DH changed his email password

[Anonymous]

You need to ask him why, OP, before freaking out. I can imagine, for instance, that a therapist might say to him "You should have your own account and so should your wife to create healthy boundaries" or some such, not knowing the reasoning behind why you have the system you do.

Ask him. Then decide how you need to react.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't listen to the people who say privacy at all costs. Logging into your spouse's email -- with permission that has spanned years!! -- to do chores is perfectly fine (says the one DCUMer with a healthy marriage). (hahaha just kidding).

My DH has my passwords and email etc. He may not remember them, but if he needs something I will just tell him to go look in my email. Which he does. And it is OK.

The fact that it WAS ok, and now is NOT ok that you do this, and that your marriage is a little rocky, and that he slept over at somebody else's house (a buddy, or a fuc& buddy?) is a red flag to me.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned he has ADHD and is absent-minded. Perhaps he forgot his password to his Gmail account and had to reset it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned he has ADHD and is absent-minded. Perhaps he forgot his password to his Gmail account and had to reset it?

That was my thought too. You said this happened when he was at his friend's house. Maybe he tried to log on on his friend's computer, couldn't remember the password, and reset it. I've certainly had to do that with a couple things before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You should not be using his email, OP.

You can take care of all the household and child-related things using YOUR email. Pay for things out of the JOINT account. Sign for things yourself.

And yes, I have changed my password in times of conflict - my husband wouldn't stop using MY Amazon account to buy stupid stuff we didn't need. He could have got his own Amazon account for that. So now he can't use it because I changed my password.

I'm the PP above, and just read your update on ADHD. My husband has ADHD, and far worse than bills have been left forgotten: he let our health insurance lapse, for example (two out of the four of us are on daily meds).

This is why I do nearly everything, and this is also why using my email is much better than using his.

[Anonymous]

I created a separate account my wife and I share for all family related items. It's great. From bills to items associated with our kid..it all goes into one shared email account.

[Anonymous]

Uh-oh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You should not be using his email, OP.

You can take care of all the household and child-related things using YOUR email. Pay for things out of the JOINT account. Sign for things yourself.

And yes, I have changed my password in times of conflict - my husband wouldn't stop using MY Amazon account to buy stupid stuff we didn't need. He could have got his own Amazon account for that. So now he can't use it because I changed my password.

I'm the PP above, and just read your update on ADHD. My husband has ADHD, and far worse than bills have been left forgotten: he let our health insurance lapse, for example (two out of the four of us are on daily meds).

This is why I do nearly everything, and this is also why using my email is much better than using his.

Yeah, I've tried to put as much in my email as possible over the years. Some things, though, require his email; like the school whose contract requires both parents electronically sign from their own accounts.

We've only recently realized, after years of difficulty, that DH has ADHD. And reading the suggestion that maybe he just forgot his password at his friend's house, I think that's possible; or, also, that it was an impulsive decision when he was angry, and that there was ZERO thought behind it. And then he forgot about it.

I'm really new to the whole ADHD thing. Is this just the way it is with ADHD??? Am I destined to do all these things myself forever??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't listen to the people who say privacy at all costs. Logging into your spouse's email -- with permission that has spanned years!! -- to do chores is perfectly fine

My DH has my passwords and email etc. He may not remember them, but if he needs something I will just tell him to go look in my email. Which he does. And it is OK.

The fact that it WAS ok, and now is NOT ok that you do this, and that your marriage is a little rocky, and that he slept over at somebody else's house (a buddy, or a fuc& buddy?) is a red flag to me.

AGREE WITH ALL...In our marriage, we do everything jointly, we both have access to all accounts/cars/everything.What email would I get that I need "privacy" for? And vice versa? OP: Sorry, but I am afraid of the red flag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You should not be using his email, OP.

You can take care of all the household and child-related things using YOUR email. Pay for things out of the JOINT account. Sign for things yourself.

And yes, I have changed my password in times of conflict - my husband wouldn't stop using MY Amazon account to buy stupid stuff we didn't need. He could have got his own Amazon account for that. So now he can't use it because I changed my password.

I'm the PP above, and just read your update on ADHD. My husband has ADHD, and far worse than bills have been left forgotten: he let our health insurance lapse, for example (two out of the four of us are on daily meds).

This is why I do nearly everything, and this is also why using my email is much better than using his.

Yeah, I've tried to put as much in my email as possible over the years. Some things, though, require his email; like the school whose contract requires both parents electronically sign from their own accounts.

We've only recently realized, after years of difficulty, that DH has ADHD. And reading the suggestion that maybe he just forgot his password at his friend's house, I think that's possible; or, also, that it was an impulsive decision when he was angry, and that there was ZERO thought behind it. And then he forgot about it.

I'm really new to the whole ADHD thing. Is this just the way it is with ADHD??? Am I destined to do all these things myself forever??

Only if your husband doesn't want to take his responsibilities, OP...
And by that I mean taking the correct dosage of meds and being willing to change his habits, such as checking email and to-do list or calendar several times a day.

My husband, after years of nagging and begging, finally went to a psych. She diagnosed him with ADHD, prescribed him the minimum dose of stimulants to get him started, with the goal of ramping up. He never returned, declared he didn't need the drugs daily, just to go on job interviews (he keeps losing his job, and it takes an eternity for him to find a new one, since his professional history is spotty). It is SO INCREDIBLY frustrating that he can't see how much damage he has done to his family, and himself, by not taking his disorder seriously and complying with meds. I have lost all respect for him: he lost our health insurance, he is not a reliable income-earner, he can't compensate for that by assuming household or childcare duties, since he sucks at both, due to lack of meds (and, beyond that, because he has no standards anyway). And when these things are pointed out to him, usually after he messes up badly, he gaslights and lays blame on everyone except himself. We have tried going to counseling - he apparently didn't hear the same message I heard, because he's under the impression the therapist thought it was all my fault... If there was a mental health disorder for gaslighting, he would have that in addition to ADHD.

However I do not plan on divorcing, because I don't earn enough, and he is not insane enough to be denied half of the custody time. I do NOT want my children to spend half their time being yelled at, brought to school late, and forgotten at pick-up time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the people who are spouting about how she shouldn't have been signing into his email account: not the question. She's been taking care of ALL the household crap and it makes sense that she would have needed to go on there semi-regularly, if that's how the bills / accounts were set up - presumably he himself gave her the password at one time and knew she went on there. They had access to each other's accounts and knew each other went on there.

OP I agree this is a red flag, sorry. What did he say when you asked him about it / did he give you the new one?

Agree with all of this.

I agree, too. My DH also has ADHD and if I didn't check his email occasionally, our kids wouldn't get registered for sports, would miss practices, games, insurance wouldn't get paid, etc. FWIW, he's got my passwords, too. In fact, he made MY passwords his passwords because 1) they were better passwords and 2) he couldn't remember which password went with which account.

But, I suggest before going in guns blazing, you take some time to calm yourself. It could very well be that he forgot his passwords and reset them. Keep us updated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You should not be using his email, OP.

You can take care of all the household and child-related things using YOUR email. Pay for things out of the JOINT account. Sign for things yourself.

And yes, I have changed my password in times of conflict - my husband wouldn't stop using MY Amazon account to buy stupid stuff we didn't need. He could have got his own Amazon account for that. So now he can't use it because I changed my password.

I'm the PP above, and just read your update on ADHD. My husband has ADHD, and far worse than bills have been left forgotten: he let our health insurance lapse, for example (two out of the four of us are on daily meds).

This is why I do nearly everything, and this is also why using my email is much better than using his.

Yeah, I've tried to put as much in my email as possible over the years. Some things, though, require his email; like the school whose contract requires both parents electronically sign from their own accounts.

We've only recently realized, after years of difficulty, that DH has ADHD. And reading the suggestion that maybe he just forgot his password at his friend's house, I think that's possible; or, also, that it was an impulsive decision when he was angry, and that there was ZERO thought behind it. And then he forgot about it.

I'm really new to the whole ADHD thing. Is this just the way it is with ADHD??? Am I destined to do all these things myself forever??

I’m the DW likely with ADHD and I handle most of the school related stuff while DH handles most bills. We have a password book and have everything except private email password in there. So if I have to log into Verizon or Home Depot etc, it doesn’t matter who set it up. We do know the phone passcodes and iPad so I have in a pinch been able to pull up his email. For example I’m up late night ordering airline tickets and if I had to reset the account password because the password book is wrong or I needed to see the email confirmation, I can go to the phone or iPad. I can probably count on one hand how often that’s happened and I let him know that I had to go into phone or iPad for whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You should not be using his email, OP.

You can take care of all the household and child-related things using YOUR email. Pay for things out of the JOINT account. Sign for things yourself.

And yes, I have changed my password in times of conflict - my husband wouldn't stop using MY Amazon account to buy stupid stuff we didn't need. He could have got his own Amazon account for that. So now he can't use it because I changed my password.

I'm the PP above, and just read your update on ADHD. My husband has ADHD, and far worse than bills have been left forgotten: he let our health insurance lapse, for example (two out of the four of us are on daily meds).

This is why I do nearly everything, and this is also why using my email is much better than using his.

Yeah, I've tried to put as much in my email as possible over the years. Some things, though, require his email; like the school whose contract requires both parents electronically sign from their own accounts.

We've only recently realized, after years of difficulty, that DH has ADHD. And reading the suggestion that maybe he just forgot his password at his friend's house, I think that's possible; or, also, that it was an impulsive decision when he was angry, and that there was ZERO thought behind it. And then he forgot about it.

I'm really new to the whole ADHD thing. Is this just the way it is with ADHD??? Am I destined to do all these things myself forever??

Yes.

[Anonymous]

He can’t handle email but he signs into your email? That’s weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You should not be using his email, OP.

You can take care of all the household and child-related things using YOUR email. Pay for things out of the JOINT account. Sign for things yourself.

This.