Adult Daughter Situation - What Would You Do?

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing the answer to my question is pretty obvious but I'd love to hear suggestions or comments.

BACKGOUND - Both adult daughters living back at home after graduating from college last year. Both have decent jobs and pay but we live in one of the most expensive counties in the US so finding a place to rent they can afford is nearly impossible. We don't charge them any rent or food costs, basically they live care free at our home still in hopes that they can save money for future living/housing costs. As the parents we also paid 100% of the college costs including apartment rent and car (used). Since moving back home the college apartment furniture has been storied in our garage collecting dust and cat hair.

SITUATION - My wife and I were looking for a small table to place a printer on in our office so we thought we'd temporarily use one of our daughters small tables that was stored in the garage that we had purchased for college. The minute we brought it into the house she flipped out and said we should have asked permission first before using her table. Needless to say I was stunned at such a stupid response seeing that she use's EVERYTHING in our house without question. To make matters worse after this argument she decides that her and her sister don't like what we're cooking for dinner so they go out and get takeout food. This of course pisses me off even more after spending the time and money to cook a Sunday night dinner.

Needless to say it's time they move out and face the real world. I'd just like them to do this without destroying the family relationship.

[Anonymous]

Give them an eviction notice for the end of the month, immediately. And keep any furniture you bought them that is in the storage unit. Your daughters are horribly spoiled (your fault). From now until they move out stop buying them any food.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't jump to such a dramatic reaction. Let things calm down.

[Anonymous]

Start charging rent (below market), but still charge something.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I pray this is not me in 18 years.

Also, do you keep your cats in the garage?

[Anonymous]

Start charging them a nominal rent.

Give them notice to get a storage solution for their items that they can pay the storage fee.

Talk to them openly about being entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't jump to such a dramatic reaction. Let things calm down.

This is not a 9 yr old. These are ADULTS, who are at least 21 or 22. They are completely unappreciative of what OP has been giving them. I had to buy my own car, I had to work throughout high school and apply for financial aid and work during college to afford it. And when I moved home after graduating? My parents charged me rent. When they needed to borrow my hatchback to transport something I said of course. It's like these two women didn't learn that "family" means you help each other when you can. It's not like OP wants to wear the daughters shirts for a mud-run and a jello fight. It's a table, to set something on. It won't wear out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't jump to such a dramatic reaction. Let things calm down.

+1 their behavior is bad and over the top but if you react in kind, it will only make the situation worse.

Once you've calmed down, sit them down and lay out for them how much monetary support you've provided and are continuing to provide for them and how their behavior was inappropriate. Right now, they don't value what you're doing because until now, it was just expected that you'd support them. It likely hasn't clicked for them yet that they're adults now, real adults (no matter what is said about "adultolescence" in pop culture) so they need to be grateful for the help they're getting.

[Anonymous]

You should have asked to use it.

You and they are blowing it way out of proportion.

It's fine to get takeout/stop making them dinners.

It's time for them to move out. Give them a reasonable time frame (3-6 months) and send them on their way. You want to treat them like kids (they're not) and they want to be treated like full-fledged contributing members of the household (they're not). This will only lead to resentment down the road. It will be a harder start for them than they anticipated, but such is life.

[Anonymous]

Stop cooking for them, ask them to buy their own groceries and tell them if they have more tantrums like that, they are to move out and find their own place.

[Anonymous]

She learned overreacting from you.

[Anonymous]

Start charging rent. And let them buy and prepare their own meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't jump to such a dramatic reaction. Let things calm down.

This is not a 9 yr old. These are ADULTS, who are at least 21 or 22. They are completely unappreciative of what OP has been giving them. I had to buy my own car, I had to work throughout high school and apply for financial aid and work during college to afford it. And when I moved home after graduating? My parents charged me rent. When they needed to borrow my hatchback to transport something I said of course. It's like these two women didn't learn that "family" means you help each other when you can. It's not like OP wants to wear the daughters shirts for a mud-run and a jello fight. It's a table, to set something on. It won't wear out!

The problem is OP didn't give the daughters a chance to say "of course". They're not appreciative (it would be fine to discuss them moving out) but he didn't have the right to just grab their stuff. Both are true.

[Anonymous]

I would at least charge for food and utilities. Are they at least paying their own car insurance?

I probably would have asked about the table, but would also be tougher on them on the terms of them living with you.

[Anonymous]

If they can afford to buy takeout they can afford to pay nominal rent and also pay for a storage unit so you can have the use of your garage. You are enabling selfish behavior. Time to insist they grow up.

Sit down and spell out your expectations. Then write them out and sign a contract.