I'm 40 and I make $20 per hour

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be glad that you are a hands on mom and that you're putting your family first. You're 40 and you need to stop caring about what people think. It sounds like you're happy with your job. You do realize that if you took a more demanding, higher paying job, that you wouldn't be able to be there for your kids, since your husband works so much, right? So be happy with your choices.

Not OP, but I needed to hear this. It *is* a choice for me.
I know that it is not a choice for others. And, more importantly, I also know that even when it is a choice, others may choose differently from me because they value their careers/self more than their role as mother/caregiver, and that is fine too.

I think I'm struggling with the idea that we, as a society, used to feel that SAHM was the job of most prestige. Women who became mothers only worked when they "had to"...and then slowly that shifted to become the empowered thing to have choices. And now the pendulum has swung completely to the opposite side where there is now disdain for SAHM, and those moms feel that pretty heavily.

The problem lies in women feeling the need to staunchly defend their choices by putting down the other choice as inferior or unimportant work, rather than celebrating that we now have options and none of those options is a WASTE. It's just a different choice!

OP I wrote a supportive post earlier, but after reading this, you sound truly clueless. SAHM was never "prestigious." I mean, for the women it works out for, sure, but get out of your bubble and talk to women older than you, from generations where women didn't have the options we have today, whose husbands left them with very little or who were wealthy at one time but then things changed, or whose DH became unemployed. I grew up pretty wealthy and my mom's circle all stayed home, and many of them are divorced and working retail now. Lots of DHs ended up being successful in their youth but one lay off or market crash later and a lot of them turned into alcoholics and lost everything.

Ask a woman who got two years of alimony after being out of the workforce for 20 years how prestigious it is.

You need to educate yourself, get out of your bubble, and quit worrying how people perceive you. Do what makes YOU happy, not what will make other people think differently about you.

[Anonymous]

And, more importantly, I also know that even when it is a choice, others may choose differently from me because they value their careers/self more than their role as mother/caregiver, and that is fine too.

Wow. Well, as long as you aren't being judgmental .....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be glad that you are a hands on mom and that you're putting your family first. You're 40 and you need to stop caring about what people think. It sounds like you're happy with your job. You do realize that if you took a more demanding, higher paying job, that you wouldn't be able to be there for your kids, since your husband works so much, right? So be happy with your choices.

Not OP, but I needed to hear this. It *is* a choice for me.
I know that it is not a choice for others. And, more importantly, I also know that even when it is a choice, others may choose differently from me because they value their careers/self more than their role as mother/caregiver, and that is fine too.

I think I'm struggling with the idea that we, as a society, used to feel that SAHM was the job of most prestige. Women who became mothers only worked when they "had to"...and then slowly that shifted to become the empowered thing to have choices. And now the pendulum has swung completely to the opposite side where there is now disdain for SAHM, and those moms feel that pretty heavily.

The problem lies in women feeling the need to staunchly defend their choices by putting down the other choice as inferior or unimportant work, rather than celebrating that we now have options and none of those options is a WASTE. It's just a different choice!

Sorry - see that this not OP. But my point is the same - do what works for you and your family!
OP I wrote a supportive post earlier, but after reading this, you sound truly clueless. SAHM was never "prestigious." I mean, for the women it works out for, sure, but get out of your bubble and talk to women older than you, from generations where women didn't have the options we have today, whose husbands left them with very little or who were wealthy at one time but then things changed, or whose DH became unemployed. I grew up pretty wealthy and my mom's circle all stayed home, and many of them are divorced and working retail now. Lots of DHs ended up being successful in their youth but one lay off or market crash later and a lot of them turned into alcoholics and lost everything.

Ask a woman who got two years of alimony after being out of the workforce for 20 years how prestigious it is.

You need to educate yourself, get out of your bubble, and quit worrying how people perceive you. Do what makes YOU happy, not what will make other people think differently about you.

[Anonymous]

Ugh sorry! Tried to say sorry that the poster I responded to was not op but that my point is the same - do what works for you and your family- not what others think!

[Anonymous]

OP, I also have a very similar background and circumstances. If anything, I think non-profits are lucky to have highly educated, high-achieving employees who can help them do good because their work is so necessary. Try to shift your focus away from your pay and to the fact that you are fortunate to have coworkers you enjoy and a mission that you believe in.

Also, research supports the fact that the happiest and most fulfilled people are those with strong relationships with others. Use your free time to nurture your friendships and build new ones. Far better than spending time pushing papers on your desk!

Finally, if you really want to pursue your career, volunteer in an area relevant to your career interests and when your kids are older, pour your energy into your career. Seek out older women as mentors and hear their stories. I'm sure you'll be inspired. My friend's mom took time off to raise her 3 kids and once they were grown reinvented herself as a businesswoman in her 40s and worked her way back up again. She is a happy working woman in her early 60s.

Good luck and blessings to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I barely graduated from high school after two summers of summer school, failed out of one college and then took five years to get a two-year degree. I definitely don't think I peaked in high school or college.

Why don't you just be a hot partner's wife? I work at a law firm and was just talking with a partner - his wife tends their garden and manages their other properties, but doesn't have a formal job.

That is a formal job! As is parenting. Please, ladies, remember that! Just no monetary remuneration for it, that's all. I agree with PP (22:54) on this point: "I feel like I've swallowed the current cultural-think that our careers define our value in life. I just feel it everywhere." It is a challenge, but one that I've taken on as a single working parent nearing her 40th birthday, to reject that very idea: My career does not define my value in life. Sure, my peers from college and high school are in senior management, executive roles, and doing well financially speaking. And at one point in my life, I had those ambitions, being an Overachiever myself. But then I had my DD, and lived overseas for a while, have been humbled and made aware of the harsh realities of our society -- all because of a shift in socio-economic class. To reduce the value of my life to the career I have, the wealth I acquire, and the power I can wield over others would be depressing, and a recipe for disaster in the long run for me as parent, and for my DD.

OP, use this opportunity to do something you've always wanted to do or try but never had the courage or confidence to do. Take some risks, stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone, and most of all, surround yourself with women (people) who will love you, see you, hear you, support you, and push you, and guide you along the way! I have been fortunate to find a positive, inspiring parenting and professional support groups & spaces in the last 2 years , which has been immensely helpful for me. Not sure where I would be without them.

Lastly, be kind and compassionate with yourself. Being a SAH parent and being an awakened, present parent is the most important jobs we have. Say that, know that, believe that, live that! Our children need to know that, but it can only happen if we, ourselves, believe and live that truth!

+1,000
Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband works about 70 hour weeks, travels, and works about 2 weekends per month. We have no local family and we've never had any kind of childcare help. So all the childcare is on me.

I took this job (20 hours per week) once the kids were in preschool so I could get some intellectual stimulation, do something meaningful to me (I work for a non-profit doing work that is meaningful), and have a flexible job so I can be the one to take off for sick days, snow days, etc. because my husband would never take time off work last minute for sick days/snow days. I love my organization, my co-workers, and the nature of the work. Unfortunately though that means the job is super low paying and low prestige. The job works for our family but it makes me feel bad about myself because I earn so little.

I just feel very lost, like how did an Ivy League college grad/super smart woman end up making $20 per hour? I have avoided all my high school and college reunions because I feel like such a big loser. I don't want anyone at the reunions to think, "What happened to her?" They're all Doctors and lawyers and have full-time nannies/au pairs and have been able to make it work with a "big" career and a family. I didn't want to go the nanny/au pair route and with no family help, a $20 job was all I could come up with.

You didn't want to go the nanny/au pair route, and so you didn't. You should be proud that you and your husband both value having a parent available for your kids, and that you did what you needed to to make this happen. I'm also an Ivy League grad who worked for a decade and now I SAH with my kids. I wouldn't want it any other way. One day, I'll return to work, though I'm well aware it won't be the job I left, at least not at first. But I'm ok with that because the choice I made (to be home with my kids) *far* outweighs any prestige I might derive from my career. I think you're just going to have to own your choices and be proud of them, because you're raising your kids the way you feel is most important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Own your choices, OP. You are a logical woman, with free will. To hell with the expectations of others. You are allowed to want what you want and go out and get it.

THIS.

And I would add (to the OP), many of your college friends have probably made the same choices. I know mine have. I'm not embarrassed about a thing. Why would I be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to throw sand in the cake batter and say that I don't think parenting is the most important job in the world. Neither does OP. That is what leads to the sense of a lack of fulfillment. Some years ago Caitlin Flanagan wrote an excellent piece about it in The Atlantic. As the mother of 3 daughters I actually find the "parenting is all" idea dangerous. We are telling girls and women to always choose someone else first. This world loses so much because women devote it to their children instead of society at large.

I'm wondering what on earth could be more important than devoting time to one's own children. What a strange outlook on life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You obviously were able to marry your intellectual equal because of your education. The education and brains that you and your husband have have in turn led to a good high paying career for at least one of you. This has enabled you to have the option to work or not work. Your kids are lucky to live in an affluent household with a super educated SAHM. It is a win for your family and ultimately you. I think that matters.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be glad that you are a hands on mom and that you're putting your family first. You're 40 and you need to stop caring about what people think. It sounds like you're happy with your job. You do realize that if you took a more demanding, higher paying job, that you wouldn't be able to be there for your kids, since your husband works so much, right? So be happy with your choices.

Not OP, but I needed to hear this. It *is* a choice for me.
I know that it is not a choice for others. And, more importantly, I also know that even when it is a choice, others may choose differently from me because they value their careers/self more than their role as mother/caregiver, and that is fine too.

I think I'm struggling with the idea that we, as a society, used to feel that SAHM was the job of most prestige. Women who became mothers only worked when they "had to"...and then slowly that shifted to become the empowered thing to have choices. And now the pendulum has swung completely to the opposite side where there is now disdain for SAHM, and those moms feel that pretty heavily.

The problem lies in women feeling the need to staunchly defend their choices by putting down the other choice as inferior or unimportant work, rather than celebrating that we now have options and none of those options is a WASTE. It's just a different choice!

I agree, but re: your comment in bold, I think it's only here on DCUM that you see disdain for SAHMs, and even then, only from certain unhappy people. I've never encountered this IRL - if anything, quite the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am 40 and make more than three times as much as you. However, I just finished crying hysterically because I am so tired from my full time plus job on top of dragging the kids to activities, helping them with homework, etc. And I have a helpful spouse, he just has a full time plus job too. I haven't gone to the gym in a month and a half, and I know I am developing a cavity but can't manage to schedule a dentist appointment that works with my work schedule and the kids' schedule. Nobody has everything, it sounds like you are doing just fine.

+1,000,000
I can relate, sadly. OP, I envy you. You and your children are very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also have a very similar background and circumstances. If anything, I think non-profits are lucky to have highly educated, high-achieving employees who can help them do good because their work is so necessary. Try to shift your focus away from your pay and to the fact that you are fortunate to have coworkers you enjoy and a mission that you believe in.

Also, research supports the fact that the happiest and most fulfilled people are those with strong relationships with others. Use your free time to nurture your friendships and build new ones. Far better than spending time pushing papers on your desk!

Finally, if you really want to pursue your career, volunteer in an area relevant to your career interests and when your kids are older, pour your energy into your career. Seek out older women as mentors and hear their stories. I'm sure you'll be inspired. My friend's mom took time off to raise her 3 kids and once they were grown reinvented herself as a businesswoman in her 40s and worked her way back up again. She is a happy working woman in her early 60s.

Good luck and blessings to you!

+1
This is what my own mom did. Great advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a real job and stop feeling bad about yourself.
What are you going to do when your husband dumps you?

What a bitch!

[Anonymous]

OP, that's about what my husband made when he retired from law enforcement last August. He was a Domestic Violence Officer, so he had one of the most dangerous jobs in LE. On his 50th birthday, he said No More, and that was it. I'm thankful he's out, and I don't care how much he makes as long as I have him.