Do You Feel That Affairs Are the Ultimate Selfishness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think cheaters want a divorce. I think most want to keep their families. Other cultures see affairs differently. The French, Chinese and Finnish for example. It is not child abuse and it is selfish but often it is the result of the overall dynamic of the partnership. It is also selfish for a woman to have a child when her husband doesn’t want one. A decision that is very impactful. The scenario I see is that people have kids and their relationship and priorities shift, a spouse feels neglected and seeks another relationship.

It's also selfish when a man pressures his wife into a pregnancy she doesn't want--just the same as a wife having a kid when the husband does not want one. Either way, it is manipulative. People always assume only women do this. That is not the case.

I hear you hit women have the choice of the morning after pill or abortion. Men don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think cheaters want a divorce. I think most want to keep their families. Other cultures see affairs differently. The French, Chinese and Finnish for example. It is not child abuse and it is selfish but often it is the result of the overall dynamic of the partnership. It is also selfish for a woman to have a child when her husband doesn’t want one. A decision that is very impactful. The scenario I see is that people have kids and their relationship and priorities shift, a spouse feels neglected and seeks another relationship.

It's also selfish when a man pressures his wife into a pregnancy she doesn't want--just the same as a wife having a kid when the husband does not want one. Either way, it is manipulative. People always assume only women do this. That is not the case.

I hear you hit women have the choice of the morning after pill or abortion. Men don’t.

When you are married, you can't exactly just take a pill or get an abortion (years ago the morning after pill was prescription only and hard to get)...it is not like you are dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think cheaters want a divorce. I think most want to keep their families. Other cultures see affairs differently. The French, Chinese and Finnish for example. It is not child abuse and it is selfish but often it is the result of the overall dynamic of the partnership. It is also selfish for a woman to have a child when her husband doesn’t want one. A decision that is very impactful. The scenario I see is that people have kids and their relationship and priorities shift, a spouse feels neglected and seeks another relationship.

It's also selfish when a man pressures his wife into a pregnancy she doesn't want--just the same as a wife having a kid when the husband does not want one. Either way, it is manipulative. People always assume only women do this. That is not the case.

I hear you hit women have the choice of the morning after pill or abortion. Men don’t.

When you are married, you can't exactly just take a pill or get an abortion (years ago the morning after pill was prescription only and hard to get)...it is not like you are dating.

Yes, you can. No husband permission required.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think cheaters want a divorce. I think most want to keep their families. Other cultures see affairs differently. The French, Chinese and Finnish for example. It is not child abuse and it is selfish but often it is the result of the overall dynamic of the partnership. It is also selfish for a woman to have a child when her husband doesn’t want one. A decision that is very impactful. The scenario I see is that people have kids and their relationship and priorities shift, a spouse feels neglected and seeks another relationship.

It's also selfish when a man pressures his wife into a pregnancy she doesn't want--just the same as a wife having a kid when the husband does not want one. Either way, it is manipulative. People always assume only women do this. That is not the case.

I hear you hit women have the choice of the morning after pill or abortion. Men don’t.

When you are married, you can't exactly just take a pill or get an abortion (years ago the morning after pill was prescription only and hard to get)...it is not like you are dating.

Yes, you can. And I feel sad for married who feel like they can't. You got married. You didn't give up rights to y our body.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.[/quote]


The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.
[/quote]

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.[/quote]

Why can’t the potential cheater say “hey I don’t want to live aa sexless marriage anymore. We need to get a divorce if we can’t have sex.”[/quote]

Why go through that hassle? Unilateral decisions have already been made about intimacy, no need for that to change or needless threats to be made.[/quote]

Unbelievable. A spouse might not have as much sex as before for whatever reason and he or she as tbe non-cheating spouse have tbe same blame as tbe cheating spouse. My wife of over 18 years can just tell me - hey, I need more sex. If there is an issue, we can axdress it and not go get an AP.[/quote]

Did you miss the opening sentence where “the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex”? That is your wife telling you she needs more sex, and you telling her “No”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think cheaters want a divorce. I think most want to keep their families. Other cultures see affairs differently. The French, Chinese and Finnish for example. It is not child abuse and it is selfish but often it is the result of the overall dynamic of the partnership. It is also selfish for a woman to have a child when her husband doesn’t want one. A decision that is very impactful. The scenario I see is that people have kids and their relationship and priorities shift, a spouse feels neglected and seeks another relationship.

It's also selfish when a man pressures his wife into a pregnancy she doesn't want--just the same as a wife having a kid when the husband does not want one. Either way, it is manipulative. People always assume only women do this. That is not the case.

I hear you hit women have the choice of the morning after pill or abortion. Men don’t.

When you are married, you can't exactly just take a pill or get an abortion (years ago the morning after pill was prescription only and hard to get)...it is not like you are dating.

Yes, you can. And I feel sad for married who feel like they can't. You got married. You didn't give up rights to y our body.

DP. It really depends on the reason for the lack of sex. If it is because the other person has become disgusting, or abusive, then cheating is really bad. But if it's one of those situations where one partner just stops wanting sex, it is a tougher call. Cheating is always wrong but there are shades of grey. If having sex on the side enables a man to stay with his family in an otherwise sexless marriage, I am not going to condemn him completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The heart wants what the heart wants.

Some years ago there was a beautiful “Vows” story in the NYT. A Mom and a Dad met each other as they dropped their children off at preschool. The two couples became good friends. But, a powerful force, a magnetic attraction drew the Mom and the other Dad together.

They “cheated” because they had to see for themselves if their love was so strong that it was worthwhile to blow up their marriages. “Cheating” allowed them to have their existing marriages to fall back on if this magical love didn’t come through.

But come it did

Everyone is better off. The wonderful couple, of course. The children who get to see a powerful love between two parents. The ex-spouses don’t have to live with the guilt of keeping the two from each other.

Ultimately, some people have earned the right to cheat. If you’ve just made partner in a BigLaw firm, then you almost certainly should start auditioning candidates. Why should you stick with a sweet 6 when your newly elevated status and social profile, coupled with the best possible grooming, clothing and fitness training can earn you nines or even 9.5’s?

Lots of people outgrow their spouses. Who are we to judge their happiness to take a back seat to their spouses, their children, or all of us?

This is why I read DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's extreme poor character for the cheaters. There is literally no excuse that can't be countered with the statement "get a divorce first." Yes, divorce is hard. Expensive. Unpleasant. But it's what adults do when a marriage is over.

Instead, cheaters inflict extreme emotional trauma on their families... Making conscious efforts to lie, manipulate, and gaslight their families day after day. Indefinitely, until they are busted.

Kids aren't resilient.
Your spouse isn't responsible for your happiness.
Your affair partner isnt responsible for your happiness.

+ 1M

[Anonymous]

What could be more selfish than breaking a vow you made to someone else; a vow that many people make in front of family and friends in a house of God?

[Anonymous]

Yes, obviously you know it could be life altering for your kids and you choose to do it anyway for sexual gratification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The heart wants what the heart wants.

Some years ago there was a beautiful “Vows” story in the NYT. A Mom and a Dad met each other as they dropped their children off at preschool. The two couples became good friends. But, a powerful force, a magnetic attraction drew the Mom and the other Dad together.

They “cheated” because they had to see for themselves if their love was so strong that it was worthwhile to blow up their marriages. “Cheating” allowed them to have their existing marriages to fall back on if this magical love didn’t come through.

But come it did

Everyone is better off. The wonderful couple, of course. The children who get to see a powerful love between two parents. The ex-spouses don’t have to live with the guilt of keeping the two from each other.

Ultimately, some people have earned the right to cheat. If you’ve just made partner in a BigLaw firm, then you almost certainly should start auditioning candidates. Why should you stick with a sweet 6 when your newly elevated status and social profile, coupled with the best possible grooming, clothing and fitness training can earn you nines or even 9.5’s?

Lots of people outgrow their spouses. Who are we to judge their happiness to take a back seat to their spouses, their children, or all of us?

LOL! I remember this Vows column. The couple were so delusional that they actually thought they came off well, so well that they wanted to publicize their love to the world. The reporter and the rest of us were appropriately disgusted. Anyone have a link?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly think parents fighting in front of their kids or talking badly about them in front of kids is far more selfish and worse than an affair. Far worse.

Also, being a narcissistic parent, unreasonable expectations of children, and being a mentally ill or neglectful parent but refusing help is way more selfish as well.

What? No.That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.

The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.

Why can’t the potential cheater say “hey I don’t want to live aa sexless marriage anymore. We need to get a divorce if we can’t have sex.”

Why go through that hassle? Unilateral decisions have already been made about intimacy, no need for that to change or needless threats to be made.

Unbelievable. A spouse might not have as much sex as before for whatever reason and he or she as tbe non-cheating spouse have tbe same blame as tbe cheating spouse. My wife of over 18 years can just tell me - hey, I need more sex. If there is an issue, we can axdress it and not go get an AP.

And when you or her basically say too bad, and I will try and ruin you in a divorce? Life is not nearly as neat as you make it sound.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What could be more selfish than breaking a vow you made to someone else; a vow that many people make in front of family and friends in a house of God?

Being a non-caring, emotionless fridge robot is more selfish. I have seen spouses like that, they break the vow just as much as the cheater does.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.[/quote]


The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.
[/quote]

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.[/quote]

Why can’t the potential cheater say “hey I don’t want to live aa sexless marriage anymore. We need to get a divorce if we can’t have sex.”[/quote]

Why go through that hassle? Unilateral decisions have already been made about intimacy, no need for that to change or needless threats to be made.[/quote]

Unbelievable. A spouse might not have as much sex as before for whatever reason and he or she as tbe non-cheating spouse have tbe same blame as tbe cheating spouse. My wife of over 18 years can just tell me - hey, I need more sex. If there is an issue, we can axdress it and not go get an AP.[/quote]
[b]
Did you miss the opening sentence where “the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex”? That is your wife telling you she needs more sex, and you telling her “No”. [/b]
[/quote]

Odd how people do not know this is abuse in every sense of the word. I have seen this and in each couple the denier thinks they still should be adored by the other. They are too selfish to say I dont want to have sex with you because they are scared to start over and most likely know they will not do any better in the dating market.