13 yo & unauthorized charges on our credit card - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An aside, but I think it is crappy of you to expect Apple to refund you the $300. I get the technical point that he isn't an authorized user but still he's your kid. He should pay off the charges with chores or other work around the house.

I agree that in addiction to other punishments, he should work off the $300. This is as much a "value of money" issue as it is his lying and stealing.

Yup. And skip the essay, IMO. The iPad can be returned once he's done $300 worth of chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:30 hours of work for me @ $10/hour. I'm guessing I'd have a great-looking lawn, attic & garage.

Absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. By the way I was not “emotional” when I approached DS and I don’t know why some think my post was “emotional”. I certainly don’t want to push my DD away - trust me I never went to my mom when I was a teenager, and I try to foster open relationship with my sons. He came to my bedroom while I was reading last night to talk. I told him I value honesty and it’s really important to tell me the truth - especially when it’s bad. He mainly laid down at the bottom of our bed and sat silently. I didn’t break the silence except to say I hope he comes to me for everything - and I mean everything. I like the suggestion of having him write an essay about Addictive video games and gambling. I’m trying to use this as a learning opportunity, and not have some power struggle. I don’t post a lot here and hoping the DCUM+D “village” can provide constructive ideas. The Apple rep mentioned she gets daily calls about these sorts of unauthorized charges and most times the parents say “no no, Jonny would never have done that !” She said she’s glad we got to the bottom of it and aren’t in denial like most parents

I think I would have your son reflect on what kind of person he wants to be. Does he want to be an honest, trustworthy person? Does he want to be a thief? This sounds like a one-off, so it's not like you're dealing with a pattern of behavior, but he's at an age where he can be a little more reflective. What kind of relationship would he like to have with his parents? Would he like to be trusted? And think about how the choices you make shape who you are and what kind of relationships you have--how does he feel about this choice? Does he feel like it was worth it? How did he feel when he was waiting for you to find out? Maybe ask him what he thinks appropriate consequences would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I discovered 5-6 iTunes charges on my credit card over the past 15-20 days. Turns out 13 yo DS took my credit card and entered it to his Apple ID. He’s been playing Fort Nite on his iPad. He only gets the iPad on weekends and he lost his iPhone privileges a long time ago (long story but combo of bad grades and bad attitude) and was *just* about to get the iPhone back until we learned of the unauthorized charges. Grades and attitude have improved remarkably but I am so disappointed at his dishonesty. Initially he denied it then when faced with proof he didn’t apologize. He sulked for hours and cried that we’ve taken everything away from him. iTunes is refunding the $300+ charges. iPad has been taken away.
I’m always telling my kids “what happens in the dark comes out in the light” ALWAYS. He’s a good kid, does his own laundry every Sunday, takes out trash and vacuums, is getting A’s and B’s taking the most challenging courses his school offers. He plays travel level sports (he loves it) and has a solid groups of good friends who all seem to be good boys. I’m surprised that he thought he could get away with this. What’s the appropriate punishment ? I told him to write an essay on why it’s important to be honest. WWYD??

Stealing your credit card and charging $300(!) on it is not the behavior of a "good kid," OP. It's just... not what "good kids" do! So maybe he has it in him to BE a good kid...but no...this sort of disqualifies him from this label at the moment.

From the other things you mentioned, it seems he is on the right path in terms of positive influences (the grades, sports, personal responsibility angles, etc.) but INTEGRITY is a huge part of character developement on the way to being a "good kid"--and he has a ways to go.

I would definitely come down hard and fast on him. The travel sports that he loves so much would be in jeopardy at my house, as that sounds like an activity that, if lost, would MEAN something to him.

I think the thing I would be most concerned about right now is that--for whatever reason--he is failing to connect his own actions/choices with the consequences and is trying to play victim to your mean parent ways. This would not fly. He needs some humility and to realize that not taking responsibility and making the connection is what will make his world only crumble harder and faster. He may think no phone or iPad is bad...but if he hasn't seen the world of "no phone/no iPad AND no travel sports" yet, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An aside, but I think it is crappy of you to expect Apple to refund you the $300. I get the technical point that he isn't an authorized user but still he's your kid. He should pay off the charges with chores or other work around the house.

It's Apples policy to refund parents purchases that kids make in this manner. It happens all the time.

+1. And it's a virtual product anyway. It's not like they're out the cost of production, or it gets trashed and can't be resold. This is a totally affordable customer service for Apple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An aside, but I think it is crappy of you to expect Apple to refund you the $300. I get the technical point that he isn't an authorized user but still he's your kid. He should pay off the charges with chores or other work around the house.

It's Apples policy to refund parents purchases that kids make in this manner. It happens all the time.

+1 It is Apple's response to having lax safety features. The $300 is all about the licensing, not the actual download, so it isn't like the kid ruined anything (the way it would be if the kid bought and wore a shirt).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

No. Because I have clear punishments without emotion nor do I connect their actions to my ego as a parent, they understand actions and consequences.

Their friend who have really strict insane parents that say such things as "I am embarrassed" "I can't even believe this after he had not made any mistakes lately" as if this is a landslide into prison life.

They will never turn to you for anything if $300 takes you to your knees.

First, it's not about $300, it's about *stealing* $300. Big difference and kind of dishonest of you to frame it that way. You and I and I'm sure OP would drop $300 on our kid in a second for crap that we think they should have or need. This is about stealing and lying - and no, this is not a "I accidentally overspent" scenario - he went and got the card, entered in the numbers, and THEN spent $300.

Second, parents are not machines. It's quite disturbing that you think that behaving like a robot is the ideal way to parent. Parents are human and should appropriately react in situations. Finding out that your teenager stole from you is a cause for some emotion.

Now that you mention it, I find your "having clear punishments without emotion" to be kind of weird and disturbing. Yikes.

$300 or $20...it's the STEALING and then lying about it and only "confessing" WITHOUT remorse (OP says he never apologize, and is pissed that he is being punished) that is the issue!!! The whole thing is disturbing to me too. And I don't think this makes me an "emotional" parent. In fact, I'd be far less disturbed if my kid had a beer at a friend's house and then I found out about it, confronted him and he said "yeah mom...sorry..." than this scenario where he steals, doubles down on it with a lie, and then doesn't see that there is anything wrong with that!

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

He stole. That would make me really upset.

I’ve heard many complaints about Fortnight and kids racking up extra charges in large amounts. They need better gatekeepung.

[Anonymous]

I would end him. Stealing your credit card is a felony. Using the credit card to charge the amount he did is another felony. If he took another family’s credit card and they called the police, your son could wind up dealing with juvenile court proceedings. He wouldn’t be getting a iPhone or that iPad for a long time. He wouldn’t be going anywhere or doing anything other than work to pay back that $300.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

Kids may obey mean parents but they don’t respect them. There is a difference.

And being mean does nothing to help them learn to regulate their own behavior. Be a teacher not a warden.

[Anonymous]

What’s up with the essay writing? I’ve read about it before on DCUM and find it so ridiculous. Like a forced writing assignment will have some effect.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the amount of money is particularly relevant. He may not have even realized how much he was actually spending. Obviously, stealing is bad, but I think something about taking the credit card, entering the details and then buying in-game things over a few weeks makes it seem, to the teenage brain, less bad than stealing $300 out of mom's wallet. Like, I bet he'd think that was a HUGE deal and this is somehow different. I would make a big deal out of how this is just as much stealing as taking $300, walk through exactly how much he spent, etc. I would make him work off the money. Then I'd give him another chance but w/ heavy monitoring. It may be a one time thing. 13 year olds are impulsive and do incredibly stupid things. They also aren't great judges of moral equivalency.

[Anonymous]

I vote for a 3 page essay and 30 hours of chores at $10/hour. And he can get his phone and iPad back when he finishes his chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s up with the essay writing? I’ve read about it before on DCUM and find it so ridiculous. Like a forced writing assignment will have some effect.

Critical thinking and self reflection. It’s how minds grow