I just looked it my daughter's social media accounts...

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thank you for all of your responses. I appreciate the opinions and guidance, and a combination of that - and the hours between last night and now are perhaps what allowed me to keep my cool and not freak out on my DD.

Here's where we are now:

We spoke with DD earlier today and basically said that we took a look at her social media accounts and saw some alarming language and behaviors. I said we'll get into more details later this evening (when the younger siblings are fast asleep), but we thought she needed to be in the loop about the changes happening immediately.

That includes a 100% elimination of all social media and limited phone use. The latter will likely happen this weekend by way of a phone downgrade to a flip phone, as opposed to the smartphone she has now.

We explained that although it probably feels like a punishment, it is more so a way that we can help her to understand that her online behavior is extremely reckless and that shows that she is not ready to be a part of social media - not yet.

We'll follow up more tonight with her, and get into the deeper discussions about sexual behavior (and its repercussions), healthy relationships, appropriate behaviors, online discussions, and everything else that is related to this situation.

Of course, this isn't a one and done. In addition to the ongoing conversations with us, she'll also be speaking with some other trusted adults about these same subjects.

To the readers here and previous posters, please feel free to keep this discussion going. I can't begin to explain how much hearing from you helped me.

FYI: We are a happy, healthy family. My husband and I have a healthy relationship and from the outside, you would NEVER KNOW we have a child behaving like this. We are college educated, hard workers, and very involved in our children's lives.

I say all this to say that this can happen to even the most active, seemingly "perfect" families. If you don't already, please please please have full transparency with your kids and their devices and social media. I'm so glad I did. And while I have no idea how things will unfold from here, just can't imagine if I didn't check in on her online activities.

Any further feedback is greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thank you for all of your responses. I appreciate the opinions and guidance, and a combination of that - and the hours between last night and now are perhaps what allowed me to keep my cool and not freak out on my DD.

Here's where we are now:

We spoke with DD earlier today and basically said that we took a look at her social media accounts and saw some alarming language and behaviors. I said we'll get into more details later this evening (when the younger siblings are fast asleep), but we thought she needed to be in the loop about the changes happening immediately.

That includes a 100% elimination of all social media and limited phone use. The latter will likely happen this weekend by way of a phone downgrade to a flip phone, as opposed to the smartphone she has now.

We explained that although it probably feels like a punishment, it is more so a way that we can help her to understand that her online behavior is extremely reckless and that shows that she is not ready to be a part of social media - not yet.

We'll follow up more tonight with her, and get into the deeper discussions about sexual behavior (and its repercussions), healthy relationships, appropriate behaviors, online discussions, and everything else that is related to this situation.

Of course, this isn't a one and done. In addition to the ongoing conversations with us, she'll also be speaking with some other trusted adults about these same subjects.

To the readers here and previous posters, please feel free to keep this discussion going. I can't begin to explain how much hearing from you helped me.

FYI: We are a happy, healthy family. My husband and I have a healthy relationship and from the outside, you would NEVER KNOW we have a child behaving like this. We are college educated, hard workers, and very involved in our children's lives.

I say all this to say that this can happen to even the most active, seemingly "perfect" families. If you don't already, please please please have full transparency with your kids and their devices and social media. I'm so glad I did. And while I have no idea how things will unfold from here, just can't imagine if I didn't check in on her online activities.

Any further feedback is greatly appreciated.

No judgement whatsoever. DS has said/done things that go against our values and teachings- I expect he will do this more as he ages, and we will do our best just as you are doing your best. We will definitely be monitoring social media because tweens/teens have underdeveloped judgement.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP. I also have a 14 year old daughter and am very grateful she is a tiny granny in a 14 year old body and has no interest in Snapchat or Instagram. But, her younger sister is counting down the days to Instagram and youtube (I'm nixing Snapchat for anyone), so this is very helpful. Sounds like you all have a good relationship which should help. I do agree w/ the previous poster that faith can help here (part of why my eldest is a bit of a prude), but nothing is a cure-all. Best of luck going forward.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a reasonable approach. I've seen where parents overreact and the result is the kid becomes sneakier. You want to keep communication open, so she's not scared to talk to you. Also making the punishment about dangerous online behavior and restricting accounts is appropriate and fits the crime. You are not punishing her thoughts and feelings about sex and you are not cutting her completely off from her friends.

I admire you for approaching it calmly, taking the time to think about it and not reacting harshly immediately.

[Anonymous]

I think it's likely she has heard from peers that they are having sex, they may have made her feel like she's the only one who isn't, and that pressure is weighing on her.

It's also possible that she is just having normal sexual feelings and thinks it would be a good idea to act on them. It's not just boys who feel that urge starting at puberty.

I would talk with her about possible scenarios that can and do happen when you become sexually active at her age, such as pregnancy and all the angst and hard decisions that involves, STDs which are so prevalent these days and how some of them are for life, affect on her reputation among other teens and also adults who are important to her, etc. etc. Not a lecture, a conversation, with her inputting her thoughts and feelings on each topic.

You can't stop her from experimenting with sex if she is really determined, so your goal is to make sure she has all the info she should have before she makes that decision. Hopefully it will cause her to hold off for at least a few years.

[Anonymous]

Make sure you've gotten her the HPV vaccine

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you handled it well. Good luck! Stay vigilant.

[Anonymous]

Whatever else you do, make sure she has her HPV vaccines, an IUD or depo shots, and plenty of condoms.

[Anonymous]

OP: On the sex front. I have a slightly older girl in a boyfriend relationship and while I don't think they are sexually active, the possibility is in my mind and I've done some recent reading and thinking about how to talk about sex with teens.

You might find it helpful to ask her what her opinoins are about some key sexual ethics questions. If you were to have sex, is it ok to have it with more than one person at a time? Is it ok to talk about it with your friends? Do you think sex should be in a stable, caring relationship or should just be for fun? Why or why not? Is it ok to have sex with someone else's boyfriend? Whats it mean to be used? Can both people use one another without anyone getting hurt? What about "friends with benefits?" What are the rules? Do boys suffer reputational harm for having sex at school when 14? Do you think girls would? What do you think the school consequences would be if you got caught? You might start by trying to understand where she is coming from and then talking about the implications. The power of this sort of dialogue for a teen is that its not top-down you telling her what she should think, but you want her to struggle with the tough questions herself in a conversation in which you can put in your own views and experiences (to the extent appropriate).


Another key thing Ive read on some teen chat boards, is that some kids clearly think they shouldnt have sex with anyone that they don't want to parent with (that possibility is always there and real) so work that into the conversation. Finally, I recall an old Oprah that had a 14 yr old girl on who thought she was ready to have sex with her boyfriend. A sex therapist peppered her with questions:

1) What are you going to use for birth control?
2) what if that fails?
3) if you get pregnant, would you raise the baby?
4) What if you partner talks all over the school about his experience with you?
5) If you expect this to be a long-term relationship-- how long? Does your partner agree?
6) How will you prevent STDs?
7) Are you ok with the risk that you get one (they are on the rise right now--talk about the consequences)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just want to give OP a virtual hug and thank her for sharing. I check my 10 year olds emails etc every single night and this post reassures me that I’m doing the right thing.
I was sexually active at 15 and looking back I wish my parents had been more aware of what was going on.

Genuine question: who is your 10-year-old emailing?

[Anonymous]

NP. Good for you, OP. Sounds like you've been handling this very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you access DC's account if you are not on their "friends" (or whatever) list?

If you are on their phone, logged in as the child, you have access as owner of the account.

But are you the owner of the account, if your DC is the one who opened the account, and you don't have the pw? Do all parents have their DC's IG pw?

OP here. When we got her the phone and she asked about social media accounts, we held off for quite a while. When we did allow her to get on social media sometime later, we had many discussions, one of which was about the importance of parents having all-access to each account. I had her write down all passwords and usernames and told her I could check on what she was doing anytime. I also said that it wouldn't be an everyday thing because I wanted to respect her having room to make her own decisions and thought it would be good for her to have some level of privacy. But I also told her that I needed to know all the passwords, just to be on the safe side.

And that's how I handled it. I didn't look aggressively but rather scrolled through texts and social media here and there when I thought to do it and looked out for any words or messages that might seem alarming or inappropriate. But I never looked super thoroughly at her snapchat account and also had no idea that she created an additional instagram account without my knowledge.

In short, I can access her accounts just as easily as she can because I have the same accessibility (i.e. log in information).

And this is where the parent control theory falls short! Kids can always set up an extra account or three and use them to do whatever they want, and you'll be checking their facade Instagram and pat yourself on the head because all you think your angel is interested in is her upcoming SATs..

FWIW, my child is still in elementary, but I'm already worried about social media. We'll try to hold off on giving DD a smartphone as long as we can, but, eventually, it will have to happen. Of course, we will talk to her about it, blah, blah, blah, but, at that point, it will be pretty much out of our hands. Short of physically taking away the access to Internet, I can't see any way of controlling anyone's online behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP, I thought about this last night when I read it. Then I thought about it again this morning. Then I showed it to my 15 yr old DD who has a phone and laptop and Snapchat and Instagram, etc.

You know what my 15 yr old said? "It's fine if she wants to have sex as long as she is safe about it. It's the way she's talking about it that seems alarming. It seems like something she wants to check off a list, not something she wants to enjoy. Her reasons for wanting to do it seem really weird."

[Anonymous]

PP is right, parental monitoring isn't going to control what they do online. It gives you an opportunity to see some things that can be "teaching moments" and to capitalize on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous



My daughter isn’t that age yet, but in addition to what others posted, I would tell her calmly that you are making a doctor’s appointment so she can get on birth control and to discuss std’s with a medical professional. Personally, I have a female gynecologist that I trust would be honest but gentle with her. Even if she’s just bluffing about wanting to have sex, now is a good time to talk about it.
I would also talk about the emotional part of sex and the value of having sex with someone you trust.

This is horrible advice! Why are you posting here when you don't even have a DD this age?