DH changed his email password

[Anonymous]

DH and I are in marital counseling. Things are not good.

He's had the same email password for years, and he knows I sign into his email regularly so that I can take care of things for the home. I pay all the bills, for example, manage everything for the kids, etc. He does none of this. NONE. I could not emphasize this enough.

Today I tried to sign into his email because he needed to electronically sign the re-enrollment contract for our daughter's school, and I didn't have his username for his account (there's an account for each parent, both parents have to sign), so I had it sent to his email (I did have the password, because I was the one who set up the account; I just somehow lost the username).

Anyway, gmail said he changed the password 2 weeks ago, when we had a big fight and he went to spend the night at a friend's house.

Is this a totally reasonable thing for him to do? Or is it a little suspicious, in the context of our relationship?

I feel like telling him, it's fine if you don't want me to go in your email, but you could have just TOLD ME not to go in your email. And frankly then you could start doing all these little tasks (bill paying, keeping tabs on important stuff that comes in about the kids, etc) yourself, which honestly, I would be thrilled about.

To be clear, he signs into my email, too, and I know that he has signed into my email in the last 2 weeks - he needed to look something up and he mentioned he signed into my email to find it.

[Anonymous]

I would not be happy if my spouse signed into my email on a regular basis. That seems like a major overstep to me.

[Anonymous]

It's a little suspicious but I don't get why you need to sign into each other's email at all. Why don't you just forward things to each other if they need to be addressed?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, neither keeping same mail password for years nor signing into the other's email are good practices. Share usernames and passwords to shared online services and accounts via something like LastPass.

Agree with OP that a communication issue is at play. Talking to each other rather than snooping around in what should be personal spaces would be a big improvement.

[Anonymous]

I'd assume he has started talking to an attorney and had to put his email on his client record.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

It may not matter at all, but DH has ADHD and literally can't deal with his email. He just can't. I'm his crutch. When I stopped checking on his email for like three months when we had a baby, we suddenly had several unpaid bills and our car registration lapsed (despite emails from the DMV) and it was a nightmare.

He basically gets no personal email on it, because he's stopped replying to personal emails (I don't do that for him) so everyone who knows him well knows to call or text. It's just bills, stuff for the kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

To all the people who are spouting about how she shouldn't have been signing into his email account: not the question. She's been taking care of ALL the household crap and it makes sense that she would have needed to go on there semi-regularly, if that's how the bills / accounts were set up - presumably he himself gave her the password at one time and knew she went on there. They had access to each other's accounts and knew each other went on there.

OP I agree this is a red flag, sorry. What did he say when you asked him about it / did he give you the new one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It may not matter at all, but DH has ADHD and literally can't deal with his email. He just can't. I'm his crutch. When I stopped checking on his email for like three months when we had a baby, we suddenly had several unpaid bills and our car registration lapsed (despite emails from the DMV) and it was a nightmare.

He basically gets no personal email on it, because he's stopped replying to personal emails (I don't do that for him) so everyone who knows him well knows to call or text. It's just bills, stuff for the kids, etc.

That matters a lot. I'm not a fan of spouses reading each other's emails because I think everyone is entitled to privacy, but you seem to have a weird situation on your hands.

Instead of asking random people on the internet what they think, why don't you just ask your husband why he changed it? I don't understand why people like to get in a huff about things rather than just have a conversation with the one person who is actually relevant to the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all the people who are spouting about how she shouldn't have been signing into his email account: not the question. She's been taking care of ALL the household crap and it makes sense that she would have needed to go on there semi-regularly, if that's how the bills / accounts were set up - presumably he himself gave her the password at one time and knew she went on there. They had access to each other's accounts and knew each other went on there.

OP I agree this is a red flag, sorry. What did he say when you asked him about it / did he give you the new one?

Agree with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It may not matter at all, but DH has ADHD and literally can't deal with his email. He just can't. I'm his crutch. When I stopped checking on his email for like three months when we had a baby, we suddenly had several unpaid bills and our car registration lapsed (despite emails from the DMV) and it was a nightmare.

He basically gets no personal email on it, because he's stopped replying to personal emails (I don't do that for him) so everyone who knows him well knows to call or text. It's just bills, stuff for the kids, etc.

We set up a joint email account so things like bills, registration, etc. all go to the joint account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all the people who are spouting about how she shouldn't have been signing into his email account: not the question. She's been taking care of ALL the household crap and it makes sense that she would have needed to go on there semi-regularly, if that's how the bills / accounts were set up - presumably he himself gave her the password at one time and knew she went on there. They had access to each other's accounts and knew each other went on there.

OP I agree this is a red flag, sorry. What did he say when you asked him about it / did he give you the new one?

This literally just happened, I haven't asked him about it yet. Or, I did, via email. Because I need to submit the re-enrollment form for our kid. He's traveling for work. I'm sure the last thing he realized was that I would have to harass him on January 31st while he's on a work trip because he changed his password. But obviously that's what's going to happen now.

Then I just went on to try to change MY password and I realized Google tells me who signed into my Gmail and where, and it says someone signed into my Gmail from a Windows account (I use a Mac) in the city where he's traveled to, this morning. So what is he doing in my gmail this morning??

I'm not doing anything interesting, by the way. My gmail is boring. What the F? Why would he sign into my gmail on his work trip?

[Anonymous]

Isn't this something you should mention to your therapist? Besides your marriage sounding very dysfunctional and weird, you really should have signed over your household things to your own email address if you take care of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It may not matter at all, but DH has ADHD and literally can't deal with his email. He just can't. I'm his crutch. When I stopped checking on his email for like three months when we had a baby, we suddenly had several unpaid bills and our car registration lapsed (despite emails from the DMV) and it was a nightmare.

He basically gets no personal email on it, because he's stopped replying to personal emails (I don't do that for him) so everyone who knows him well knows to call or text. It's just bills, stuff for the kids, etc.

That matters a lot. I'm not a fan of spouses reading each other's emails because I think everyone is entitled to privacy, but you seem to have a weird situation on your hands.

Instead of asking random people on the internet what they think, why don't you just ask your husband why he changed it? I don't understand why people like to get in a huff about things rather than just have a conversation with the one person who is actually relevant to the situation.

+100 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Well if he can't "do email" he should be writing down your email for every single thing that is child, family or bill related. Why is he even giving out his email?!

I don't like the signing into each other's accounts. I want my own private account. It's not because I'm cheating, but it's my own private email and I think I'm entitled to that.

So find a work around that does not involve signing into his email. My advice would be to have a family email that he uses for EVERYTHING that you both have regular access to. And then you each have private accounts too.

[Anonymous]

You should not be using his email, OP.

You can take care of all the household and child-related things using YOUR email. Pay for things out of the JOINT account. Sign for things yourself.

And yes, I have changed my password in times of conflict - my husband wouldn't stop using MY Amazon account to buy stupid stuff we didn't need. He could have got his own Amazon account for that. So now he can't use it because I changed my password.