Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?

[Anonymous]

I would be friends with you if we had stuff in common otherwise, and I would never gossip about you for having a large home or housekeepers. If someone did it in front of me, I’d stick up for you, because it’s no one else’s business how you spend your money and besides, who can clean 15k sq ft on your own anyway?

That all said - I would never host you at my house. Nope, hard pass. I would feel super self conscious about my standard-issue 3 bedroom townhome in the suburbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

Holy judgy judge, batman.

OP, I think the posters saying this type of thing are really jealous.

I do like the PP who stated "what does your house/wealth have to do with me?" - because that PP gets it. Not all of us are the same, and that is okay. In fact, of the friends I have, those with the biggest houses do have the best parties! They don't expect people who "live differently than them" (code for smaller house or whatever PPs are trying to get at) to reciprocate, and definitely do not "compete" in any way. The friends with the bigger houses are busy with their own lives, and are less judgy, so there is that.

I'm not the PP you're quoting but I see her POV much more clearly than OP's -- I honestly cannot fathom being jealous of a person for having a 15k sq ft house. 4k, maybe -- seems like plenty of room for everyone. In my dream neighborhood? On the water? Has a pool? Big lot with a nice garden? Sure I can see being jealous of any number of things about someone's house. But a 15k sq ft house isn't something I want or even understand, and I wouldn't be jealous of it. It's like moving into an airport -- okay there's definitely room for everyone but it's not even functionally a house in my mind at that point, your kids are in their separate wings not interacting with you or each other; what's the point?

That said if OP loves it good for her, but jumping straight to "all my haters just jealous" when she came here to find out why people are uncomfortable with her display of wealth is not helpful to her at all. People are making assumptions about her values (see PP's above talking about education vs. square footage), her background, and her level of tact based on the house. She might not make any changes to her life based on that information, but at least she has it now. Just telling her "everyone's jealous of you" is not true.

LOL. Speaking of inaccurate assumptions......

[Anonymous]

I have friends in houses ranging from condo to 6k sq ft homes. We are all varying degrees of middle class and all live semi-similar lives (i.e. saving for college, kids in daycare, PTA meetings, summer vacations to different locations, etc). I would likely be put off by a 15k household with a housekeeper and a SAH parent. It's the opulence of it that would put me off. There is no need for that large of a house unless you are showing off. And if you can afford that house, SAH and take extravagant vacations, etc, I would likely think we have nothing in common.

With that being said, if I continue to host you and have no idea about where you live and you were secretive about it, I would be put off by that too.

You will probably need to make friends that are similar to you. It will likely be the 1%. If we met as adults (ie you weren't a childhood or college friend), I probably would back away a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be friends with you if we had stuff in common otherwise, and I would never gossip about you for having a large home or housekeepers. If someone did it in front of me, I’d stick up for you, because it’s no one else’s business how you spend your money and besides, who can clean 15k sq ft on your own anyway?

That all said - I would never host you at my house. Nope, hard pass. I would feel super self conscious about my standard-issue 3 bedroom townhome in the suburbs.

That is not how it works, for the sourpuss byotches. The sourpuss byotches find something to pick at relentlessly, no matter how petty. See PPs.

[Anonymous]

If she's cool with it I'm cool with it. Wouldnt treat her any different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP, but I would think our lives are too different that we would not find that much in common to connect over.

For example, the explanation: "different areas for the different kids " jumps out at me because I purposefully have two kids sharing a small room in a bunkbed because I think it's great to share a bedroom with a sibling because it helps foster flexibility, a close relationship, etc. To purposefully design large spaces for each child goes against what is important to me.

Furthermore, the fact that you have your children in public school also jumps out at me, because just about the only thing I will spend "extra" $$ on is: education. I have both my kids in private schools and we scrimp and save to do so. Education is our highest priority so spending $$ on a large house and yet going with tax-subsidized "free" education seems like an anomaly to ME.

Holy judgy judge, batman.

OP, I think the posters saying this type of thing are really jealous.

I do like the PP who stated "what does your house/wealth have to do with me?" - because that PP gets it. Not all of us are the same, and that is okay. In fact, of the friends I have, those with the biggest houses do have the best parties! They don't expect people who "live differently than them" (code for smaller house or whatever PPs are trying to get at) to reciprocate, and definitely do not "compete" in any way. The friends with the bigger houses are busy with their own lives, and are less judgy, so there is that.

I'm not the PP you're quoting but I see her POV much more clearly than OP's -- I honestly cannot fathom being jealous of a person for having a 15k sq ft house. 4k, maybe -- seems like plenty of room for everyone. In my dream neighborhood? On the water? Has a pool? Big lot with a nice garden? Sure I can see being jealous of any number of things about someone's house. But a 15k sq ft house isn't something I want or even understand, and I wouldn't be jealous of it. It's like moving into an airport -- okay there's definitely room for everyone but it's not even functionally a house in my mind at that point, your kids are in their separate wings not interacting with you or each other; what's the point?

That said if OP loves it good for her, but jumping straight to "all my haters just jealous" when she came here to find out why people are uncomfortable with her display of wealth is not helpful to her at all. People are making assumptions about her values (see PP's above talking about education vs. square footage), her background, and her level of tact based on the house. She might not make any changes to her life based on that information, but at least she has it now. Just telling her "everyone's jealous of you" is not true.

This is me, too. I'd be jealous (and am jealous!!) of someone who lives, for example, on this really cute street on my town, where all of the houses are old and have a super-ton of character. Some are old Sears bungalows, some are stone, they are all just really neat. I LOVE homes like those. It makes me feel homey and well cared for. So, yeah, getting back to the original question: I'd think the owner of a house which OP describes would probably have different morals and values than I do, so I do not think she and I would have that much in common. Could I be chatty and bond over issues like teething or sleeping through the night? Sure. I can yack it up mom-style like the best of them, but I don't think she and I would really be simpatico, or, like Anne of Green Gables used to say, "bosom buddies."

[Anonymous]

I can get over ALL HHI differences, but honestly the home friends live in slightly more important. I don’t want to be the friend that has the yucky old house.

I live in a 230k home (outside dcum), and it’s average. I am friendly with ppl between renting (cheap) and 300k. But once you have land to do bonfires and s’mores, a pool, room for your boat, huge areas for huge parties....I feel like you’d be so bored to visit my house with a practically non-existent back yard, one living room, no huge video game set up, or what have you.

OTOH, to my friends who can’t buy right now, the fact that I can have two families visit at once, that we have a neighborhood to trick or treat in, that we have some big outdoor toys...maybe they feel like they can’t reciprocate with us.

TLDR: I think house-similarity is a closer approx to comfort in friendships, not HHI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends in houses ranging from condo to 6k sq ft homes. We are all varying degrees of middle class and all live semi-similar lives (i.e. saving for college, kids in daycare, PTA meetings, summer vacations to different locations, etc). I would likely be put off by a 15k household with a housekeeper and a SAH parent. It's the opulence of it that would put me off. There is no need for that large of a house unless you are showing off. And if you can afford that house, SAH and take extravagant vacations, etc, I would likely think we have nothing in common.

With that being said, if I continue to host you and have no idea about where you live and you were secretive about it, I would be put off by that too.

You will probably need to make friends that are similar to you. It will likely be the 1%. If we met as adults (ie you weren't a childhood or college friend), I probably would back away a bit.

I agree that most people jump to conclusions about people in large houses. Of my friends who live in large houses - we knew each other many moons ago, when we all had small houses ( I still do, in fact, we rent). We support each other, because we know each other as truly good people (who don't have to talk about how they are good people and so and so with a bigger house must not be a good person - because it is not true).

Point is, some people have too much time on their hands, OP, usually not the ones in big houses (who are working hard to pay for them). PP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

For sure we would not be friends. Just based on your overall clueless ramblings/weirdness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be friends with you if we had stuff in common otherwise, and I would never gossip about you for having a large home or housekeepers. If someone did it in front of me, I’d stick up for you, because it’s no one else’s business how you spend your money and besides, who can clean 15k sq ft on your own anyway?

That all said - I would never host you at my house. Nope, hard pass. I would feel super self conscious about my standard-issue 3 bedroom townhome in the suburbs.

That is not how it works, for the sourpuss byotches. The sourpuss byotches find something to pick at relentlessly, no matter how petty. See PPs.

I’m just saying I wouldn’t do it. It’s not my business how someone spends their money. I realize other people would by judgey/gossipy about it but I personally would not.

That said, anyone who lives in a literal mansion is not coming anywhere near my house lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

For sure we would not be friends. Just based on your overall clueless ramblings/weirdness.

[Anonymous]

To echo some of what's been said in this thread, I would not be intimidated or put-off by a mom friend with a 15,000 square foot house. But, it does say something about how she and her DH choose to spend money, and, potentially, their social background. The truly wealthy (and I know a handful, from college) might have huge estates, but they would never, ever send their children to public school. The solidly wealthy, who grew up wealthy, don't feel any need to have a 15K square foot house, and tend to be more subtle with their money. Having a 15K square foot house screams: Look at me! I have money now! in a way that's not super classy.

That said, I would totally not eliminate a mom friend for having a house that size, especially if she was open about her insecurities, or joked about the size of her home, etc. I would find that endearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To echo some of what's been said in this thread, I would not be intimidated or put-off by a mom friend with a 15,000 square foot house. But, it does say something about how she and her DH choose to spend money, and, potentially, their social background. The truly wealthy (and I know a handful, from college) might have huge estates, but they would never, ever send their children to public school. The solidly wealthy, who grew up wealthy, don't feel any need to have a 15K square foot house, and tend to be more subtle with their money. Having a 15K square foot house screams: Look at me! I have money now! in a way that's not super classy.

That said, I would totally not eliminate a mom friend for having a house that size, especially if she was open about her insecurities, or joked about the size of her home, etc. I would find that endearing.

I would not find it endearing. I would find it fakey. I'd be like, "Ok, honey, but you and your spouse DID buy this house, so don't try to pretend you had nothing to do with this." Unless you were just a passive wife, and let your husband make all the decisions about the house? And that would be offputting to me too, and also say that you and I are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I would strongly question your values and judgment if I knew you lived in such a big house. Can you explain why you do?

We have a home office, different areas for the different kids and a spacious in law suite.

Our parents are old and in bad health - cancer. The reason for the extra large home is for our parents. They may not have long to live so we want them to be comfortable and we want our own space.

Our entertaining areas, especially the baby areas, are the same as our old house. We just have new separate larger areas for the extended family and older kids. Our older kids attend public school.

Do you have like 4 sets of parents living with you? Otherwise, weird and we won’t be friends.

No one lives with us. It is just our family of five.

??????? You JUST said the space is for your parents.

For when they visit.

Again, speaking for MYself, this would be another thing that would say to me, "I disagree with this. I don't have a common way of thinking with these people." To me, the thought of so much square footage sitting empty, using $ to heat it and cool it, is so wasteful, the resources to buy it, build it, furnish it -- I cannot even believe it. The waste of environmental energy, the waste, the sheer waste.

Yup, so wasteful. I was raised to see that kind of conspicuous consumption (about half your house is empty most of the time, by design) as a sin, to be honest. And frankly, I'd figure that you were really materialistic and high maintenance and that you are totally out of touch with normal people.

And to think we bought this large house because we value our family so much.

[Anonymous]

I would but then again I Stay at home, live in a nice neighborhood and have a nice 4K foot house. It’s more about being gracious.