Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

OP what I am hearing in this post is a justification of the large size of your house with no acknowledgement of your good fortune, wealth, or privilege. You are the 1 percent, the super rich, etc. yet you seem very strangely unaware of this and confused why your massive house looks ostentatious and garish to others. You sound nouveau riche, to be honest. Look at what people with old money do. They acknowledge their privilege and good fortune. They buy nice and beautiful homes and not tacky McMansions. They invest well and send their children to private school. They donate to good causes and serve their communities. If your children are in public school and you live in a 15000 square foot house it is very unsurprising to me that you are having a hard time meeting similarly wealthy folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

I am not sure why you would think we don’t prioritize education. Our kids attend top public schools. We absolutely value education over anything else. DH and I come from humble beginnings and worked hard in school.

I see your $$ going to a big house, not to your children's education. Shrug. Sorry, that's just how I see it.

Plus a million. My kids would go to private school if I had this kind of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

Holy judgy judge, batman.

OP, I think the posters saying this type of thing are really jealous.

I do like the PP who stated "what does your house/wealth have to do with me?" - because that PP gets it. Not all of us are the same, and that is okay. In fact, of the friends I have, those with the biggest houses do have the best parties! They don't expect people who "live differently than them" (code for smaller house or whatever PPs are trying to get at) to reciprocate, and definitely do not "compete" in any way. The friends with the bigger houses are busy with their own lives, and are less judgy, so there is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.

Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

I am not sure why you would think we don’t prioritize education. Our kids attend top public schools. We absolutely value education over anything else. DH and I come from humble beginnings and worked hard in school.

I see your $$ going to a big house, not to your children's education. Shrug. Sorry, that's just how I see it.

Plus a million. My kids would go to private school if I had this kind of money.

What is it to you what other people do or don't do with their money? I am wondering, because some people say the opposite- why do you live in a shack, but go to private school - are you okay with classmates subsidizing your tuition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.

Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.

I am the PP to whom you were responding. Yes, I was trying to avoid the word, "sin," but that was what kept popping into my mind as I was trying to craft my response. I agree with you. To have this much wealth, and spend it in. . .. what? extra space? I hear my mother's and grandmother's voices, when they talk about something super-wasteful: "That is a SIN. A sheer SIN."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

I am not sure why you would think we don’t prioritize education. Our kids attend top public schools. We absolutely value education over anything else. DH and I come from humble beginnings and worked hard in school.

I see your $$ going to a big house, not to your children's education. Shrug. Sorry, that's just how I see it.

Plus a million. My kids would go to private school if I had this kind of money.

What is it to you what other people do or don't do with their money? I am wondering, because some people say the opposite- why do you live in a shack, but go to private school - are you okay with classmates subsidizing your tuition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.

Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.

I am the PP to whom you were responding. Yes, I was trying to avoid the word, "sin," but that was what kept popping into my mind as I was trying to craft my response. I agree with you. To have this much wealth, and spend it in. . .. what? extra space? I hear my mother's and grandmother's voices, when they talk about something super-wasteful: "That is a SIN. A sheer SIN."

Wow, now your relatives are judge and jury? Interesting. It would suck going through life your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

Holy judgy judge, batman.

OP, I think the posters saying this type of thing are really jealous.

I do like the PP who stated "what does your house/wealth have to do with me?" - because that PP gets it. Not all of us are the same, and that is okay. In fact, of the friends I have, those with the biggest houses do have the best parties! They don't expect people who "live differently than them" (code for smaller house or whatever PPs are trying to get at) to reciprocate, and definitely do not "compete" in any way. The friends with the bigger houses are busy with their own lives, and are less judgy, so there is that.

I'm not jealous. I don't want a 15,000 square foot house. That's beyond a "big house," that's an obscene amount of space for five people. I have friends with bigger houses and more wealth, and it's not an issue. But the way you choose to spend your money says a lot about your values and priorities, and having that much space says that your values and priorities are very different than mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

I am not sure why you would think we don’t prioritize education. Our kids attend top public schools. We absolutely value education over anything else. DH and I come from humble beginnings and worked hard in school.

I see your $$ going to a big house, not to your children's education. Shrug. Sorry, that's just how I see it.

Plus a million. My kids would go to private school if I had this kind of money.

You do you. If you live in a bad school district, that is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very rude of these “friends” to poke fun at your lifestyle. It would be one thing if you were bragging but clearly you’re not.[b]

I would look into private schools where you will find wealth. There will be others with large homes and many without but I don’t think you’ll be called out on it.

It’s a frustrating problem to have- though I’m sure many of us would trade places in a second!

I think owning a 15,000 sf home is basically like bragging about your wealth, though. There's nothing subtle about it.

+1

Same. Sorry, but if I saw that house + housekeeper, I would know we could not possibly be friends since we don't share the same general values.

Same. Same. It's not that I wouldn't necessarily like you or think you're a nice person, but I would definitely not feel like we could really be friends. I would never feel comfortable inviting your or your children to my average 2500 sq ft house where we have to do all the cleaning, yard work, etc. Your kids would probably be bored too.

Ok so I am not imagining it. My friend did drop me after coming over. I should hesitate to invite someone over.

The one friend I really like is a military spouse. We have hung out a few times and I really like her. She just offered me her daughter’s old raincoat and I felt grateful. This thread has confirmed that I should feel self conscious about inviting her over.

Another friend I met from a moms group and we meet up every week. We talk about sleep deprivation and things like teething. I know she doesn’t get paid help because they are saving up for home renovations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

Holy judgy judge, batman.

OP, I think the posters saying this type of thing are really jealous.

I do like the PP who stated "what does your house/wealth have to do with me?" - because that PP gets it. Not all of us are the same, and that is okay. In fact, of the friends I have, those with the biggest houses do have the best parties! They don't expect people who "live differently than them" (code for smaller house or whatever PPs are trying to get at) to reciprocate, and definitely do not "compete" in any way. The friends with the bigger houses are busy with their own lives, and are less judgy, so there is that.

I'm not jealous. I don't want a 15,000 square foot house. That's beyond a "big house," that's an obscene amount of space for five people. I have friends with bigger houses and more wealth, and it's not an issue. But the way you choose to spend your money says a lot about your values and priorities, and having that much space says that your values and priorities are very different than mine.

Highly doubtful, unless you live in a townhouse - which is probable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.

Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.

I am the PP to whom you were responding. Yes, I was trying to avoid the word, "sin," but that was what kept popping into my mind as I was trying to craft my response. I agree with you. To have this much wealth, and spend it in. . .. what? extra space? I hear my mother's and grandmother's voices, when they talk about something super-wasteful: "That is a SIN. A sheer SIN."

Wow, now your relatives are judge and jury? Interesting. It would suck going through life your way.

Hey, she just asked what we would think. I replied what *I* would think. If you, or no one else in this whole wide world, thinks this way, a-ok for you and carry on. But she asked and I replied. Now, don't try to argue with me just because you did not care for my reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

Holy judgy judge, batman.

OP, I think the posters saying this type of thing are really jealous.

I do like the PP who stated "what does your house/wealth have to do with me?" - because that PP gets it. Not all of us are the same, and that is okay. In fact, of the friends I have, those with the biggest houses do have the best parties! They don't expect people who "live differently than them" (code for smaller house or whatever PPs are trying to get at) to reciprocate, and definitely do not "compete" in any way. The friends with the bigger houses are busy with their own lives, and are less judgy, so there is that.

I'm not the PP you're quoting but I see her POV much more clearly than OP's -- I honestly cannot fathom being jealous of a person for having a 15k sq ft house. 4k, maybe -- seems like plenty of room for everyone. In my dream neighborhood? On the water? Has a pool? Big lot with a nice garden? Sure I can see being jealous of any number of things about someone's house. But a 15k sq ft house isn't something I want or even understand, and I wouldn't be jealous of it. It's like moving into an airport -- okay there's definitely room for everyone but it's not even functionally a house in my mind at that point, your kids are in their separate wings not interacting with you or each other; what's the point?

That said if OP loves it good for her, but jumping straight to "all my haters just jealous" when she came here to find out why people are uncomfortable with her display of wealth is not helpful to her at all. People are making assumptions about her values (see PP's above talking about education vs. square footage), her background, and her level of tact based on the house. She might not make any changes to her life based on that information, but at least she has it now. Just telling her "everyone's jealous of you" is not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very rude of these “friends” to poke fun at your lifestyle. It would be one thing if you were bragging but clearly you’re not.[b]

I would look into private schools where you will find wealth. There will be others with large homes and many without but I don’t think you’ll be called out on it.

It’s a frustrating problem to have- though I’m sure many of us would trade places in a second!

I think owning a 15,000 sf home is basically like bragging about your wealth, though. There's nothing subtle about it.

+1

Same. Sorry, but if I saw that house + housekeeper, I would know we could not possibly be friends since we don't share the same general values.

Same. Same. It's not that I wouldn't necessarily like you or think you're a nice person, but I would definitely not feel like we could really be friends. I would never feel comfortable inviting your or your children to my average 2500 sq ft house where we have to do all the cleaning, yard work, etc. Your kids would probably be bored too.

Ok so I am not imagining it. My friend did drop me after coming over. I should hesitate to invite someone over.

The one friend I really like is a military spouse. We have hung out a few times and I really like her. She just offered me her daughter’s old raincoat and I felt grateful. This thread has confirmed that I should feel self conscious about inviting her over.

Another friend I met from a moms group and we meet up every week. We talk about sleep deprivation and things like teething. I know she doesn’t get paid help because they are saving up for home renovations.

I agree, OP. You can see from the direction this thread is going: "I'm not jealous!!! My friends live in mansions!! Really!!" how people feel. Sad, but true. Insecurity is RAMPANT here.