Do You Feel That Affairs Are the Ultimate Selfishness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Undoubtedly selfish. Almost the definition of selfish. Nowhere near the ultimate, though.

Selfish is one aspect. After my DW three months ago informed me she wanted a divorce, the shock was this unimaginable emotion of grief. The rollercoaster of emotions were hectic. But one therapist discussed with me this idea of "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome." The DW or any wife for that matter asks the DH to spend more time together or behaviors that she views negatively and they continue for a long time without the DH changing it. The DW quietly plans her exit strategy. She tells herself, “I’ll leave when my youngest goes to college, or “I’m going to find my soul mate and then I’ll leave this marriage,” or “As soon as I can support myself financially, I’m outta’ here.” Again, this is inclusive because my current situation with my DW is that I just found out she is having an extra martial affair and yes, she is selfish. Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages. Some the same reasons could be applied against the male. After 20 years of marriage, our house will have to be sold and the three kids to learn to live in two homes because of the selfish act of the DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.

The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.

The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.

I disagree. The cheater is a coward if he/she doesn't first tell the spouse, "Hey, I don't want to be in a sexless marriage. Either we try to figure out how to make it work or talk about alternatives (divorce, opening up the marriage, etc.)"

The problem is that it's not just sex. It's also lying and deception. That's not nothing. Not to mention, there are risks -- STDs, pregnancy. It's one thing if you have an open marriage and you're honest. But cheating is lying. It's not just about sex.

It's also breaking a vow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Undoubtedly selfish. Almost the definition of selfish. Nowhere near the ultimate, though.

Selfish is one aspect. After my DW three months ago informed me she wanted a divorce, the shock was this unimaginable emotion of grief. The rollercoaster of emotions were hectic. But one therapist discussed with me this idea of "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome." The DW or any wife for that matter asks the DH to spend more time together or behaviors that she views negatively and they continue for a long time without the DH changing it. The DW quietly plans her exit strategy. She tells herself, “I’ll leave when my youngest goes to college, or “I’m going to find my soul mate and then I’ll leave this marriage,” or “As soon as I can support myself financially, I’m outta’ here.” Again, this is inclusive because my current situation with my DW is that I just found out she is having an extra martial affair and yes, she is selfish. Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages. Some the same reasons could be applied against the male. After 20 years of marriage, our house will have to be sold and the three kids to learn to live in two homes because of the selfish act of the DW.

How was the relationship during your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's extreme poor character for the cheaters. There is literally no excuse that can't be countered with the statement "get a divorce first." Yes, divorce is hard. Expensive. Unpleasant. But it's what adults do when a marriage is over.

Instead, cheaters inflict extreme emotional trauma on their families... Making conscious efforts to lie, manipulate, and gaslight their families day after day. Indefinitely, until they are busted.

Kids aren't resilient.
Your spouse isn't responsible for your happiness.
Your affair partner isnt responsible for your happiness.

+1

No one is saying you have to stay in a bad marriage. But you owe it to basic human decency to tell your partner you want out first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.

The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.

Why can’t the potential cheater say “hey I don’t want to live aa sexless marriage anymore. We need to get a divorce if we can’t have sex.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.

The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.

Why can’t the potential cheater say “hey I don’t want to live aa sexless marriage anymore. We need to get a divorce if we can’t have sex.”

Why go through that hassle? Unilateral decisions have already been made about intimacy, no need for that to change or needless threats to be made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's extreme poor character for the cheaters. There is literally no excuse that can't be countered with the statement "get a divorce first." Yes, divorce is hard. Expensive. Unpleasant. But it's what adults do when a marriage is over.

Instead, cheaters inflict extreme emotional trauma on their families... Making conscious efforts to lie, manipulate, and gaslight their families day after day. Indefinitely, until they are busted.

Kids aren't resilient.
Your spouse isn't responsible for your happiness.
Your affair partner isnt responsible for your happiness.

Pretty self-righteous there, i have known people I would not have blamed their spouse for cheating. Rare but I have seen a few robotic unemotional spouses who frankly probably wont care as long as the bills are paid and everything else remains the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Undoubtedly selfish. Almost the definition of selfish. Nowhere near the ultimate, though.

Selfish is one aspect. After my DW three months ago informed me she wanted a divorce, the shock was this unimaginable emotion of grief. The rollercoaster of emotions were hectic. But one therapist discussed with me this idea of "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome." The DW or any wife for that matter asks the DH to spend more time together or behaviors that she views negatively and they continue for a long time without the DH changing it. The DW quietly plans her exit strategy. She tells herself, “I’ll leave when my youngest goes to college, or “I’m going to find my soul mate and then I’ll leave this marriage,” or “As soon as I can support myself financially, I’m outta’ here.” Again, this is inclusive because my current situation with my DW is that I just found out she is having an extra martial affair and yes, she is selfish. Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages. Some the same reasons could be applied against the male. After 20 years of marriage, our house will have to be sold and the three kids to learn to live in two homes because of the selfish act of the DW.

How was the relationship during your marriage?

The relationship was great until we had our third kid. The balancing of two careers and kids, our romantic and intimate relationship took a back seat. The emotional connection was there but the a lone time was lacking. My DW after the fact let me know she missed having more sex but loved our family. DW let me know that the AP filled the intimacy gap that she lacked for two years. Today I just found out her AP dumped her and she is asking to talk. I love my children but no way would I take her back. She did the un

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.

The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.

Why can’t the potential cheater say “hey I don’t want to live aa sexless marriage anymore. We need to get a divorce if we can’t have sex.”

Why go through that hassle? Unilateral decisions have already been made about intimacy, no need for that to change or needless threats to be made.

Unbelievable. A spouse might not have as much sex as before for whatever reason and he or she as tbe non-cheating spouse have tbe same blame as tbe cheating spouse. My wife of over 18 years can just tell me - hey, I need more sex. If there is an issue, we can axdress it and not go get an AP.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think cheaters want a divorce. I think most want to keep their families. Other cultures see affairs differently. The French, Chinese and Finnish for example. It is not child abuse and it is selfish but often it is the result of the overall dynamic of the partnership. It is also selfish for a woman to have a child when her husband doesn’t want one. A decision that is very impactful. The scenario I see is that people have kids and their relationship and priorities shift, a spouse feels neglected and seeks another relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.

The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.

That’s a real reach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if it's just sex? Who cares? People get all worked up over cheating for nothing.

The cheated-on spouse cares. Otherwise it would have been an open marriage.

If the cheated-on spouse has been rejecting sex, clearly they do not care.
I would say an affair is equally selfish as a sexless marriage. Neither is worse, they are exactly the same degree of selfishness.

That’s a real reach.

To another galaxy!!

[Anonymous]

Self centered and cowardly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think cheaters want a divorce. I think most want to keep their families. Other cultures see affairs differently. The French, Chinese and Finnish for example. It is not child abuse and it is selfish but often it is the result of the overall dynamic of the partnership. It is also selfish for a woman to have a child when her husband doesn’t want one. A decision that is very impactful. The scenario I see is that people have kids and their relationship and priorities shift, a spouse feels neglected and seeks another relationship.

It's also selfish when a man pressures his wife into a pregnancy she doesn't want--just the same as a wife having a kid when the husband does not want one. Either way, it is manipulative. People always assume only women do this. That is not the case.