13 yo & unauthorized charges on our credit card - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it's the parents fault for not monitoring their credit card? Come on.

Parents, obviously, know more than we do about the kid. I would like to know why a 13 year old doesn't have his own money to spend on the game, or, if he does, why does he choose not to spend the money. I don't care much about the punishment, but rather focus on what can be still learned from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids make mistakes. This is clearly a big one and I'm sure he knows that. From what you describe of his reaction to being found out and his heavy schedule he may be suffering from anxiety and was using the game as an escape. I wouldn't have him write the essay on why it's important to be honest, instead I'd have him do some research on the addicting aspects of video games and gambling (they are very similar in the reward structure and dopamine response in the brain). It would probably help him understand why he felt compelled to steal when he normally would not think of taking money out of your wallet to buy himself candy or toys, etc.

I'm sure other parents will come on here and suggest you lay down the law (and that I'm excusing his behavior), but I think turning this into some self-reflective research might do better in the long run.

Haven't you or your DH gotten caught up in something and ended up spending way more money than you had intended? I have.[b]

I'm guessing you were spending your own money/using your own credit card or a card on which you were an authorized user, though, not racking up charges on a credit card you never had permission to use in the first place. Big difference!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- all Fortnite

MS teacher here. Fortnite is very addictive. It was the subject of a Community Circle for my students (all high risk kids) the other day and the consensus was that the maker needs to take it off the market a la Angry Birds. I thought it was very interesting that they thought it was such a risk that the maker should remove the product. Now, all my students are high risk so you have to take it with a grain of salt, but I can see how your kid got sucked into it, OP.

Sorry this has happened. Sounds like you're taking the right steps already. Definitely up the parental controls on all devices and keep all electronics in common areas of the house (no tv, laptops, ipads, ChromeBooks, cell phones, etc) in the bedroom.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

Did you steal their credit card number, charge $300 and tell lies about it? It's not the smallest thing, it's completely different from what you describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

Did you steal their credit card number, charge $300 and tell lies about it? It's not the smallest thing, it's completely different from what you describing.

Way worse than $300 on fortnight. Of course I learned to lie when I was young since my parents were crazy so they never learned about the worst of the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

Did you steal their credit card number, charge $300 and tell lies about it? It's not the smallest thing, it's completely different from what you describing.

Way worse than $300 on fortnight. Of course I learned to lie when I was young since my parents were crazy so they never learned about the worst of the worst.

So you were a very bad but sneaky teen, but it's your parents fault that they were strict?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An aside, but I think it is crappy of you to expect Apple to refund you the $300. I get the technical point that he isn't an authorized user but still he's your kid. He should pay off the charges with chores or other work around the house.

They do this generally.

Same situation with my eldest son. Around $600 worth of music purchases when he was 13/14 (longer period of time). Actually only reason we contacted Apple was because of another issue, and it came up and they were quick to refund the money. Honestly, I was surprised because we had actually linked our card to his account ourselves (this was in 2007-08, so me and DH were not tech savvy, we didn't know that by adding our card all the info was saved and he could buy whatever he wanted).

I wish I could offer advice. We instituted a laundry list of chores so he could 'work off the debt' (all the money he earned actually went into a college savings account), took away his IPod (he didn't have a phone at the time), video game console/etc.

We also watched our finances more carefully. Which made us realize he had figured out where we kept all our cash on hand and was also skimming cash on top of the iTunes theft. For the next three years we tried everything to help him - therapy, loss of any and all privilidges, tough love, chores, etc.

I wish I could say something worked. But he is now 24, addicted to several hard drugs, living out of a dilopidated house in another city and (barely) supporting himself by working service industry jobs. He never went to college (he was actually a good student, 3.9gpa, well liked by teachers, etc) despite being offered a very generous scholarship and having thousands saved up in his college account (sadly most due to our attempts to have him "pay us back").

The biggest thing I would do is keep a sharp eye on your finances. Honestly, when the iTunes robbery came to our attention we just assumed he was 13 and didn't really understand what he had done - at the time it was 99cents/song and we assumed he decided to download a song and didn't ask us about it because we weren't around. And then just continued to do it.

But once we realized he had been skimming cash it became clear that not only this 13/14 year old know exactly what he was doing but he also had a very clear plan and system to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you totally over react about Fortnight use... your next 4 years will involve drinking, drugs and sex.

If you are overly harsh and emotional about this one, you will cut off communication channels when they really matter. Because Fortnight won't kill you ... the other 3 might.

Disagree.

Because you're a permissive and spineless parent, your kids learn to not respect you, nor do they think consequences really follow from bad decisions.

To each his own, I guess. I had ridiculously strict parents who over-reacted at the smallest thing. This is so even though I got straight A's, played a varsity sport, was a student leader, had nice friends, and never caused them any significant grief as a teen. I didn't respect them, I feared them. There is a difference. As a result, I no longer speak to one and barely to the other.

Did you steal their credit card number, charge $300 and tell lies about it? It's not the smallest thing, it's completely different from what you describing.

Way worse than $300 on fortnight. Of course I learned to lie when I was young since my parents were crazy so they never learned about the worst of the worst.

So you were a very bad but sneaky teen, but it's your parents fault that they were strict?

It's like that poster was just sitting and waiting for someone to make the comparison so she could say she was worse... lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- all Fortnite

MS teacher here. Fortnite is very addictive. It was the subject of a Community Circle for my students (all high risk kids) the other day and the consensus was that the maker needs to take it off the market a la Angry Birds. I thought it was very interesting that they thought it was such a risk that the maker should remove the product. Now, all my students are high risk so you have to take it with a grain of salt, but I can see how your kid got sucked into it, OP.

Sorry this has happened. Sounds like you're taking the right steps already. Definitely up the parental controls on all devices and keep all electronics in common areas of the house (no tv, laptops, ipads, ChromeBooks, cell phones, etc) in the bedroom.

Good luck.

I asked a kid about this. The kid's reaction was that everything important about Fortnite is free. The kid wondered why anyone would spend money on Fortnite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- all Fortnite

MS teacher here. Fortnite is very addictive. It was the subject of a Community Circle for my students (all high risk kids) the other day and the consensus was that the maker needs to take it off the market a la Angry Birds. I thought it was very interesting that they thought it was such a risk that the maker should remove the product. Now, all my students are high risk so you have to take it with a grain of salt, but I can see how your kid got sucked into it, OP.

Sorry this has happened. Sounds like you're taking the right steps already. Definitely up the parental controls on all devices and keep all electronics in common areas of the house (no tv, laptops, ipads, ChromeBooks, cell phones, etc) in the bedroom.

Good luck.

I asked a kid about this. The kid's reaction was that everything important about Fortnite is free. The kid wondered why anyone would spend money on Fortnite.

Huh, interesting. I didn't even think about that part since we didn't even talk about the cost in the Circle. My students were totally focused on how addictive it was. We're a Title I school anyway so anything that charges usually would mean my students aren't doing it. I wonder why OP said it was Fortnite charges, then!?! Weird.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you need to give your kid more of a sense of autonomy in at least some areas. Trust his goodness a bit more. Dishonesty sometimes comes because a kid feels like you will say no to their requests no matter what.

Just heard a talk by the authors of "the self-driven child." Sounds like it might be good to read. I'm not saying your son wasn't wrong. And it sounds like he doesn't fully appreciate why it was wrong. But it also sounds like maybe there are things he'd love for you to understand that he doesn't feel like you're capable of understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- all Fortnite

MS teacher here. Fortnite is very addictive. It was the subject of a Community Circle for my students (all high risk kids) the other day and the consensus was that the maker needs to take it off the market a la Angry Birds. I thought it was very interesting that they thought it was such a risk that the maker should remove the product. Now, all my students are high risk so you have to take it with a grain of salt, but I can see how your kid got sucked into it, OP.

Sorry this has happened. Sounds like you're taking the right steps already. Definitely up the parental controls on all devices and keep all electronics in common areas of the house (no tv, laptops, ipads, ChromeBooks, cell phones, etc) in the bedroom.

Good luck.

I asked a kid about this. The kid's reaction was that everything important about Fortnite is free. The kid wondered why anyone would spend money on Fortnite.

Huh, interesting. I didn't even think about that part since we didn't even talk about the cost in the Circle. My students were totally focused on how addictive it was. We're a Title I school anyway so anything that charges usually would mean my students aren't doing it. I wonder why OP said it was Fortnite charges, then!?! Weird.

You progress faster if you spend money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- all Fortnite

MS teacher here. Fortnite is very addictive. It was the subject of a Community Circle for my students (all high risk kids) the other day and the consensus was that the maker needs to take it off the market a la Angry Birds. I thought it was very interesting that they thought it was such a risk that the maker should remove the product. Now, all my students are high risk so you have to take it with a grain of salt, but I can see how your kid got sucked into it, OP.

Sorry this has happened. Sounds like you're taking the right steps already. Definitely up the parental controls on all devices and keep all electronics in common areas of the house (no tv, laptops, ipads, ChromeBooks, cell phones, etc) in the bedroom.

Good luck.

I asked a kid about this. The kid's reaction was that everything important about Fortnite is free. The kid wondered why anyone would spend money on Fortnite.

Huh, interesting. I didn't even think about that part since we didn't even talk about the cost in the Circle. My students were totally focused on how addictive it was. We're a Title I school anyway so anything that charges usually would mean my students aren't doing it. I wonder why OP said it was Fortnite charges, then!?! Weird.

You progress faster if you spend money.

I talked to my students about it again. Each of them said that they had paid $10 for something (they said what it was but I can't remember) but then that they played without needing to spend any money. I asked them a few different ways but they all attested that they only paid the $10. One kid pulled it up on his phone and showed me a store but he seemed disinclined to use it. I am sure a big part was the lack of access to cash. A few were indicating that they thought it was time for them to stop. Phew! Their consensus continues to be that the game is highly addicting and that it is not a game they would introduce to a younger sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I discovered 5-6 iTunes charges on my credit card over the past 15-20 days. Turns out 13 yo DS took my credit card and entered it to his Apple ID. He’s been playing Fort Nite on his iPad. He only gets the iPad on weekends and he lost his iPhone privileges a long time ago (long story but combo of bad grades and bad attitude) and was *just* about to get the iPhone back until we learned of the unauthorized charges. Grades and attitude have improved remarkably but I am so disappointed at his dishonesty. Initially he denied it then when faced with proof he didn’t apologize. He sulked for hours and cried that we’ve taken everything away from him. iTunes is refunding the $300+ charges. iPad has been taken away.
I’m always telling my kids “what happens in the dark comes out in the light” ALWAYS. He’s a good kid, does his own laundry every Sunday, takes out trash and vacuums, is getting A’s and B’s taking the most challenging courses his school offers. He plays travel level sports (he loves it) and has a solid groups of good friends who all seem to be good boys. I’m surprised that he thought he could get away with this. What’s the appropriate punishment ? I told him to write an essay on why it’s important to be honest. WWYD??

You have already given him an appropriate punishment.

You need to remove your emotions from the situation... he is a good kid that makes mistakes, congratulation.

Your ego is tied up into him being perfect and he will eventually rebel if you don't chill.

He does something inappropriate, you take away the iPad and iPhone for X day/weeks/months. Then you move on with life.

Maybe he learned sulking from you.

Agree you have a good kid.
He got caught up in those stupid video games! I hate them.

[Anonymous]

I would make him (and not Apple) pay for it.