I feel like a burden and I'm exhausted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you are dating online, I have to wonder if you're engaging in some false advertising. I am a woman, but if I read a profile that said "I'm very active and like to dance, ice skate, and hike" I would assume you could actually do those things WITH me, not just be around while I do them. I am a very active person and even having a normally abled but less active partner can be a bit of a bummer. If you are advertising yourself as very active, very active people will eventually get frustrated. You should be clear that you have an active social life and enjoy accompanying people on outings. But a date in which all the other couples are gliding on the ice rink and I am by myself while my date looks on? That's just sad. Find a date that also wants to drink hot chocolate on the sidelines. Hopefully this doesn't seem harsh but you need to be honest about the kind of activities that people can enjoy with you or you will never find love.

I don't mention that I am active per se, but I say that I enjoy Caps games, the Smithsonian, festivals, live music, etc. I also appear to be very athletic(I've always been slender) and my parents were athletes, so I assume I attract those types naturally

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

Op here, I agree men don't seem to be sympathetic towards disabilities like women are

[Anonymous]

Sorry but any dude who is sad about not going ice skating and holds that against you is a loser. Dating sucks and I’m sorry that your experience has you feeling less than the valuable person I’m sure you are.

[Anonymous]

So you can't go ice skating, but you can (and like to) go dancing but are somewhat restricted, and generally don't use a wheelchair?

I can't fathom that 99% of guys would care about these things. If either my DH or I had these issues, i can't even think of a way it would have impacted our 20 year relationship.

Either you are coincidentally just meeting the 5% of guys who are douchebag jerks, or there are other reasons these relationships aren't working. I'm guessing the latter, because the reality is that *many* people date a lot without success. Possibly you are just blaming your normal dating unsuccess on your disability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your condition degenerative? Possibly hereditary? These factors come into play too.

I don't want children, so that's not a concern.

But maybe the guy does?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not a burden, you are a unique and wonderful person. It's understandable that you're exhausted about dealing with the BS from these guys.

Some people have prejudices against people with disabilities, and a lot more people aren't necessarily prejudiced but are ignorant. So, it's going to be harder for you to find your person than it might be for someone else. Bonus, though, is that this will weed out people who are prejudiced or ignorant!

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

Op here, I agree men don't seem to be sympathetic towards disabilities like women are

Wev'e been conditioned as a society to accept that if a man is disabled it's likely to have happened heroically (disabled veterans, for example).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but any dude who is sad about not going ice skating and holds that against you is a loser. Dating sucks and I’m sorry that your experience has you feeling less than the valuable person I’m sure you are.

Plus so many people don't even know how to ice skate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

Op here, I agree men don't seem to be sympathetic towards disabilities like women are

Male here - I was born with a very obvious disability and dating was very challenging for me and very frustrating as it is for OP. What I learned was that I needed to be friends with someone for a pretty long time before any dating interest became apparent. There was no spontaneous combustion! I was good friends with my wife for three years before we ever dated. I can't speak for her but I assume she eventually saw past my disability because I was a nice guy.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to be very clear ahead of time, ahead of any activity. Don't hold back information.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I have progressive ms and feel the same way. No one would know how disabling it is unless they try to spend the whole day with me. I am incapable of keeping up with a male partner who would want to do regular activities with their partner.

I don't date online, but seriously my main goal is just go to bed early when I have a free night - I'm sure some guys would love that lol but I have too much anxiety as a single mom to do that kind of thing.

I am able to solo parent now and focus on that. My DC has always known me with ms and does accommodate it in ways I think another adult would not.

[Anonymous]

OP - be proud of what you have accomplished and be open and honest upfront about any limitations you might have. If someone has a problem with those limitations tough luck on them because he's missing out on someone who is incredibly accomplished.

[Anonymous]

Half the guys I know wouldn't dream of dancing OR ice skating on a date. But a lot of them are also sort of sedentary homebodies by nature, and wouldn't necessarily want to be out and about doing stuff all the time. So you're trying to find that middle ground of guys who want to do stuff but not necessarily physically active stuff.

The problem here is that guys tend not to be natural caregivers, and a disability is a signal that they may have to take care of you. That's a more natural fit for women. But I do know several women with serious disabilities who have managed to find partners.

I don't know if it will make you feel better, but the dating world can be tough for physically typical women too. I have a lot of friends who date a lot and get very frustrated with what's out there. So you might be frustrated for entirely different reasons if you didn't have this problem. Keep it up; try not to get too discouraged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you can't go ice skating, but you can (and like to) go dancing but are somewhat restricted, and generally don't use a wheelchair?

I can't fathom that 99% of guys would care about these things. If either my DH or I had these issues, i can't even think of a way it would have impacted our 20 year relationship.

Either you are coincidentally just meeting the 5% of guys who are douchebag jerks, or there are other reasons these relationships aren't working. I'm guessing the latter, because the reality is that *many* people date a lot without success. Possibly you are just blaming your normal dating unsuccess on your disability.

I find PP’s post a little judgey - sort of implying that people who are unsuccessfully dating are doing something wrong. I think that tbe reality of life is that online dating requires going thru a LOT of dates to find a match. To some extent, I read your self-described dating failure as very typical even for a neuro-typical person. As a mom to an SN kid, I think it’s very hard to identify what parts of social failure are normal, which are due to stigma about disability and which are truly due to disablility. IME, the vast majority is Category I and II, but the disabled person sometimes feels that everything is category III.

Whatever it is, based on your post, YOU clearly feel that your disability makes it harder to get/keep relationships. That makes me wonder if you are tolerating subtle signs of douche-baggery and keeping the DBs around longer than appropriate. Remember, every DB in your orbit is taking up space of someone else who could be a non-douchebag!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

PP, sorry, but IMO your post comes off as blame-casting — the problem isn’t the disability it’s the disabled person’s refusal to believe they can and to work hard at achieving. You turn disability into laziness.

Not every disabled or SN person should have to be a silent hero to be deemed “succesful” or to participate to their fullest in society. Count me on #TeamSpeakUp when it comes to coping with disability (or any other life challenge). The fact that disabled people have spoken up for their needs has enriched all our lives (Hello Siri and Audiobooks....to name just a few things).

I think you have this view of your Dad because a lot of parents believe that speaking about their disability to their kids is placing a kind of burden on them that is inappropriate for their years. A more mature view of your Dad might be - sure he had limitations but he was lucky there were still a lot of things he could still do and he worked hard to push those boundaries.

Also, please give your Mom credit - often men can be hero disabled because they have women who are helping them compensate. Since men are not so culturally trained/pressured to be caretakers, it’s not as common that disabled women get a similar level of support from their male partners.