13 yo & unauthorized charges on our credit card - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

The essay should be on the repercussions of credit card fraud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the essay writing? I’ve read about it before on DCUM and find it so ridiculous. Like a forced writing assignment will have some effect.

Critical thinking and self reflection. It’s how minds grow

Dictionary lesson

Theft

Fraud

Trust

Since he's going to be writing anyway, apparently, perhaps he could come up with ways to earn trust again.

He's how old... 13? Old enough to know that online CC purchases are using real money, right? Would he take $300 cash?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

Kids may obey mean parents but they don’t respect them. There is a difference.

And being mean does nothing to help them learn to regulate their own behavior. Be a teacher not a warden.

Or they can 1) disrespect you; *and* 2) disobey you; which is what happens when you're a parent like the Pp, and you think stealing $300 is nbd, and writing an essay and making him earn the $300 back (it will take 600 hours!!) is too harsh for your little delicate flower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the essay writing? I’ve read about it before on DCUM and find it so ridiculous. Like a forced writing assignment will have some effect.

Critical thinking and self reflection. It’s how minds grow

Maybe he can use the credit card here: http://www.hireessaywriter.com/

[Anonymous]

Nice that Apple refunded you. I'd make him earn the $300 dollars anyway and donate it to a charity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids make mistakes. This is clearly a big one and I'm sure he knows that. From what you describe of his reaction to being found out and his heavy schedule he may be suffering from anxiety and was using the game as an escape. I wouldn't have him write the essay on why it's important to be honest, instead I'd have him do some research on the addicting aspects of video games and gambling (they are very similar in the reward structure and dopamine response in the brain). It would probably help him understand why he felt compelled to steal when he normally would not think of taking money out of your wallet to buy himself candy or toys, etc.

I'm sure other parents will come on here and suggest you lay down the law (and that I'm excusing his behavior), but I think turning this into some self-reflective research might do better in the long run.

Haven't you or your DH gotten caught up in something and ended up spending way more money than you had intended? I have.

Fortnight is a very addictive game right now, fyi

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

My parents, and me, were exactly the same, and I also feared them. We are tighter than ever and have a very loving relationship. So there goes your theory.

[Anonymous]

I think you know your kid (unless you are in denial) and you know whether he was aware of what was going to happen when he entered that credit card. I get that some kids are less savvy than others, and that factors in to the consequences. If he knew and was openly defiant, then you tell him you are now out $300 (do not tell Apple refunded) and he needs to help with a plan to recoup that money. He can earn it. He can give cash from any gift savings he has. You can pass on registering for extracurriculars to save that money. But most of all you need to give him a hard lesson in trust and the effects of theft and fraud. You tell him that he's now shown not only is he not able to make correct choices when given independence, but he's deliberately been sneaky and deceitful. Now you have to take away opportunities for him to be able to do that until he can articulate that he understands and what he can do differently when he gets a new chance. Lesson to you is that you have to secure your financial materials now and you should tell him that you're disappointed his actions are making you do that. Don't spare his feelings - he needs to feel guilt and consequences to understand. Just as he needs to know that you can forgive, but it's on him to rebuild trust and that it is a hard thing to do. I think it's harder on parents because we have to love and teach our kids. Tell him that as a parent your job is to teach him but if this had been another family member or friend's parent his reputation would be tainted forever.

[Anonymous]

He stole $300. So punishment (which you have already done) and make him pay it back. He can work it off (30 hrs at $10 an hr), repay you, forego an extracurricular that costs $300, or some combination of the above.

[Anonymous]

There is NO way I would come up with household chores so my snowflake could pay me back. In addition to his chores that he should have, he needs the look for lawn mowing and dog walking jobs to pay me back.

Trust is a huge issue here. He will need to earn it back. Slowly.

For the parents, he didn't steal a neighbor's credit card so I would be eternally thankful for that. Still come down hard. This is a learning experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An aside, but I think it is crappy of you to expect Apple to refund you the $300. I get the technical point that he isn't an authorized user but still he's your kid. He should pay off the charges with chores or other work around the house.

This. You let apple bail him out. He should be doing yard work for neighbors to earn the money.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand all the punishments. There are two issues for me here. Parents, who don't monitor credit card spending (should have known after the first charge), and a kid, who also lacks financial awareness (from spending $300 freely, without any money to cover the charges, to understanding that it's just a matter of time that his charges will be known). Time for some deep dive on earning, spending, banking, etc. Just as "stealing", it can as easily be "it's a credit card, it's not real money" or "parents don't care about money, they have tons, they wouldn't care". Does the teen have a bank account, is he participating in any money spending activities that he is actually aware of the amount spent?

[Anonymous]

Even though the money is being refunded, I’d make him do chores to pay it back. A 13 year old knows that was wrong. He’d also lose the iPad and his phone for longer.

[Anonymous]

+1 to working it off. At this time of year, he could earn $300 doing yard work very easily. Heck, if you lived near me, I'd hire him in a hot second.

[Anonymous]

So it's the parents fault for not monitoring their credit card? Come on.