I just looked it my daughter's social media accounts...

[Anonymous]

OP-- I understand why you would want her off social media for the time being..... but you may want to consider giving her back some of the freedom fairly quickly when she meets certain "milestones" to demonstrate increased maturity. Why?? Because all you are really doing is pushing her social media presence away from where you have any control. At any given time, my kids have 2-3 friends that use my teen's devices to login (and post!) to "secret" social media accounts, contact "forbidden" boyfriends etc. How do I know? My teens tell me. I don't love it but it's more important to me that my teens talk to me than that I get caught up in trying to police another family's punishment.

I think it's more important for your teen to learn the "effects" of her behavior-- like another poster said, she will likely get branded with a "bad reputation" (by teens and parents). Of course, there are also the other negative consequences if she acts recklessly sexually.

GOOD LUCK!

[Anonymous]

I don’t think punishing or taking away phone or media access will do anything but strengthen her resolve and push her away . What you need to do is talk to her about being careful about what she posts online and how it will affect her image if these posts get out. Also talk about safe sex and respect. Taking away her phone or social media will not stop her from having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: At any given time, my kids have 2-3 friends that use my teen's devices to login (and post!) to "secret" social media accounts, contact "forbidden" boyfriends etc. How do I know? My teens tell me. I don't love it but it's more important to me that my teens talk to me than that I get caught up in trying to police another family's punishment.

You should tell your teens to knock it off and not let their friends do that. They (and possibly you) are liable for anything bad that is sent to, or from, their phones on behalf of these other kids.

Not to mention, if you know the parents of these kids - and you do, right? - then you have a positive obligation to tell those parents that their kids are defying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think punishing or taking away phone or media access will do anything but strengthen her resolve and push her away . What you need to do is talk to her about being careful about what she posts online and how it will affect her image if these posts get out. Also talk about safe sex and respect. Taking away her phone or social media will not stop her from having sex.

A stupid and useless comment from a weak-minded, weak-willed individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: At any given time, my kids have 2-3 friends that use my teen's devices to login (and post!) to "secret" social media accounts, contact "forbidden" boyfriends etc. How do I know? My teens tell me. I don't love it but it's more important to me that my teens talk to me than that I get caught up in trying to police another family's punishment.

You should tell your teens to knock it off and not let their friends do that. They (and possibly you) are liable for anything bad that is sent to, or from, their phones on behalf of these other kids.

Not to mention, if you know the parents of these kids - and you do, right? - then you have a positive obligation to tell those parents that their kids are defying them.

You think this poster might somehow be liable? Wow you must be a lawyer with that astonishingly strong grasp of criminal liability

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think punishing or taking away phone or media access will do anything but strengthen her resolve and push her away . What you need to do is talk to her about being careful about what she posts online and how it will affect her image if these posts get out. Also talk about safe sex and respect. Taking away her phone or social media will not stop her from having sex.

A stupid and useless comment from a weak-minded, weak-willed individual.

Haha, sure. It’s just when I was that age I didn’t have a phone or social media and it didn’t stop me from dating or having sex. Where there is a will there is a way.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so curious how your daughter responded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think punishing or taking away phone or media access will do anything but strengthen her resolve and push her away . What you need to do is talk to her about being careful about what she posts online and how it will affect her image if these posts get out. Also talk about safe sex and respect. Taking away her phone or social media will not stop her from having sex.

A stupid and useless comment from a weak-minded, weak-willed individual.

Ok troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think punishing or taking away phone or media access will do anything but strengthen her resolve and push her away . What you need to do is talk to her about being careful about what she posts online and how it will affect her image if these posts get out. Also talk about safe sex and respect. Taking away her phone or social media will not stop her from having sex.

A stupid and useless comment from a weak-minded, weak-willed individual.

Just the opposite, actually.

Any time my parent took away or forbid me from something, it just went underground. I absolutely did it anyway. However, they no longer knew about it. The first PP knows that is what will happen.

But, go ahead and keep thinking it will stop.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t tell my daughter about this incident but we were talking about how some of my friends are reading everything in their kids phones and how I never did. She told me that it absolutely doesn’t mean anything and that there are so many ways kids keep their secrets and still do things online and so many of her friends do. I am inclined to believe her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

For the love of God, she doesn't want her 14 year old daughter to be a ho! It's not just she's "talking about sex", it sounds like she's on her way to becoming the school slut. OP, I would seriously threaten her with homeschooling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you access DC's account if you are not on their "friends" (or whatever) list?

If you are on their phone, logged in as the child, you have access as owner of the account.

How does this work for snapchat? I would like to look at their snapchat messages without them knowing that I'm doing so. If I am logged in as them, and read a message, won't they see that I've done it?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

This is terrifying for a parent and a kid. . I have a 14 year old too and this year there has been a lot of social drama.

The popular clique has grown at our DC middle school. There are kids selling weed-tokes $10 and edibles— mainly lollipops. A lot of kids are trying it for the first time. You should talk to your daughter about this, too.

I would talk to the school counselor and find out her fiend group... the teachers and counselors know. Talk to the principal, if needed. Give her a curfew. Track her on find friends. I would not take away her phone- it’s social suicide - limit the timeshe has the phone. Do not let her keep it in her room at night where she could possibly talk on the Discord app. Check her laptop, too.

A lot of us are going through similar things. 14 years old sucks for everyone.

A group of kids are going to high school parties— sidwell, gds. A few of them are having sex with high schoolers. These girls are called THOT (s) by their peers. Look it up- it’s used in rap songs. These girls also put provocative pics on insta and everyone “likes” them. Boys and girls. Girls joke about “f-Ing both boys and girls.

Every year there are kids caught giving BJ’s in school bathrooms. All the kids know about it and word travels quickly in a lunchroom of 550 students.

[Anonymous]

Continued..... I have no doubt your daughter is a good kid who has gotten entrenched in the politics of the popular crowd. Just try to have an open relationship with her so you can talk about this stuff... she may be excited but also terrified. As said before- it’s a tough age.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I love that this thread has not only helped me so much but enlightened other people as well. I too didn't think I had a reason to look at her social media, but obviously learned differently.

So, we eventually sat her down and talked very frankly about her behavior online and her choice of language. Her first reaction was, "Ok, you know I'm not really doing any of those things, right?"

Her father and I immediately explained that the conversation wasn't about her defending herself, but rather, about her understanding the immediate and long-term effects of the behavior.

I asked her if she had any idea about the extent of the things we had seen and she said, "I think I do." We explained that we aren't the only kids checking in on our kid's online activity, and even for those parents who don't see the actual threads, screen-shotting conversations is a common practice (as she knows) and can be kept forever.

I had previously taken a screenshot of one of the more horrific online conversations she had and showed her. We asked why she being so reckless with her choice of words, as opposed to just saying "he's cute" or "I really like him!" and she said, "I don't know... I just thought I would fit in better if I made it sound cooler."

We also explained that it was perfectly normal to have thoughts about sex, think about boys and to want to talk about sex with friends. But, we also said that it isn't so much about the conversation as it is about the choice of words and the online activity that is most concerning in this situation.

There was much more conversation (it'd be a book if I put every single detail in here), but that's the gist of it. I'd love to think that she's telling the 100% truth, but I'm not naive enough the think that.

I will say that she's not in a super-cool crowd of kids, but she does try to fit in, and despite being physically attractive, athletic and very engaging, is still quite unsure of "who she is" hasn't quite found a solid group of friends since starting high school.

In the meantime, her phone is GONE. I now have all access to her social media accounts (to my knowledge) and her online activity via laptop is limited and monitored. We explain that these changes are in place not so much to punish (even though it probably feels that way), but more so because she hasn't shown the maturity that warrants that much online accessibility. We'll revisit later if she should get another phone, but for now, her flip phone is what it is.

Side note: I truly believe Snapchat caters to teens - and purposely promoting their ability to hide things. It's not as simple to figure out as Facebook or Instagram, and I think a lot of kids count on their parents being clueless on this app in particular.

For example, there is a tab that says, "for my eyes only" on snapchat. Even if you're logged in, you can't access this tab unless you have a PIN. There is an option to change your PIN, but when you change it, everything in the folder is automatically deleted, so you'll never see what was in there. Whoever created this app did it with sneaky teens in mind, I swear.

FYI... I asked my daughter if there was anything in that folder that would concern me, and she said, "no... and here's my PIN so you can see." Needless to say, I was relieved, but I'm prepared for that to be shortlived after this experience.

<sigh> Thank you again to each of you. I'll be checking in on this thread in the coming days to see more responses/conversation/feedback. You ALL gave me such wonderful advice, support, and perspective and the differing opinions are so valuable. I certainly hope you've gained something from this discussion as well.