP said that he ran away from foster care as a teen. There is a lot of sexual abuse in the foster care system. Then he went and married an abusive man at 19, still a child, 48 months later. I worry he never truly found himself.. I don’t know how old the guy is, but that is a lot to unpack. How soon into the relationship did he share this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. He is damaged. He has psychological issues.

People say that homophobia is fake, but it’s really not. And, as long as he does feel attracted to women, it’s fine.

Biphobia is more prevalent and socially acceptable

-monogamous Bisexual

Agree. What gives me pause here is that it sounds like this guy is denying he is bi. I'm pretty skeptical this guy isn't bi. If he is not comfortable with who he is, I would be very careful about getting involved with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. He is damaged. He has psychological issues.

People say that homophobia is fake, but it’s really not. And, as long as he does feel attracted to women, it’s fine.

Biphobia is more prevalent and socially acceptable

-monogamous Bisexual

Agree. What gives me pause here is that it sounds like this guy is denying he is bi. I'm pretty skeptical this guy isn't bi. If he is not comfortable with who he is, I would be very careful about getting involved with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This such a sad story. And it's sad that everyone is saying just to not date him. He may be a great person, although he's obviously led a really sad, troubled life.

1. I would absolutely assume that he was sexually abused as a child. Probably repeatedly, very likely by multiple people.

2. He might be bi, but I don't think that's a given. There are boys who are sex trafficked who have sex with men because they are forced to -- that doesn't mean they are bi. And there are lots of women who sleep with (or marry) men they aren't attracted to in order to have financial or other security. Most straight American men wouldn't do that, but for a kid that grew up raped by men, he might not have the same psychological barrier to sex with men. (Like girls who are sexually abused as minors seek out similarly abusive relationships as young adults -- it's likely what he knows and grew up with, so it may be "normal" to him, or was at that point in his life.)

3. You need to assume that he has major ongoing psychological trauma. That doesn't mean you shouldn't date him, but just have your eyes open. I'd be somewhat concerned about why he's not in therapy any more. It may be that he takes breaks, and then goes back, and that's fine, but I'd want to make sure he's realistic about the help he needs and what his triggers are.

4. He has a very high risk for STDs, and you should be really careful about that. You may want to ask for an HIV test, and definitely be consistent about using condoms.

You don't say anything about yourself, but you need to think about your own situation. For instance, if you have a young child, this relationship is probably not the one for you.

Why would you assume a gay person was sexually abused?

The PP’s post is the best in the thread. Did you see OP said the potential husband was “bounced around family members for 4 years” and in foster care for almost 10 years? It’s an awful reality but I would feel certain a scenario like that included some sexual abuse and OP should proceed with caution

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. He is damaged. He has psychological issues.

People say that homophobia is fake, but it’s really not. And, as long as he does feel attracted to women, it’s fine.

Biphobia is more prevalent and socially acceptable

-monogamous Bisexual

Agree. What gives me pause here is that it sounds like this guy is denying he is bi. I'm pretty skeptical this guy isn't bi. If he is not comfortable with who he is, I would be very careful about getting involved with him.

Oh I am PP the Bi chick and i agree not to be with this guy b.c he hasn't worked through his Issues. But not b.c of his orientation.

Sadly a friend of mine married a guy who had been molested as a kid. He cheated on her with a bunch of guys. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely never would marry him.
The guy is a fool blown gay. I don't know why he fights his nature.

[Anonymous]

Maybe— if you’re really open-minded and open to the possibility that he may one day realize he’s actually gay, or bi.
The bigger issue is that it sounds like he’s been through terrible trauma. I would take it very slow because of that. You don’t know how his wounds could affect your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in your background, OP. People who lack the judgment to bypass situations that everyone can see will end disastrously are often themselves deeply damaged. What happened to you to injure your sense of self-preservation and make you willing to sacrifice yourself to obviously harmful situations?

This. 1000 times again.

+1.

The question isn't whether we would, OP the question is why YOU would. You don't have a healthy sense of safety and that comes from somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in your background, OP. People who lack the judgment to bypass situations that everyone can see will end disastrously are often themselves deeply damaged. What happened to you to injure your sense of self-preservation and make you willing to sacrifice yourself to obviously harmful situations?

This. 1000 times again.

+1.

The question isn't whether we would, OP the question is why YOU would. You don't have a healthy sense of safety and that comes from somewhere.

[Anonymous]

I might consider it if he were bi and the previous marriage was a healthy relationship. What you’ve described is an emotional dumpster fire, which includes the fact that he may be deeply confused about his sexuality (and clearly struggles with how to have healthy relationships).

You can see the best in him and care about him without being romantically involved with him. I would go that route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This such a sad story. And it's sad that everyone is saying just to not date him. He may be a great person, although he's obviously led a really sad, troubled life.

1. I would absolutely assume that he was sexually abused as a child. Probably repeatedly, very likely by multiple people.

2. He might be bi, but I don't think that's a given. There are boys who are sex trafficked who have sex with men because they are forced to -- that doesn't mean they are bi. And there are lots of women who sleep with (or marry) men they aren't attracted to in order to have financial or other security. Most straight American men wouldn't do that, but for a kid that grew up raped by men, he might not have the same psychological barrier to sex with men. (Like girls who are sexually abused as minors seek out similarly abusive relationships as young adults -- it's likely what he knows and grew up with, so it may be "normal" to him, or was at that point in his life.)

3. You need to assume that he has major ongoing psychological trauma. That doesn't mean you shouldn't date him, but just have your eyes open. I'd be somewhat concerned about why he's not in therapy any more. It may be that he takes breaks, and then goes back, and that's fine, but I'd want to make sure he's realistic about the help he needs and what his triggers are.

4. He has a very high risk for STDs, and you should be really careful about that. You may want to ask for an HIV test, and definitely be consistent about using condoms.

You don't say anything about yourself, but you need to think about your own situation. For instance, if you have a young child, this relationship is probably not the one for you.

Good post. Becoming habituated to sex with men through abuse and survival / transactional sex is not the same as being gay.