I'm 40 and I make $20 per hour

[Anonymous]

OP here. My husband works about 70 hour weeks, travels, and works about 2 weekends per month. We have no local family and we've never had any kind of childcare help. So all the childcare is on me.

I took this job (20 hours per week) once the kids were in preschool so I could get some intellectual stimulation, do something meaningful to me (I work for a non-profit doing work that is meaningful), and have a flexible job so I can be the one to take off for sick days, snow days, etc. because my husband would never take time off work last minute for sick days/snow days. I love my organization, my co-workers, and the nature of the work. Unfortunately though that means the job is super low paying and low prestige. The job works for our family but it makes me feel bad about myself because I earn so little.

I just feel very lost, like how did an Ivy League college grad/super smart woman end up making $20 per hour? I have avoided all my high school and college reunions because I feel like such a big loser. I don't want anyone at the reunions to think, "What happened to her?" They're all Doctors and lawyers and have full-time nannies/au pairs and have been able to make it work with a "big" career and a family. I didn't want to go the nanny/au pair route and with no family help, a $20 job was all I could come up with.

[Anonymous]

Own your choices, OP. You are a logical woman, with free will. To hell with the expectations of others. You are allowed to want what you want and go out and get it.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to throw sand in the cake batter and say that I don't think parenting is the most important job in the world. Neither does OP. That is what leads to the sense of a lack of fulfillment. Some years ago Caitlin Flanagan wrote an excellent piece about it in The Atlantic. As the mother of 3 daughters I actually find the "parenting is all" idea dangerous. We are telling girls and women to always choose someone else first. This world loses so much because women devote it to their children instead of society at large.

[Anonymous]

What is important to you OP? Fulfillment in your profession or higher pay? Once you figure that out, then take it from there. What you find most fulfilling might offer less pay... $20 is well above the "living wage" that a lot of people hope for. There are plenty of nonprofits doing good work that could never afford to pay you that much.

It also sounds like you could use some creativity. Branch out of your typical life and meet people who you admire and ask them how they got where they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband works about 70 hour weeks, travels, and works about 2 weekends per month. We have no local family and we've never had any kind of childcare help. So all the childcare is on me.

I took this job (20 hours per week) once the kids were in preschool so I could get some intellectual stimulation, do something meaningful to me (I work for a non-profit doing work that is meaningful), and have a flexible job so I can be the one to take off for sick days, snow days, etc. because my husband would never take time off work last minute for sick days/snow days. I love my organization, my co-workers, and the nature of the work. Unfortunately though that means the job is super low paying and low prestige. The job works for our family but it makes me feel bad about myself because I earn so little.

I just feel very lost, like how did an Ivy League college grad/super smart woman end up making $20 per hour? I have avoided all my high school and college reunions because I feel like such a big loser. I don't want anyone at the reunions to think, "What happened to her?" They're all Doctors and lawyers and have full-time nannies/au pairs and have been able to make it work with a "big" career and a family. I didn't want to go the nanny/au pair route and with no family help, a $20 job was all I could come up with.

I don’t think the problem is your job. I think the problem is that you are a snob and that you only think high paying jobs or doctors and lawyers are worthwhile careers.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few years ago I turned down the job title I'd been working toward for years because it would have required a move splitting up our young family for what looked like a couple of years. I couldn't handle that so I said no. The opportunity has not come around again and my career has gone in a different direction - moving forward such that that door is now closed to me. It makes me sad sometimes.

The thing I tell myself that makes me feel better is that we can't know thr future consequences of all our decisions because so much is based on luck and timing - what we do know is what our values are. And the values we make decisions on are the ones that make us who we are. These career compromises are the external signs of the internal decisions we've made about who we want to be. I can live with being a person with the run of the mill job who cares about keeping her family together most. I hope you can value being a person for whom money is not the most important thing in the world.

[Anonymous]

The problem is the aggregate result of women with children all coming to this conclusion. I made the same decision years ago, imagining it was a personal choice. But it was deeply influenced, framed even, by social expectations of me as a woman, more particularly the kind of mother and wife I'd be.

[Anonymous]

OP you have to separate the personal from the political or the larger picture from your individual picture.

For centuries women were held back by the notion that being a mom was "the most important job in the world!" and that they needed to define themselves through their looks, ability to land a man, fertility, etc. Now we've evolved and that's a GOOD thing. Girls and women should be educated and train for a career. They should have options and choices. The world does not not turn them away from colleges and grad programs and career paths because they will likely "quit when they start having babies anyway."

That said, you didn't do that. You've accomplished a lot! You have a solid education and some career experience. Your INDIVIDUAL circumstances have it so you don't have to work. But if something happened and you had to, you could support your children. You have options. Unlike many women from decades ago who had no options if their husband died or left them, you have options (not saying you can go out and earn a high paying job off the bat but you have a foundation if you needed to increase earning power in the future).

If you want to develop a more meaningful career, you can. It takes time and patience. But you have credentials and at least some sort of network through school, community, etc. Just make sure you are in for the right reasons - not just to check a box or have a title.

[Anonymous]

You can't have it both ways. Be lucky you have a choice.

[Anonymous]

Be glad that you are a hands on mom and that you're putting your family first. You're 40 and you need to stop caring about what people think. It sounds like you're happy with your job. You do realize that if you took a more demanding, higher paying job, that you wouldn't be able to be there for your kids, since your husband works so much, right? So be happy with your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP, I feel exactly like you minus the kids. Glad to know I’m not alone.

NP, but you're missing the point. The fact that she has kids is the whole crux of the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't have it both ways. Be lucky you have a choice.

This. I was you 4 years ago. I was depressed because I sacrificed a big job to spend time with my kids. So I leaned in, got a big job, worked hard, got promoted and now have a career I am proud of. The trade off has been that a nanny now picks my kids up from school and stays with them until 7ish every night. I feel guilty about that, but my self-esteem has definitely improved and I know feel like I can do anything. My kids are very proud of me and I feel like I'm setting a good example for them. But you can't have it both ways- professional success requires sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Think of things this way: the education path you took helped you find a higher caliber partner than if you’d gotten a GED and spent your 20/ on a stripper pole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you have to separate the personal from the political or the larger picture from your individual picture.

For centuries women were held back by the notion that being a mom was "the most important job in the world!" and that they needed to define themselves through their looks, ability to land a man, fertility, etc. Now we've evolved and that's a GOOD thing. Girls and women should be educated and train for a career. They should have options and choices. The world does not not turn them away from colleges and grad programs and career paths because they will likely "quit when they start having babies anyway."

That said, you didn't do that. You've accomplished a lot! You have a solid education and some career experience. Your INDIVIDUAL circumstances have it so you don't have to work. But if something happened and you had to, you could support your children. You have options. Unlike many women from decades ago who had no options if their husband died or left them, you have options (not saying you can go out and earn a high paying job off the bat but you have a foundation if you needed to increase earning power in the future).

If you want to develop a more meaningful career, you can. It takes time and patience. But you have credentials and at least some sort of network through school, community, etc. Just make sure you are in for the right reasons - not just to check a box or have a title.

NP here. This is great advice -- thanks!

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate some of these comments because they left me an older person feeling extra special. I also makes $20.00 an hour, and I am so happy in my skin, life but most of all I love my job and wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. However, this job is coming to an end next month. And since I was told of the end date I have gone on endless interviews but no one would hire me. Some feels $20.00 an hour is too much to pay for my experiences. Or because it's my age, maybe they feel that I don't have the energy to do the job. I really don't know why I am not getting hired for the job which I am capable of doing wonderfully. And like the last person's comment as long as you love what you are doing where you went to school or what degrees you have doesn't matter.

I know a lady who has a very high paying job, she made more money than her husband at that time, he is also highly educated as she is. She was very unhappy going to work doing the same thing everyday, and not liking her boss.

Once I asked her why wouldn't she change her job if she was so unhappy. She told me that this is all she knew how to do and that she didn't know where to go from there.

Sometime you have to stop looking at where you went to school/college or what degrees you may have and go for what make you happy. That is all that matters when the day is done....... your happiness.