Adult Daughter Situation - What Would You Do?

[Anonymous]

How about charging the rent but putting the money in a "savings" account that they can use to help them move. It will teach them how to budget and ensure they are saving enough as well as help them to launch from the nest sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about charging the rent but putting the money in a "savings" account that they can use to help them move. It will teach them how to budget and ensure they are saving enough as well as help them to launch from the nest sooner.

They've been living rent free with good paying jobs for a year and don't have any student loans. How much more of a launching pad can they possibly need?

OP don't overreact and throw them out this weekend over a table and some takeout. But sit them down and tell them they need to be looking for a place to live and they've got [X] more months of the gravy train. They can move in to an apartment together and split the costs.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not about the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about charging the rent but putting the money in a "savings" account that they can use to help them move. It will teach them how to budget and ensure they are saving enough as well as help them to launch from the nest sooner.

They've been living rent free with good paying jobs for a year and don't have any student loans. How much more of a launching pad can they possibly need?

OP don't overreact and throw them out this weekend over a table and some takeout. But sit them down and tell them they need to be looking for a place to live and they've got [X] more months of the gravy train. They can move in to an apartment together and split the costs.

Agree with all of this. And if they can't afford an apartment together splitting the costs, or adding a third roommate, then maybe it's not a realistic place financially for them to begin their career lives, and they should move to a lower cost of living area.

[Anonymous]

I mean I know it's en vogue to move in with the parents post graduation and parents encourage it now so kids can save and buy a place asap but give me a break. You only learn the value of a dollar when it is YOUR dollar. I did NOT treat my parents' money like I treat my own.

Time for them to learn what it's like to live in a HCOL area and make their paycheck pay the rent and the cell phone (bet they're on your plan right?) and utilities and car insurance and oh yeah, saving something if they ever want to be able to buy. Can't tell if they graduated in 2017 or 2018 but if it's 2017, they've gotten a 13 month head start along with no student debt -- you keep babying them and they'll be 28 and still in your home arguing with you about THEIR table. And LOL -- I'd point out that nothing is THEIRS unless it was paid for by their own $$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing the answer to my question is pretty obvious but I'd love to hear suggestions or comments.

BACKGOUND - Both adult daughters living back at home after graduating from college last year. Both have decent jobs and pay but we live in one of the most expensive counties in the US so finding a place to rent they can afford is nearly impossible. We don't charge them any rent or food costs, basically they live care free at our home still in hopes that they can save money for future living/housing costs. As the parents we also paid 100% of the college costs including apartment rent and car (used). Since moving back home the college apartment furniture has been storied in our garage collecting dust and cat hair.

SITUATION - My wife and I were looking for a small table to place a printer on in our office so we thought we'd temporarily use one of our daughters small tables that was stored in the garage that we had purchased for college. The minute we brought it into the house she flipped out and said we should have asked permission first before using her table. Needless to say I was stunned at such a stupid response seeing that she use's EVERYTHING in our house without question. To make matters worse after this argument she decides that her and her sister don't like what we're cooking for dinner so they go out and get takeout food. This of course pisses me off even more after spending the time and money to cook a Sunday night dinner.

Needless to say it's time they move out and face the real world. I'd just like them to do this without destroying the family relationship.

Well, as a parent of similar aged kids, I'd have asked before I used the table, but my kids would've just said, sure, or offered to carry it in for me. Regardless of their living situation, you should treat them like adults, since you'd like them to behave that way. Don't tie it to their 'bad attitude' or behavior when you sit down to talk with them about moving out, I'm sure that they would love to be independent and are under more stress than you realize living in your home and being treated like children again. Set a firm deadline and offer whatever assistance you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I pray this is not me in 18 years.

Also, do you keep your cats in the garage?

No, they simply hang out there when not in the house or back yard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have asked to use it.

You and they are blowing it way out of proportion.

It's fine to get takeout/stop making them dinners.

It's time for them to move out. Give them a reasonable time frame (3-6 months) and send them on their way. You want to treat them like kids (they're not) and they want to be treated like full-fledged contributing members of the household (they're not). This will only lead to resentment down the road. It will be a harder start for them than they anticipated, but such is life.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't jump to such a dramatic reaction. Let things calm down.

This is not a 9 yr old. These are ADULTS, who are at least 21 or 22. They are completely unappreciative of what OP has been giving them. I had to buy my own car, I had to work throughout high school and apply for financial aid and work during college to afford it. And when I moved home after graduating? My parents charged me rent. When they needed to borrow my hatchback to transport something I said of course. It's like these two women didn't learn that "family" means you help each other when you can. It's not like OP wants to wear the daughters shirts for a mud-run and a jello fight. It's a table, to set something on. It won't wear out!

They are daughters not sons. OP you should apologize for your misogynistic behavior.

[Anonymous]

You should have asked before you used the table. Your daughters will probably move out over this. Then you will miss them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should have asked before you used the table. Your daughters will probably move out over this. Then you will miss them.

Pulleeez

[Anonymous]

Thanks and I agree with most of the comments. Yes, they now pay for both newer car's plus insurance pus cell phone bill, etc... And it's not really about the table although I am the one that bought it in the first place. Funny thing is, when she was telling us we needed to ask permission to use it, she was using our washing machine and dryer without asking also!

As for food, we still have to take into account what each will or won't eat every time we cook, yes just like little kids. And no, I don't think at the last minute anyone should decide to go get takeout when we've already been lead to believe they were eating with us.

They currently save a lot of their money so that's why we don't charge them anything. We don't need the rent/food money but as long as they save it for future living expenses we're ok with that. Them spending it on drinking and partying would be a different story.

[Anonymous]

They did not become entitled and disrespectful overnight. You cultivated this over many many years OP. It’s fine to call a family meeting and introduce new household rules, but don’t expect them to be mind readers. You have enabled them for a long time.

[Anonymous]

A classic case of affluenza.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing you and your wife paid for that table? Time to start treating them as adults, they clearly have no clue how to do that, be adults. However, given that they are both such adult brats, and thinking that you do want to have a good relationship with them in the future and know your grandkids, take it a bit slow. Given the fact that they are entitled and immature it wouldn't surprise me that they might cut off contact to you if you present an ultimatum. Sadly, this is pretty common in this area.