Adult Daughter Situation - What Would You Do?

[Anonymous]

Did you buy the table? That table is yours if so. I think your kids need a wake up call when it comes to privilege.

I once store furniture and clothes I had bought at my parents and my mother unpacked all the boxes and went through everything and gave some of my belongings away. I stored it between moves that I also paid for myself. That was egregious on my parents part.

What you did was fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't jump to such a dramatic reaction. Let things calm down.

Sucker....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, one situation (table) does not have anything to do with the other (housing). Separate them out.

The table situation and the associated reaction could have been a knee jerk reaction because your DD had a bad day at work, they might have been on their period, etc. It happens.

Your issue is around the living situation and how to make a break while maintaining a working relationship.

#1) You need to realize that there will be periods of discomfort to both parties as you walk down this path.
#2) Discomfort leads to growth. You sound like a swell DH and Father but it seems to me (and I don't know you from a hill of beans) that you don't like making your DD's uncomfortable (you've made their lives easy, at least it sounds easy to most of us). By encouraging your girls to move out, perhaps before they are ready, you will be making them uncomfortable. There needs to be a level of discomfort or pain which will help them to grow.
#3) You don't mention your DW and what her opinion is. You probably already know this but it's good for both you and DW to be on the same page and both hold the line on whatever you decide (move out, charge rent, etc). If DW concedes, then you are the bad guy (3 girls vs 1 guy) and that won't end up well for anyone.
#4) To ensure that you maintain a healthy relationship, keep the lines of communication open. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad communication, as long as there is a steady cadence. The moment communication stops is when the relationship deteriorates.
#5) I like a PP's idea of charging a nominal amount for rent and then placing it in a savings account for them. This will teach them to budget properly. You could use those funds to help out with a downpayment on a car, house, etc. It's up to you as to whether you want to tell them about it or not. I would bring it up and see if you can both agree to where, what and how to use those dollars. Don't charge them for food and magically, they will probably show up to more home cooked meals rather than eating out since "rent" will impact their spending money.
#6) Not sure if this is the case but it seems that one DD is your problem (older one probably). The younger one probably is influenced by the older one. I wouldn't be surprised if you would be willing to have your younger DD live at home but you wanted your older one to move out. Whatever the case is, you need to apply a consistent set of rules across both girls.

For whatever it's worth, you do sound like a loving Father and I wish I had a dad like you. I certainly wouldn't have responded like your DD did and would have been grateful for the huge head start in life you've provided, and are providing, to your girls (your older one probably thinks she hit a triple in life rather than being born on third).

Good luck!

This is ridiculous. The girls are spoiled and entitled and they should move out otherwise it will continue.
You should never have agreed to it in the first place, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our solution was to have DD prequalify for a mortgage she could afford on her own. She found a condo well below that amount. We put up the minimum amount to get her through closing (about $50,000) and now she’s on her own. Her mortgage payment is almost $1000 less than rent would be and now she’s able to save some money. It kept sanity in our relationships and we paid less than a year of her college bills. Nice if it works.

Also ridiculous. So - no one lets their kids grow up on their own anymore? $50,000??? I hope this grown up woman paid the taxes on that huge gift like she was legally required to.
Even if I had an extra $50,000 laying around I wouldn’t be giving it to my kid to ‘keep sanity in our relationship’ or any other reason except for maybe lifesaving medical treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our solution was to have DD prequalify for a mortgage she could afford on her own. She found a condo well below that amount. We put up the minimum amount to get her through closing (about $50,000) and now she’s on her own. Her mortgage payment is almost $1000 less than rent would be and now she’s able to save some money. It kept sanity in our relationships and we paid less than a year of her college bills. Nice if it works.

Also ridiculous. So - no one lets their kids grow up on their own anymore? $50,000??? I hope this grown up woman paid the taxes on that huge gift like she was legally required to.
Even if I had an extra $50,000 laying around I wouldn’t be giving it to my kid to ‘keep sanity in our relationship’ or any other reason except for maybe lifesaving medical treatment.

+1

So you paid 50k for her to still like you. Congrats.

[Anonymous]

I'd have a talk with them and tell them that this living arrangement isn't working out, and that they have six months to figure something else out. In the meantime, you can't cook for them any more if they are going to be ungrateful, but they can have a shelf in the fridge to store whatever food they want to purchase for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Here is what my husband parents did years and years ago that I thought was pretty smart. They charged him a nominal rent that they put into a savings account for him without letting him know about the account initially. They made it clear what the rent covered - room, utilities, family meals on weekends (on own for weekdays and any snacks/extras). Upon moving out, he was informed that they money was there for him, but they said it should go toward his first home purchase. It wasn't much, but the extra 10k did help when we bought our first place a few years ago.

Paying rent helps teach responsibility. It also doesn't cause harsh fights that kicking them out/evicting would. They may not want to pay rent and may want to move out, which is also fine. At the age they are, they need to learn the value of money and hard work.

[Anonymous]

They have jobs and an education. They now have 60 days to find theifbown place or an eviction notice will be served. In the meantimr, $200/month for food and utilities. They are leeches and it is your fault.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, this issue of entitlement is one you needed to deal with many years ago because you "reap what you sow". Now you need to draw a firm line in the sand and establish a clear set of rules and boundaries for what you expect from them now that they are back living at home as young adults. If they don't like the rules they can move out. And please....don't pay their rent.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t they find roommates like everyone else OP? They are in their 20s, roommates are appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t they find roommates like everyone else OP? They are in their 20s, roommates are appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I'd have a little sit down talk with them. Don't bring up the table again. But lay it out for them that you are providing free room and board while they get on their feet. Then lay out a new rent payment plan. Even if you start at a few hundred dollars a month, they should be able to save money and pay that. Then start the transfer of other bills over to them to too (like cell phone, car insurance, etc). It doesn't have to be all at once, but over the next year.

The idea is to still be a soft spot for them to land during a hugely transitional time in their lives, while also encouraging them to WANT to get out on their own.

During this sit down, ask them for ideas on how this living situation can live well for all of you. They are adults, so allow them to help you problem solve.

Don't use your financial help as a way to attempt to emotionally manipulate them. That's not a recipe for a healthy long term relationship. You gave that help because you wanted to, not because your kid's asked for it. Own that and don't use it against them.

[Anonymous]

Two sisters should easily be able to afford to share an apartment, even in Loudoun County (if that's the county to which you refer as being one of the richest).

My partner and I share an apartment in Loudoun that's $1800/month (some utilities incl'd). If that's not doable, then they need to branch out and look at renting a room in a house. I did that before with 3 others and my rent was $725/month with utilities included.

Will any of these options be the same as the nice house they are currently living in rent free? Nope, but that's what you do in your 20s.

Or you move out of this high COL area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what my husband parents did years and years ago that I thought was pretty smart. They charged him a nominal rent that they put into a savings account for him without letting him know about the account initially. They made it clear what the rent covered - room, utilities, family meals on weekends (on own for weekdays and any snacks/extras). Upon moving out, he was informed that they money was there for him, but they said it should go toward his first home purchase. It wasn't much, but the extra 10k did help when we bought our first place a few years ago.

Paying rent helps teach responsibility. It also doesn't cause harsh fights that kicking them out/evicting would. They may not want to pay rent and may want to move out, which is also fine. At the age they are, they need to learn the value of money and hard work.

I like this idea. They definitely need to learn some responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She learned overreacting from you.

Oh, come on. Very stupid answer.