Adult Daughter Situation - What Would You Do?

[Anonymous]

Ask them to come with a plan to become independent within three months. You are frustrated because there is no end date in sight, and they do not appreciate the support they are being provided. Time for them to launch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about the table.

+1000

So, when things are calm, there need to be some serious discussions because this arrangement isn't working for anyone in the family.

There are many paths going forward, and many levels of assistance you might choose to give or not give.

I would worry about respect and decency.

a) I suspect there was some violation of privacy when you took the table that you might not fully understand. It might or might not be legit, but you don't know because of the yelling.
b) The dinner thing was ridiculous. You don't walk out once the food is cooked.


I wouldn't let a table/not-really-the-table be the last straw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about the table.

+1000

So, when things are calm, there need to be some serious discussions because this arrangement isn't working for anyone in the family.

There are many paths going forward, and many levels of assistance you might choose to give or not give.

I would worry about respect and decency.

a) I suspect there was some violation of privacy when you took the table that you might not fully understand. It might or might not be legit, but you don't know because of the yelling.
b) The dinner thing was ridiculous. You don't walk out once the food is cooked.


I wouldn't let a table/not-really-the-table be the last straw.

This was always an issue when I lived in my parents' house. I lived there for a semester after graduating college while waiting for my best friend to finish an extra semester and then we were going to move in together. My parents had no respect for my privacy and thought they could just go through whatever they wanted, like my computer or my bank accounts. I remember I once paid for a subscription to something online with my debit card that my parents' wouldn't have approved of and when they brought it up I felt violated. I realized they had access to my bank account and could see deposits and withdrawals. I went straight to the bank and took them off of the account. Maybe there was something stored out there with her stuff that she didn't want you to see.

I had met my now husband by that time and he was encouraging me to stay in my parents' house to save up money instead of moving out, but I couldn't live as an adult feeling like I had no privacy so I didn't care how poor I would be--I moved out when my friend finished school. I had very little fun money, but it was 100% worth it to me.

I agree it's not about the table--but maybe this will be the impetus for them to finally move out. If not, start charging for rent and expenses. They can't have everything.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't kick them out. It's too drastic, and they will hate you for it.
Just create house rules, charge rent, and enforce them after having a sit down talk with both of them. If they don't like it, they can move out on their own accord.

Normally, it's just one kid who acts out. In your case, there are two. It's not too late for you to change your parenting way. It's still love, but it's tough love which they seem to need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start charging them a nominal rent.

Give them notice to get a storage solution for their items that they can pay the storage fee.

Talk to them openly about being entitled.

This.

And if you don't already do this, hire a cleaning service and making sure they pay half the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't kick them out. It's too drastic, and they will hate you for it.
Just create house rules, charge rent, and enforce them after having a sit down talk with both of them. If they don't like it, they can move out on their own accord.

Normally, it's just one kid who acts out. In your case, there are two. It's not too late for you to change your parenting way. It's still love, but it's tough love which they seem to need it.

So they should be allowed to stay with their parents for how long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing the answer to my question is pretty obvious but I'd love to hear suggestions or comments.

BACKGOUND - Both adult daughters living back at home after graduating from college last year. Both have decent jobs and pay but we live in one of the most expensive counties in the US so finding a place to rent they can afford is nearly impossible. We don't charge them any rent or food costs, basically they live care free at our home still in hopes that they can save money for future living/housing costs. As the parents we also paid 100% of the college costs including apartment rent and car (used). Since moving back home the college apartment furniture has been storied in our garage collecting dust and cat hair.

SITUATION - My wife and I were looking for a small table to place a printer on in our office so we thought we'd temporarily use one of our daughters small tables that was stored in the garage that we had purchased for college. The minute we brought it into the house she flipped out and said we should have asked permission first before using her table. Needless to say I was stunned at such a stupid response seeing that she use's EVERYTHING in our house without question. To make matters worse after this argument she decides that her and her sister don't like what we're cooking for dinner so they go out and get takeout food. This of course pisses me off even more after spending the time and money to cook a Sunday night dinner.

Needless to say it's time they move out and face the real world. I'd just like them to do this without destroying the family relationship.


I don't believe this. They have full-time jobs. They just want a lifestyle they can't afford. Time for them to leave the nest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two sisters should easily be able to afford to share an apartment, even in Loudoun County (if that's the county to which you refer as being one of the richest).

My partner and I share an apartment in Loudoun that's $1800/month (some utilities incl'd). If that's not doable, then they need to branch out and look at renting a room in a house. I did that before with 3 others and my rent was $725/month with utilities included.

Will any of these options be the same as the nice house they are currently living in rent free? Nope, but that's what you do in your 20s.

Or you move out of this high COL area.

We live in an area where a 2 bedroom Apt. goes for at least $2,500. plus we had a fire in our area that destroyed thousands of homes so there’s almost place available to rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't kick them out. It's too drastic, and they will hate you for it.
Just create house rules, charge rent, and enforce them after having a sit down talk with both of them. If they don't like it, they can move out on their own accord.

Normally, it's just one kid who acts out. In your case, there are two. It's not too late for you to change your parenting way. It's still love, but it's tough love which they seem to need it.

So they should be allowed to stay with their parents for how long?

Both kids acting out together suggests it isn't the table.

The girls may be entitled, naive or brats, but it may also be the case that the parents are doing something upsetting and do not understand what they are doing. If this is the case (which seems likely to me given the description of a small action leading to an enormous outburst) then whatever the parents are doing they will do again and again. Even after the girls move out.

The goal here, OP, isn't to be right but to make sure you still have daughters who love you five years from now. That doesn't mean being a doormat, or tolerating spoiled kids, but it does mean figuring out your role iwhatever happened.

Too many of the "throw the daughters out" answers are adversarial. That won't win you anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about the table.

+1000

So, when things are calm, there need to be some serious discussions because this arrangement isn't working for anyone in the family.

There are many paths going forward, and many levels of assistance you might choose to give or not give.

I would worry about respect and decency.

a) I suspect there was some violation of privacy when you took the table that you might not fully understand. It might or might not be legit, but you don't know because of the yelling.
b) The dinner thing was ridiculous. You don't walk out once the food is cooked.


I wouldn't let a table/not-really-the-table be the last straw.

This was always an issue when I lived in my parents' house. I lived there for a semester after graduating college while waiting for my best friend to finish an extra semester and then we were going to move in together. My parents had no respect for my privacy and thought they could just go through whatever they wanted, like my computer or my bank accounts. I remember I once paid for a subscription to something online with my debit card that my parents' wouldn't have approved of and when they brought it up I felt violated. I realized they had access to my bank account and could see deposits and withdrawals. I went straight to the bank and took them off of the account. Maybe there was something stored out there with her stuff that she didn't want you to see.

I had met my now husband by that time and he was encouraging me to stay in my parents' house to save up money instead of moving out, but I couldn't live as an adult feeling like I had no privacy so I didn't care how poor I would be--I moved out when my friend finished school. I had very little fun money, but it was 100% worth it to me.

I agree it's not about the table--but maybe this will be the impetus for them to finally move out. If not, start charging for rent and expenses. They can't have everything.

This is what I think is going on too. Does the table have a drawer? Maybe that's where she stored her weed or condoms or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about the table.

+1000

So, when things are calm, there need to be some serious discussions because this arrangement isn't working for anyone in the family.

There are many paths going forward, and many levels of assistance you might choose to give or not give.

I would worry about respect and decency.

a) I suspect there was some violation of privacy when you took the table that you might not fully understand. It might or might not be legit, but you don't know because of the yelling.
b) The dinner thing was ridiculous. You don't walk out once the food is cooked.


I wouldn't let a table/not-really-the-table be the last straw.

This was always an issue when I lived in my parents' house. I lived there for a semester after graduating college while waiting for my best friend to finish an extra semester and then we were going to move in together. My parents had no respect for my privacy and thought they could just go through whatever they wanted, like my computer or my bank accounts. I remember I once paid for a subscription to something online with my debit card that my parents' wouldn't have approved of and when they brought it up I felt violated. I realized they had access to my bank account and could see deposits and withdrawals. I went straight to the bank and took them off of the account. Maybe there was something stored out there with her stuff that she didn't want you to see.

I had met my now husband by that time and he was encouraging me to stay in my parents' house to save up money instead of moving out, but I couldn't live as an adult feeling like I had no privacy so I didn't care how poor I would be--I moved out when my friend finished school. I had very little fun money, but it was 100% worth it to me.

I agree it's not about the table--but maybe this will be the impetus for them to finally move out. If not, start charging for rent and expenses. They can't have everything.

This is what I think is going on too. Does the table have a drawer? Maybe that's where she stored her weed or condoms or something.

You know what solves this? Daughter getting her own place full of her own things that no one can access but her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's not about the table.

+1000

So, when things are calm, there need to be some serious discussions because this arrangement isn't working for anyone in the family.

There are many paths going forward, and many levels of assistance you might choose to give or not give.

I would worry about respect and decency.

a) I suspect there was some violation of privacy when you took the table that you might not fully understand. It might or might not be legit, but you don't know because of the yelling.
b) The dinner thing was ridiculous. You don't walk out once the food is cooked.


I wouldn't let a table/not-really-the-table be the last straw.

This was always an issue when I lived in my parents' house. I lived there for a semester after graduating college while waiting for my best friend to finish an extra semester and then we were going to move in together. My parents had no respect for my privacy and thought they could just go through whatever they wanted, like my computer or my bank accounts. I remember I once paid for a subscription to something online with my debit card that my parents' wouldn't have approved of and when they brought it up I felt violated. I realized they had access to my bank account and could see deposits and withdrawals. I went straight to the bank and took them off of the account. Maybe there was something stored out there with her stuff that she didn't want you to see.

I had met my now husband by that time and he was encouraging me to stay in my parents' house to save up money instead of moving out, but I couldn't live as an adult feeling like I had no privacy so I didn't care how poor I would be--I moved out when my friend finished school. I had very little fun money, but it was 100% worth it to me.

I agree it's not about the table--but maybe this will be the impetus for them to finally move out. If not, start charging for rent and expenses. They can't have everything.

This is what I think is going on too. Does the table have a drawer? Maybe that's where she stored her weed or condoms or something.

You know what solves this? Daughter getting her own place full of her own things that no one can access but her.

Yes, that does solve it. But you know what it doesn't solve? The real issue between these parents and their daughters. I don't know about you, but I won't consider my son's "launching" a success unless he still wanted me in his life, somehow.

My mom misses me every day and I am more distant than she would like. Her version of how we got here would probably include "my daughter just got so prickly and pulled away no matter what I did". My version is "my mom was like a bulldozer and I am more distant now because I don't let myself be bulldozed." Doesn't matter which tale is true. What matters is, I'm happy that we are not remotely close and my mom is most definitely not.

Long run, OP. Focus on that, and not whether the daughters are annoying today.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the replies, but I'll add my own experience moving home after graduating in basically the same situation (sans sister). I would have thought I was being super respectful, but my parents finally had to say "hey, we need you to start buying your own groceries, your own booze, etc." and it took that to realize I was mindlessly taking advantage of them and treating it like a resort because that was the default way of living that I had known in that house from when I was younger. They could easily afford to pay for all my amenities, but it was about taking personal responsibility and I might have had a similar response as OP's daughter in the moment without thinking about the overall optics of the situation. I would suggest having an open conversation about expectations and the path toward moving out. Sometimes, despite everyone's best intentions, we don't realize the things that really bug others until we share space with them and it's a whole new dynamic when children become adults and have to forge a new type of relationship with their parents. So OP, you're not wrong to think "what the hell?" but you can also take this in a positive direction for everyone with open and honest communication.

[Anonymous]

Op, I wouldn't be afraid to speak these words, " I was a little stunned at your response seeing that you use EVERYTHING in our house without question"

It's a factual statement. Adults have to learn not to walk on egg shells around each other. Your DD isn't. You shouldn't. Why is she special? She isn't. You are all adults.

I'm going to guess that part of the reason they are living at home is, "you know best" ... we do, as parents, but it may not be the right approach. Maybe better if they live in a hovel which they can afford (and you wouldn't really approve of, if asked) Better to live where they can afford and if they can't manage, that leads them to settle elsewhere, elsewhere in the country that's less expensive.

[Anonymous]

time for them to hit the road. Nobody says they have to live in a community that they can not afford at the present time.
Time for dose of reality. At the very least i would charge them rent, board, storage fees. no less than 30% of what they take in gross. ( bet you are paying car insurance also) Renting them out will also give you a tax break.