please tell me this won't be so bad

[Anonymous]

Treating the "severe depression, social anxiety, and agoraphobia" will help. A lot. And it's going to be hard to see the way forward until you do. Give it time, and have faith that investing in counseling and meds will pay off.

Are any of the volunteer activities more solo? Like managing the school's facebook page, any clerical work, that sort of thing?

[Anonymous]

They can't make voulenteering a 100 hours a requirement. Simply tell them both parents work. What are they going to say? You are an adult. You can make these kind of decisions. They can't "make" you do anything.

[Anonymous]

Whoa. You either need to own the choices re: school, prioritizing DH's career, and the move, or prepare to be miserable.

I am also the spouse of a field-grade, mid-to-late-career officer. Every move we've made has been a joint decision (keeping in mind that the Army can always do whatever it wants, but rarely goes quite that far), and has taken into account what I want, too, despite the fact that I earn far less than DH. That's the deal we made. If the deal you made was that you would work around your DH's military career, this was always a possibility.

However, I don't understand why you said yes to this co-op school. You haven't even tried the public schools or the base school. Is your DH required to live on post? If not, he can choose a longer commute for better access to schools. My suspicion is that you weren't thrilled with your current situation, and you've made choices that make it impossible to work but in such a way that none of it is your fault.

Military life is hard on a spouse's career, and you are truly dependent in a way a lot of people can't understand. But you are also making an awful lot of "DH says" choices here that ought to have been mutual decisions.

Are you the spouse who was living in NC and at her wits end with the job + child care b/c her DH was so busy all the time?

[Anonymous]

Drop the attitude. "Podunk" mentality is not going to help you or anyone.

There are good things anywhere. There are not-so-good things anywhere.

Find the good, mitigate the bad. Just like in New York, DC, Paris or anywhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can't make voulenteering a 100 hours a requirement. Simply tell them both parents work. What are they going to say? You are an adult. You can make these kind of decisions. They can't "make" you do anything.

Private schools can definitely make you do lots of things. Our private lets you either volunteer or buy your way out of volunteering, which is an imperfect solution, but works okay for families where both parents work outside the home.

OP - I understand that your depression is driving your unwillingness to see any solutions here, but please take some time to consider options. Some ideas,

1) Throw money at this problem - hire a driver and/or babysitter.

2) Move closer to the school and make your husband the one with the commute

3) At least try the public school. A Catholic school in a rural area is not going to be SO oversubscribed that you can't get a 1st or 2nd grade spot. That's just your anxiety telling you that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain this volunteer thing a little bit more. You are moving to a new town, and chose a school that requires 100 hours of volunteer time?

If you will be staying home, why does it matter that the boss agreed?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to unravel the question a little.

The boss basically told me to quit. I can't get a full days work in with drop-off/pick-up and this volunteer work. I can't handle the travel the job requires.

I did not choose the school. DH wanted DD to attend a Catholic school and there is only one in the area.

Ok. So you have a couple of issues, but one is that you need to tell your husband that your career matters, too. Not only does it matter because it is good for your mental health, it matters because you are person whose happiness and fulfillment is important.

So, either your husband can agree to throw money at this problem (pay someone to do drop-off and pick-up) or he can agree to public school. But one way or another, your needs and desires should not be subjugated to his in perpetuity.

I make less than half of what he does. It doesn't make sense to rock boat and insist my career matters.

Besides, it's too late.

Consider that having time to get your mental health in order is a blessing in disguise.

Do that, do things that make you happy while your child is in school, go to the gym. Then you can figure out the rest.

You can still insist on some paid outsourcing since DH won't be as available. I suggest cleaners to start, and pay someone else to deal with his uniforms too.

Maximize the time DH has with you and with your child.

It will be different, but it can be ok.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. It sounds like your biggest problem is not the 100 hours of forced volunteer work (which is an oxymoron), or even losing your job. The root of your issues is you married a dictator, who makes decisions for the family with total disregard to your wellbeing. You can't even express how you really feel and must repress your resentment. This situation is untenable until you can find your own voice and have a say in your own life. I wish you luck and clarity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are ways you can make this work to keep your job, but it sounds like you don’t want to.

100 hours a year is only 2.5 hours a week (assuming 40-week school year).

Do you work full time or part time? If full time, can you drop to 32 or 36 hours a week and then just volunteer at the school one morning each week for a few hours? If you work part time already, this volunteer requirement is nothing.

You drop off in the morning and then hire a nanny for the afternoon pick up & babysitting. Get a nanny who can work on at least some of the days your daughter is off school so you don’t have to take them all off. There is no reason your husband can’t take a few of the days off too. I work for a 3-star admiral and he takes some leave.

I was thinking the same thing. Or 8 hours (slightly more) a month. That's ONE saturday a month of volunteer work. I don't believe your boss fired you over that. Maybe because the move now means that OP can't rely on her DH at all for drop off/pick up and her job requires more than minimal travel (which she won't be able to do now that she has to drive her kid every single day)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it's gonna be bad. Sorry, OP. How can you not be resentful that all of his decisions basically destroyed your career?

Because he thinks me complaining is the same as saying I don't love him. So I don't complain and hide my resentment.

Oy. That's a great thing to discuss with your counselor.

It might be a good time to remind DH that a) you're struggling, and b) this is your life too, not just his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If DH wants her in private school, he can be the one to make the career sacrifices.

He makes too much money for that, and can retire in just a few years. So he's not going to quit now. He says I just need to hang on a bit, but for what? I've trashed my career, and there won't be any picking it back up when he retires.

That's your mental illness talking, right there.

When he retires, guess who gets to be the default parent for awhile? He does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are ways you can make this work to keep your job, but it sounds like you don’t want to.

100 hours a year is only 2.5 hours a week (assuming 40-week school year).

Do you work full time or part time? If full time, can you drop to 32 or 36 hours a week and then just volunteer at the school one morning each week for a few hours? If you work part time already, this volunteer requirement is nothing.

You drop off in the morning and then hire a nanny for the afternoon pick up & babysitting. Get a nanny who can work on at least some of the days your daughter is off school so you don’t have to take them all off. There is no reason your husband can’t take a few of the days off too. I work for a 3-star admiral and he takes some leave.

I was thinking the same thing. Or 8 hours (slightly more) a month. That's ONE saturday a month of volunteer work. I don't believe your boss fired you over that. Maybe because the move now means that OP can't rely on her DH at all for drop off/pick up and her job requires more than minimal travel (which she won't be able to do now that she has to drive her kid every single day)

The job requires some travel. Usually one domestic trip a month and a few international ones a year. I was trying not to think about losing trips to some amazing places.

The problem is, I didn't want public school either. Some of the stories I'd heard were awful (kids not being able to talk at lunch?) and we wanted a bit more freedom. I thought we'd get that with a private school. Clearly I was wrong. Yes, the volunteer work bothers me a lot. I'm an adult and I hate being told what to do. I hate menial work. Yes, I understand that we have to do things we don't want to do in life, but so far, I managed to avoid that. It's a huge shift in my way of thinking and living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can't make voulenteering a 100 hours a requirement. Simply tell them both parents work. What are they going to say? You are an adult. You can make these kind of decisions. They can't "make" you do anything.

Are you serious? They can say, "Thank you for letting us know. Unfortunately your child cannot be a student here if you aren't able to fulfill the school's requirements. We wish you luck in your next school."

[Anonymous]

The problem is, I didn't want public school either. Some of the stories I'd heard were awful (kids not being able to talk at lunch?) and we wanted a bit more freedom. I thought we'd get that with a private school. Clearly I was wrong. Yes, the volunteer work bothers me a lot. I'm an adult and I hate being told what to do. I hate menial work.

You are making decisions based on rumours. Have you talked to anyone who used the public school in your new city?

As for the volunteer work, and I say this as a Catholic school alumna, that's how they keep the costs down. All the things that an independent or public school would pay people to do? Those are done by parents in some religious schools. Cleaning duty? Envelope stuffing? Auction planning? Library management? Recess aides? Those are all things the school would need to pay someone to do, but instead they have parent "volunteer" requirements.

It may not work for your schedule, and I think you should look at the public school if it doesn't, but the reason they are telling you to do menial work is because that's why the school is only $10K a year or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had to quit the job I've been with through 6 moves and 17 years. DD starts kindergarten a few weeks from now, and her school requires the parents do 100 hours of volunteer work a year.

What is your career/professional expertise? Whatever it is, surely there is a way for the new school to capitalize on that. There's no requirement that you show up and be a playground monitor or cafeteria aide. Figure out how you can do your old "job" in this new setting. Find a way to make it fulfilling. I left a professional career, but honestly, all the things that made me successful at that are the same things that fulfill me in my volunteer capacity. There are plenty of places to put your professional experience to work in an educational environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The problem is, I didn't want public school either. Some of the stories I'd heard were awful (kids not being able to talk at lunch?) and we wanted a bit more freedom. I thought we'd get that with a private school. Clearly I was wrong. Yes, the volunteer work bothers me a lot. I'm an adult and I hate being told what to do. I hate menial work.

You are making decisions based on rumours. Have you talked to anyone who used the public school in your new city?

As for the volunteer work, and I say this as a Catholic school alumna, that's how they keep the costs down. All the things that an independent or public school would pay people to do? Those are done by parents in some religious schools. Cleaning duty? Envelope stuffing? Auction planning? Library management? Recess aides? Those are all things the school would need to pay someone to do, but instead they have parent "volunteer" requirements.

It may not work for your schedule, and I think you should look at the public school if it doesn't, but the reason they are telling you to do menial work is because that's why the school is only $10K a year or whatever.

I'd rather pay more. I'd pay twice more. Cleaning duty? I don't even clean my own house. I KNOW how that sounds, but I feel like a child now, with chores and stuff (I had a miserable childhood, so I actually have a physical reaction to this kind of thing, which yes, I'm working through in therapy, but not fast enough to be happy about this).