WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to laugh it off. Seriously. She needs to act like it doesn't bother her, and move on.

Yes, that was not a prank. But if she slinks away and quits her sport, that will not be good for DD either. Move on.

+1. These girls behaved badly, and they want a reaction. They were intending to be cruel and hurtful.

Of course your DD would be hurt by this, but she should try not to show it and instead move on like she was barely even bothered. The lack of reaction will deny the bullies what they wanted, and will only help your DD both gain and demonstrate a grace and maturity beyond her years.

Even telling the coach would unfortunately be showing her horrible teammates that their behavior had gotten to her, and I find that it's generally best to deny jerks any power or rewards for their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, it was not a sanctioned team event -- it was during the weekend outside of regular after school practice.

The parent should have emailed all the parents the information. It was on the parent who allowed their child to behave that way. However, I'd find a new team. The coach should know and she is clearly not wanted on that team and continuing is only setting her up for future failure. That is not a prank. That is just cruel.

That is not how high school kids make plans. The kids organize everything without parents.

There is a very good chance that mean girl told her mom that OPs daughter could not make it to the event.

I agree with the other part though that the coach should know.

OPs daughter should not quit.

Mean girl should be (at the least) benched for a while.

[Anonymous]

Cruel, nasty girls.. I would find a different group of people to be around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would alert the coach and/or the parents. That's pretty crappy behaviour on the part of those kids, and I have my doubts it was the first time or the last time they've done something that mean. I would let them know in a factual way, not demanding an apology or any action, but I wouldn't let it go unnoticed by people with some authority in their lives.

How could I phrase this? I am really, really struggling here. I alternate between rage and desire to weep.

"Coach, just wanted to let you know something about last Saturday. Larla was as excited as any of the girls to get to meet Mia Hamm. For reasons neither she nor I know, Etta and Betta decided it would be funny to not tell her when the meet up was, and to get the other girls to keep it from her also. She was understandably hurt when she figured out what happenned. Etta and Betta told her it was just a joke, but as you can imagine, she doesn't see it that way. I'm leaving it to her to decide if she wNts to continue to play with the team, but I thought you should know what happenned, and handle it as you see fit. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss it further."

OMG don't say that, that's a joke. You basically just had a whinge and then said you aren't going to do a single thing about it.

The other girls should be removed from the team. NO QUESTION. The mom should demand it. After they're off the team, her DD can decide whether to stay on it or not. Acting like a doormat does not help her daughter, either now or in the future.

[Anonymous]

If it's a public school, there are official ways to report bullying.

MCPS: https://www.montgomeryschoolsmd.org/departments/forms/pdf/230-35.pdf

https://dcps.dc.gov/bullying

https://www.fcps.edu/resources/student-safety-and-wellness/bullying-prevention-and-intervention

Sorry this happened, OP! Hugs for your daughter; she will grow from this experience & will have more empathy as a result of this unfortunate incident. I agree with PPs who say this is a traumatic event she's likely to remember -- be sure to offer her counseling if you think she needs it.

[Anonymous]

The scale of the cruelty (massive) does not determine the scale of your parental reaction. The coach should kick the instigators off the team. But there's nothing you can do. You need the other adults in this equation to mete out the punishment (which should be massive too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, it was not a sanctioned team event -- it was during the weekend outside of regular after school practice.

This doesn’t matter at all.

First, op, my heart hurts for your d d (and you). This wasn’t a prank. This was calculated and mean.

I would absolutely tell the coach and, depending on how it is handled, I would let my dd choose between leaving the team or sticking it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to the coach. I would be involved in making it known to the coach this happened. What they choose to do with that info is up to them.

If the coach (whether they knew it was happening or not) is interested in fostering a team spirit, they need to get back to basics - some team building, apologies, etc. I mean, this had to be pretty involved for the kids to all keep mum about it, and at the event, if someone asked where your daughter was/noticed she was missing, they probably lied aloud then as well.

This would be a moment for your daughter to let them know (and if they are good friends and have known each other a while she shouldn't be nervous about doing that) how this made her feel. Let the team settle it amongst themselves and then walk away. It's better in the long run for everyone and hopefully better for the team.

I agree -- that was another thing that was so weird. In younger years, we all carpooled. I cannot understand how one of the parents didn't think, oh! Is Larla late? Let me check with Larla's mom to see where they are so they don't miss this.

Some of those kids probably did carpool. You'd think at least 1-2 of the parents would check the kids phones and knew.

In middle school, yes.

High school?

No.

[Anonymous]

I really hope you send a note to the star in question and explain what happened and see if your dd and her can have a one on one meeting. I think any athletic star who would take time to meet with a team of HS athletes would be horrified to learn they were indirectly involved in a bullying event.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was the target of horrible bullying I find it terrible advice of posters to advise that OP’s daughter will learn from this experience, will be stronger, should have a stiff upper lip.

This kind of social alienation, isolation and shaming is horrible. Telling someone to get over it, in the future you will laugh about it, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, is the opposite of helpful. Because the victim is then double shamed, because you’re still upset and not feeling any better the next day or next week and think “what’s wrong with me, why am I still upset, I should have been over this by now, a normal person would I have moved on but I can’t....”

Nip this in the bud OP. This won’t be the last time these girls pull this crap on your DD, if they think they can get away with it they will keep doing it. And your DD will feel worse,,every single day she has to go to school and see them. Every day. Call the coach, pick up the phone and call. Tonight. I send a virtual hug to your DD,,because bullying is just awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - is there some kind of a student honor council in your school, where people are brought to for cheating? I could file a complaint there after informing the coach that you intend to pursue that route. Copy the school principal and the assistant principal on the letter of complaint which should include all the emails as well as what your daughter was told in person. You should interview your daughter about the sequence of events, and save it in a dated e-stamped document, to make contemporaneous testimony.

Save this post, too. It is timed and dated.

I would, without a doubt, encourage your daughter to quit the team. If the school does the right thing, the team should be disbanded for the season anyway after this event is made public, or at least the JV should be. The two girls who organized the prank should be made ineligible for school sports, with a note on their transcripts. I would not accept anything less as a parent. If those or similar terms are not met, I would contact the news media .

Also, do not hesitate to contact the celebrity athlete in question. I would fully expect that he or she would want to vindicate the situation.

This post is too much.

The others are all right on target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to laugh it off. Seriously. She needs to act like it doesn't bother her, and move on.

Yes, that was not a prank. But if she slinks away and quits her sport, that will not be good for DD either. Move on.

+1. These girls behaved badly, and they want a reaction. They were intending to be cruel and hurtful.

Of course your DD would be hurt by this, but she should try not to show it and instead move on like she was barely even bothered. The lack of reaction will deny the bullies what they wanted, and will only help your DD both gain and demonstrate a grace and maturity beyond her years.

Even telling the coach would unfortunately be showing her horrible teammates that their behavior had gotten to her, and I find that it's generally best to deny jerks any power or rewards for their behavior.

Or the jerks need to be called out in their behavior. Mean people don’t stop being mean because the current object of their attention ignores them. They just turn their efforts into someone else.

At a minimum, the leaders should be benched for a few games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would talk to coach. Honestly those kids should be kicked off the team instantly.

+1 Unsportsmanlike behavior.

At the very least they should be suspended from a few games. Or be given punishments like running laps. Something.

The coach absolutely needs to know.

[Anonymous]

You can also file a bullying report. (That’s what this is.)

[Anonymous]

DD on a sports team, and I agree, coach needs to know. Our coach is clear that team building is crucial.

Maybe the girls will get a thrill out of knowing they “got” to your daughter, but I would bet they are counting on her to stay quiet and not make a stink. No way do they want to be called out on this by the coach.