DH changed his email password

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course we could have secret emails. It isn't like DH goes into my email on a regular basis (I don't think), I don't think he's ever gone into an account of mine without asking. But he could if he wanted to. And it works for us. Maybe not for you. But the fact that the OP's husband has suddenly decided he doesn't want to share -- that's the red flag. The about-face.

It's only a red flag if you're crazy and controlling.

[Anonymous]

You are ridiculous. The name put on a legal thing is not the same as an email associated with the account or registration. He can put his name on whatever he needs to, but use your email. I still am convinced that you just want to control him. It’s not about ADHD. It’s about your control. He took some of that away from you and you lost your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You should not be using his email, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

I am sorry things are so difficult between you and DH but am happy you are in counseling. I hope you both can remember what brought you together in the first place and make changes to your current way of relating and go forward. As for the email, it does sound like a red flag to me since he normally has little interest in email, but this is something you need to talk out face to face. It doesn’t have to be in an accusing way, just ask the question. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

The thing that brought us to marriage counseling in the first place was that I didn't want to be doing this anymore: doing EVERYTHING, even the things that required his email. I didn't realize, initially, that he had ADHD, and I was upset that HE WANTED ME to be signing into his email to be doing all these things.

So, the PPs who think I am trying to control him somehow, are just totally missing the point. I'm desperate for DH to take some "control" back from me, for DH to be more independent, but he's doing it in all the wrong ways. And I'm not about to let my kids not be enrolled in their school next year because he will never even notice the email that says he has to sign the contract. Whether or not we could have or should have somehow set it up to go to a separate email address (although, I'm not quite sure he's ready or wanting to accept that he literally can't have his parent email address at his kids school be his personal email address, because he certainly wants to think of himself as more involved than that), we haven't done that yet - because up until at most a year ago, HE was thrilled to have me do everything for him and sign into his email, and *I* was the one who wished he did more things for himself.

But the way to affect change in our relationship was not to change his password without telling me, making it impossible for me to my job, AND not take the initiative to check his email and start doing these tasks himself, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The idea that I'm spying on him via his email, or trying to violate his privacy by going into his email, is absolutely absurd, and I appreciate that those who understand what I'm dealing with both in terms of ADHD and the fact that not EVERY item of family business can be put into my name (much as we have tried) recognize this.

As a general rule I do not read his personal email, just like I do not go through his texts or his phone calls, though obviously I can see that he received something from xyz when I'm in his gmail. But honestly, he DOES NOT DO personal email. He literally received an email from a friend saying a mutual friend of theirs was dying (this info was visible in the inbox), and he did not open it, and did not reply to it, for over 8 months. Prior to this past year, I would occasionally say something like, "I noticed you had an email from so and so that looked important, you might want to check on that..." and he was nothing but exceedingly grateful. I stopped doing that at some point this past year (for the very few emails I might have) in order to show MORE respect for his privacy.

He did not know he had ADHD until very recently. Before the diagnosis, I thought he might just have shitty priorities. I have now read things like The ADHD Effect on Marriage and I feel like this stuff is quite common. But, he has not even started medication yet (it's been prescribed, but he is scared to try it), and he has not done any coaching or read a single book or anything on how to deal with his ADHD. So, nothing has changed, except that now I understand why he does what he does. Our marriage counselor doesn't seem to take the ADHD piece of it seriously.

I told him that his having a private gmail password was a reasonable boundary to have but we would have to discuss our division of labor if I didn't have access to certain things in his account; ie, he would have to electronically sign his own half of the school contract by the deadline. He immediately gave me the new password.

I posted at length about my ADHD husband and our struggles, and just wanted to highlight the sentence above: I had the exact same experience! Our therapist completely ignored the ADHD, and that was one reason we stopped going. I supposed it's lack of training, that they don't know how ADHD impacts behavior and living with someone else?
If you are still interested in therapy, I would suggest asking the psychiatrist who prescribed the meds to recommend someone with particular knowledge in ADHD.

Thanks. His psychiatrist said the people he typically recommends have full schedules, so we were kind of left on our own. I actually looked for additional recommendations here and on some other networks, and they all said they had no space available.

Can you link to the threads where you talked about your husband? I've tried searching for stuff but I'd appreciate some direction. I wish there were a support group or something for spouses of people with untreated ADHD. I also know my DH could use more support for his ADHD, and there's stuff out there, it's just impossible to get him to seek it out.

[Anonymous]

Don't push the guy to take meds for ADD if he doesn't want to. There is no cure. The meds work for exactly one day. Then you take them again the next day and the next with no end game. You can live with ADD or you can be an amphetamine addict along with the loss of appetite, raised blood pressure and the other fun symptoms including the withdrawal symptoms when you decide to quit . It's a tough choice to make.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap, OP. Log into all the accounts online of stuff you care about and need to make sure doesn’t mess up your credit and change it over to your email. This is fiscally responsible. The rest is an issue for your counselor.

You want him to do things he doesn’t do. You married a man child, and this must have been known to you. You can’t change him and magically have him turn into this other person.

[Anonymous]

My husband takes care of nothing household related either, but there's no reason for me to go into his email. Anything that used to go to him I've switched so that it now goes to my email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be happy if my spouse signed into my email on a regular basis. That seems like a major overstep to me.

This. Just get a divorce. You obviously don't trust him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't push the guy to take meds for ADD if he doesn't want to. There is no cure. The meds work for exactly one day. Then you take them again the next day and the next with no end game. You can live with ADD or you can be an amphetamine addict along with the loss of appetite, raised blood pressure and the other fun symptoms including the withdrawal symptoms when you decide to quit . It's a tough choice to make.

Funny, this isn't my DH's experience at all. He was diagnosed with ADHD after our oldest was - 10 years ago. When DH talks about medication, he speaks rapturously. His only struggle are the regrets he has about not knowing about his ADHD earlier and being treated for it. He is convinced he wouldn't suffer from depression had his ADHD ben treated and that he wouldn't have wasted so many years 'in the fog'.

He also isn't addicted to the medication. In fact, research indicates people who treat their ADHD with medication are less likely to self-medicate with other substances and have better life outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband takes care of nothing household related either, but there's no reason for me to go into his email. Anything that used to go to him I've switched so that it now goes to my email.

Wow! You sound controlling. YOU switched everything to go to you?! Your husband has no agency in this? No voice?

[Anonymous]

Having access to your spouse's email account is so stupid. Everyone is entitled to privacy, if you don't give it to them they will take it. Sure, he'll give you the password for an email account, but you can be sure he will have others. You either trust someone or you don't and trust is only real when privacy exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having access to your spouse's email account is so stupid. Everyone is entitled to privacy, if you don't give it to them they will take it. Sure, he'll give you the password for an email account, but you can be sure he will have others. You either trust someone or you don't and trust is only real when privacy exists.

Trust is real when my DH has my accounts and passwords but still doesn't go in without permission. It goes both ways. I trust him enough to give him the passwords (so if something happens, he can get into my email/accounts) and he trusts me enough to never go in without asking me first. I trust that he is respecting my privacy, and he trusts me enough to give me my privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't push the guy to take meds for ADD if he doesn't want to. There is no cure. The meds work for exactly one day. Then you take them again the next day and the next with no end game. You can live with ADD or you can be an amphetamine addict along with the loss of appetite, raised blood pressure and the other fun symptoms including the withdrawal symptoms when you decide to quit . It's a tough choice to make.

Funny, this isn't my DH's experience at all. He was diagnosed with ADHD after our oldest was - 10 years ago. When DH talks about medication, he speaks rapturously. His only struggle are the regrets he has about not knowing about his ADHD earlier and being treated for it. He is convinced he wouldn't suffer from depression had his ADHD ben treated and that he wouldn't have wasted so many years 'in the fog'.

He also isn't addicted to the medication. In fact, research indicates people who treat their ADHD with medication are less likely to self-medicate with other substances and have better life outcomes.

+1
This is my experience as well. Medication has been a godsend for me. Didn't realize how much I was needlessly struggling before. Unlike OP's husband I didn't abdicate all of my adulting responsibilities, but was barely staying afloat trying to handle it all. Refusing to manage their ADD is not an acceptable position for a person with a spouse and family to take.