I feel like a burden and I'm exhausted

[Anonymous]

Have you considered dating other men with a disability? Maybe someone in a similar career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered dating other men with a disability? Maybe someone in a similar career.

Terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

PP, sorry, but IMO your post comes off as blame-casting — the problem isn’t the disability it’s the disabled person’s refusal to believe they can and to work hard at achieving. You turn disability into laziness.

Not every disabled or SN person should have to be a silent hero to be deemed “succesful” or to participate to their fullest in society. Count me on #TeamSpeakUp when it comes to coping with disability (or any other life challenge). The fact that disabled people have spoken up for their needs has enriched all our lives (Hello Siri and Audiobooks....to name just a few things).

I think you have this view of your Dad because a lot of parents believe that speaking about their disability to their kids is placing a kind of burden on them that is inappropriate for their years. A more mature view of your Dad might be - sure he had limitations but he was lucky there were still a lot of things he could still do and he worked hard to push those boundaries.

Also, please give your Mom credit - often men can be hero disabled because they have women who are helping them compensate. Since men are not so culturally trained/pressured to be caretakers, it’s not as common that disabled women get a similar level of support from their male partners.

I think you need to re-read what I wrote especially regarding "having a more mature view". My Dad knew he had limitations but he more than overcome them as I noted. Also, my Dad did talk to us about his disability because we asked him about it. He never shied away from it and it certainly wasn't a burden on us. In fact, a number of years ago he wrote a very long and detailed story of what he went through from birth to the current day at the request of a medical journal. I definitely should give my mother credit because there are many things she thinks of to make it easier for him such as hotels with walk in showers, homes with masters on the first floor, non slip bathroom floors. In no way does she see him as disabled but she is attentive enough to see that at times he can be at risk.

[Anonymous]

To this day I remember the second most beautiful woman I ever seen in real life (DW being number 1)
She was a receptionist at a doctor's office and she was in a wheel chair. I know I wasn't the only guy that thought this because she had a huge engagement ring on her finger.
While it may be difficult the right guy will help make the relationship work. Don't give up hope OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

PP - I think it depends on the disability. In my Dad's case I know he feels very lucky that he was born a boy and that for a girl it would be much tougher.

[Anonymous]

OP - could you have gone on the ice skating trip and sit on the sides cheering the on and joking? If you like to go out, and don't want to miss out, can you adjust a bit?

If my friends were going on a ski trip, I would go and sit in the lodge the entire time because I don't like the cold and would rather be reading. But, I wouldn't want to miss out.

When my mom had cancer, she had to stay out of the sun. She would completely cover up when going out with us and a lot of the time she would sit on the bench and wait for us for a few minutes then move on with us.

Most important - you are not a burden. But, you have to believe that about yourself. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just haven’t met the right guy. Anyone who would give you a hard time about paying extra for parking or any of the accommodations you utilize in order to be as active an independent as possible, is just a chump - period, full stop. Your current guy gets frustrated at the way you dance? Geez, what a shallow dud - not worthy of you at all! The right guy will respect the heck out of you and it won’t be an issue.

+1 - Don't ever feel guilty that you can't skate or do something else because of your disability. If some guy has a problem that you can't skate etc then as PP said they are a chump. I have a disability that limits what I can do but that's life. You have obviously accomplished a ton in your life and should feel great about yourself. Dump the chumps quickly and you will find someone who really cares about you. Be confident, open and honest.

[Anonymous]

pp here - I'm not disabled, so I'm saying that you shouldn't feel that it applies just to you. People who are overweight, pregnant, avoiding sun, injured, introverted, etc. all adjust as necessary.

[Anonymous]

What about looking for organizations for people who share interests in things you have a particular passion for? For instance dancing--there are a lot of things like ballroom dancing clubs, organizations that sponsor swing dance nights or folk dance nights (whatever makes your toes tap).

In the same vein--and I hesitate to bring it up because arguably de facto segregationist--getting involved in disability advocacy organizations (typically non-profit, typically looking for volunteers and board members, often involved in awareness raising or political lobbying events, many times also offer social events for members, also often run by people who do have disabilities).

I think it is probably like meeting people anyway--seems to work best when people connect over things they have in common and then discover an interest in each other. One of the downsides of adulthood is that you have to find your own equivalent of high school band, choir, journalism club, whatever.

[Anonymous]

This is not the first guy to feel this way. My most recent ex(broke up 2 years ago), was upset that it took me longer than normal to navigate a shopping area and that resulted in having to pay more for parking.

If you have a handicapped tag, I'd date you just for the primo parking space. =)

[Anonymous]

Some guy got frustrated with you because you couldn’t go ice skating? You just DADB. Dodged a douche bag.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I missed it, but do the men you’re meeting know in advance that you have physical limitations? Or are you meeting them and THEN telling them and expecting them to be understanding and not thinking it’s a big deal that you can’t do certain things or that you waited to tell them?

[Anonymous]

Those guys were losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.

PP, sorry, but IMO your post comes off as blame-casting — the problem isn’t the disability it’s the disabled person’s refusal to believe they can and to work hard at achieving. You turn disability into laziness.

Not every disabled or SN person should have to be a silent hero to be deemed “succesful” or to participate to their fullest in society. Count me on #TeamSpeakUp when it comes to coping with disability (or any other life challenge). The fact that disabled people have spoken up for their needs has enriched all our lives (Hello Siri and Audiobooks....to name just a few things).

I think you have this view of your Dad because a lot of parents believe that speaking about their disability to their kids is placing a kind of burden on them that is inappropriate for their years. A more mature view of your Dad might be - sure he had limitations but he was lucky there were still a lot of things he could still do and he worked hard to push those boundaries.

Also, please give your Mom credit - often men can be hero disabled because they have women who are helping them compensate. Since men are not so culturally trained/pressured to be caretakers, it’s not as common that disabled women get a similar level of support from their male partners.

Man here & I absolutely agree.

Here's my perspective...

Obviously, there are honorable men out there who would offer the level of love, support & care for a partner that someone with a disability would need. However... in my opinion, these men are usually few and far between and the extenuating circumstances will usually be the defining factor.

I'm my opinion, the vast majority of men who WOULD be with someone who's disabled fall into 2 categories;

1) They are already in a serious relationship with or married to the women.

Or

2) The woman was NT for the greater part of their relationship & now for whatever the circumstances (ie; new degenerative diagnosis, debilitating accident, etc) the man must instantly step into the role of permanent caretaker (doing so either out of love, duty, necessity or obligation).

The common denominator in both of these examples, is that the men were already in some form of relationship/friendship with the woman PRIOR to the disability occurring.
They already have feelings for her.

You've heard "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" right?
For the most part we are different in every way.

For instance, women are usually emotionally driven creatures (obviously, not all), and are such natural & dedicated caretakers. It's also why you wouldnt let a disability the sole determining factor in whether to become involved with someone who's disabled or not.

Men are very different, we're highly logical creatures (aka hard headed and black & white).
Where a woman may not hesitate to care for a man she barely knows, especially if she sees potential in the future of the relationship, men will ALWAYS do the exact opposite.

As soon as a man realizes that his new possible love interest "could be" or "definitely are" disabled, he'll immediately slam on the brakes so hard you'll get whiplash.
This is done in an attempt to analyze a few denominators, such as his potential feelings/attraction for the woman, what kind of potential a future relationship with her may have & how this disability may hurt or destroy said future relationship.

Sadly, if a woman is already disabled when a man meets her, he is naturally going to begin to contemplate what his role may become in the future... especially if her disability is degenerative. The thought of this relationship becoming a burden will scare most men away almost instantly, and for those who may choose to pursue a relationship anyway? Well... unfortunately, his friends & family will most likely talk him out of pursuing the relationship.
I get a gross feeling just thinking about it.

I'm really very sorry OP - I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I wanted to be honest with you & try to provide you with some much needed insight into why we can be such d!cks.

* Apologies in advance for any typos.
I just finished an 18 hour rotation & the screen looks a little blurry, lol.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a friend with similar limitations and she married the sweetest person. Hang in there! The right guy is out there.