Boundary violation or no?

[Anonymous]

So you have a 3 year old, apparently dated this guy who isn't the father and a mess.

I'm trying not to side eye, but I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I see nothing that says he agreed to the no speaking “arrangement “ in the OP scenario. He was also there first. If you have a restraining order on someone, you can’t show up somewhere and demand they leave.

Op never said she demanded he leave (unless she said that in one of the follow ups?).

If op asked him to not talk to her and he went along with that (Which it sounds like he did) then addressing her kid when she's with their kid is obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I see nothing that says he agreed to the no speaking “arrangement “ in the OP scenario. He was also there first. If you have a restraining order on someone, you can’t show up somewhere and demand they leave.

Op never said she demanded he leave (unless she said that in one of the follow ups?).

If op asked him to not talk to her and he went along with that (Which it sounds like he did) then addressing her kid when she's with their kid is obnoxious.

And FWIW imo if one person asks another person after a breakup to not contact them and that person refuses I think they're engaging in borderline abusive behavior.

Of course no one can control another person but a normal well adjusted person doesn't intentionally shove their face in the face of another person who doesn't want to speak to them. Just because it's not illegal doesn't mean you're not an ahole.

[Anonymous]

OP; it’s fine that it ‘kind of bothered’ you that he addressed your son. And yes, it would have been nicer and more considerate if he had just ignored you and not said anything. It almost seems like he was deliberately being a jackass by technically abiding by your request but still saying something to your child. But your child isn’t an extension of you and yeah, just let it go and talk it over with your therapist so you can draw a line under it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. I think you're being unreasonable. I don't know if he was being passive-aggressive or just felt that it would be rude not to at least say "hi" to someone that he knows. Either way, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. If this guy is so bad that you cannot tolerate him even briefly acknowledging your presence -- or even the presence of other people in your presence -- then get a restraining order. Otherwise, chill out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. I think you're being unreasonable. I don't know if he was being passive-aggressive or just felt that it would be rude not to at least say "hi" to someone that he knows. Either way, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. If this guy is so bad that you cannot tolerate him even briefly acknowledging your presence -- or even the presence of other people in your presence -- then get a restraining order. Otherwise, chill out.

Well absent some sort of abuse or threats she cannot just get a restraining order on this guy because she can't deal with a breakup like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you are in pain.

He did nothing wrong.

You're reacting because of your unresolved and painful feelings.

I am curious: why, if the breakup was amicable, did things change later to this extent?

+ 1. Agree with this poster.

In all likelihood him addressing your kid was innocent. Hope you get over this situation soon.

Ignore the nutty posters on this forum. Most are class A b*tches that spend all day picking others apart.

I think OP is being a little over the top but you don't think he was effing with her?

Changing the roles a bit. I divorce and my exH (who I have a strict no speaking arrangement with) comes in to a cafe with his sister. If I say hi to sister in his presence I am clearly bringing attention to myself. In a situation where me and exH have explicitly laid out no contact this feels obnoxious. Honestly same would go for a friend. Not technically WRONG but let's be real not innocent.

This is magnified with the kid imo because the relationship clearly has to end and that makes things difficult.

You have far too much time on your hands... get out of your own head.

He said hi to the kid, what an absolute monster!

It's called acting like an adult, it's really not that difficult... especially when you're the sole role model for your child, its an even GREATER responsibility to be rational & level headed.

He wasn't being passive aggressive, he was saying hi to her kid, all while (gasp!) still respecting her boundaries not to acknowledge her.

You're unequivocally letting him know how much he gets to you with all of this no contact drama.

I'd never give an ex the satisfaction.

Just smile and wave boys... smile and wave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I see nothing that says he agreed to the no speaking “arrangement “ in the OP scenario. He was also there first. If you have a restraining order on someone, you can’t show up somewhere and demand they leave.

Op never said she demanded he leave (unless she said that in one of the follow ups?).

If op asked him to not talk to her and he went along with that (Which it sounds like he did) then addressing her kid when she's with their kid is obnoxious.

That wasn't laid out on page 19, article 63 & exhibit F of the code of conduct of James's moms self imposed rulebook.
She never said anything about her kid, just herself.

Is he now supposed to be a mind reader as well??

Did he also mischievously twirl his handlebar moustache and cackle wryly, while saying "Hi James"?

That beast!

By the way, the chances he was being obnoxious are ridiculous, and it's probably because it came naturally to him & he didn't over think the interaction nine thousand times.

Other adjectives besides obnoxious that are more likely are considerate (to a 3 year old), NON dramatic or I don't know... MATURE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I see nothing that says he agreed to the no speaking “arrangement “ in the OP scenario. He was also there first. If you have a restraining order on someone, you can’t show up somewhere and demand they leave.

Op never said she demanded he leave (unless she said that in one of the follow ups?).

If op asked him to not talk to her and he went along with that (Which it sounds like he did) then addressing her kid when she's with their kid is obnoxious.

And FWIW imo if one person asks another person after a breakup to not contact them and that person refuses I think they're engaging in borderline abusive behavior.

Of course no one can control another person but a normal well adjusted person doesn't intentionally shove their face in the face of another person who doesn't want to speak to them. Just because it's not illegal doesn't mean you're not an ahole.

So. Much. Drama & irrational instability.

You & James' mom sound perfect for one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Am I *really* being unreasonable here? Was what my ex did *totally* acceptable? If I'm wrong I'll take it, but clearly I have an issue, which is why I'm approaching the DCUM hive mind.

Yes you're a complete effing nutcase and really need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Fifth graders should not have children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry you’re in pain. But no, your ex didn’t cross a boundary. It’s an awkward situation, no doubt, but that’s all - he didn’t seem to be deliberately trying to upset you.

You’ve said everything you needed to say to him, but you can’t control him. And you’re not in a relationship with him anymore, so what he does or doesn’t do has to become irrelevant to you. This guy is taking up an enormous amount of space in your head, which is probably why you’re reacting so dramatically to a pretty mundane interaction..

You’ve mentioned in prior threads that you live in a tiny town but is there really no way to avoid seeing him for a while?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess the flood gates are open, but if respondents could refrain from name-calling, it would be appreciated. This is a sincere question.

Ex and I ended amiably, but things recently turned a corner and I cannot accept any communication at all. My thought is that he could have smiled at my kid - it would have communicated something affirming without my having to know. I didn't even look at ex, just saw that he was there as as I approached. It felt terribly awkward.

Part of breaking up means you can no longer employ your nutso controlling tactics like this and try jam them down others throats.

[Anonymous]

And OP, please tell me you weren’t thinking about contacting him to express your displeasure?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I see nothing that says he agreed to the no speaking “arrangement “ in the OP scenario. He was also there first. If you have a restraining order on someone, you can’t show up somewhere and demand they leave.

Op never said she demanded he leave (unless she said that in one of the follow ups?).

If op asked him to not talk to her and he went along with that (Which it sounds like he did) then addressing her kid when she's with their kid is obnoxious.

And FWIW imo if one person asks another person after a breakup to not contact them and that person refuses I think they're engaging in borderline abusive behavior.

Of course no one can control another person but a normal well adjusted person doesn't intentionally shove their face in the face of another person who doesn't want to speak to them. Just because it's not illegal doesn't mean you're not an ahole.

So. Much. Drama & irrational instability.

You & James' mom sound perfect for one another.

Dude if you want a good example of drama and irrational emotion take a look at the four or so crazy posts you just made.