13 yo & unauthorized charges on our credit card - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

Okay, so you're projecting your issues from your "ridiculously strict parents" onto this situation

This kid basically stole $300 from mom and dad. Um, that s 100% unacceptable and they need to make it clear to him. Doing this does not make them "ridiculously strict" like yours. SMDH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

No. Because I have clear punishments without emotion nor do I connect their actions to my ego as a parent, they understand actions and consequences.

Their friend who have really strict insane parents that say such things as "I am embarrassed" "I can't even believe this after he had not made any mistakes lately" as if this is a landslide into prison life.

They will never turn to you for anything if $300 takes you to your knees.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the essay and taking away the iphone and ipad as punishments. In the future, if he wants to buy stuff like that, he can pay for it - with some portion of his birthday money or his allowance, whatever. He's old enough to understand the value of money, so this could be a good place to start those lessons. And make it clear that he is not allowed to use your cc without permission and if this ever happens again, he will need to pay you back for any unauthorized charges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

Okay, so you're projecting your issues from your "ridiculously strict parents" onto this situation

This kid basically stole $300 from mom and dad. Um, that s 100% unacceptable and they need to make it clear to him. Doing this does not make them "ridiculously strict" like yours. SMDH.

Nobody is saying he should not be punished but you can tell from the post that OP is overly emotional about the situation.

This is how the post should sound.

Found $300 of unauthorized charges to my account for Fortnight. Son finally admitted it after lying.

He is grounded from iPhone, Ipad and is writing an essay about lying. Generally good kid... grades, chores, sports.

WWYD, is that enough, I'm pissed but trying to be strict without overreacting.

Instead she posted a tl;dr message with tons of emotions.

[Anonymous]

Holy sheeeit. Corporal punishment would be involved in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids make mistakes. This is clearly a big one and I'm sure he knows that. From what you describe of his reaction to being found out and his heavy schedule he may be suffering from anxiety and was using the game as an escape. I wouldn't have him write the essay on why it's important to be honest, instead I'd have him do some research on the addicting aspects of video games and gambling (they are very similar in the reward structure and dopamine response in the brain). It would probably help him understand why he felt compelled to steal when he normally would not think of taking money out of your wallet to buy himself candy or toys, etc.

I'm sure other parents will come on here and suggest you lay down the law (and that I'm excusing his behavior), but I think turning this into some self-reflective research might do better in the long run.

Haven't you or your DH gotten caught up in something and ended up spending way more money than you had intended? I have.

My god, the coddling and excuse making!

Yes it absolutely is! But that doesn't mean it isn't the right tact to take. You know why? Because he is 13. He is just starting the process of figuring out who he is as a person. He is just starting to listen to his friends more than his parents. And he already knows what he did was beyond the pale even if he acts like it was no big deal. I'm certainly not saying he shouldn't be responsible for his actions or that he needs to be monitored or protected more online (through whatever means necessary). But he does need to know that despite making a mistake he is not a bad kid. If you take all of his stuff away, make him work the roughly 600 hours it would take to make that money back (even if that is possible at 13 which I highly doubt), write an essay about why he is a bad person for not being honest, you will lose him. And the next time he needs to blow off some steam it won't be with video games.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Preach!

[Anonymous]

30 hours of work for me @ $10/hour. I'm guessing I'd have a great-looking lawn, attic & garage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

No. Because I have clear punishments without emotion nor do I connect their actions to my ego as a parent, they understand actions and consequences.

Their friend who have really strict insane parents that say such things as "I am embarrassed" "I can't even believe this after he had not made any mistakes lately" as if this is a landslide into prison life.

They will never turn to you for anything if $300 takes you to your knees.

First, it's not about $300, it's about *stealing* $300. Big difference and kind of dishonest of you to frame it that way. You and I and I'm sure OP would drop $300 on our kid in a second for crap that we think they should have or need. This is about stealing and lying - and no, this is not a "I accidentally overspent" scenario - he went and got the card, entered in the numbers, and THEN spent $300.

Second, parents are not machines. It's quite disturbing that you think that behaving like a robot is the ideal way to parent. Parents are human and should appropriately react in situations. Finding out that your teenager stole from you is a cause for some emotion.

Now that you mention it, I find your "having clear punishments without emotion" to be kind of weird and disturbing. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

Okay, so you're projecting your issues from your "ridiculously strict parents" onto this situation

This kid basically stole $300 from mom and dad. Um, that s 100% unacceptable and they need to make it clear to him. Doing this does not make them "ridiculously strict" like yours. SMDH.

Nobody is saying he should not be punished but you can tell from the post that OP is overly emotional about the situation.

This is how the post should sound.

Found $300 of unauthorized charges to my account for Fortnight. Son finally admitted it after lying.

He is grounded from iPhone, Ipad and is writing an essay about lying. Generally good kid... grades, chores, sports.

WWYD, is that enough, I'm pissed but trying to be strict without overreacting.

Instead she posted a tl;dr message with tons of emotions.

Is this the DCUM WASP Anonymous thread or something? What is it with you cold fish and your extreme fear of emotions?

[Anonymous]

OP here. By the way I was not “emotional” when I approached DS and I don’t know why some think my post was “emotional”. I certainly don’t want to push my DD away - trust me I never went to my mom when I was a teenager, and I try to foster open relationship with my sons. He came to my bedroom while I was reading last night to talk. I told him I value honesty and it’s really important to tell me the truth - especially when it’s bad. He mainly laid down at the bottom of our bed and sat silently. I didn’t break the silence except to say I hope he comes to me for everything - and I mean everything. I like the suggestion of having him write an essay about Addictive video games and gambling. I’m trying to use this as a learning opportunity, and not have some power struggle. I don’t post a lot here and hoping the DCUM+D “village” can provide constructive ideas. The Apple rep mentioned she gets daily calls about these sorts of unauthorized charges and most times the parents say “no no, Jonny would never have done that !” She said she’s glad we got to the bottom of it and aren’t in denial like most parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

No. Because I have clear punishments without emotion nor do I connect their actions to my ego as a parent, they understand actions and consequences.

Their friend who have really strict insane parents that say such things as "I am embarrassed" "I can't even believe this after he had not made any mistakes lately" as if this is a landslide into prison life.

They will never turn to you for anything if $300 takes you to your knees.

First, it's not about $300, it's about *stealing* $300. Big difference and kind of dishonest of you to frame it that way. You and I and I'm sure OP would drop $300 on our kid in a second for crap that we think they should have or need. This is about stealing and lying - and no, this is not a "I accidentally overspent" scenario - he went and got the card, entered in the numbers, and THEN spent $300.

Second, parents are not machines. It's quite disturbing that you think that behaving like a robot is the ideal way to parent. Parents are human and should appropriately react in situations. Finding out that your teenager stole from you is a cause for some emotion.

Now that you mention it, I find your "having clear punishments without emotion" to be kind of weird and disturbing. Yikes.

It doesn't matter if it is $300 or about stealing.

Pick a punishment, execute it, keep emotions out of it, move on.

If you can't control your emotions without being a robot, i suggest reading about mindfulness and meditation.

Your emotions are connect to your ego. Yes parents have egos, that is normal. Putting your ego on your kids is not normal it is toxic... again counseling and meditation can help you with that.

I find "punishing with emotion" toxic. Very toxic, probably narcissistic, possibly borderline personality disordered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

Okay, so you're projecting your issues from your "ridiculously strict parents" onto this situation

This kid basically stole $300 from mom and dad. Um, that s 100% unacceptable and they need to make it clear to him. Doing this does not make them "ridiculously strict" like yours. SMDH.

Nobody is saying he should not be punished but you can tell from the post that OP is overly emotional about the situation.

This is how the post should sound.

Found $300 of unauthorized charges to my account for Fortnight. Son finally admitted it after lying.

He is grounded from iPhone, Ipad and is writing an essay about lying. Generally good kid... grades, chores, sports.

WWYD, is that enough, I'm pissed but trying to be strict without overreacting.

Instead she posted a tl;dr message with tons of emotions.

Is this the DCUM WASP Anonymous thread or something? What is it with you cold fish and your extreme fear of emotions?

What with DCUM narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids make mistakes. This is clearly a big one and I'm sure he knows that. From what you describe of his reaction to being found out and his heavy schedule he may be suffering from anxiety and was using the game as an escape. I wouldn't have him write the essay on why it's important to be honest, instead I'd have him do some research on the addicting aspects of video games and gambling (they are very similar in the reward structure and dopamine response in the brain). It would probably help him understand why he felt compelled to steal when he normally would not think of taking money out of your wallet to buy himself candy or toys, etc.

I'm sure other parents will come on here and suggest you lay down the law (and that I'm excusing his behavior), but I think turning this into some self-reflective research might do better in the long run.

Haven't you or your DH gotten caught up in something and ended up spending way more money than you had intended? I have.

My god, the coddling and excuse making!

Yes it absolutely is! But that doesn't mean it isn't the right tact to take. You know why? Because he is 13. He is just starting the process of figuring out who he is as a person. He is just starting to listen to his friends more than his parents. And he already knows what he did was beyond the pale even if he acts like it was no big deal. I'm certainly not saying he shouldn't be responsible for his actions or that he needs to be monitored or protected more online (through whatever means necessary). But he does need to know that despite making a mistake he is not a bad kid. If you take all of his stuff away, make him work the roughly 600 hours it would take to make that money back (even if that is possible at 13 which I highly doubt), write an essay about why he is a bad person for not being honest, you will lose him. And the next time he needs to blow off some steam it won't be with video games.

Wtf...it does not take "600 hours" to make $300 back. Not even close. MAYBE 30 hours. Which by the way, is entirely appropriate. And working 30 hours to learn the value of $300 is not going to cause OP to "lose him," lmao. How ridiculous

Also? The kid showed every indication that he *doesn't* "already know what he did was beyond the pale." You're making that up too.

So you go out of your way to exaggerate/create fiction to win. Such BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

No. Because I have clear punishments without emotion nor do I connect their actions to my ego as a parent, they understand actions and consequences.

Their friend who have really strict insane parents that say such things as "I am embarrassed" "I can't even believe this after he had not made any mistakes lately" as if this is a landslide into prison life.

They will never turn to you for anything if $300 takes you to your knees.

First, it's not about $300, it's about *stealing* $300. Big difference and kind of dishonest of you to frame it that way. You and I and I'm sure OP would drop $300 on our kid in a second for crap that we think they should have or need. This is about stealing and lying - and no, this is not a "I accidentally overspent" scenario - he went and got the card, entered in the numbers, and THEN spent $300.

Second, parents are not machines. It's quite disturbing that you think that behaving like a robot is the ideal way to parent. Parents are human and should appropriately react in situations. Finding out that your teenager stole from you is a cause for some emotion.

Now that you mention it, I find your "having clear punishments without emotion" to be kind of weird and disturbing. Yikes.

It doesn't matter if it is $300 or about stealing.

Pick a punishment, execute it, keep emotions out of it, move on.

If you can't control your emotions without being a robot, i suggest reading about mindfulness and meditation.

Your emotions are connect to your ego. Yes parents have egos, that is normal. Putting your ego on your kids is not normal it is toxic... again counseling and meditation can help you with that.

I find "punishing with emotion" toxic. Very toxic, probably narcissistic, possibly borderline personality disordered.

Omg, the armchair psychobabble bull shit is here.

BTW, "having emotions" doesn't mean "punishing with emotions." Not the same thing. But sure, keep making crap up.