Close to sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 45 and I could have sex with my wife three times a day. She’s even more beautiful now than when I married her 17 years ago, and 3 kids later. But it only happens once a week now and that’s usually after I badger her.

Just wait until after menopause , it will be over. You got about 250 f!cks left!

Not true. She probably rather be doing other things, maybe not as attracted to husband. It's another chore at the end of a long day trying to meet yet "another" person's needs. When PP says "badger", I already know his wife views it as a job and a duty which totally sucks.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Leave. It's not like you ever had an awesome sex life with the guy, it sounds mediocre at best. The why isn't that important, but that it's gotten worse matters. Do you want to spend your life this way?

No but I’m not sure being a single mom will be better.

Then don’t complain. Sounds like you’ve resigned yourself to this.



Why women have kids with men they’re not totally in love with and crazy about is beyond me.

Because not everyone is fortunate enough to fall madly in love with someone who also loves them back.

That doesn’t appear to be the case here, as she says “I should have left” and complains about his past history of drinking. I feel 100% confident in saying it’s another case of baby fever trumping a good marriage and now the OP is stuck. When will you all ever learn?

DP. Meh. What’s to learn? There are trade offs in life. I’d rather have a divorce and a baby than no divorce and no baby.

Some women miss their reproductive window so they can hold out for Mr Perfect. Then he turns out to be wrong for them in the end.

There are no guarantees in life one way or the other.

I have a friend who is 50 and we told her to stop using birth control years ago. She's very lonely. The guys like most didn't last, and she really messed up.
Always put your kids first or having kids first.

[Anonymous]

Get your needs filled outside the marriage. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m in a close to sexless marriage and don’t know what to do. We’ve been married for four years and sex has never been that consistent. He’s a once a week guy. He used to drink a lot and couldn’t perform when he’d been drinking. I was often very frustrated sexually. Looking back, I should have left.

Then I got pregnant. He wouldn’t have sex with me while pregnant as he couldn’t stay hard. I went almost a year not having sex. Our son is almost a 1.5 and on average we have sex once a month. I have so much resentment that even if he wanted to have sex, I don’t want to.

Has anyone dealt with this and turned the marriage around? I don’t even know where to start.

I can’t believe you think having sex once a month is “close to sexless.”!

Some of us have gone years.

Since sexless is defined as <10x/year, so yes, they are close to sexless. Your pain doesn't negate hers. I'm sorry you've gone years without sex.

I find it hard to feel much sympathy for somebody who allows this kind of treatment by staying with a sexless partner, and not Opening the marriage. The innocent victim card has a shelf life, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. After "years" this is now on you!

Sounds like a plan! Unfortunately, many spouses in this situation are not willing to “open” the marriage.

A partner who rejects sex does not get to vote on opening the marriage. They already set the precedent for unilateral decisions about sex in the marriage. You simply exercise this same right to declare it’s now open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a close to sexless marriage and don’t know what to do. We’ve been married for four years and sex has never been that consistent. He’s a once a week guy. He used to drink a lot and couldn’t perform when he’d been drinking. I was often very frustrated sexually. Looking back, I should have left.

Then I got pregnant. He wouldn’t have sex with me while pregnant as he couldn’t stay hard. I went almost a year not having sex. Our son is almost a 1.5 and on average we have sex once a month. I have so much resentment that even if he wanted to have sex, I don’t want to.

Has anyone dealt with this and turned the marriage around? I don’t even know where to start.

I can’t believe you think having sex once a month is “close to sexless.”!

Some of us have gone years.

Since sexless is defined as <10x/year, so yes, they are close to sexless. Your pain doesn't negate hers. I'm sorry you've gone years without sex.

I find it hard to feel much sympathy for somebody who allows this kind of treatment by staying with a sexless partner, and not Opening the marriage. The innocent victim card has a shelf life, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness. After "years" this is now on you!

Sounds like a plan! Unfortunately, many spouses in this situation are not willing to “open” the marriage.

A partner who rejects sex does not get to vote on opening the marriage. They already set the precedent for unilateral decisions about sex in the marriage. You simply exercise this same right to declare it’s now open.

People use the not helping enough excuse to cheat, the in-laws, blah blah blah. Poor me, not getting my way all the time.

Get divorced and move on. You clearly aren't good at marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a close to sexless marriage and don’t know what to do. We’ve been married for four years and sex has never been that consistent. He’s a once a week guy. He used to drink a lot and couldn’t perform when he’d been drinking. I was often very frustrated sexually. Looking back, I should have left.

Then I got pregnant. He wouldn’t have sex with me while pregnant as he couldn’t stay hard. I went almost a year not having sex. Our son is almost a 1.5 and on average we have sex once a month. I have so much resentment that even if he wanted to have sex, I don’t want to.

Has anyone dealt with this and turned the marriage around? I don’t even know where to start.

Resentment is a big one whatever the cause.

If it's once a week I don't see a problem there. It seems to be your resentment at this point. Reading some of the other posts there are some immature and needy people on here. I wouldn't want someone pawing me 2-3 times a week because I want my own time, not feeling pressured by someone who can't control their needs or respect another's boundaries. Quite a few on here who probably shouldn't be married to begin with. You can find someone else OP, but with a child it's not going to be easy or perfect with the next person.

I would look at the entire relationship. How is he in other parts of the relationship?

So you feel "pawed at 2-3 times a week"? And you "feel pressured" for sex? How did your incompatible relationship ever get past the second date? Oh, wait: I know! You were happily enjoying sex 3-4 times per week for the first couple years. Long enough to secure the relationship, have a few kids, become financially entwined. Only then YOU CHANGED and for some selfish reason, you expect your partner would also go along with your low sex drive! Like you said, some people on here should never be married, especially those who attempt this selfish bait-and-switch tactic. Here's some free advice to save your marriage: issue a permanent hall pass. Otherwise, divorce and find a compatible (low drive) partner. But don't stick around feeling "pressured for sex". The burden is on YOU to fix or end this, since YOU are the one who has changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 45 and I could have sex with my wife three times a day. She’s even more beautiful now than when I married her 17 years ago, and 3 kids later. But it only happens once a week now and that’s usually after I badger her.

Just wait until after menopause , it will be over. You got about 250 f!cks left!

Not true. She probably rather be doing other things, maybe not as attracted to husband. It's another chore at the end of a long day trying to meet yet "another" person's needs. When PP says "badger", I already know his wife views it as a job and a duty which totally sucks.

No, that’s wrong.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain from the man’s perspective. My wife thinks once s month is plenty and barely let’s me touch her anymore.

Why can't you and OP have a safe sexual relationship so neither of you are single parents.

I would get the spouse approval but sounds like a winner!

It’s odd isn’t it? How you have two people who would love to have sex with the person they care about and their partner isn’t interested. If only this can be weeded our in the beginning so people who don’t think sex is important could just hook up and be miserable with each other.

I agree with this...but also have to admit things changed for me personally. I don't think the role of long term birth control gets enough attention as a HUGE factor in such things! Like many women, I was on birth control for YEARS, starting at around 17 all the way through until I was married and ready to start thinking about getting pregnant at 32. Omg...I had no idea I was such a horny freak! Seriously, the change was pronounced. I could not believe how much I was suddenly thinking about sex and how raunchy I felt. We had always had a fine sex life - I think it could best be described as "perfectly nice". But my husband is 5 years older than me and looking back he was never high drive...he was more a ~once a week guy, which was fine with me for all those years. Here's how I would best describe it: on the pill, I really didn't think about sex very often - it's more like we'd start doing something, and then I'd get turned on and be into it. Off the pill...I was automatically wet down there and day dreaming about sex half the month. ''Twas crazy! Anywsys, point being I think especially in low drive men relationships, a lot of times the problem is that things change on the woman's side, as the man (who never had a crazy high drive) gets older and continues to get further away from his sexual prime. It sounds cliche but I'm 36 and feel like I'm just staaarting to approach mine. If you'd told me even 5 years ago how important the role of sex would be for me, I wouldn't have believed you.

I wonder a lot how I will talk to my daughter(s) about this stuff. I was raised Catholic - not a strict catholic family, but my parents literally just never talked to us about sex (/never acknowledged that it was even a thing, really). I like to think I will find a way to convey to my children that sex is important and a valid relationship criteria, without coming across as the wannabe cool mom from mean girls...

Once a week isn’t enough for me and I’m 40. I could every day but my wife isn’t even good with twice a week. She’s okay with once every week to two weeks. I go nuts after three days. Being away on work is one thing, I understand. When you’re laying in the bed next to me and constantly reject me I take it personally.

Is she cheating on you?

I’ve asked that question to myself quite a lot

Any particular signs (in addition to lack of interest in you?)

[Anonymous]

If these women are still attractive and in good shape, they most likely are cheating or seriously fantasizing about cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a close to sexless marriage and don’t know what to do. We’ve been married for four years and sex has never been that consistent. He’s a once a week guy. He used to drink a lot and couldn’t perform when he’d been drinking. I was often very frustrated sexually. Looking back, I should have left.

Then I got pregnant. He wouldn’t have sex with me while pregnant as he couldn’t stay hard. I went almost a year not having sex. Our son is almost a 1.5 and on average we have sex once a month. I have so much resentment that even if he wanted to have sex, I don’t want to.

Has anyone dealt with this and turned the marriage around? I don’t even know where to start.

Resentment is a big one whatever the cause.

If it's once a week I don't see a problem there. It seems to be your resentment at this point. Reading some of the other posts there are some immature and needy people on here. I wouldn't want someone pawing me 2-3 times a week because I want my own time, not feeling pressured by someone who can't control their needs or respect another's boundaries. Quite a few on here who probably shouldn't be married to begin with. You can find someone else OP, but with a child it's not going to be easy or perfect with the next person.

I would look at the entire relationship. How is he in other parts of the relationship?

So you feel "pawed at 2-3 times a week"? And you "feel pressured" for sex? How did your incompatible relationship ever get past the second date? Oh, wait: I know! You were happily enjoying sex 3-4 times per week for the first couple years. Long enough to secure the relationship, have a few kids, become financially entwined. Only then YOU CHANGED and for some selfish reason, you expect your partner would also go along with your low sex drive! Like you said, some people on here should never be married, especially those who attempt this selfish bait-and-switch tactic. Here's some free advice to save your marriage: issue a permanent hall pass. Otherwise, divorce and find a compatible (low drive) partner. But don't stick around feeling "pressured for sex". The burden is on YOU to fix or end this, since YOU are the one who has changed.

Yep, and married men expect their mistress to compensate for their deficiencies at home without getting the benefits of being a wife. Its like they are scared of their wives and ashamed that they were duped into buying a milkless cow.

[Anonymous]

If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?

Only if you decide you want it to be over. She might want to stay in a close to sexless marriage because of other considerations-- money, extended family, kids, companionship. But are *you* willing to stay for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?

Do you like her as a room mate? Then stay but open the marriage.
If not, trade her for a younger model that’s in good working order (sexually).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?

It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.

I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?

It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.

I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.

Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.