I just looked it my daughter's social media accounts...

[Anonymous]

And... whoa. First, let me start by saying that I have ALWAYS told her that I have the option of checking in on her social media accounts. She is 14 years old and we have talked about the importance of parents knowing what and who their kids are communicating with online. I have access to her devices and accounts, passwords, usernames, etc. Well, I guess she assumed I wouldn't check her snapchat and.... well... I did. I could barely use the app because I don't have a snapchat and I think a lot of kids assume that will be the case for their parents. FYI... if you ever decide to look at your kid's snapchat app, go under settings first and turn off the setting that says to delete all messages after they are read. I changed it to 24 hours, which was the only other option and let me tell you, the flood gates opened.

I have no problem speaking with her about what I read, primarily because we have had the open discussion that I can see her messages anytime I want. But. Oh my goodness. I read several messages that were shocking. She talks with her friends about how she doesn't want to be a virgin anymore, is ready to have sex anytime, anywhere... even in school. She even has the location picked out, (thanks to advice from another snapchat exchange). She talked about how boys are approaching her asking if she wants to have sex and how she'd planning to do it soon. I should point out that the word they're using is NOT "sex" but, rather, the F word. Her messages are quite explicit... saying that she's ready for some "d---" and she's "just tryin' to 'F'" and how she knows they just want some good "pu---." AND THESE ARE THE MESSAGES THAT HAVEN'T BEEN DELETED!!!

I also learned that she has another social media account that I didn't know about. There wasn't anything too revealing on that one, but there were plenty of deleted messages. Red flag.

Now, what do I do? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but.... how do I deal with this now? A part of me wishes I had never read the messages, but now that I have, what do I do???? Do I take her phone? Do I have her delete her social media accounts? Does she need to get punished? We CLEARLY need to have a discussion, but please give me some guidance on what to say, what NOT to say, what to do, what NOT to do.

I consider myself to have sound judgment, but I'm stumped on this one, to say the least. I have a knot in my stomach bigger than ever and I need support. And please, no ugly mom-bashing comments, but constructive criticism and guidance is welcome.

Thank you in advance.

[Anonymous]

I'm not saying anything other than it seems ridiculous to me that a 14-yr-old has "devices and accounts, passwords, usernames." There is no reason a child needs those things.

[Anonymous]

Op here... I'm primarily referring to our laptop, her email account, her mobile phone and then the usernames/passwords for her snapchat and instagram accounts. But now I'm obviously reconsidering the latter two.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need a cell phone, especially since you know she's just going to whore herself out with it. Take it away. She's a CHILD.

[Anonymous]

Hard to reel them back in at that age, although still possible. In another two to three years it will be impossible, most likely.

While you still have the power, I'd suggest some serious grounding to eliminate social settings where sex (and possibly other nefarious behaviors) are easier. Like sleepovers, parties, hanging out at the mall. Reduce or eliminate access to internet by phone, ipad, computer, and either close or closely monitor media accounts.

Replace sketchy activities with family-based activities and some long, heartfelt chats about sex, values, morals and behavior. Don't just preach, have a two-way conversation. Both you and your husband should spend more time with her and talk to her as much as you can.

JMHO Good luck!

(Been there, done that, by the way)

[Anonymous]

First of all, OP, virtual hug to you, because sometimes teenagers suck!

That said, we love them even when they suck. You say she knows you have access to these things, so you haven't violated her confidence or privacy. I think you need to talk to her. Not going in guns-blazing, because that will put her on the defensive, but heart-to-heart kind of talking about why she is saying these things. You also need to do the things the PP mentioned re: withholding permission for activities for a while and dialing back on access to social media. But first, before you lay those things out and piss her off, do you think you can talk to her?

[Anonymous]

I would tell her your went on her accounts and read through her snap chat messages. Maybe print them out, if you can and read them aloud to her. Basically make her really uncomfortable and horrified. She’s at the age where actions matter. There are real consequences. Let her feel the horror and weight of her words. I wouldn’t necessarily punish her, but I would take away Snapchat and let her use it once she’s mature enough to use it.

I do think kids go through a stage and say really stupid meaningless gross sex crap. They’re just asserting their independence. Remind her you know this. But also remind her it’s wrong wrong wrong to do it on social media.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to her about sex yet?

How much is hormonal ranging teen talk, daydreaming, and sexual curiosity VERSES reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to her about sex yet?

How much is hormonal ranging teen talk, daydreaming, and sexual curiosity VERSES reality?

You sound delusional.
The kid is clearly headed for trouble and maybe a few STDs and abortions.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice given already. Your daughter is headed for big issues down the road if you don’t take care of this now. I’d also think about professional help, no one expects you to be an expert in dealing with this stuff by yourself.

You know the old saying “you can’t unring a bell”? It certainly applies to your daughter in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And... whoa. First, let me start by saying that I have ALWAYS told her that I have the option of checking in on her social media accounts. She is 14 years old and we have talked about the importance of parents knowing what and who their kids are communicating with online. I have access to her devices and accounts, passwords, usernames, etc. Well, I guess she assumed I wouldn't check her snapchat and.... well... I did. I could barely use the app because I don't have a snapchat and I think a lot of kids assume that will be the case for their parents. FYI... if you ever decide to look at your kid's snapchat app, go under settings first and turn off the setting that says to delete all messages after they are read. I changed it to 24 hours, which was the only other option and let me tell you, the flood gates opened.

I have no problem speaking with her about what I read, primarily because we have had the open discussion that I can see her messages anytime I want. But. Oh my goodness. I read several messages that were shocking. She talks with her friends about how she doesn't want to be a virgin anymore, is ready to have sex anytime, anywhere... even in school. She even has the location picked out, (thanks to advice from another snapchat exchange). She talked about how boys are approaching her asking if she wants to have sex and how she'd planning to do it soon. I should point out that the word they're using is NOT "sex" but, rather, the F word. Her messages are quite explicit... saying that she's ready for some "d---" and she's "just tryin' to 'F'" and how she knows they just want some good "pu---." AND THESE ARE THE MESSAGES THAT HAVEN'T BEEN DELETED!!!

I also learned that she has another social media account that I didn't know about. There wasn't anything too revealing on that one, but there were plenty of deleted messages. Red flag.

Now, what do I do? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but.... how do I deal with this now? A part of me wishes I had never read the messages, but now that I have, what do I do???? Do I take her phone? Do I have her delete her social media accounts? Does she need to get punished? We CLEARLY need to have a discussion, but please give me some guidance on what to say, what NOT to say, what to do, what NOT to do.

I consider myself to have sound judgment, but I'm stumped on this one, to say the least. I have a knot in my stomach bigger than ever and I need support. And please, no ugly mom-bashing comments, but constructive criticism and guidance is welcome.

Thank you in advance.

The first thing to do OP is to distinguish what you are upset about. Is it that your DD wants to have sex or that she used some shocking language on the internet (!) about wanting to have sex?
Being interested in sex at fourteen is expected and normal in boys and girls. I was the biggest goodie two-shoes and so was my best friend, and we raging masses of hormones at fourteen, thinking and talking about boys and sex.

If I were you- I would keep this conversation limited to what is currently damaging-- putting her business out there online. That is a bad move that can follow her as much as poor sexual choices. You need to talk about cultivating a clean, online image.

I would deal with the sex the same way as if she had come to me personally about it. If your DD seems unresponsive to sex as a responsible choice between a mature, committed couple- a practical conversation about STDs can do the trick- at that age, the thought of incurable herpes cooled my jets-- and let's not forget social consequences- does she want to have sex in a school broom closet with some idiot who is likely to tell everyone about it?

[Anonymous]

"If I were you- I would keep this conversation limited to what is currently damaging-- putting her business out there online. That is a bad move that can follow her as much as poor sexual choices. You need to talk about cultivating a clean, online image."

+1. Do not "read aloud" the info and shame her. Quickest way to destroy your relationship. You want her to feel comfortable coming to you now and in the future, you want to keep the lines of communication open, now and forever. Will it be hard? YES! But it will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"If I were you- I would keep this conversation limited to what is currently damaging-- putting her business out there online. That is a bad move that can follow her as much as poor sexual choices. You need to talk about cultivating a clean, online image."

+1. Do not "read aloud" the info and shame her. Quickest way to destroy your relationship. You want her to feel comfortable coming to you now and in the future, you want to keep the lines of communication open, now and forever. Will it be hard? YES! But it will be worth it.

I agree with this. Also, I’d be sure to have safety discussions about things like contacting people you don’t know, giving out your address, safe sex, sharing photos and explicit photos.

If you decide to follow the advice of taking your daughter for professional help, you should know that everything that happens will be confidential unless your daughter is in danger (and their definition of danger is likely different than yours) or there is someone over the age of 18 involved in predatory or sexual behavior with your daughter.

FWIW, taking away social media won’t stop her interest in sexual experimentation. But it might keep her away from strangers should she be inclined to graduate to that.

[Anonymous]

Better you are able to deal with this now than 3 years from now. I don’t think the devices are a problem - this is the world they live in and they will be communicating with one another sooner or later. Like so many learning lessons, be glad this is happening while still under your roof and while you have some control over conversation and behavior.

It is important to drill into kids “what is posted online, stays online - Forever”.

She may not mean all of what she writes - maybe just experimenting or trying to fit in. Hormones WOW. I’m shocked at how kids change because of them, and that back again. Not an easy time.

Keep talking, talking, talking.

Keep conversation avenues open.

[Anonymous]

My daughter isn’t that age yet, but in addition to what others posted, I would tell her calmly that you are making a doctor’s appointment so she can get on birth control and to discuss std’s with a medical professional. Personally, I have a female gynecologist that I trust would be honest but gentle with her. Even if she’s just bluffing about wanting to have sex, now is a good time to talk about it.
I would also talk about the emotional part of sex and the value of having sex with someone you trust.