Divorce side affects on DD

[Anonymous]

It sounds OP like you are stuck until the youngest kid turns 18. This is no different than many many women I know. And there’s tons of threads here on DCUM where women are staying in abusive relationships to protect the kids. Like them, you can either stay or go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

You can't "fix" a spouse who has mental health problems. They can't even fix those problems themselves; they can't just say "OK, I have decided not to be mentally ill now". Often they don't even believe they are mentally ill.

You also can't fix someone who simply lacks affection or desire for you. You cannot control it. Neither can they. If they don't feel affection or desire, they can't just decide to feel those things.

Did anyone grow up with parents who showed each other no affection? How did that affect you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

You can't "fix" a spouse who has mental health problems. They can't even fix those problems themselves; they can't just say "OK, I have decided not to be mentally ill now". Often they don't even believe they are mentally ill.

You also can't fix someone who simply lacks affection or desire for you. You cannot control it. Neither can they. If they don't feel affection or desire, they can't just decide to feel those things.

Did anyone grow up with parents who showed each other no affection? How did that affect you?

It does not appear to have affect my oldest. They seem to be in a loving relationship. My youngest also seems to also be affectionate. Really only time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

You can't "fix" a spouse who has mental health problems. They can't even fix those problems themselves; they can't just say "OK, I have decided not to be mentally ill now". Often they don't even believe they are mentally ill.

You also can't fix someone who simply lacks affection or desire for you. You cannot control it. Neither can they. If they don't feel affection or desire, they can't just decide to feel those things.

Did anyone grow up with parents who showed each other no affection? How did that affect you?

It does not appear to have affect my oldest. They seem to be in a loving relationship. My youngest also seems to also be affectionate. Really only time will tell.

+1, my parents weren't super affectionate. I am and have a very different relationship with my husband than my parents had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

It is interesting when people suggest that I can just “fix” my broken marriage. I suggested that DW get help for her depression.. she said no. Topic of Divorce came up.. she still said no. Would I like to find a partner and friend to spread the rest of my life with YES. My current DW has demonstrated that she does not want to be that person. I am concerned that if I was not living in the house... who would do laundry, dishes and all of the task that I do.. DW would have to come out of her room more to do things.. I do not see how my marriage is fixable. Help me understand what a “fixed” marriage looks like.

You are not willing to fix your marriage by working on it and rebuilding your relationship with her. Depression isn't the issue, your relationship is. My husband has untreated depression. Its not an issue and we are both supportive of the other's health issue. Bottomline is you are either having an affair or planning to have one and want to blame her as a justification.

So very judgmental person.. SEVERAl times we have had talks and tried to make things “better”. She always stops putting an effort in. The last time when I wanted a divorce she tried more than before to improve and it lasted maybe 3 months.. but then it goes back into the same bs. I am approaching the age that my father was when he died. So a driver from my side is that I only have so much time. I want to find a friend and partner that loves me and so me affection to share the rest of my life with. I get no hugs. When I try to hug my DW.. she roles her eyes and does not hug back. If you think that I have not tried to “fix” my marriage based on your description.. you are wrong. I have been on the front lines of this bs and live iit every day. I have tried several different strategies and tactics.. The Loneliness and affectionless sexless marriage continued.. when I brought up divorce... she was shocked because she seems fine with it. So recalibrate your perseption of my reality.

There is far more to this story than what you are say and there is probably a reason why she doesn't want you to touch her. You are very very selfish just based on your posts. You are probably having an affair and justifying leaving your wife. Do her and your kids a favor and leave already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced while I was in high school. While I had a room at my dad's house I appreciated he didn't insist on me shuttling back and forth. I stayed with my mom through high school and ended up staying with my dad when I came home from college to visit.

If you minimize disruption to kid and don't trash each other it's not end of the world

What you describe is what I would like to do. But I am concerned about their mother’s reaction. The best part of my marriage are our two incredible kids. I have a feeling that they know or sense what will happen. I am close with both.

Unfortunately, my DW already continuously puts me down. I don’t think that would change.

So, you basically are walking away from your kids. You need to take them 50% of the time and take them back/forth to school, activities and friends. Trust me, they know you are cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

It is interesting when people suggest that I can just “fix” my broken marriage. I suggested that DW get help for her depression.. she said no. Topic of Divorce came up.. she still said no. Would I like to find a partner and friend to spread the rest of my life with YES. My current DW has demonstrated that she does not want to be that person. I am concerned that if I was not living in the house... who would do laundry, dishes and all of the task that I do.. DW would have to come out of her room more to do things.. I do not see how my marriage is fixable. Help me understand what a “fixed” marriage looks like.

You are not willing to fix your marriage by working on it and rebuilding your relationship with her. Depression isn't the issue, your relationship is. My husband has untreated depression. Its not an issue and we are both supportive of the other's health issue. Bottomline is you are either having an affair or planning to have one and want to blame her as a justification.

So very judgmental person.. SEVERAl times we have had talks and tried to make things “better”. She always stops putting an effort in. The last time when I wanted a divorce she tried more than before to improve and it lasted maybe 3 months.. but then it goes back into the same bs. I am approaching the age that my father was when he died. So a driver from my side is that I only have so much time. I want to find a friend and partner that loves me and so me affection to share the rest of my life with. I get no hugs. When I try to hug my DW.. she roles her eyes and does not hug back. If you think that I have not tried to “fix” my marriage based on your description.. you are wrong. I have been on the front lines of this bs and live iit every day. I have tried several different strategies and tactics.. The Loneliness and affectionless sexless marriage continued.. when I brought up divorce... she was shocked because she seems fine with it. So recalibrate your perseption of my reality.

There is far more to this story than what you are say and there is probably a reason why she doesn't want you to touch her. You are very very selfish just based on your posts. You are probably having an affair and justifying leaving your wife. Do her and your kids a favor and leave already.

You are a psycho troll. Stop making crap up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced while I was in high school. While I had a room at my dad's house I appreciated he didn't insist on me shuttling back and forth. I stayed with my mom through high school and ended up staying with my dad when I came home from college to visit.

If you minimize disruption to kid and don't trash each other it's not end of the world

What you describe is what I would like to do. But I am concerned about their mother’s reaction. The best part of my marriage are our two incredible kids. I have a feeling that they know or sense what will happen. I am close with both.

Unfortunately, my DW already continuously puts me down. I don’t think that would change.

So, you basically are walking away from your kids. You need to take them 50% of the time and take them back/forth to school, activities and friends. Trust me, they know you are cheating.

Btw.. I have done more driving kids to school, sports, activities, friends than DW and still do. I have been a very active dad. I don’t want to “leave” my kids. I communicate with them several time a day through text and social media. I love them.

You must have really been hurt. I hope that you are able to heal and move on.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think a few people are being way too harsh on you. You sound like a very thoughtful person and a great dad who is confused about how to navigate a very difficult situation. Even if your wife won't go, I would get you and your DD into family therapy. She may be seeing a lot of things you aren't even aware of and seeing you make an effort to be a stronger family could have a big impact. And maybe it would get your wife to go as well if she saw you and DD going.

[Anonymous]

I got divorced when my son and daughter were in middle school and both thanked me separately. No regrets on not waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are not willing to fix your marriage by working on it and rebuilding your relationship with her. Depression isn't the issue, your relationship is. My husband has untreated depression. Its not an issue and we are both supportive of the other's health issue. Bottomline is you are either having an affair or planning to have one and want to blame her as a justification.

NP here. If someone refuses to get help for their mental health or addiction, I don’t think you are a terrible person to not throw yourself in the pit with them. I’m one of the people that constantly says on DCUM fix the marriage or leave. Don’t start an affair. I don’t think it’s realistic for both people to stay in a marriage “for the kids” for years on end without one or both of them wanting to have a physical relationship with someone else. It sounds like OP is would have been willing to fix the marriage but DW wants the benefits of marriage with none of the work and wants him to stay for the kids.

Divorcing when the kids leave for college has its own issues. My parents did this and it was still hard in some ways. You still have a lot going on your first year away from home and it felt like the rug was pulled from under us. Also at all the milestone events, graduation, engagement, kids, I had to adjust to my parents not being a unit and we never really transitioned - it’s not like I was used to handling that from middle school or high school. Also, when kids are younger, parents can bring them to therapy/May seek the advice of a professional on how to handle things. When your kids are an adult, you can’t make them, go to therapy and are unlikely to assume they are fine. Yet they can have lots of emotions not only around the divorce but what life was like in the house with 2 parents that didn’t love each other and had conflict - this can impact their current behavior and how they view future romantic relationships.

Middle school is typically crappy no matter what. I would actually say to divorce before high school so high school is a fresh start with the new normal. Stay close to DD, make sure you have joint custody and no one can move away with dd, keep her involved in the activities she care about - that gives some stability. if therapy for you and/or daughter seems like a good idea, do it. Consider NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness) and educated yourself and your dd if you haven’t already. Hold off on any new romantic relationships while both and your dd are healing and adjusting. You don’t want to throw gas on the fire by adding a new romantic relationship while in the midst of what can be a difficult divorce after what was described as a difficult marriage with a pre-teen daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

You can't "fix" a spouse who has mental health problems. They can't even fix those problems themselves; they can't just say "OK, I have decided not to be mentally ill now". Often they don't even believe they are mentally ill.

You also can't fix someone who simply lacks affection or desire for you. You cannot control it. Neither can they. If they don't feel affection or desire, they can't just decide to feel those things.

Did anyone grow up with parents who showed each other no affection? How did that affect you?

I'd say my spouse's parents were like this. No affection, no kissy nibbles, no verbal I Love Yous. Husband is a terrible verbal communicator - with me, with them, with others, with our kids.

However his parents are both homebodies so I always thought it worked out. I also noticed the father is the absent-minded nutty professor type so I think MIL likes always running everything and tending to him. This has made it so my husband does not have a good role model for parenting or being romantic or connecting well. He does it a teasing playful way, but not in a deep, loving way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

It is interesting when people suggest that I can just “fix” my broken marriage. I suggested that DW get help for her depression.. she said no. Topic of Divorce came up.. she still said no. Would I like to find a partner and friend to spread the rest of my life with YES. My current DW has demonstrated that she does not want to be that person. I am concerned that if I was not living in the house... who would do laundry, dishes and all of the task that I do.. DW would have to come out of her room more to do things.. I do not see how my marriage is fixable. Help me understand what a “fixed” marriage looks like.

You are not willing to fix your marriage by working on it and rebuilding your relationship with her. Depression isn't the issue, your relationship is. My husband has untreated depression. Its not an issue and we are both supportive of the other's health issue. Bottomline is you are either having an affair or planning to have one and want to blame her as a justification.

So very judgmental person.. SEVERAl times we have had talks and tried to make things “better”. She always stops putting an effort in. The last time when I wanted a divorce she tried more than before to improve and it lasted maybe 3 months.. but then it goes back into the same bs. I am approaching the age that my father was when he died. So a driver from my side is that I only have so much time. I want to find a friend and partner that loves me and so me affection to share the rest of my life with. I get no hugs. When I try to hug my DW.. she roles her eyes and does not hug back. If you think that I have not tried to “fix” my marriage based on your description.. you are wrong. I have been on the front lines of this bs and live iit every day. I have tried several different strategies and tactics.. The Loneliness and affectionless sexless marriage continued.. when I brought up divorce... she was shocked because she seems fine with it. So recalibrate your perseption of my reality.

There is far more to this story than what you are say and there is probably a reason why she doesn't want you to touch her. You are very very selfish just based on your posts. You are probably having an affair and justifying leaving your wife. Do her and your kids a favor and leave already.

OP, if someone is rolling their eyes at you, there is a different original problem that needs to be fixed, not glossed over. Fix that and you will be attractive, trustworthy, and reliable again to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced while I was in high school. While I had a room at my dad's house I appreciated he didn't insist on me shuttling back and forth. I stayed with my mom through high school and ended up staying with my dad when I came home from college to visit.

If you minimize disruption to kid and don't trash each other it's not end of the world

What you describe is what I would like to do. But I am concerned about their mother’s reaction. The best part of my marriage are our two incredible kids. I have a feeling that they know or sense what will happen. I am close with both.

Unfortunately, my DW already continuously puts me down. I don’t think that would change.

So, you basically are walking away from your kids. You need to take them 50% of the time and take them back/forth to school, activities and friends. Trust me, they know you are cheating.

Btw.. I have done more driving kids to school, sports, activities, friends than DW and still do. I have been a very active dad. I don’t want to “leave” my kids. I communicate with them several time a day through text and social media. I love them.

You must have really been hurt. I hope that you are able to heal and move on.

Communicating through text and social media is not being an active Dad. Leaving and not working on your relationship is not being an active Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced while I was in high school. While I had a room at my dad's house I appreciated he didn't insist on me shuttling back and forth. I stayed with my mom through high school and ended up staying with my dad when I came home from college to visit.

If you minimize disruption to kid and don't trash each other it's not end of the world

What you describe is what I would like to do. But I am concerned about their mother’s reaction. The best part of my marriage are our two incredible kids. I have a feeling that they know or sense what will happen. I am close with both.

Unfortunately, my DW already continuously puts me down. I don’t think that would change.

So, you basically are walking away from your kids. You need to take them 50% of the time and take them back/forth to school, activities and friends. Trust me, they know you are cheating.

Btw.. I have done more driving kids to school, sports, activities, friends than DW and still do. I have been a very active dad. I don’t want to “leave” my kids. I communicate with them several time a day through text and social media. I love them.

You must have really been hurt. I hope that you are able to heal and move on.

Communicating through text and social media is not being an active Dad. Leaving and not working on your relationship is not being an active Dad.

Laying in bed all day while depressed is not being an active Mom.