Divorce side affects on DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

It is interesting when people suggest that I can just “fix” my broken marriage. I suggested that DW get help for her depression.. she said no. Topic of Divorce came up.. she still said no. Would I like to find a partner and friend to spread the rest of my life with YES. My current DW has demonstrated that she does not want to be that person. I am concerned that if I was not living in the house... who would do laundry, dishes and all of the task that I do.. DW would have to come out of her room more to do things.. I do not see how my marriage is fixable. Help me understand what a “fixed” marriage looks like.

You are not willing to fix your marriage by working on it and rebuilding your relationship with her. Depression isn't the issue, your relationship is. My husband has untreated depression. Its not an issue and we are both supportive of the other's health issue. Bottomline is you are either having an affair or planning to have one and want to blame her as a justification.

So very judgmental person.. SEVERAl times we have had talks and tried to make things “better”. She always stops putting an effort in. The last time when I wanted a divorce she tried more than before to improve and it lasted maybe 3 months.. but then it goes back into the same bs. I am approaching the age that my father was when he died. So a driver from my side is that I only have so much time. I want to find a friend and partner that loves me and so me affection to share the rest of my life with. I get no hugs. When I try to hug my DW.. she roles her eyes and does not hug back. If you think that I have not tried to “fix” my marriage based on your description.. you are wrong. I have been on the front lines of this bs and live iit every day. I have tried several different strategies and tactics.. The Loneliness and affectionless sexless marriage continued.. when I brought up divorce... she was shocked because she seems fine with it. So recalibrate your perseption of my reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

My DW is not the nicest person to me. Critical and negative feedback on things that just do not make sense. There is emotional, verbal, and etc abuse. DW is not a happy person. The only joy they she seems to get is from her kids. I asked and recommended but she will not seek help. There are several things that I just can’t write because it may make it too easy for people that know us to recognize us.

The real question is what are you doing to upset her and how are you making the relationship work. You put 100% of the issues on her. She is not happy for a reason and it is probably your behavior. You need to make the effort first.

DW has classic depression. More so after her mom died. She will not get help. Seriously..How is that on me?

Ok her Mom died, she is depressed. Can you not understand and empathize with her loss? You sound really cold and withholding? Perhaps couples counseling first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being in a loveless, lifeless, toxic household where clearly parents are miserable and living a lie also has its consequences. I was really glad my parents divorced and didn't use me as an excuse to stay miserable, when I was a child.

+1. I begged my mom to leave my dad. But she said (and she was right) that we would have gone from barely middle class to working poor. So she stayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced while I was in high school. While I had a room at my dad's house I appreciated he didn't insist on me shuttling back and forth. I stayed with my mom through high school and ended up staying with my dad when I came home from college to visit.

If you minimize disruption to kid and don't trash each other it's not end of the world

What you describe is what I would like to do. But I am concerned about their mother’s reaction. The best part of my marriage are our two incredible kids. I have a feeling that they know or sense what will happen. I am close with both.

Unfortunately, my DW already continuously puts me down. I don’t think that would change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

My DW is not the nicest person to me. Critical and negative feedback on things that just do not make sense. There is emotional, verbal, and etc abuse. DW is not a happy person. The only joy they she seems to get is from her kids. I asked and recommended but she will not seek help. There are several things that I just can’t write because it may make it too easy for people that know us to recognize us.

The real question is what are you doing to upset her and how are you making the relationship work. You put 100% of the issues on her. She is not happy for a reason and it is probably your behavior. You need to make the effort first.

DW has classic depression. More so after her mom died. She will not get help. Seriously..How is that on me?

Ok her Mom died, she is depressed. Can you not understand and empathize with her loss? You sound really cold and withholding? Perhaps couples counseling first?

Are f-Ing kidding me? It has been over 10 years and my DW will not get help. I am cold and withholding? That is on me? F Off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being in a loveless, lifeless, toxic household where clearly parents are miserable and living a lie also has its consequences. I was really glad my parents divorced and didn't use me as an excuse to stay miserable, when I was a child.

+1. I begged my mom to leave my dad. But she said (and she was right) that we would have gone from barely middle class to working poor. So she stayed.

Based on what I have experienced, My heart goes out to you.

Fortunately, that would not be an issue because of her job and my job and wealth (that she does not respect)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

My DW is not the nicest person to me. Critical and negative feedback on things that just do not make sense. There is emotional, verbal, and etc abuse. DW is not a happy person. The only joy they she seems to get is from her kids. I asked and recommended but she will not seek help. There are several things that I just can’t write because it may make it too easy for people that know us to recognize us.

The real question is what are you doing to upset her and how are you making the relationship work. You put 100% of the issues on her. She is not happy for a reason and it is probably your behavior. You need to make the effort first.

DW has classic depression. More so after her mom died. She will not get help. Seriously..How is that on me?

Ok her Mom died, she is depressed. Can you not understand and empathize with her loss? You sound really cold and withholding? Perhaps couples counseling first?

Are f-Ing kidding me? It has been over 10 years and my DW will not get help. I am cold and withholding? That is on me? F Off

OP, this is not the board to get help from. It’s overwhelmed by psycho women that always want to paint themselves as the victim and that men as always the evil villain that never tried hard enough. It will never not be your fault here. To get an appropriate perspective that will help your kids succeed, see a family therapist that specializes in divorce. You’ll get unbiased feedback from them. I wish you much luck on your journey and however it ends.

[Anonymous]

It may be really hard for your DD, and she may develop fears about the stability of her own relationships, and she may be angry at you-but that could be true at any point in her life, so do you want to stay in this relationship for the rest of your daughter's life in order to spare her the possibility of hurt? That doesn't sound like a good plan. I do think parents have a higher responsibility to try and work things out, but if your spouse isn't willing to do that work, and you've been unhappy for years, it is time to make a move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

My DW is not the nicest person to me. Critical and negative feedback on things that just do not make sense. There is emotional, verbal, and etc abuse. DW is not a happy person. The only joy they she seems to get is from her kids. I asked and recommended but she will not seek help. There are several things that I just can’t write because it may make it too easy for people that know us to recognize us.

The real question is what are you doing to upset her and how are you making the relationship work. You put 100% of the issues on her. She is not happy for a reason and it is probably your behavior. You need to make the effort first.

DW has classic depression. More so after her mom died. She will not get help. Seriously..How is that on me?

Ok her Mom died, she is depressed. Can you not understand and empathize with her loss? You sound really cold and withholding? Perhaps couples counseling first?

Are f-Ing kidding me? It has been over 10 years and my DW will not get help. I am cold and withholding? That is on me? F Off

OP, this is not the board to get help from. It’s overwhelmed by psycho women that always want to paint themselves as the victim and that men as always the evil villain that never tried hard enough. It will never not be your fault here. To get an appropriate perspective that will help your kids succeed, see a family therapist that specializes in divorce. You’ll get unbiased feedback from them. I wish you much luck on your journey and however it ends.

Thank you for your post. I realize that those people exist on the board.. Although it should not matter.. if I portrayed my situation as a DW using the details.. it would be interesting to monitor the reaction.

I agree with finding a family therapist.. but there were some experience shared in post that were interesting and helped. If the negative person really thought about my situation objectively... They should realize that if I was the type of person that they are accusing me of being.. I would not be posting this thread and I would have already been divorced over 20 years ago.

[Anonymous]

The real issue is will your wife still be a decent parent to your daughter with you gone. Your DD will lose you as a buffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real issue is will your wife still be a decent parent to your daughter with you gone. Your DD will lose you as a buffer.

That is my biggest concern and fear. If I lived close enough that might mitigate some of that risk.

[Anonymous]

I divorced 3.5 years ago. My son was around 5 at the time. My ex leaves nearby and we share custody 50/50. We are amicable.

My son is generally doing well but sometimes struggles with the divorce. It ebbs and flows. There is a good book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" that discusses the life-cycle effects of divorce. At first, because my son was doing well at the time, I thought it was a bit of BS. But the older he gets, the more accurate I think it is. It is something he will have to live with, and factor into his life--and his conception of relationships as he gets older.


I think that there are some positives and some negatives for him. The positive is that my ex and I did fight a lot. He has said he is happy we don't do that anymore and that we seem to be getting along better. Also, my girlfriend and him get along well, and it seems like our relationship is a better model for him than my prior one with my ex. Time will tell if this persists, but I'm grateful for that at the moment. The negative is that he is constantly shuttling back and forth, and it's hard on him not to be around both of us full-time. (He wasn't when we were married, but he comments on it more now. Maybe because he's older and can verbalize more.) Even in the best scenario, it's tough for him. But, as I said, there are countervailing benefits too.


I am frustrated by the many posters that blame you for your wife's depression. If she is refusing treatment for it, that's on her, not you. We each are responsbile for our own well-being.

BUT, and I offer this with a lot of sympathy, because I was once there too: You seem very raw and defensive. Very few posters respond to every message. Perhaps you have a lazy Saturday. But it seems to me that you may need to develop some thicker skin. It is not your fault your wife is depressed. But perhaps you are taking it personally and responding too much, whatever. When you start getting into a fight, instead of engaging further, you may want to try disengaging a bit, and seeing how that goes. Perhaps I'm projecting, as that was my experience with my ex: I dug in further when I really should have said I don't care and left the room. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3.5 years ago. My son was around 5 at the time. My ex leaves nearby and we share custody 50/50. We are amicable.

My son is generally doing well but sometimes struggles with the divorce. It ebbs and flows. There is a good book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" that discusses the life-cycle effects of divorce. At first, because my son was doing well at the time, I thought it was a bit of BS. But the older he gets, the more accurate I think it is. It is something he will have to live with, and factor into his life--and his conception of relationships as he gets older.


I think that there are some positives and some negatives for him. The positive is that my ex and I did fight a lot. He has said he is happy we don't do that anymore and that we seem to be getting along better. Also, my girlfriend and him get along well, and it seems like our relationship is a better model for him than my prior one with my ex. Time will tell if this persists, but I'm grateful for that at the moment. The negative is that he is constantly shuttling back and forth, and it's hard on him not to be around both of us full-time. (He wasn't when we were married, but he comments on it more now. Maybe because he's older and can verbalize more.) Even in the best scenario, it's tough for him. But, as I said, there are countervailing benefits too.


I am frustrated by the many posters that blame you for your wife's depression. If she is refusing treatment for it, that's on her, not you. We each are responsbile for our own well-being.

BUT, and I offer this with a lot of sympathy, because I was once there too: You seem very raw and defensive. Very few posters respond to every message. Perhaps you have a lazy Saturday. But it seems to me that you may need to develop some thicker skin. It is not your fault your wife is depressed. But perhaps you are taking it personally and responding too much, whatever. When you start getting into a fight, instead of engaging further, you may want to try disengaging a bit, and seeing how that goes. Perhaps I'm projecting, as that was my experience with my ex: I dug in further when I really should have said I don't care and left the room. Best of luck.

While I think that is very good advice, it is easiest to do that when you are through to the other side. Right now OP is in the thick of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3.5 years ago. My son was around 5 at the time. My ex leaves nearby and we share custody 50/50. We are amicable.

My son is generally doing well but sometimes struggles with the divorce. It ebbs and flows. There is a good book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" that discusses the life-cycle effects of divorce. At first, because my son was doing well at the time, I thought it was a bit of BS. But the older he gets, the more accurate I think it is. It is something he will have to live with, and factor into his life--and his conception of relationships as he gets older.


I think that there are some positives and some negatives for him. The positive is that my ex and I did fight a lot. He has said he is happy we don't do that anymore and that we seem to be getting along better. Also, my girlfriend and him get along well, and it seems like our relationship is a better model for him than my prior one with my ex. Time will tell if this persists, but I'm grateful for that at the moment. The negative is that he is constantly shuttling back and forth, and it's hard on him not to be around both of us full-time. (He wasn't when we were married, but he comments on it more now. Maybe because he's older and can verbalize more.) Even in the best scenario, it's tough for him. But, as I said, there are countervailing benefits too.


I am frustrated by the many posters that blame you for your wife's depression. If she is refusing treatment for it, that's on her, not you. We each are responsbile for our own well-being.

BUT, and I offer this with a lot of sympathy, because I was once there too: You seem very raw and defensive. Very few posters respond to every message. Perhaps you have a lazy Saturday. But it seems to me that you may need to develop some thicker skin. It is not your fault your wife is depressed. But perhaps you are taking it personally and responding too much, whatever. When you start getting into a fight, instead of engaging further, you may want to try disengaging a bit, and seeing how that goes. Perhaps I'm projecting, as that was my experience with my ex: I dug in further when I really should have said I don't care and left the room. Best of luck.

Thank you for your post and feedback. Based on where I have came from and what I have accomplished... all while making choices to still be there for my kids and really help raise them... it just stings when people say that I am not doing enough. My son is old enough to appreciate what I do .. he may not appreciate the family focused choices that I have made until he is a dad and he has to make them. My DW demonstrates no appreciation for what I have done or do.. We play be well. Both kids can go to any school that they want and can get into... She only focuses on the negative. She worries about unusual things but that ties into her depression.

And yes.. It is a lazy Saturday.. But this issue/topic is very heavy on my brain at the moment. I will take your advice on not being thin skinned. It is hard to walk away when you are driving somewhere and DW starts criticizing for not taking the path that she would have taken.. I have a feeling that you might have also lived that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

And its unfortuante that we don't consider that woman can also be emotionally and verbally abusive. Their actions get excused as being responsive to how they husband must be acting and that he likely deserves it. As long as we maintain a view tha tonly men are abusive and that the same behaivors in women are acceptable due to circumstance, we will continue to have these sexist responses where it is all the man's fault and it is on him to fix it...no matter what his wife says or does.