13 yo & unauthorized charges on our credit card - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I discovered 5-6 iTunes charges on my credit card over the past 15-20 days. Turns out 13 yo DS took my credit card and entered it to his Apple ID. He’s been playing Fort Nite on his iPad. He only gets the iPad on weekends and he lost his iPhone privileges a long time ago (long story but combo of bad grades and bad attitude) and was *just* about to get the iPhone back until we learned of the unauthorized charges. Grades and attitude have improved remarkably but I am so disappointed at his dishonesty. Initially he denied it then when faced with proof he didn’t apologize. He sulked for hours and cried that we’ve taken everything away from him. iTunes is refunding the $300+ charges. iPad has been taken away.
I’m always telling my kids “what happens in the dark comes out in the light” ALWAYS. He’s a good kid, does his own laundry every Sunday, takes out trash and vacuums, is getting A’s and B’s taking the most challenging courses his school offers. He plays travel level sports (he loves it) and has a solid groups of good friends who all seem to be good boys. I’m surprised that he thought he could get away with this. What’s the appropriate punishment ? I told him to write an essay on why it’s important to be honest. WWYD??

[Anonymous]

It was $300 something? Wow.

Make him write an essay on what he did wrong, why it’s wrong, and why he shouldn’t do it again.

Put the purchase protection on all his devices.

[Anonymous]

Does he have impulse issues (stemming from ADHD)? There would be no more tech at all until the next school year.

He can work to pay back the $300.

[Anonymous]

An aside, but I think it is crappy of you to expect Apple to refund you the $300. I get the technical point that he isn't an authorized user but still he's your kid. He should pay off the charges with chores or other work around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I discovered 5-6 iTunes charges on my credit card over the past 15-20 days. Turns out 13 yo DS took my credit card and entered it to his Apple ID. He’s been playing Fort Nite on his iPad. He only gets the iPad on weekends and he lost his iPhone privileges a long time ago (long story but combo of bad grades and bad attitude) and was *just* about to get the iPhone back until we learned of the unauthorized charges. Grades and attitude have improved remarkably but I am so disappointed at his dishonesty. Initially he denied it then when faced with proof he didn’t apologize. He sulked for hours and cried that we’ve taken everything away from him. iTunes is refunding the $300+ charges. iPad has been taken away.
I’m always telling my kids “what happens in the dark comes out in the light” ALWAYS. He’s a good kid, does his own laundry every Sunday, takes out trash and vacuums, is getting A’s and B’s taking the most challenging courses his school offers. He plays travel level sports (he loves it) and has a solid groups of good friends who all seem to be good boys. I’m surprised that he thought he could get away with this. What’s the appropriate punishment ? I told him to write an essay on why it’s important to be honest. WWYD??

You have already given him an appropriate punishment.

You need to remove your emotions from the situation... he is a good kid that makes mistakes, congratulation.

Your ego is tied up into him being perfect and he will eventually rebel if you don't chill.

He does something inappropriate, you take away the iPad and iPhone for X day/weeks/months. Then you move on with life.

Maybe he learned sulking from you.

[Anonymous]

Kids make mistakes. This is clearly a big one and I'm sure he knows that. From what you describe of his reaction to being found out and his heavy schedule he may be suffering from anxiety and was using the game as an escape. I wouldn't have him write the essay on why it's important to be honest, instead I'd have him do some research on the addicting aspects of video games and gambling (they are very similar in the reward structure and dopamine response in the brain). It would probably help him understand why he felt compelled to steal when he normally would not think of taking money out of your wallet to buy himself candy or toys, etc.

I'm sure other parents will come on here and suggest you lay down the law (and that I'm excusing his behavior), but I think turning this into some self-reflective research might do better in the long run.

Haven't you or your DH gotten caught up in something and ended up spending way more money than you had intended? I have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An aside, but I think it is crappy of you to expect Apple to refund you the $300. I get the technical point that he isn't an authorized user but still he's your kid. He should pay off the charges with chores or other work around the house.

It's Apples policy to refund parents purchases that kids make in this manner. It happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An aside, but I think it is crappy of you to expect Apple to refund you the $300. I get the technical point that he isn't an authorized user but still he's your kid. He should pay off the charges with chores or other work around the house.

I agree that in addiction to other punishments, he should work off the $300. This is as much a "value of money" issue as it is his lying and stealing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids make mistakes. This is clearly a big one and I'm sure he knows that. From what you describe of his reaction to being found out and his heavy schedule he may be suffering from anxiety and was using the game as an escape. I wouldn't have him write the essay on why it's important to be honest, instead I'd have him do some research on the addicting aspects of video games and gambling (they are very similar in the reward structure and dopamine response in the brain). It would probably help him understand why he felt compelled to steal when he normally would not think of taking money out of your wallet to buy himself candy or toys, etc.

I'm sure other parents will come on here and suggest you lay down the law (and that I'm excusing his behavior), but I think turning this into some self-reflective research might do better in the long run.

Haven't you or your DH gotten caught up in something and ended up spending way more money than you had intended? I have.

My god, the coddling and excuse making!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I discovered 5-6 iTunes charges on my credit card over the past 15-20 days. Turns out 13 yo DS took my credit card and entered it to his Apple ID. He’s been playing Fort Nite on his iPad. He only gets the iPad on weekends and he lost his iPhone privileges a long time ago (long story but combo of bad grades and bad attitude) and was *just* about to get the iPhone back until we learned of the unauthorized charges. Grades and attitude have improved remarkably but I am so disappointed at his dishonesty. Initially he denied it then when faced with proof he didn’t apologize. He sulked for hours and cried that we’ve taken everything away from him. iTunes is refunding the $300+ charges. iPad has been taken away.
I’m always telling my kids “what happens in the dark comes out in the light” ALWAYS. He’s a good kid, does his own laundry every Sunday, takes out trash and vacuums, is getting A’s and B’s taking the most challenging courses his school offers. He plays travel level sports (he loves it) and has a solid groups of good friends who all seem to be good boys. I’m surprised that he thought he could get away with this. What’s the appropriate punishment ? I told him to write an essay on why it’s important to be honest. WWYD??

Did he spend it all on Fortnite? What were the charges for?

[Anonymous]

Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

[Anonymous]

OP here- all Fortnite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- all Fortnite

That's a game where he's basically shooting other players with his buddies and buying what? Weapons he uses in the game? What an idiot. He needs to learn exactly how many hours he needs to devote to get the $300 he just blew. I don't think that your refund really matters in this regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.