I'm 40 and I make $20 per hour

[Anonymous]

Research scientists with PhDs and decades of experience work long hours and make less than 6 figures annually. Yet they are the ones developing new cancer treatments and dping research on Alzheimer's and diabetes, etc.

The people who count most (nurses, teachers and researchers) are among the least well paid for their expertise. Too bad we're not prioritizing what's most important.

[Anonymous]

You obviously were able to marry your intellectual equal because of your education. The education and brains that you and your husband have have in turn led to a good high paying career for at least one of you. This has enabled you to have the option to work or not work. Your kids are lucky to live in an affluent household with a super educated SAHM. It is a win for your family and ultimately you. I think that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You obviously were able to marry your intellectual equal because of your education. The education and brains that you and your husband have have in turn led to a good high paying career for at least one of you. This has enabled you to have the option to work or not work. Your kids are lucky to live in an affluent household with a super educated SAHM. It is a win for your family and ultimately you. I think that matters.

I agree -- as long as OP feels fulfilled. I think that if she continues to feel unsatisfied personally it will affect her marriage and possibly her relationship with her kids.

[Anonymous]

The more meaningful question would be why you couldn't develop your career before you had kids. You had many years to establish yourself in the field - what happened that it wasn't accomplished? If you were an established professional by the time you had kids, you could have had a flexible and much better paying job in your field of expertise.

[Anonymous]

I get it. It is hard to women, and maybe men too, to find the right balance. A couple of things to think about:

Focus on the fact that you are bringing a smart-person’s focus and assistance to a cause/issue that you think is important. An alternative life for you might be that you had an “important career” it might be so fulfilling or rewarding or meaningful.

Does your husband feel like he is sacrificing his time with family for work or to afford your life? If so, maybe you both need a change and get somewhere closer to balance for all of you. By that I mean that I think it can be hard on fathers to feel like they have all the financial pressure, just the same as it is hard on mothers to feel like they don’t have good choices (I mostly mean to have flexibility and time with kids)

What about volunteering more at your kids school, or volunteering for other worthy causes? I think you are focusing on the money but it sounds like you might not need it. Find the balance by focusing on the good you can do, not how much it pays (easier said than done, for sure).

If being with your kids is important to you, own it. I quit a job that was making me miserable, in part because I felt like I didn’t have time for my kids. I felt like a complete failure. But I am realizing that it is better for them to now have me frustrated and yelling all the time, we enjoy more time together, and I feel like I am doing what I/we feel is important. I don’t want other people (nanny, at pair, etc) taking my kid everywhere and doing the things I think are very parent-like. Some of my working friends are appalled, i think some are envious.

Do you have female friends in big jobs? Observe their lives and, If possible, talk with them about it. But, see above, it may be a difficult conversation.

It also sounds like you’re going through something like a mid life “crisis” or maybe dealing with mild depression. Maybe finding a good therapist to talk through your concerns and get some perspective might help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I barely graduated from high school after two summers of summer school, failed out of one college and then took five years to get a two-year degree. I definitely don't think I peaked in high school or college.

Why don't you just be a hot partner's wife? I work at a law firm and was just talking with a partner - his wife tends their garden and manages their other properties, but doesn't have a formal job.

That is a formal job! As is parenting. Please, ladies, remember that! Just no monetary remuneration for it, that's all. I agree with PP (22:54) on this point: "I feel like I've swallowed the current cultural-think that our careers define our value in life. I just feel it everywhere." It is a challenge, but one that I've taken on as a single working parent nearing her 40th birthday, to reject that very idea: My career does not define my value in life. Sure, my peers from college and high school are in senior management, executive roles, and doing well financially speaking. And at one point in my life, I had those ambitions, being an Overachiever myself. But then I had my DD, and lived overseas for a while, have been humbled and made aware of the harsh realities of our society -- all because of a shift in socio-economic class. To reduce the value of my life to the career I have, the wealth I acquire, and the power I can wield over others would be depressing, and a recipe for disaster in the long run for me as parent, and for my DD.

OP, use this opportunity to do something you've always wanted to do or try but never had the courage or confidence to do. Take some risks, stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone, and most of all, surround yourself with women (people) who will love you, see you, hear you, support you, and push you, and guide you along the way! I have been fortunate to find a positive, inspiring parenting and professional support groups & spaces in the last 2 years , which has been immensely helpful for me. Not sure where I would be without them.

Lastly, be kind and compassionate with yourself. Being a SAH parent and being an awakened, present parent is the most important jobs we have. Say that, know that, believe that, live that! Our children need to know that, but it can only happen if we, ourselves, believe and live that truth!

It may be a job, but it is certainly not a formal one.

It is literally the opposite of a formal job. That isn't, of course, to say that the non-working spouse of a law firm partner doesn't provide value to the family or the world.

OP: You're having an existential crisis. If you don't need the money, then it's a fantastic existential crisis to have because the stakes are incredibly low. All you have to do is figure out what you want and then go try to do it, and if it doesn't work you will still have a house and food to eat!

What do you like? What do you feel is important? Is there a particular way you enjoy spending your time, or that you think you could enjoy doing with your time?

If I were in the position of not having to work, I would spend a lot more time volunteering at animal shelters. That is incredible valuable work that people who are busy 9-5 (or 9-9) often don't have time to do. You can literally make the difference between life or death for a shelter pet, by spending time with them, by helping them get socialized, by getting them some exercise, by sharing them on social media and trying to find them a home.

[Anonymous]

To OP,
You are a smart and brave woman. You made difficult choices and sacrificed your career for the good of your family.
You should no longer measure your success by your career achievements but rather by the success of your family.
Is your family succeeding, are your kids happy? That is what you are working for. Is your husband supportive?
Those are the choices you made and you need to own them with confidence and make it works.

It is a choice I made but would never ever make again.
I am a doctor and my husband was a management consultant at big3 consulting firm.
We were both very ambitious and overachievers. When our second child was born, I made the decision to quit my job and stay at
home to take care of the children. At the time, had made it to junior partner at the firm and was travelling a lot. I had been practicing
for 5 years. We had a third child. I told myself at the time that putting my career behind was worth it because we were building our family.
While this arrangement was ideal for raising our children, it didn't necessarily make a difference in our marriage relationship. Like many couples, we still had
the common issues in our marriage which ended in a divorce. I felt like the biggest loser. I was depressed and it took me a long time to recover. I felt betrayed,
I felt like I had sacrificed a promising career as a doctor for nothing. After so many years as SAHM and out of the field, it was difficult for me to find a job.
Luckily for me, with a friend and former schoolmate we started our own medical practice.

I hope your marriage is strong as rock. But in any case, don't be naive. Have a plan B and make sure you can always rebound at any time if you are on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be glad that you are a hands on mom and that you're putting your family first. You're 40 and you need to stop caring about what people think. It sounds like you're happy with your job. You do realize that if you took a more demanding, higher paying job, that you wouldn't be able to be there for your kids, since your husband works so much, right? So be happy with your choices.

Not OP, but I needed to hear this. It *is* a choice for me.
I know that it is not a choice for others. And, more importantly, I also know that even when it is a choice, others may choose differently from me because they value their careers/self more than their role as mother/caregiver, and that is fine too.

I think I'm struggling with the idea that we, as a society, used to feel that SAHM was the job of most prestige. Women who became mothers only worked when they "had to"...and then slowly that shifted to become the empowered thing to have choices. And now the pendulum has swung completely to the opposite side where there is now disdain for SAHM, and those moms feel that pretty heavily.

The problem lies in women feeling the need to staunchly defend their choices by putting down the other choice as inferior or unimportant work, rather than celebrating that we now have options and none of those options is a WASTE. It's just a different choice!

[Anonymous]

$20 an hour is $40k a year. You guys are acting like that’s poverty wages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$20 an hour is $40k a year. You guys are acting like that’s poverty wages

It is in this area. Please don't minimize this. I'm a single mother and this is how much I make with child support.

[Anonymous]

Stop being so entitled. Just because you did well in high school and went to a good college doesn't mean you deserve a high paying job. If you want a higher paying job, go after one. You can either keep earning $20 an hour (nothing wrong with that) or you can go get a higher earning job. If you have common sense, you can figure out what you want to make, which jobs pay that much, what you need to do to get there and go after it. Do you need to go back to school? Do you need to network more? Figure it out and do it and stop whining like a baby.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to figure out what you want and what is more important to you. If you decide to go full time to feel better about your career and pay be careful what you wish for. I have a full time job I've been doing for almost 20 years that I am about to leave because I just cannot take the stress of the job anymore, I think it is interfering with my happiness and I barely have any quality down time with my 3 kids. Now that we don't need my salary I am feeling like I'm missing out on too much while my kids are still little. I want to experience more life with them!! On paper my job seems fantastic but in reality I'm getting to the point it's more important for me to be with my family. Hopefully I won't regret the decision! However i feel fortunate it is my decision to make. Ten years ago I was the breadwinner in the family. OP try to feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Get a real job and stop feeling bad about yourself.
What are you going to do when your husband dumps you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I barely graduated from high school after two summers of summer school, failed out of one college and then took five years to get a two-year degree. I definitely don't think I peaked in high school or college.

Why don't you just be a hot partner's wife? I work at a law firm and was just talking with a partner - his wife tends their garden and manages their other properties, but doesn't have a formal job.

That is a formal job! As is parenting. Please, ladies, remember that! Just no monetary remuneration for it, that's all. I agree with PP (22:54) on this point: "I feel like I've swallowed the current cultural-think that our careers define our value in life. I just feel it everywhere." It is a challenge, but one that I've taken on as a single working parent nearing her 40th birthday, to reject that very idea: My career does not define my value in life. Sure, my peers from college and high school are in senior management, executive roles, and doing well financially speaking. And at one point in my life, I had those ambitions, being an Overachiever myself. But then I had my DD, and lived overseas for a while, have been humbled and made aware of the harsh realities of our society -- all because of a shift in socio-economic class. To reduce the value of my life to the career I have, the wealth I acquire, and the power I can wield over others would be depressing, and a recipe for disaster in the long run for me as parent, and for my DD.

OP, use this opportunity to do something you've always wanted to do or try but never had the courage or confidence to do. Take some risks, stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone, and most of all, surround yourself with women (people) who will love you, see you, hear you, support you, and push you, and guide you along the way! I have been fortunate to find a positive, inspiring parenting and professional support groups & spaces in the last 2 years , which has been immensely helpful for me. Not sure where I would be without them.

Lastly, be kind and compassionate with yourself. Being a SAH parent and being an awakened, present parent is the most important jobs we have. Say that, know that, believe that, live that! Our children need to know that, but it can only happen if we, ourselves, believe and live that truth!

It may be a job, but it is certainly not a formal one.

I disagree: Property Management is a formal job (lots of opportunities in DC on linkedin). Depending on the number of properties, it can be very time consuming.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am 40 and make more than three times as much as you. However, I just finished crying hysterically because I am so tired from my full time plus job on top of dragging the kids to activities, helping them with homework, etc. And I have a helpful spouse, he just has a full time plus job too. I haven't gone to the gym in a month and a half, and I know I am developing a cavity but can't manage to schedule a dentist appointment that works with my work schedule and the kids' schedule. Nobody has everything, it sounds like you are doing just fine.