I feel like a burden and I'm exhausted

[Anonymous]

For starters this is more so a vent than a question. I'm a single female who's educated, career accomplished, and all that jazz. I've been told that I make a great partner, but here's the kicker, I'm disabled. I'm independent and whatnot, but I can't help but feel like I am holding a partner back and not able to fully meet anyone's needs in a relationship. For example, a group of friends and their SO's went ice skating over the weekend and the guy I'm dating said would be a great date. I explained that I cannot skate at all. So he mentioned that we should go out dancing instead. I love to dance, but when he found out that I am restricted in my movement he became frustrated. This is not the first guy to feel this way. My most recent ex(broke up 2 years ago), was upset that it took me longer than normal to navigate a shopping area and that resulted in having to pay more for parking. I've tried dating guys that were more into staying home and low key activities, but I like going out and having fun. I feel like men who are interested in those activites would mesh well with a woman who has physical restrictions. I very much so want to settle down, but I am having a difficult time finding someone because of this. I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP...do you use a wheelchair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP...do you use a wheelchair?

Not full-time. Mostly when I'll be walking long distances

[Anonymous]

You just haven’t met the right guy. Anyone who would give you a hard time about paying extra for parking or any of the accommodations you utilize in order to be as active an independent as possible, is just a chump - period, full stop. Your current guy gets frustrated at the way you dance? Geez, what a shallow dud - not worthy of you at all! The right guy will respect the heck out of you and it won’t be an issue.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are you meeting these guys? Are you doing online dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you meeting these guys? Are you doing online dating?

I'm an avid online dater. I don't meet many men in person. At least those who are interested in me romantically.

[Anonymous]

My mother has multiple sclerosis and still found someone, so... you can too!
It will just take a little longer.
Your attitude will also count for a lot: don't be apologetic or ashamed, stay cheerful but stick up for your needs.

[Anonymous]

Just curious - how and when in the dating process do you bring up your physical limitations? Is your disability apparent when meeting people for the first time, or are aspects of it a bit “hidden”?

I agree w/ other PPs - any guy who would be frustrated w/ you for not being able to go dancing (especially if he asked about that after you explained about skating) and any guy who is angry about parking fees is a loser. Maybe look at your disability a bit like a superpower to weed out the duds quickly?

Also, IMO, I think you need to re-frame a bit when/how you participate or say no - you may not be able to skate, but you can still hold down a hot chocolate/mulled wine table and be the pucture taker for the group. Skating outside in Georgetown is perfect for this.

Sometimes when you have a disability it helps, instead of saying no, to say, “I can’t do that but I can do this.” I know it’s a bit exhausting to always have that extra burden of figuring out how to fit in, but unfortunately most people won’t understand the parameters of your ability/disability and in real life it is mostly on you to make the suggestions of how you can participate and on the non-disabled people to accept that graciously (which clearly your dates are failing at.)

[Anonymous]

Since you are dating online, I have to wonder if you're engaging in some false advertising. I am a woman, but if I read a profile that said "I'm very active and like to dance, ice skate, and hike" I would assume you could actually do those things WITH me, not just be around while I do them. I am a very active person and even having a normally abled but less active partner can be a bit of a bummer. If you are advertising yourself as very active, very active people will eventually get frustrated. You should be clear that you have an active social life and enjoy accompanying people on outings. But a date in which all the other couples are gliding on the ice rink and I am by myself while my date looks on? That's just sad. Find a date that also wants to drink hot chocolate on the sidelines. Hopefully this doesn't seem harsh but you need to be honest about the kind of activities that people can enjoy with you or you will never find love.

[Anonymous]

My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

[Anonymous]

Is your condition degenerative? Possibly hereditary? These factors come into play too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your condition degenerative? Possibly hereditary? These factors come into play too.

I don't want children, so that's not a concern. And no, I do not have a degenerative disease luckily

[Anonymous]

You have not met the right person. Keep looking OP. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - how and when in the dating process do you bring up your physical limitations? Is your disability apparent when meeting people for the first time, or are aspects of it a bit “hidden”?

I agree w/ other PPs - any guy who would be frustrated w/ you for not being able to go dancing (especially if he asked about that after you explained about skating) and any guy who is angry about parking fees is a loser. Maybe look at your disability a bit like a superpower to weed out the duds quickly?

Also, IMO, I think you need to re-frame a bit when/how you participate or say no - you may not be able to skate, but you can still hold down a hot chocolate/mulled wine table and be the pucture taker for the group. Skating outside in Georgetown is perfect for this.

Sometimes when you have a disability it helps, instead of saying no, to say, “I can’t do that but I can do this.” I know it’s a bit exhausting to always have that extra burden of figuring out how to fit in, but unfortunately most people won’t understand the parameters of your ability/disability and in real life it is mostly on you to make the suggestions of how you can participate and on the non-disabled people to accept that graciously (which clearly your dates are failing at.)

I bring it up on the first date or prior to depending on how the conversation flows. It's not too noticeable, but I definitely bring it up no later than the first date. Thanks for the suggestion in terms of highlighting what I can do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad was born disabled missing a fibula in one leg so his leg is much shorter than the other and with no calf muscle. There are plenty of things he can't do but he's never considered himself to have a disability. He's excelled at a ton of things, including some sports, because he has a nothing is impossible attitude. He would tell you that his disability hasn't been a burden and that having to work hard to deal with it has been good for him. One of the reasons my Mom fell in love with him was because he didn't let it affect him in any way. I'm sure he faced some challenges when he was dating because of his disability but he has never spoken about it. He's been an incredible inspiration to many people I know.

NP...sorry, but you're missing the fact that disability stigma is gendered. If your dad was born female, he probably wouldn't have met a guy like your mom because those guys really don't exist.