Unfair monetary treatment between me and step-siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is your father OP?

He died when I was a teenager.

[Anonymous]

How old are you? Was your mom broke while you were young? Sounds like she's giving them what couldn't give you growing up.

[Anonymous]

OP this is about your mom and dad, not your mom’s second husband and his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP...it's your stepdad's money. So why do you feel so entitled?

I don’t, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me a little, or that I wasn’t a little bit jealous.
Our kids are treated nicely, but are by no means spoiled. I wouldn’t want them to be!

Well, does the total spent on your family seem comparable to the the total spent on their single person families?

OP?

This was my question, too. Thanks for prompting for a response.

In my family, my parents look at it as a total allotment per child that is distributed to that child/family. So if each child is getting $1000 in gifts then that is split amongst that child's family. So as an example: $1000 would be spread between me, my husband, our 5 kids and the dogs (yes, they are 'family') while my single sib would get $1000 probably as an expensive gift with a check for the residual. It works for us.

As OP describes it, it doesn't sound like her situation is the same. Could it be that the step-dad is presuming that OP's dad is also buying presents for his daughter and that he thinks he is being generous in including her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP...it's your stepdad's money. So why do you feel so entitled?

I don’t, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me a little, or that I wasn’t a little bit jealous.
Our kids are treated nicely, but are by no means spoiled. I wouldn’t want them to be!

Well, does the total spent on your family seem comparable to the the total spent on their single person families?

OP?

This was my question, too. Thanks for prompting for a response.

In my family, my parents look at it as a total allotment per child that is distributed to that child/family. So if each child is getting $1000 in gifts then that is split amongst that child's family. So as an example: $1000 would be spread between me, my husband, our 5 kids and the dogs (yes, they are 'family') while my single sib would get $1000 probably as an expensive gift with a check for the residual. It works for us.

As OP describes it, it doesn't sound like her situation is the same. Could it be that the step-dad is presuming that OP's dad is also buying presents for his daughter and that he thinks he is being generous in including her?

And, yikes, I just read that your dad is deceased OP. I apologize for my thoughtless question above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is about your mom and dad, not your mom’s second husband and his kids.

No, its not as this is not her Dad. Its about her Mom and second husband as it doesn't sound like she has a relationship to call him stepdad.

[Anonymous]

They're his kids and he can spend what he wants on them. You're a lot older and you were never "his kid".

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you don’t have a close enough relationship with your mom, OP to just tell her how you feel. That sucks.

[Anonymous]

Is the gift card from just your mom or “from Mom and Stepdad”? If from both it is very rude to hand you a $75 gift to share with your DH while siblings open up $1000+ gifts. How awkward. I can’t believe your mom just sits there and is fine with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But OP...it's your stepdad's money. So why do you feel so entitled?

I don’t, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me a little, or that I wasn’t a little bit jealous.
Our kids are treated nicely, but are by no means spoiled. I wouldn’t want them to be!

Well, does the total spent on your family seem comparable to the the total spent on their single person families?

OP?

This was my question, too. Thanks for prompting for a response.

In my family, my parents look at it as a total allotment per child that is distributed to that child/family. So if each child is getting $1000 in gifts then that is split amongst that child's family. So as an example: $1000 would be spread between me, my husband, our 5 kids and the dogs (yes, they are 'family') while my single sib would get $1000 probably as an expensive gift with a check for the residual. It works for us.

As OP describes it, it doesn't sound like her situation is the same. Could it be that the step-dad is presuming that OP's dad is also buying presents for his daughter and that he thinks he is being generous in including her?

And, yikes, I just read that your dad is deceased OP. I apologize for my thoughtless question above.

Not thoughtless, you didn’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the gift card from just your mom or “from Mom and Stepdad”? If from both it is very rude to hand you a $75 gift to share with your DH while siblings open up $1000+ gifts. How awkward. I can’t believe your mom just sits there and is fine with this.

It’s from both. And yes, it is awkward. She’s just so delighted that “they” get them these things.

Someone else mentioned that it could be that she knows we can take care of ourselves, and we can and do.

And no, I can not have this conversation with my mom without it blowing up into a big thing. And it does suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the gift card from just your mom or “from Mom and Stepdad”? If from both it is very rude to hand you a $75 gift to share with your DH while siblings open up $1000+ gifts. How awkward. I can’t believe your mom just sits there and is fine with this.

You need to read the thread more closely. OP has stated that it's her stepdad's money but "it wouldn't hurt for him to treat her the same financially". So it's clear that she feels entitled to his money but without good reason. People like the OP are the reason why we withhold gifting our biograndkids just because we also dont want to give anything to the non-bio grandkids. I don't know where this bizarre entitlement comes from but as it exists, as shown by OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the gift card from just your mom or “from Mom and Stepdad”? If from both it is very rude to hand you a $75 gift to share with your DH while siblings open up $1000+ gifts. How awkward. I can’t believe your mom just sits there and is fine with this.

It’s from both. And yes, it is awkward. She’s just so delighted that “they” get them these things.

Someone else mentioned that it could be that she knows we can take care of ourselves, and we can and do.

And no, I can not have this conversation with my mom without it blowing up into a big thing. And it does suck.

Why would it blow up? Do you think she will accuse you of being jealous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is your father OP?

He died when I was a teenager.

I am sorry OP.

I posted earlier about my dad and trips/visiting his 2nd wife's grandkids and not his own. It is deleted now per my request.

I get that this is about so much more than the money or gifts. This is about your mom dumping you for a new family after your dad died.

I do suggest that you talk to your mom about how hurt you are when she shares all the amazing things she is doing for his daughters, while you and your kids are treated so differently. You need to try to communicate that it is not about the material things, but the material things are a concrete, physical example that shows how you feel about your importance to her, and your place in her new life and family.

Be prepared, however, that she will be defensive, very defensive, and that your relationship might not recover. Or she will dismiss you and blow you off. That hurts too.

Then, you can decide how to go forward. Perhaps she will see and understand your feelings. Or perhaps you will need to find your family somewhere else, maybe through your husband's parents.

I never got along great with my MIL, but after all I went through with my dad dumping us for his new family, I have really learned to love and appreciate my inlaws for how fair they are to their kids and grandkids, and how consistent and engaged they are.

Your mom might not be the mom you need her to be. So you can only control you, to accept this, and either move on from that part of your life, or go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a family like relationship with your mom's new family?