Divorce side affects on DD

[Anonymous]

I have been in a cold affectionless marriage for over 25 years. The last time that I brought up divorce, I was asked to wait until my DD graduated from HS. That is another 5 years. My oldest has graduated. My friends that have gotten divorced keep telling me that kids are more resilient than we give them credit. I want to divorce my DW not my kids. If I separated from my DW... I would still live close to them and see them as much as possible..

Is having divorced parents a negative on Middle School/High School
Girls?

[Anonymous]

The whole “kids are resilient” line is crap that parents tell themselves to justify their decisions.

[Anonymous]

Being in a loveless, lifeless, toxic household where clearly parents are miserable and living a lie also has its consequences. I was really glad my parents divorced and didn't use me as an excuse to stay miserable, when I was a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole “kids are resilient” line is crap that parents tell themselves to justify their decisions.

Divorced mom here and I agree. I also think kids can't comprehend their feelings and keep them hidden inside...esp teens and pre teens. You will see glimpses of the pain and it's very raw and real. My oldest had a really hard time 7 years later after college when she approached her own engagement with a great guy. It's just all hit her like "omg wonder if it all ends in 18 yrs like my mom and dad." And we had a very friendly divorce. Exdh bought a house in our development, kids were able to be in and out whenever, etc etc. It's just still a HUGE trauma under the best circumstances. I'll never forgot my son once said (in regards to his highschool swim team) "this is so much fun, it's my life, it's my friends, it's everything but I always wonder if it will blow up and end just like the divorce." It's like they carry that fear of mass destruction with them.

[Anonymous]

My BFF's husband ditched his family when kids were in high school. Sent kids into a tailspin. Failing grades, drugs, etc

A second friend's husband just walked after about 35 years of marriage. His kids no longer speak to him.

Divorce damages kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole “kids are resilient” line is crap that parents tell themselves to justify their decisions.

Divorced mom here and I agree. I also think kids can't comprehend their feelings and keep them hidden inside...esp teens and pre teens. You will see glimpses of the pain and it's very raw and real. My oldest had a really hard time 7 years later after college when she approached her own engagement with a great guy. It's just all hit her like "omg wonder if it all ends in 18 yrs like my mom and dad." And we had a very friendly divorce. Exdh bought a house in our development, kids were able to be in and out whenever, etc etc. It's just still a HUGE trauma under the best circumstances. I'll never forgot my son once said (in regards to his highschool swim team) "this is so much fun, it's my life, it's my friends, it's everything but I always wonder if it will blow up and end just like the divorce." It's like they carry that fear of mass destruction with them.

I am a fan of trying like hell not to get divorced. That said, I just want to point out that any big life disappointment or tragedy will create the effect you mention. I know I deal with this due to a sibling's sudden death. Again, not a fan of divorce if there is any possibility of saving the marriage, but on the other hand there is only so much you can do to protect your kids from what is often a pretty cruel world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole “kids are resilient” line is crap that parents tell themselves to justify their decisions.

Divorced mom here and I agree. I also think kids can't comprehend their feelings and keep them hidden inside...esp teens and pre teens. You will see glimpses of the pain and it's very raw and real. My oldest had a really hard time 7 years later after college when she approached her own engagement with a great guy. It's just all hit her like "omg wonder if it all ends in 18 yrs like my mom and dad." And we had a very friendly divorce. Exdh bought a house in our development, kids were able to be in and out whenever, etc etc. It's just still a HUGE trauma under the best circumstances. I'll never forgot my son once said (in regards to his highschool swim team) "this is so much fun, it's my life, it's my friends, it's everything but I always wonder if it will blow up and end just like the divorce." It's like they carry that fear of mass destruction with them.

I appreciate you taking the time to share this. Were you and your kids blind sided by your divorce?

For my world... I think as my kids have gotten older and have been around other families that they know that something isn’t right in their parent’s relationship... especially since we don’t sleep in the same bed. The way we avoid each other.. etc

[Anonymous]

I think it would be devastating. What are you doing to fix your marriage? Do you have hobbies and friends so that your life is not two dimensional-work and home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole “kids are resilient” line is crap that parents tell themselves to justify their decisions.

Divorced mom here and I agree. I also think kids can't comprehend their feelings and keep them hidden inside...esp teens and pre teens. You will see glimpses of the pain and it's very raw and real. My oldest had a really hard time 7 years later after college when she approached her own engagement with a great guy. It's just all hit her like "omg wonder if it all ends in 18 yrs like my mom and dad." And we had a very friendly divorce. Exdh bought a house in our development, kids were able to be in and out whenever, etc etc. It's just still a HUGE trauma under the best circumstances. I'll never forgot my son once said (in regards to his highschool swim team) "this is so much fun, it's my life, it's my friends, it's everything but I always wonder if it will blow up and end just like the divorce." It's like they carry that fear of mass destruction with them.

I am a fan of trying like hell not to get divorced. That said, I just want to point out that any big life disappointment or tragedy will create the effect you mention. I know I deal with this due to a sibling's sudden death. Again, not a fan of divorce if there is any possibility of saving the marriage, but on the other hand there is only so much you can do to protect your kids from what is often a pretty cruel world.

A death is uncontrollable. Divorce is a conscious decision

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced - just do it already. Divorce is traumatic whenever it happens. So is having unhappy parents. Just try your absolute best to be honorable to one another during the divorce. Yes, it’s hard. It sucks. But people manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole “kids are resilient” line is crap that parents tell themselves to justify their decisions.

This

[Anonymous]

Probably a minority opinion on this...and you may not be inclined to be in a very "generous" frame of mind toward how your wife is feeling/will feel if you are already in place where you are feeling neglected as a husband, etc.

But...I think for me, as a mother, the hardest part of getting divorced would be the visitation of my own children. I cannot imagine the pain of that. (I know, divorced parents get used to it bc they have to.) But this may be why she is asking you to wait 5 years. She gave birth to these kids and cannot imagine having her minor children in her life and home only part time. I know I would have a very very very difficult time with this, regardless of how miserable I felt being married to my DH. And maybe you are okay with visiting your kids, OP...but she is not. Thus the wait 5 years request.

It will still be a huge adjustment for the kids, but their formative years will be behind them, they'll have made it to college and on a path to establishing their own futures. It's a period of transition anyway. Not saying they will LOVE it, but they'll be in a better position to cope with it how THEY choose, rather than at the mercy of custody battles and such.

[Anonymous]

This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably a minority opinion on this...and you may not be inclined to be in a very "generous" frame of mind toward how your wife is feeling/will feel if you are already in place where you are feeling neglected as a husband, etc.

But...I think for me, as a mother, the hardest part of getting divorced would be the visitation of my own children. I cannot imagine the pain of that. (I know, divorced parents get used to it bc they have to.) But this may be why she is asking you to wait 5 years. She gave birth to these kids and cannot imagine having her minor children in her life and home only part time. I know I would have a very very very difficult time with this, regardless of how miserable I felt being married to my DH. And maybe you are okay with visiting your kids, OP...but she is not. Thus the wait 5 years request.

It will still be a huge adjustment for the kids, but their formative years will be behind them, they'll have made it to college and on a path to establishing their own futures. It's a period of transition anyway. Not saying they will LOVE it, but they'll be in a better position to cope with it how THEY choose, rather than at the mercy of custody battles and such.

DD is older than 12.. I have a better connection with my kids than most dads. I do several things around the house to make their lives easy. Plus I have a successful career and accumulated wealth to pay for their education. I would either rent or buy a house within walking distance of our current house just so I can spend time with them. But as they have gotten older.. they have less time for me because they are developing into themselves.

My wife has a job. Even though she doesn’t appreciate what I do or who I work for.. She is will also get half of what I have accumulated.

If we get them involved with therapy would that make it easier?

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman who filed for divorce. My older DD had a temporary dip in grades (B/C), but says she was happier the rest of MS and HS than the years before when things were tense.

I was so relieved when my parents’ divorced. My grades actually went up because they weren’t keeping me up with fighting all night.

The kids are resilient argument means that kids don’t have to be damaged permanently by change. It means that you help your kids to adjust in healthy ways. It doesn’t mean do whatever you want and the kids will be fine. Staying in a toxic marriage can be just as harmful as a bad divorce and much more harmful than a sensible one.