DH changed his email password

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't listen to the people who say privacy at all costs. Logging into your spouse's email -- with permission that has spanned years!! -- to do chores is perfectly fine

My DH has my passwords and email etc. He may not remember them, but if he needs something I will just tell him to go look in my email. Which he does. And it is OK.

The fact that it WAS ok, and now is NOT ok that you do this, and that your marriage is a little rocky, and that he slept over at somebody else's house (a buddy, or a fuc& buddy?) is a red flag to me.

AGREE WITH ALL...In our marriage, we do everything jointly, we both have access to all accounts/cars/everything.What email would I get that I need "privacy" for? And vice versa? OP: Sorry, but I am afraid of the red flag

I guess that works for you, but it sounds crazy and controlling to me.

And how do you even know that neither of you has email accounts the other doesn't even know about? That's easy enough to achieve.

[Anonymous]

Likely he changed it while mad when you were having a fight. Then given his ADHD, disorganization and inability to manage anything, he likely either hasn't changed it back, has forgotten the new password or has entirely forgotten about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It may not matter at all, but DH has ADHD and literally can't deal with his email. He just can't. I'm his crutch. When I stopped checking on his email for like three months when we had a baby, we suddenly had several unpaid bills and our car registration lapsed (despite emails from the DMV) and it was a nightmare.

He basically gets no personal email on it, because he's stopped replying to personal emails (I don't do that for him) so everyone who knows him well knows to call or text. It's just bills, stuff for the kids, etc.

ADHD has nothing to do with 'dealing' with email.

[Anonymous]

You sound controlling and pretty mean. You talk about him with a great deal of contempt.

I can understand why he’s be sick of your crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't listen to the people who say privacy at all costs. Logging into your spouse's email -- with permission that has spanned years!! -- to do chores is perfectly fine

My DH has my passwords and email etc. He may not remember them, but if he needs something I will just tell him to go look in my email. Which he does. And it is OK.

The fact that it WAS ok, and now is NOT ok that you do this, and that your marriage is a little rocky, and that he slept over at somebody else's house (a buddy, or a fuc& buddy?) is a red flag to me.

AGREE WITH ALL...In our marriage, we do everything jointly, we both have access to all accounts/cars/everything.What email would I get that I need "privacy" for? And vice versa? OP: Sorry, but I am afraid of the red flag

I guess that works for you, but it sounds crazy and controlling to me.

And how do you even know that neither of you has email accounts the other doesn't even know about? That's easy enough to achieve.

Of course we could have secret emails. It isn't like DH goes into my email on a regular basis (I don't think), I don't think he's ever gone into an account of mine without asking. But he could if he wanted to. And it works for us. Maybe not for you. But the fact that the OP's husband has suddenly decided he doesn't want to share -- that's the red flag. The about-face.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn’t all of this stuff just go to your email? Why does it have to be a “I have to have his password under the guise of paying bills” situation?

Oh, because you secretly want to have every iota of control and spy on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It may not matter at all, but DH has ADHD and literally can't deal with his email. He just can't. I'm his crutch. When I stopped checking on his email for like three months when we had a baby, we suddenly had several unpaid bills and our car registration lapsed (despite emails from the DMV) and it was a nightmare.

He basically gets no personal email on it, because he's stopped replying to personal emails (I don't do that for him) so everyone who knows him well knows to call or text. It's just bills, stuff for the kids, etc.

ADHD has nothing to do with 'dealing' with email.

....spoken by someone who has limited experience with ADHD. My DH with ADHD doesn't see all the emails that come to him or will read one that requires action but doesn't take that action nor does he forward the email to me for action. Yet, he continues to put his email down as the main contact. He uses a single email account and, as a result, gets all kinds of junk mail in it which is why he doesn't always 'see' the emails he needs to because they're buried in the junk. I even set up another account for him so he could have one for 'real' email and one for 'junk'. He never used it. He also doesn't use a calendar. I've got kids in HS/MS and everyone has access to a Google 'family' calendar. DH just doesn't use it and, as a result, misses appointments, doesn't know when/where kids need to be, etc. They've taken to texting him to remind him. He, at least, reads texts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t all of this stuff just go to your email? Why does it have to be a “I have to have his password under the guise of paying bills” situation?

Oh, because you secretly want to have every iota of control and spy on him.

Yet another person who has no idea what it's like to live with someone with ADHD. For years, OP's husband was fine with her having access to his email. What changed? Can he not set up a 'secret' email account if he wants some privacy. Why are you so suspicious? You must have something to hide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t all of this stuff just go to your email? Why does it have to be a “I have to have his password under the guise of paying bills” situation?

Oh, because you secretly want to have every iota of control and spy on him.

Yet another person who has no idea what it's like to live with someone with ADHD. For years, OP's husband was fine with her having access to his email. What changed? Can he not set up a 'secret' email account if he wants some privacy. Why are you so suspicious? You must have something to hide.

What does ANY of that have to do with ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the people who are spouting about how she shouldn't have been signing into his email account: not the question. She's been taking care of ALL the household crap and it makes sense that she would have needed to go on there semi-regularly, if that's how the bills / accounts were set up - presumably he himself gave her the password at one time and knew she went on there. They had access to each other's accounts and knew each other went on there.

OP I agree this is a red flag, sorry. What did he say when you asked him about it / did he give you the new one?

This literally just happened, I haven't asked him about it yet. Or, I did, via email. Because I need to submit the re-enrollment form for our kid. He's traveling for work. I'm sure the last thing he realized was that I would have to harass him on January 31st while he's on a work trip because he changed his password. But obviously that's what's going to happen now.

Then I just went on to try to change MY password and I realized Google tells me who signed into my Gmail and where, and it says someone signed into my Gmail from a Windows account (I use a Mac) in the city where he's traveled to, this morning. So what is he doing in my gmail this morning??

I'm not doing anything interesting, by the way. My gmail is boring. What the F? Why would he sign into my gmail on his work trip?

OP, do you hear yourself? You asked him via email, which you say he doesn't read. Did it really not occur to you to call or text him (as you said ALL of his friends have learned to do)?

And why are you weirded out with him checking your email if that's the way you guys apparently operate? You sound like you enjoy creating drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't listen to the people who say privacy at all costs. Logging into your spouse's email -- with permission that has spanned years!! -- to do chores is perfectly fine

My DH has my passwords and email etc. He may not remember them, but if he needs something I will just tell him to go look in my email. Which he does. And it is OK.

The fact that it WAS ok, and now is NOT ok that you do this, and that your marriage is a little rocky, and that he slept over at somebody else's house (a buddy, or a fuc& buddy?) is a red flag to me.

AGREE WITH ALL...In our marriage, we do everything jointly, we both have access to all accounts/cars/everything.What email would I get that I need "privacy" for? And vice versa? OP: Sorry, but I am afraid of the red flag

I guess that works for you, but it sounds crazy and controlling to me.

And how do you even know that neither of you has email accounts the other doesn't even know about? That's easy enough to achieve.

+1

People are entitled to privacy. I am allowed to vent to my best friend when my husband drives me crazy, and vice versa. Those aren't conversations that either of us need to hear. Yes, if it's a real problem, we will discuss it. But if my best friend and I want to laugh about how clueless men are about something, we should be able to do that without the other person reading it. People who say they read their spouse's texts, emails, etc., and therefore feel secure make me laugh. It's not hard to delete texts, emails, or, as PP noted, have separate accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't listen to the people who say privacy at all costs. Logging into your spouse's email -- with permission that has spanned years!! -- to do chores is perfectly fine

My DH has my passwords and email etc. He may not remember them, but if he needs something I will just tell him to go look in my email. Which he does. And it is OK.

The fact that it WAS ok, and now is NOT ok that you do this, and that your marriage is a little rocky, and that he slept over at somebody else's house (a buddy, or a fuc& buddy?) is a red flag to me.

AGREE WITH ALL...In our marriage, we do everything jointly, we both have access to all accounts/cars/everything.What email would I get that I need "privacy" for? And vice versa? OP: Sorry, but I am afraid of the red flag

I guess that works for you, but it sounds crazy and controlling to me.

And how do you even know that neither of you has email accounts the other doesn't even know about? That's easy enough to achieve.

Of course we could have secret emails. It isn't like DH goes into my email on a regular basis (I don't think), I don't think he's ever gone into an account of mine without asking. But he could if he wanted to. And it works for us. Maybe not for you. But the fact that the OP's husband has suddenly decided he doesn't want to share -- that's the red flag. The about-face.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP here.

The idea that I'm spying on him via his email, or trying to violate his privacy by going into his email, is absolutely absurd, and I appreciate that those who understand what I'm dealing with both in terms of ADHD and the fact that not EVERY item of family business can be put into my name (much as we have tried) recognize this.

As a general rule I do not read his personal email, just like I do not go through his texts or his phone calls, though obviously I can see that he received something from xyz when I'm in his gmail. But honestly, he DOES NOT DO personal email. He literally received an email from a friend saying a mutual friend of theirs was dying (this info was visible in the inbox), and he did not open it, and did not reply to it, for over 8 months. Prior to this past year, I would occasionally say something like, "I noticed you had an email from so and so that looked important, you might want to check on that..." and he was nothing but exceedingly grateful. I stopped doing that at some point this past year (for the very few emails I might have) in order to show MORE respect for his privacy.

He did not know he had ADHD until very recently. Before the diagnosis, I thought he might just have shitty priorities. I have now read things like The ADHD Effect on Marriage and I feel like this stuff is quite common. But, he has not even started medication yet (it's been prescribed, but he is scared to try it), and he has not done any coaching or read a single book or anything on how to deal with his ADHD. So, nothing has changed, except that now I understand why he does what he does. Our marriage counselor doesn't seem to take the ADHD piece of it seriously.

I told him that his having a private gmail password was a reasonable boundary to have but we would have to discuss our division of labor if I didn't have access to certain things in his account; ie, he would have to electronically sign his own half of the school contract by the deadline. He immediately gave me the new password.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The idea that I'm spying on him via his email, or trying to violate his privacy by going into his email, is absolutely absurd, and I appreciate that those who understand what I'm dealing with both in terms of ADHD and the fact that not EVERY item of family business can be put into my name (much as we have tried) recognize this.

As a general rule I do not read his personal email, just like I do not go through his texts or his phone calls, though obviously I can see that he received something from xyz when I'm in his gmail. But honestly, he DOES NOT DO personal email. He literally received an email from a friend saying a mutual friend of theirs was dying (this info was visible in the inbox), and he did not open it, and did not reply to it, for over 8 months. Prior to this past year, I would occasionally say something like, "I noticed you had an email from so and so that looked important, you might want to check on that..." and he was nothing but exceedingly grateful. I stopped doing that at some point this past year (for the very few emails I might have) in order to show MORE respect for his privacy.

He did not know he had ADHD until very recently. Before the diagnosis, I thought he might just have shitty priorities. I have now read things like The ADHD Effect on Marriage and I feel like this stuff is quite common. But, he has not even started medication yet (it's been prescribed, but he is scared to try it), and he has not done any coaching or read a single book or anything on how to deal with his ADHD. So, nothing has changed, except that now I understand why he does what he does. Our marriage counselor doesn't seem to take the ADHD piece of it seriously.

I told him that his having a private gmail password was a reasonable boundary to have but we would have to discuss our division of labor if I didn't have access to certain things in his account; ie, he would have to electronically sign his own half of the school contract by the deadline. He immediately gave me the new password.

Thank you for reporting back OP- you sound perfectly reasonable to me. I hope he tries the medication soon- it makes a huge difference. What exactly is he afraid of? And did he ever say why he changed the password in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The idea that I'm spying on him via his email, or trying to violate his privacy by going into his email, is absolutely absurd, and I appreciate that those who understand what I'm dealing with both in terms of ADHD and the fact that not EVERY item of family business can be put into my name (much as we have tried) recognize this.

As a general rule I do not read his personal email, just like I do not go through his texts or his phone calls, though obviously I can see that he received something from xyz when I'm in his gmail. But honestly, he DOES NOT DO personal email. He literally received an email from a friend saying a mutual friend of theirs was dying (this info was visible in the inbox), and he did not open it, and did not reply to it, for over 8 months. Prior to this past year, I would occasionally say something like, "I noticed you had an email from so and so that looked important, you might want to check on that..." and he was nothing but exceedingly grateful. I stopped doing that at some point this past year (for the very few emails I might have) in order to show MORE respect for his privacy.

He did not know he had ADHD until very recently. Before the diagnosis, I thought he might just have shitty priorities. I have now read things like The ADHD Effect on Marriage and I feel like this stuff is quite common. But, he has not even started medication yet (it's been prescribed, but he is scared to try it), and he has not done any coaching or read a single book or anything on how to deal with his ADHD. So, nothing has changed, except that now I understand why he does what he does. Our marriage counselor doesn't seem to take the ADHD piece of it seriously.

I told him that his having a private gmail password was a reasonable boundary to have but we would have to discuss our division of labor if I didn't have access to certain things in his account; ie, he would have to electronically sign his own half of the school contract by the deadline. He immediately gave me the new password.

I posted at length about my ADHD husband and our struggles, and just wanted to highlight the sentence above: I had the exact same experience! Our therapist completely ignored the ADHD, and that was one reason we stopped going. I supposed it's lack of training, that they don't know how ADHD impacts behavior and living with someone else?
If you are still interested in therapy, I would suggest asking the psychiatrist who prescribed the meds to recommend someone with particular knowledge in ADHD.