I feel like a burden and I'm exhausted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

PP, sorry, but IMO your post comes off as blame-casting — the problem isn’t the disability it’s the disabled person’s refusal to believe they can and to work hard at achieving. You turn disability into laziness.

Not every disabled or SN person should have to be a silent hero to be deemed “succesful” or to participate to their fullest in society. Count me on #TeamSpeakUp when it comes to coping with disability (or any other life challenge). The fact that disabled people have spoken up for their needs has enriched all our lives (Hello Siri and Audiobooks....to name just a few things).

I think you have this view of your Dad because a lot of parents believe that speaking about their disability to their kids is placing a kind of burden on them that is inappropriate for their years. A more mature view of your Dad might be - sure he had limitations but he was lucky there were still a lot of things he could still do and he worked hard to push those boundaries.

Also, please give your Mom credit - often men can be hero disabled because they have women who are helping them compensate. Since men are not so culturally trained/pressured to be caretakers, it’s not as common that disabled women get a similar level of support from their male partners.

Man here & I absolutely agree.

Here's my perspective...

Obviously, there are honorable men out there who would offer the level of love, support & care for a partner that someone with a disability would need. However... in my opinion, these men are usually few and far between and the extenuating circumstances will usually be the defining factor.

I'm my opinion, the vast majority of men who WOULD be with someone who's disabled fall into 2 categories;

1) They are already in a serious relationship with or married to the women.

Or

2) The woman was NT for the greater part of their relationship & now for whatever the circumstances (ie; new degenerative diagnosis, debilitating accident, etc) the man must instantly step into the role of permanent caretaker (doing so either out of love, duty, necessity or obligation).

The common denominator in both of these examples, is that the men were already in some form of relationship/friendship with the woman PRIOR to the disability occurring.
They already have feelings for her.

You've heard "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" right?
For the most part we are different in every way.

For instance, women are usually emotionally driven creatures (obviously, not all), and are such natural & dedicated caretakers. It's also why you wouldnt let a disability the sole determining factor in whether to become involved with someone who's disabled or not.

Men are very different, we're highly logical creatures (aka hard headed and black & white).
Where a woman may not hesitate to care for a man she barely knows, especially if she sees potential in the future of the relationship, men will ALWAYS do the exact opposite.

As soon as a man realizes that his new possible love interest "could be" or "definitely are" disabled, he'll immediately slam on the brakes so hard you'll get whiplash.
This is done in an attempt to analyze a few denominators, such as his potential feelings/attraction for the woman, what kind of potential a future relationship with her may have & how this disability may hurt or destroy said future relationship.

Sadly, if a woman is already disabled when a man meets her, he is naturally going to begin to contemplate what his role may become in the future... especially if her disability is degenerative. The thought of this relationship becoming a burden will scare most men away almost instantly, and for those who may choose to pursue a relationship anyway? Well... unfortunately, his friends & family will most likely talk him out of pursuing the relationship.
I get a gross feeling just thinking about it.

I'm really very sorry OP - I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I wanted to be honest with you & try to provide you with some much needed insight into why we can be such d!cks.

* Apologies in advance for any typos.
I just finished an 18 hour rotation & the screen looks a little blurry, lol.

I am shook.
This pp hit the nail directly on the head, unfortunately.

Damn it men, why can't you expand your horizons a little?
Take a chance on what sounds like a great girl!

OP, can you give us a hint as to your disability?
It would greatly help us help you, but I understand if you'd prefer not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

Op here, I agree men don't seem to be sympathetic towards disabilities like women are

Male here - I was born with a very obvious disability and dating was very challenging for me and very frustrating as it is for OP. What I learned was that I needed to be friends with someone for a pretty long time before any dating interest became apparent. There was no spontaneous combustion! I was good friends with my wife for three years before we ever dated. I can't speak for her but I assume she eventually saw past my disability because I was a nice guy.

Also a male and I had the same experience. Since it was well before on line dating I'd meet someone personally. We'd be hitting it off and then when she saw me walking things would often cool off. It was pretty darn frustrating to say the least. But once I was dating someone I never felt my disability was getting in the way. If people were going to do something like going skating I'd simply say I couldn't and my dates were always fine with it. But as pp said, before I ever dated someone I knew them pretty well and so the disability issue was no longer front and center. My only thought for OP is to, if possible, try to get to know someone as a friend before you start to date.

[Anonymous]

For instance, women are usually emotionally driven creatures (obviously, not all), and are such natural & dedicated caretakers.

Men are very different, we're highly logical creatures (aka hard headed and black & white).

Such is the mythos, but I have found reality to be the opposite. Men, emotionally driven, women, hard-headed and cold.

Where a woman may not hesitate to care for a man she barely knows,

And then you have many millions of examples of women who stop caring for men they've known for many years, and dump them without a second thought.

Sadly, if a woman is already disabled when a man meets her, he is naturally going to begin to contemplate what his role may become in the future... especially if her disability is degenerative. The thought of this relationship becoming a burden will scare most men away almost instantly, and for those who may choose to pursue a relationship anyway? Well... unfortunately, his friends & family will most likely talk him out of pursuing the relationship.

The chances are 99% that a woman would do the exact same thing. Women expect men to provide resources; if he is disabled, and thus an inferior provider and a net consumer of resources, she won't be interested. And her friends & family will support her. I bet we can even find some DCUM threads where the female OP asks if she should date a disabled guy and the answer is a resounding "heck, no!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For instance, women are usually emotionally driven creatures (obviously, not all), and are such natural & dedicated caretakers.

Men are very different, we're highly logical creatures (aka hard headed and black & white).

Such is the mythos, but I have found reality to be the opposite. Men, emotionally driven, women, hard-headed and cold.

Where a woman may not hesitate to care for a man she barely knows,

And then you have many millions of examples of women who stop caring for men they've known for many years, and dump them without a second thought.

Sadly, if a woman is already disabled when a man meets her, he is naturally going to begin to contemplate what his role may become in the future... especially if her disability is degenerative. The thought of this relationship becoming a burden will scare most men away almost instantly, and for those who may choose to pursue a relationship anyway? Well... unfortunately, his friends & family will most likely talk him out of pursuing the relationship.

The chances are 99% that a woman would do the exact same thing. Women expect men to provide resources; if he is disabled, and thus an inferior provider and a net consumer of resources, she won't be interested. And her friends & family will support her. I bet we can even find some DCUM threads where the female OP asks if she should date a disabled guy and the answer is a resounding "heck, no!"

Sorry, I'm a male and I disagree. In general women are naturally more nurturing and I don't know if it's in their DNA or through watching their mothers. I was born with a disability and I had a tough time dating but if I had been born a female I think it would have been awful. Yes, I might have gotten lucky but if a woman had what I was born with it would have been very difficult for me to look past it.

[Anonymous]

Become a lesbian. Problem solved. You will find a caregiver.

[Anonymous]

The dude who got mad about paying for extra parking just sounds cheap. Dodged a bullet with that one for sure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

For instance, women are usually emotionally driven creatures (obviously, not all), and are such natural & dedicated caretakers.

Men are very different, we're highly logical creatures (aka hard headed and black & white).

Such is the mythos, but I have found reality to be the opposite. Men, emotionally driven, women, hard-headed and cold.

Where a woman may not hesitate to care for a man she barely knows,

And then you have many millions of examples of women who stop caring for men they've known for many years, and dump them without a second thought.

Sadly, if a woman is already disabled when a man meets her, he is naturally going to begin to contemplate what his role may become in the future... especially if her disability is degenerative. The thought of this relationship becoming a burden will scare most men away almost instantly, and for those who may choose to pursue a relationship anyway? Well... unfortunately, his friends & family will most likely talk him out of pursuing the relationship.

The chances are 99% that a woman would do the exact same thing. Women expect men to provide resources; if he is disabled, and thus an inferior provider and a net consumer of resources, she won't be interested. And her friends & family will support her. I bet we can even find some DCUM threads where the female OP asks if she should date a disabled guy and the answer is a resounding "heck, no!"

Sorry, I'm a male and I disagree. In general women are naturally more nurturing and I don't know if it's in their DNA or through watching their mothers. I was born with a disability and I had a tough time dating but if I had been born a female I think it would have been awful. Yes, I might have gotten lucky but if a woman had what I was born with it would have been very difficult for me to look past it.

I'm a male and I disagree with you. You're just remembering all the times your mommy wiped your nose and tied your shoes. How often do you get any nurturing from a wife or girlfriend? My experience is that women despise and mock (" big babies! ") sick, weak, or injured men, they do not feel any urge to nurture them. Women are not more likely to marry someone disabled than are men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

For instance, women are usually emotionally driven creatures (obviously, not all), and are such natural & dedicated caretakers.

Men are very different, we're highly logical creatures (aka hard headed and black & white).

Such is the mythos, but I have found reality to be the opposite. Men, emotionally driven, women, hard-headed and cold.

Where a woman may not hesitate to care for a man she barely knows,

And then you have many millions of examples of women who stop caring for men they've known for many years, and dump them without a second thought.

Sadly, if a woman is already disabled when a man meets her, he is naturally going to begin to contemplate what his role may become in the future... especially if her disability is degenerative. The thought of this relationship becoming a burden will scare most men away almost instantly, and for those who may choose to pursue a relationship anyway? Well... unfortunately, his friends & family will most likely talk him out of pursuing the relationship.

The chances are 99% that a woman would do the exact same thing. Women expect men to provide resources; if he is disabled, and thus an inferior provider and a net consumer of resources, she won't be interested. And her friends & family will support her. I bet we can even find some DCUM threads where the female OP asks if she should date a disabled guy and the answer is a resounding "heck, no!"

Sorry, I'm a male and I disagree. In general women are naturally more nurturing and I don't know if it's in their DNA or through watching their mothers. I was born with a disability and I had a tough time dating but if I had been born a female I think it would have been awful. Yes, I might have gotten lucky but if a woman had what I was born with it would have been very difficult for me to look past it.

I'm a male and I disagree with you. You're just remembering all the times your mommy wiped your nose and tied your shoes. How often do you get any nurturing from a wife or girlfriend? My experience is that women despise and mock (" big babies! ") sick, weak, or injured men, they do not feel any urge to nurture them. Women are not more likely to marry someone disabled than are men.

Yeah, those women, they never nuture - how often do they grocery shop and make dinner and do the laundry or clreaning? How often do they encourage you to see the doctor and even make the appointment for you? Women never nuture, it’s just the men who take care of life.

[Anonymous]

I also think that a man wouldn't want a disabled woman as a partner because it would look poorly on him, as if he couldn't get an abled partner. I'm not saying that's right but appearances are important to men (think of the trophy wife concept): https://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/08/well/family/dating-with-a-disability.html

[Anonymous]

OP, in a way, your disability is a great way to filter through the jerks and idiots (apparently 90% of the population?), without wasting too much time.

I am a very good looking, petite, blonde, accomplished, non-disabled woman, and it took me 2.5 years of active dating and OVER 150 first dates to find my husband. (That number translated into about 12 second dates, two relationships--one with my now husband, and a third "thing" that lasted a month.)

Dating is just exhausting in general. Don't give up. You will find love.

[Anonymous]

Ok so you may have dated some jerks. But part of the problem may be you. Can you truly not go ice skating either with modifications or just sitting on the sidelines? Relationships take give and take it’s not all about one person even if that person has a disability.

I also suggest you come up with activities you can do and start putting them forth.

[Anonymous]

Coming from a guy, you have not met the right guy just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered dating other men with a disability? Maybe someone in a similar career.

Terrible advice.

No, it certainly isn't they would have situations in common and a good understanding of each other.

[Anonymous]

Become involved in volunteering for charitable organizations that interest you (and that have single adult members). I think a good guy could be found there.