Reply to Divorce side affects on DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
You are not willing to fix your marriage by working on it and rebuilding your relationship with her.  Depression isn't the issue, your relationship is.  My husband has untreated depression.  Its not an issue and we are both supportive of the other's health issue.  Bottomline is you are either having an affair or planning to have one and want to blame her as a justification.  [/quote]

:shock: NP here.  If someone refuses to get help for their mental health or addiction, I don’t think you are a terrible person to not throw yourself in the pit with them.  I’m one of the people that constantly says on DCUM fix the marriage or leave.  Don’t start an affair. I don’t think it’s realistic for both people to stay in a marriage “for the kids” for years on end without one or both of them wanting to have a physical relationship with someone else.  It sounds like OP is would have been willing to fix the marriage but DW wants the benefits of marriage with none of the work and wants him to stay for the kids.

Divorcing when the kids leave for college has its own issues.  My parents did this and it was still hard in some ways.  You still have a lot going on your first year away from home and it felt like the rug was pulled from under us.  Also at all the milestone events, graduation, engagement, kids, I had to adjust to my parents not being a unit and we never really transitioned - it’s not like I was used to handling that from middle school or high school.  Also, when kids are younger, parents can bring them to therapy/May seek the advice of a professional on how to handle things.  When your kids are an adult, you can’t make them, go to therapy and are unlikely to assume they are fine. Yet they can have lots of emotions not only around the divorce but what life was like in the house with 2 parents that didn’t love each other and had conflict - this can impact their current behavior and how they view future romantic relationships.

Middle school is typically crappy no matter what.  I would actually say to divorce before high school so high school is a fresh start with the new normal.  Stay close to DD, make sure you have joint custody and no one can move away with dd, keep her involved in the activities she care about - that gives some stability.  if therapy for you and/or daughter seems like a good idea, do it.  Consider NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness) and educated yourself and your dd if you haven’t already.  Hold off on any new romantic relationships while both and your dd are healing and adjusting.  You don’t want to throw gas on the fire by adding a new romantic relationship while in the midst of what can be a difficult divorce after what was described as a difficult marriage with a pre-teen daughter.[/quote]

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